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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD is being selfish because she won't come out for Father's Day?

91 replies

selectalldolls · 18/06/2017 00:24

DD is 18 and has a pretty comfortable life I'd say!! Her dad goes to work 5 days a week and then does volunteering work which he does as more of an enjoyment thing than helping out (even I'm happy to admit that).

DD has asked DH to go out with her to various things and he does very much say he's too busy and then books an extra volunteering shift which even I'm a bit Hmm at.

However, DH takes DD to her shifts for work a lot and also picks her up at 10 pm, so she doesn't have to get the bus.

We are all going out for Father's Day tomorrow and she won't come saying he doesn't make an effort etc. I do get it but he does take her to work so surely a thank you for that is coming out just for tomorrow? I'm not asking her to wash his feet every morning. Just a quick thank you for the small favours he does.

AIBU to think it is a bit selfish?

OP posts:
weeblueberry · 18/06/2017 00:29

There was a thread recently with virtually the same situation (dad worked often and DD felt he didn't make an effort) but it was the dad's birthday she refused to go to. Was that you OP?

lalalalyra · 18/06/2017 00:31

I firmly believe that if you choose to make your children an option then they'll have the right to do the same back.

Why would she prioritise goingfor a meal with him when he actively avoids going places with her?

Original poster
selectalldolls · 18/06/2017 00:31

Oh was there? Could you please link it? Might be useful for some replies. No, not me. He doesn't particularly work much, it's more about the volunteering. That's not the issue really, it's more about the dropping at work = coming out for one day and if that's fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
selectalldolls · 18/06/2017 00:32

It's more as just a thank you for him doing favours for her.

OP posts:
scottishdiem · 18/06/2017 00:36

When he avoid doing things with DD voluntarily - i.e. actually going out of his way, not being paid and declaring that it is something he gets enjoyment from then he is say he enjoys that more than he enjoys spending times with DD.

In which case I would probably be more inclined to say offensive things to him as opposed to just not going to a meal. He is turning her down socially, why on earth should she not get to do the same.

Thissameearth · 18/06/2017 00:38

She sounds like she could be hurt and wants to show it, which I think is healthy rather than putting on a show and pretending all is well. He's doing basic stuff like lifts but not wanting to spend time with her i.e. A dinner. Seems fair. Also she's 18 but he's more of an adult than her and should be held to higher standard.

deffoncforthis · 18/06/2017 00:51

If your parent is a normal person not a narcissist, abuser or whatever and is regularly doing things for you after you turned 18, you have no reason to make mothers/fathers day about you.

Frankly if he's worth regularly calling on for a lift when you're a grown ass woman, he's worth a card and a meal :)

SuperBeagle · 18/06/2017 01:00

I don't think she's obliged to do anything if he makes no effort to come to things she's invited him to.

He can't have his cake and eat it too.

Gwenhwyfar · 18/06/2017 01:21

"Why would she prioritise goingfor a meal with him when he actively avoids going places with her?"

Because he gives her lifts (and has possibily done other things through her childhood). At 18 she could get public transport or a taxi, but her dad chooses to help her out. He may not be at her beck and call as she would like, but he does help her out.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 18/06/2017 01:26

I'm not the best person to comment, because I think both Father's (and Mother's) day(s) are a construct and have literally NO meaning.

But I would agree with PPs that an 18 yr old can make up her own mind.

Her DDad can then decide if he wants to continue with the lifts or not.

But I think he's a bit of a shit for prioritising his hobbies above his DD, so I'm kind-of on her side in any case.

I assume he's banking on her wiping his bum when he's elderly and infirm? So, too bad if she's out 'volunteering' for her own stuff when he needs that given what he's modelling to her!

StaplesCorner · 18/06/2017 01:31

Here we go again - he has done things to help her during her childhood?! What, like parenting? Why in the name of all things would anyone in your family home need to use public transport or pay £££s for taxis if you could simply give them a lift? How is it a favour?! A courtesy maybe but not a favour.

FFS

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 18/06/2017 01:33

HIBU. If he's going to refuse to do things with her, she absolutely has the right to refuse to do things with him.

She is absolutely in the right here.

ScarletSienna · 18/06/2017 01:46

I agree with Staples. He deliberately makes himself too busy to do the extras with her and she is doing the same.

