To think DD is being selfish because she won't come out for Father's Day?

[selectalldolls]

DD is 18 and has a pretty comfortable life I'd say!! Her dad goes to work 5 days a week and then does volunteering work which he does as more of an enjoyment thing than helping out (even I'm happy to admit that).

DD has asked DH to go out with her to various things and he does very much say he's too busy and then books an extra volunteering shift which even I'm a bit at.

However, DH takes DD to her shifts for work a lot and also picks her up at 10 pm, so she doesn't have to get the bus.

We are all going out for Father's Day tomorrow and she won't come saying he doesn't make an effort etc. I do get it but he does take her to work so surely a thank you for that is coming out just for tomorrow? I'm not asking her to wash his feet every morning. Just a quick thank you for the small favours he does.

AIBU to think it is a bit selfish?

Agree with PP, you reap what you sow. I don't think she's being selfish, he's shown her very clearly by his actions that he'd rather do almost anything else than spend proper time with her.

I also really hate this attitude that children should show gratitude at every turn, just because someone is their parent. So he's giving her a lift, big wow, isn't that just a normal part of parenting?

If he doesn't like the result, suggest to him he tries spending some quality time with her, or father's days are likely to just get worse from here.

I think as long as she gets him a card (or bare minimum) he can't really complain that she doesn't want to spend time with him as he's made it clear he doesn't want to spend time with her.
He can always stop the lifts if he thinks that's going above and beyond.

She is making a point, 18 year old are prone to do that! Will it be heard

I agree with the other posters who say that as part of normal life a father should drop off and pick up a teenage daughter at her work (she is only 18 after all) so no thanks are required - nice if it happens but parents should not expect to be thanked for being a parent as you chose to have her.

If he choses not to spend time with her why should she chose to spend time with him.

i would not insist.
at some point she will realise she has acted like a twat and regret it. she will come to the conclusion that parents are not perfect but still love het etc. leave her to it. she is a grown up. leave your dh to it. he is a grown up

I think getting into my car at 10pm at night to drive another adult home is a favour not my responsibilities as a parent. In fact, suggesting it's a given I drive her around when she's an 18 year old adult is failing as her parent.

Let me guess, she doesn't pay for gas, doesn't pay market rate rent to live at home and doesn't pay for her food either, right?

That said, I also agree she's making a point for feeling emotionally rejected by her father.

More to this, isn't there?

I agree with Trollspoopglitter and was going to post similar.

I'd guess that the lifts feel like normal parent duties (not they are), and she might not even mind public transport or feel controlling.

But he seems to actively avoid engaging her in activities. And this is what she's rebelling about. It must hurt and I hope your OH understands this.

But @NavyandWhite making sure she isn't put into a foster home isn't exactly being a good father is it? And surely only good fathers deserve a Father's Day celebration.

Or @NavyandWhite maybe she could pay for his dinner but not go to it? That sounds reasonable, surely?

Navy surely doing the bare minimum expected from you isn't something to celebrate.

He chose to be a parent, surely feeding her and providing housing doesn't warrant a gold star?

He's done more than take her to work! He's put a roof over her head, fed her, clothed her, took her in holiday and bought her everything else she's needed so far. So the minimum expected of a parent?

Navy, thats what parents do.

Wheb he has had chance to actually spend time with her he refused and told her is 'hobby' is more important.

Why should she put herself out for him?

Providing a roof and food is the parental minimum.

My friend found herself in a 5picjle yesterday and i picked her up and brought her to my house. I got a thank you and thats all i expect. Not a celebration of how great i am.

She's expected to go out for a Father's Day meal with him because he fed and clothed her as a child?

So, he wants to put on some fake spending time together, just because the calendar says it's Father's Day when the other 364 days of the year he makes it blatantly obvious he doesn't want to spend time with her.

you are being very unreasonable not to support her.

It's clearly more than one event that's caused this, don't be obtuse to fit your narrative.

navy the op says its happen several times. She says various events.

She hasnt said one event and gives the impression he has put his hobby/volunteering before his dd alot.

Some parents need to realise that when you don't spend time with your kids they may not want to spend time with you later on.
My ds's are 16 and nearly 18. Their father has not made any effort to see them in months. Ex doesn't even call them or send them messages on facebook. Younger son has finished GCSEs and ex was not even interested enough to say well done or good luck.
Ex is butt hurt today that the kids don't want to see him or even send him a card. I tried my best making them go and offered several times to buy a card and present but they didn't want to bother. They did however get my dp (in their life for nearly 6 years) a present but no card as they don't consider him to be their dad. Both kids thanked him for being a helpful and caring person and for being there for them. They have a very loving and caring relationship with dp and enjoy his company.
Ex could have a relationship like that with our kids but he prefers going out smoking weed with friends and going to festivals and the like. The kids are last on his list and he only ever wants them for fathers day and his birthday. He can barely even be fussed to see them at christmas.
I think in years to come the kids will end up doing a duty visit once a year to their dad and that will be it. Ex is the same with his own father so it's very sad to see history repeat itself. I'm just very glad that the boys have a man type around that they trust and can rely on to be there for them.

What are the kinds of things she's asked him to do with her that he hasn't done? Are they "lift" related or genuine opportunities to spend quality time together?

On the face it it, she sounds a bit churlish. If I'm being picked up after work on a regular basis to save me a bus trip and fare, I would want to show my appreciation. She's over 18 and shouldn't take that for granted.

It's upsetting that your daughter asks him, actually asks her dad for his company and he refuses. How hurtful for her. And you can point to him doing a small favour as his whole personal effort for his daughter? That's not feeling great to me.

@NavyandWhite she he gets a celebration for speaking to her? I do that to everyone I come in contact with.