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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regret having a baby

83 replies

Bunnychops · 17/06/2017 12:26

I feel terrible posting this - I've made a throwaway account as I couldn't bare for anyone to know this is how I really feel ☹️

DD was born 4 wks ago and I have been overcome with a constant feeling of sadness and regret ever since that time. We so wanted a baby and I feel terribly selfish. I feel no connection, no happiness, no love, just emptiness. DH, Family and friends are all overjoyed and I feel I have to fake that I am happy because that's how I'm expected to feel. I feel guilty as I've got a great support network around me but I just feel nothing but sadness and regret. I thought I was prepared but I never realised in a million years that a newborn baby could be this hard, I feel I've thrown all hopes of future happiness away.

Please tell me I am not alone and that this feeling will to away? Sad

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 17/06/2017 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigDamnHero · 17/06/2017 12:29

I agree with Navy; it sounds an awful lot like you are suffering from post natal depression. You need to talk to your GP (or your HV if that would be easier for you). Flowers

BitchQueen90 · 17/06/2017 12:29

Sounds like PND. You must see a GP.

harderandharder2breathe · 17/06/2017 12:31

Sounds like PND, it's not your faultFlowers you need to speak to your health visitor and/or see your GP.

Troubleshootingforever · 17/06/2017 12:31

Ach you poor thing. Please speak to your gp or health visitor, you sound like you could have PND, very common and nothing to be ashamed about. Be kind to yourself xx

VerityHabitat · 17/06/2017 12:31

Get some help, it's not your fault.

It really helped me to talk to other mums who had experienced the same thing.

fabulous01 · 17/06/2017 12:31

Please speak to someone. I think it is probably more common than talked about

Rockandrollwithit · 17/06/2017 12:32

I had PND and it was just like this. Please don't try to carry on, speak to your GP and be honest with the people who love you. It will get better Flowers

goose1964 · 17/06/2017 12:32

I agree see your GP asap I had It with my first and it's was just how you are feeling, it can be treated

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 17/06/2017 12:34

bunny you're definitely not the first woman to feel this way and definitely won't be the last. A new baby is an absolutely massive life event and nothing can prepare you for it.

It's perfectly natural to feel overwhelmed regardless of how strong your support network is. However, it is probably best that you talk through your feelings with your GP or health visitor. They can offer extra support and advice.

Please don't feel guilty. This happens to so many women and is nothing to be ashamed of!

grafittiartist · 17/06/2017 12:34

It's also pure tiredness! It puts a cloud over everything. Nine months of looking forward to your baby being here, there is bound to be a funny feeling afterwards. Give it time.

Flumpernickel · 17/06/2017 12:34

It will go away, but I think you might need a bit of extra help and support from your GP.
Bonding with baby isnt an instant process for everyone, and if you have (As I suspect you may) PND then this will make everything a gazillion times worse.

Get some support, and give yourself time and a break. Newborns are incredibly hard work, but it really does get better.

Flowers
YeahILoveSummer · 17/06/2017 12:34

Take care of yourself and see your doctor. A new baby is overwhelming. Xx

Applesandpears23 · 17/06/2017 12:34

As others have said, you need to get some support. Also remember that newborns are hard work but as they get older children need you in a less intense way and are happier spending time with other people. It gets easier to share the work as they get bigger. For now make sure you are getting as much help as possible so you can get some rest.

RedBeanie · 17/06/2017 12:35

It's not just you, I don't think it's uncommon to feel like this. It's such a huge change and adjustment having a little one to look after, and you're exhausted, mentally and physically. All of a sudden it's not just about you (in the nicest possible way), but you have taken on huge responsibilities for another person.

Like others have said, it is worth seeing your GP or talking to the midwife/health visitor ... It will get better, just remember it takes a few months to get used to your new life. You are not alone, keep posting if it helps, and don't feel bad for feeling this way.