SaS2014 · 18/06/2017 01:46

I'm afraid for me dropping off picking up etc is a fairly normal part of life. But his choosing to decline time with her in favour of his volunteering hobby is pretty mean tbh. She just wants some quality time with her dad and he's basically saying not interested I'd rather do X. So no she is NBU by saying no to going out for father's day. She has tried showing him her love and affection in day to day life, hes turned it down. It's on him to realise he's clearly hurt her and if he wishes to celebrate fathers day with all his DC he needs to not brush them aside in favour of his hobby.

DrJZoidberg · 18/06/2017 02:08

Doing physical things to help is not the same as being emotionally available (or socially available) to a son or daughter. She could easily be accepting the lifts thinking "well he can't be arsed to spend time with me so might as well get lifts off him if that's all he offers".

NameChangerConarantly · 18/06/2017 03:04

No shes not being unreasonable

Her own father picking her up from work isn't a favour I'd say tbh. He's her dad.

And if he doesn't want to spend time with her then why should she spend time with him when she doesn't want to?

Don't make her go and don't make her feel guilty about it either

Relationships are a two way street and she's putting in just as much effort as her dad,

emmyrose2000 · 18/06/2017 03:16

Family members giving each other lifts isn't a "favour". It's just part and parcel of normal everyday life. I used to drive my DS to and from his after-school job, sometimes as late as 11pm. I never once considered it doing him a favour. It was called being a parent. So DH doesn't deserve a pay on the back for that. How ridiculous.

He's now reaping what he sowed. If he chooses to prioritise volunteering (or any other activity) over spending time with DD, then it can't be a surprise when she says "no thanks" to spending time with him when he can deign to spend five minutes with her.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/06/2017 03:43

I agree that he is reaping what he sowed.

I am up because DD messaged me as her housemates at Uni are up to their tricks again (she is being bullied and the girls concerned at very close to being kicked off their courses). Do I expect an extra big Mothers Day gesture next year? No! She may be 20 but she is still my daughter and needs me to be her mother just as much, if not more, than she did 10 years ago.

He isnt interested in her, he has made that perfectly clear, so why the hell should she be interested in him?

My father spent more of my childhood with other peoples kids than his own thanks to his hobby. As we grew older we realised this and made as much effort with him as he did with us, so not much. But mum hated that more because it shone a bright light on what a shit husband and father he was.

I suspect that you want her to play nice so that you dont have to face the reality of having a husband who is emotionaly and physically absent the majority of the time. I would bet that she isnt the only one who he makes excuses to in order to avoid spending time with them.........

Pretending that all in the garden is lovely doesnt make it so.

differentnameforthis · 18/06/2017 03:55

It's more as just a thank you for him doing favours for her. That's what we do as parents, isn't it? Helping her get to work isn't a favour, surely? It's our job as parents.

Your dh refuses to attend things with her citing being busy, and then books an extra shift ... not that busy then, is he? He has no right to feel put out when she is just exercising her will the same way he does.

Frankly if he's worth regularly calling on for a lift when you're a grown ass woman, he's worth a card and a meal
And if SHE is worth calling on for company to celebrate a day that is about him, she is worth going out with on HER terms ... it works both ways!!

Here we go again - he has done things to help her during her childhood?! What, like parenting? EXACTLY!! Which he committed to do when she was born. After all, he took that on, he decided to have a child, and she didn't just suddenly appear and shout "be my dad"

I get so annoyed at this attitude that our kids owe us something just because WE decided to bring them into this world for own selfish reasons!!

She is just doing to him what he does to her. It's called Karma by some.

tillytown · 18/06/2017 05:11

I agree with everyone else, she isn't being selfish or unreasonable, your husband is

kittybiscuits · 18/06/2017 05:25

I'm curious as to why you're putting yourself in the middle of the situation trying to persuade your daughter, who is being perfectly reasonable, that she is being unreasonable. You have, at best, a semi-detached husband.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/06/2017 06:01

I think you will find the other thread interesting. Lots of parallels. Your dh potentially doesn't sound as bad as the other father. How can these men go about life thinking that putting food on the table is enough? We live in a first world country. Emotional needs trump physical needs.

Nelly5678 · 18/06/2017 06:10

A card with thankyou for the lifts is good enough. You wouldn't go to a birthday dinner for your taxi driver, and unfortunately that's all he really is to her as he doesn't try and bond he just drives her places and actively gets out and makes excuses to not do things with her. So I think she as a grown adult is well within her right not to go sadly

HotelEuphoria · 18/06/2017 06:22

As someone said on the previous similar thread, and I am a massive advocate of anyway, "you reap what you sow".

Unfortunately, your DH hasn't done much planting.

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