To think DD is being selfish because she won't come out for Father's Day?

[selectalldolls]

DD is 18 and has a pretty comfortable life I'd say!! Her dad goes to work 5 days a week and then does volunteering work which he does as more of an enjoyment thing than helping out (even I'm happy to admit that).

DD has asked DH to go out with her to various things and he does very much say he's too busy and then books an extra volunteering shift which even I'm a bit at.

However, DH takes DD to her shifts for work a lot and also picks her up at 10 pm, so she doesn't have to get the bus.

We are all going out for Father's Day tomorrow and she won't come saying he doesn't make an effort etc. I do get it but he does take her to work so surely a thank you for that is coming out just for tomorrow? I'm not asking her to wash his feet every morning. Just a quick thank you for the small favours he does.

AIBU to think it is a bit selfish?

Yes he has fed her, put a roof over her head, paid for everything, etc.

Things she has asked:
Go out for dinner
Go to the cinema
Go to see a show

I'm torn on this one. On the one hand I agree with your DD. But on the other, it's not a random meal she's been invited to, it's a family meal out for Fathers Day. I'm more heavily inclined to go with the "she doesn't get to duck out of a family occasion" opinion.

But your DH does need to make more of an effort to spend time with her the rest of the time.

navy if a wife posted here that her dh goes to work, pays bills, will pick ger up when she needs it but refuses to actually spend time with her. Declines to arrange anything with her and then books to volunteer. Would you say that dh has done a good job of building a good relatio ship with his wife?

I work full time and have a hobby. I also manage to build a relationship with my kids and my dh. I know spending time with them, even if its not stuff I really want to do, is imporatant.

And my kids always come before my hobby. I miss it because my teenage dd wants to go to starbucks and have a chat.

And my dh does the same. He loves it when the kids are choosing to spend time with him.

Sounds like your DD is hurt that her DF doesn't appear to actually like her as he actively avoids spending any meaningful time with her. I don't blame her.

Think about how you would feel if a friend acted the way he does, wouldn't you feel hurt and avoid them in future?

He should be glad his DD actively looks to spend social time with her, plenty of 18 year olds don't. He should take a long hard look at himself and stop rejecting her.

OP I would have been on your side but when you put that dd has asked dh to go with her to things MORE THAN ONCE, and he has said he is too busy, and then booked extra volunteering shifts you lost my sympathy. He has actively avoided spending time with his daughter and you seem to have let him do so. Why should dd now put herself out? As DD is 18 she is possibly going to uni this year or next, she will have to get used to public transport sooner or later. So if DH refuses to pick her up form work in future, it will be good preparation if she has to get bus home from work.

All of those things are material. What time has he given her OP?

My dad dropped me off and picked me up at my job all through uni. I worked in a taxi office and regularly finished at 2am, sometimes 4am. He would always set an alarm and be there for me. THAT'S a favour. What you're describing is a dad who regularly takes his daughter for granted. I'm not surprised she wants to hurt him back the way he's hurt her.

I spend time with my teenager in the house/garden, talking, listening to music etc we don't go out together very often at all. Doesn't mean I don't spend time with him.

This ^ Is very much what my relationship with my parents was/is like. Even now we don't go out together, we'll hang around at one of our houses instead.

Ok, so he could improve his behaviour and spend some more time with het, but Father's Day isn't about thanking your dad for picking you up from work or any of these small favours. It's about just showing someone you care about them. I'm sure she loves him even though he isn't perfect.

Good time to have an honest chat with him, I'd think. She can give him a card and present, say she loves him and say she would love it they could do something just the two of them, but that it hurts her that he chooses his volunteering work over her. That should get the message across.

I'd agree with her if she were 13.

But as she's benefiting from lifts and a room and is an adult. I think she needs to do this. Those of you on thread if you were still receiving lifts off your dad now wouldn't you feel obligated to make an effort?

I spend time with my teenager in the house/garden, talking, listening to music etc we don't go out together very often at all. Doesn't mean I don't spend time with him.

Maybe the ops dh does this. Spends time with dd at home. I hope he does.

But then maybe the dd would be happy to hang round the house with her dad today.

Maybe she is just trying to show him how it feels. Maybe she doesnt see why she should have to go out to celebrate him when he wouldnt choose to spend going somewhere with her.

