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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DD is being selfish because she won't come out for Father's Day?

91 replies

selectalldolls · 18/06/2017 00:24

DD is 18 and has a pretty comfortable life I'd say!! Her dad goes to work 5 days a week and then does volunteering work which he does as more of an enjoyment thing than helping out (even I'm happy to admit that).

DD has asked DH to go out with her to various things and he does very much say he's too busy and then books an extra volunteering shift which even I'm a bit at.

However, DH takes DD to her shifts for work a lot and also picks her up at 10 pm, so she doesn't have to get the bus.

We are all going out for Father's Day tomorrow and she won't come saying he doesn't make an effort etc. I do get it but he does take her to work so surely a thank you for that is coming out just for tomorrow? I'm not asking her to wash his feet every morning. Just a quick thank you for the small favours he does.

AIBU to think it is a bit selfish?

OP posts:

Lasagnabreath · 18/06/2017 11:13

Your daughter is in the right. Her dad chooses to give her a lift home so in no way does she "owe" him for that. If he can refuse to spend time with her but can volunteer somewhere then she is well within reason to refuse to go out for him. It being Father's Day is just a bonus and will emphasise her point even more.

ShatnersWig · 18/06/2017 11:22

Good for her.

You are most definitely bring unreasonable if you think she is being selfish here. You and your husband are both coming across badly

PerpetualStudent · 18/06/2017 11:27

Things she has asked:
Go out for dinner
Go to the cinema
Go to see a show

Ok, I'm projecting massively here, but this is heartbreaking. My Dad passed away nearly two years ago, he was a bit absent in various ways while I was growing up, but we finally connected over a shared love of theatre. He used to say our 1st theatre trip together when I was 13 opened his eyes to how fun family life could be, and I'll remember the last show we saw together forever.

Your DD is reaching out to your DH, and he's turning away, only to want things all on his own terms. If he actually commited himself to spending some quality time with her, he might be surprised at how much he enjoys it!

StaplesCorner · 18/06/2017 12:11

Yes he has fed her, put a roof over her head, paid for everything, etc. - umm - sorry if this is going to come as a massive shock but (for most people) (and if they are VERY lucky) this does rather tend to be compulsory when you choose to conceive a child and give birth to it.

Its not an optional extra that the child will be held to account for.

StaplesCorner · 18/06/2017 12:18

Actually I drive my kids everywhere, and I buy LOADS of food and they have stuff like carpets and books and a bed each. Now I am thinking I will clearly be entitled to order them to produce some sort of accolade. Wonder when I will get it, excited to see what it will be. I am incredibly entitled to it.

Or, you know, I could just like love them and be grateful to have them and be a part of their lives. Just sayin ....

differentnameforthis · 18/06/2017 12:21

It's lovely that she asks her dad to things with her, many teens/young adults are too busy with their friends.

It is not lovely that he constantly knocks her back, but I guess he is paying for that now, eh?

Naicehamshop · 18/06/2017 12:25

Op - don't put yourself in the middle of this. She is old enough to make her own decisions.

You running around trying to make everything "right" - aka appease him - will not help.

Naicehamshop · 18/06/2017 12:26

Ha ha Staples - you totally have it!

VestalVirgin · 18/06/2017 12:33

Father's day is nonsense. Hereabouts, it is mostly an excuse for men to get drunk, which really tells you everything you need to know about it.

Mother's day, too, to some extent, but most mothers actually do most of the parenting.

Interesting, that OP is the one complaining about her DD not wanting to spend time with her father. Can't that man post on an online forum himself?

Dear OP; it is not your job to ensure that your husband's emotional need are catered to by the women around him whenever it suits him, and he never has to be considerate of women's emotions.

If your daughter doesn't want to spend time with him because he doesn't want to spend time with her, well, I guess he'll just have to cope with it.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 18/06/2017 12:37

Yes he has fed her, put a roof over her head, paid for everything, etc.

That's just the basics of being a dad; they're standard.

So should spending time with your child, but he hasn't got that memo apparently.

Alicia555 · 18/06/2017 12:39

Fair play, if she feels she doesn't want to go because she thinks her dad's out of order for not spending time with her on the other hand does she want to get the bus to and from work?

grannytomine · 18/06/2017 12:41

Well I'd be cutting back on the lifts if I was him. She can get on her high horse and ride home.

Justanothernameonthepage · 18/06/2017 12:56

Dear OP; it is not your job to ensure that your husband's emotional need are catered to by the women around him whenever it suits him, and he never has to be considerate of women's emotions.
This!

TheAntiBoop · 18/06/2017 13:06

I just don't see the things she wants to do with him as normal every day spending time together things to do.

So it really depends how they spend time together generally. When I was a kid my dad was home for family dinner whenever he could be from work and otherwise we spent time together at the weekend but it wasn't (expensive) trips out to places.

Does he do that or does his volunteering commandeer his time? As it sounds like that's the underlying issue

innagazing · 18/06/2017 13:34

I find it really hard to understand a parent who actually chooses not to spend some quality time with their child who is an emerging adult. They're grown, and it's a time to simply enjoy their company and share in their dreams for the future, possibly before they go off to Uni or leave home etc

It's not really about the money is it, because a meal out, or a trip to the cinema doesn't need to be very expensive, and could be saved for and planned for the future. He hasn't suggested any cheaper alternatives either if he couldn't afford these outings.

Your husband should treat this as a wake up call if he thinks he may want to have a half decent relationship with DD going forward into the future. He needs to apologise, and give some thought and time to how he can make it up to her, before it's too late. Then, next year, DD may relish celebrating Father's Day with him.

Lweji · 18/06/2017 15:51

He really should consider himself lucky that she wants to spend time with him.
I'm not sure how many 18 year olds would invite their dads out. Even if they expected their dads to pay.

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