Flumpernickel · 17/06/2017 12:44

I hated the newborn stage, I really struggled, but when both of my kids hit about 4 months onwards and the first real glimpses of personality started to shine through in their little faces, it suddenly became clear what all that hard work had been for!
At the moment, you have this demanding little creature, who you dont yet fully know or understand, and no response/reaction from then that you are doing all the right things coupled with a crushing fog of tiredness that you have never experienced previously, of course you are going to have a major wobble! It does change, I promise you.

chaz777 · 17/06/2017 12:48

Hi Bunnychops,
Please do not feel guilty that your having these feeling, I promise, you will feel what your "suppose" to feel. I felt exactly how you described and it's horrific but the good news is it won't always feel this way. As the other members have already said, go to your gp as it will be the first step to getting you back xx lots of love x

Confusedandintrigued · 17/06/2017 12:54

Or you're tired and feeling a bit low, after all it's only 4 weeks in. Completely expected and understandable.
I wouldn't automatically assume PND

beachdream · 17/06/2017 12:56

Don't feel guilty at all- it's very common and sounds like classic PND. See your GP or HV and get it seen to asap.
I had PND and it was made worse by me feeling that I would never love her and I would be the only person in the world who didn't love their baby. I got some help, I figured her out a bit, and 4 and a half years later I couldn't love her any more if I tried. You'll be okay op

dustmotesinthesun · 17/06/2017 12:57

I'm not a mum but I've seen so many people post similarly over the years I've been on mumsnet. You definitely aren't the only one. The first few weeks look absolutely horrendous - I have no idea how people get through it really.

It must feel like a bomb has gone off. Even with not being a mum I can tell you that they don't stay little for long. This isn't how it will always be. You definitely need to go and tell a gp you feel like this because there is help out there and things will then start to get better. I know in a year from now you won't feel like this. You will build a bond with your child and you will be ok. Flowers You just have to take a few steps to get there when you're feeling exhausted and vulnerable. Ask for help. Keep asking. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

NataliaOsipova · 17/06/2017 12:57

If it's any help, a friend of mine said she felt exactly the same way for the first six weeks after her first child was born. She's just had number three! The first weeks are hard and it's a shock like no other. As others have said - talk to someone. You won't always feel this way.

ThanksMsMay · 17/06/2017 13:01

It might not even be PND, it could be just garden variety exhaustion combined with raging hormones. Whatever it is, it's unfortunately very normal and you should speak to you gp or hv. I wanted my baby desperately, tried for years. I was so exhausted from the bf which was going horrible and hadn't slept an hour straight in days.

Apparently in the middle of the night I called my beautiful newborn dd a cunt and told dh to take her off of me.

To this day I have no recollection of the conversation.

Tokelau · 17/06/2017 13:04

OP, I felt exactly the same when I had my first baby. I had been looking forward to it, I was happy about the pregnancy, but after she was born, I felt nothing for her. I didn't want to hurt her, but I didn't want her. I wanted to give her to a couple who would love her and raise her well. I felt like this for weeks, and I think lack of any sleep made me feel worse. Plus, she had feeding and sickness problems and seemed to scream constantly. I didn't feel like myself. I felt as if the person I had been had gone, and I was completely different.

I didn't see a GP, I didn't even realise anything was wrong. I got over it slowly after a few months, but it was the worst time of my life, and it should have been the best. It's only looking back, that I can realise how ill I was. Please go to your GP and tell them how you feel and let them help you. Also, accept all help that is offered from family and friends, and sleep. Forget about housework etc., just sleep and get well. Flowers

maddening · 17/06/2017 13:06

I remember thinking "what the fuck have I done - why the fuck did I think this was a good idea" - lucky didn't have pnd on top of the shell shock of having a baby but can imagine how hard it is for you.

This really is the hardest bit- just focus on holding on - get as much or as little company as you need.

4 months it gets a little easier, then 6 months it (for most) improves a lot ime

Get dh to watch dbaby this weekend between feeds and get out in the Sun, lie in the garden and soak up some vitamin d.

Choose a load of box sets or films you want to see for the marathon feeds.

Get out and about if you can.

MrsDanversKnickers · 17/06/2017 13:07

It's such a big adjustment, give yourself time.

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