His refusals and opting to do his hobby instead have obviously hurt her and their relationship.

If you only spend time with your kids at home and it works for all of you. Great. If your kids dont mind that you refuse their invitations to go somewhere with them and do you hobby instead. Great.

But thats not what's happening in the ops house. And neither parent seems to have noticed that it bothers her, until the dh isnt getting his special celebration.

Your DD is not being unreasonable.

Same with the other thread.

Pretty horrible to come far down on your father's list of priorities. Listen to her.

Is it Scouts?

My dad has missed so many important things due to fucking Scouts. He's missed several of DD's birthdays because it often falls on St George's Day. We could never have holidays over May half term because that was Camp Week.

He's retired now and has scaled back his commitments but it was all consuming for years. And yes, us kids did resent it.

My DH will sulk this evening because his DC will have 'forgotten' it's Father's Day today.
DH left at 7am this morning for his hobby, just as he has done more or less every Sunday for the last 20 years. So, hardly ever attending football matches, no days out, camping weekends etc etc ( DC did all these activities but with me and their GP ).
DH may have given them lifts, contributed to the household budget, (I also work FT) but has done precious little to create memories.
I am with your daughter 100%.

Things she has asked:
Go out for dinner
Go to the cinema
Go to see a show

He should have made the effort unless your dd has a habit of only asking because she wants to be treated. My dad wouldn't agree to going out with my brother because he was a user and expected the treat, if your dd was the same I could understand refusing and seeing it as using.

I'm sure she's not but just in case. My brother used to moan that dad refused to go our with him but we all agreed with dad having been used by him too!

He should put spending quality time with his dc as a priority. Swnbu to dm decline lunch. Hwnbu not to put himself out at 10 pm though, that's a favour not a parental requirement. Tbh, my dad did loads of favors for my brother, too many. He would have loved my brother to genuinely want his company.

I think it would be unreasonable to expect your Dd to come and spend time with him as he isn't willing to do that with her.

If she can drive it would be reasonable to ask her to give you a lift.

So she should go for a meal with her on his terms but when she asks he is too busy?

I can see why she would refuse..

I would be telling DH you reap what you sow.

Do you do these things with her?

I can understand her wanting to spend time with her dad but she seems to want to do things that cost money etc - is there an element of her wanting to do things and someone else to pay? Also, I'm not sure I consider going to a show or the cinema as quality time - they tend to be treats in our house!!

Perhaps it would be worth speaking to them about how they can spend time together at home or maybe she could go and volunteer with him occasionally and he could do something she wants occasionally

DD has asked DH to go out with her to various things and he does very much say he's too busy and then books an extra volunteering shift

This is your issue. When she asks him to spend some proper time with her he says no then goes volunteering instead. He isn't "too busy" he is actively choosing the volunteering over spending time with his daughter. He probably thinks giving her lifts makes up for this shitty behaviour.

Every time he says he is too busy to do something with her then goes and volunteers it is like a slap in the face telling her she's not good enough. Volunteering is more important that her. Especially if he's done this several times I can completely understand why she's at the fuck you stage.

No child should ever have to frequently ask a parent to spend time with them and keep being told no. Spending time with your kids is parenting 101. Prioritising everything else above spending time with them is parenting failure 101.

Things she has asked:
Go out for dinner
Go to the cinema
Go to see a show

So he won't go out for a meal with her to spend time with her when she asks but when it's Father's Day and it's all about him then he will do it? None of these requests are ridiculous (unless you can't afford them in which case a cheaper alternative could be suggested) this is definitely you reap what you sow.

Her telling you she's worth more I think is a great thing, she's basically saying I'm not putting the time in for someone who doesn't do the same for me. I would be proud and hope this will mean she doesn't waste her time in a relationship with someone who treats her like she's not good enough.

I think it depends, my dad wouldnt have wanted to go to the cinema or theatre with me as he had extremely specific tastes and would have absolutely hated most of the stuff I'd have liked. I just wouldn't have asked and didn't feel cross about it as it's just about him and who he is, not our relationship.

But the dinner thing...I think it's a bit of a shame if he has been asked by your DD multiple times to go out to dinner and he hasn't ever said yes? Surely everyone likes having dinner out, I can't see a good reason why he'd never want to go...

What about just around the house, do they chat / help each other / have a laugh together?