Regret having a baby

[Bunnychops]

I feel terrible posting this - I've made a throwaway account as I couldn't bare for anyone to know this is how I really feel ☹️

DD was born 4 wks ago and I have been overcome with a constant feeling of sadness and regret ever since that time. We so wanted a baby and I feel terribly selfish. I feel no connection, no happiness, no love, just emptiness. DH, Family and friends are all overjoyed and I feel I have to fake that I am happy because that's how I'm expected to feel. I feel guilty as I've got a great support network around me but I just feel nothing but sadness and regret. I thought I was prepared but I never realised in a million years that a newborn baby could be this hard, I feel I've thrown all hopes of future happiness away.

Please tell me I am not alone and that this feeling will to away?

Honestly, honestly, honestly, you are not alone in thinking this. I reckon most first time mums (if not all of them) think this at some point. It's just not the done thing to express it out loud hence why you never hear it in real life which adds to pressure of the situation. Since being on MN I've seen countless threads all saying the same thing. You are not alone believe me. I am also not ashamed to say I had exactly the same thoughts on numerous occasions when I had my first child. Having your first child is so life changing, I couldn't believe how difficult it was and I grieved over my previous life when I was not at the beck and call of a little baby and had my own identity that was just me (as well as some order in my life). It's really tough with a newborn, defo exacerbated by lack of sleep and the overwhelming responsibility of it all. I felt my life as I knew it had gone, forever, and I felt so alone as none of my friends with babies had ever said the same thing about the feelings of regret that I was experiencing.To be honest I thought I was a complete failure as a mum and at times as though I was going mad plus V lonely as I could not tell anyone of the thoughts going round my mind about how much I regretted having my baby. However, the weeks passed and then the months and I started to get a bit more of me back. It helped that my husband agreed to look after the baby for a couple of hours, then half a day, then a whole day (or more or less). I spent this time doing what I wanted and it was a godsend. Also as I got into the swing of my new role the bond between me and my son started to grow. He's now 18 months and I can honestly say I'd give up my life for him without question. Our bond is fantastic and he is the best thing ever in my and DHs life. I love him like I never thought I could love and despite the difficulties of those first few months I now look back at the time and miss him as a little baby (even though at that time I was counting the months until he started school so I could get a bit of me back). Please dont think that this time is now you forever. The saying 'this too shall pass' is frequently banded about in motherhood but is so true. Your LO will settle down and you will start to see a bit of your old self back. Newborns are very hard work but I promise totally worth it. You'll look back and smile at this time and see how well you've done under really challenging circumstances which quite frankly no one can prepare you for. Do go and speak to your GP or health visitors about how you are feeling though. They will have heard the same from many new mums and often just Hearing this is enough to make a difference. They can also support you if you do have PND. It's a lot more common than you might think and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I also recommend a book that helped me no end in realising that my feelings of disconnect with my baby are not unusual: www.naomistadlen.com/what-mothers-do.asp

This is an excellent book (you can get it on Amazon) all about how new and experienced mums feel about motherhood. In particular the chapters titled 'Who understands?'; 'Nothing prepares you'; 'All the responsibility', 'So tired I could die' really helped me normalise some of the difficult feelings I was experiencing at the time.

Good luck OP, I'm sure you are doing a fantastic job as a mother and remember that all new jobs take some time to get into the swing of things and you will get there like all the new mums before you.

💐

I promise it gets easier OP the feelings of despair and hopelessness were a memory I will never forget but with some medication and time it got better. Much love to you ❤️

Just chiming in to say I felt much the same
Everyone was swooning over DS and I just didn't feel a connection. Instead it was as if I'd condemned myself to some indescribable purgatory. It wasn't helped by people talking about a huge rush of love and motherly instinct.
It was purely hormones and tiredness. And I should have asked for help. It took a while to climb back to normal but it happened and now I adore DS.
Be kind to yourself. Talk to your GP/HV.

I felt the same too. I felt like I was playing myself in a film with this baby and was looking forward to the film being over so I didn't have to act anymore. I didn't feel very much for my baby at all, certainly no rush of love.

I don't feel like that anymore, I am growing to love my baby.

I just wanted to add to everyone saying you're not alone in this. I remember crying on DH saying that I didn't feel anything for DS, that they'd be much better if I left and he found DS a good mother and I just felt numb. I felt exhausted, hormonal and like I'd never be able to leave the house again or ever be happy again. The poster describing it as feeling like being in an indescribable purgatory has really hit the nail on the head.

We're at 8 months now and I can tell you it gets better. Despite thinking I'd never leave the house again, I now take DS out every day and we have a look around at stuff and get me a coffee. I can wander round the house with DS crawling around behind me and sit down with a book and half an eye on him while he throws his blocks around. It really helps when they start interacting with you.

Talk to your DH and take care of yourself. Remember that you are not alone in this.

I researched the crap out of PND after I had DS (7 months next week). The symptoms didn't seem to fit me. I would panic when he started to cry at night, this feeling of an elephant on my chest. I would stand over his crib and cry, wondering WTH I had done. To myself. To DH. I briefly considered adoption, but knew there was no way that DH's family would let that slide. I would google everything, trying to figure it all out (am I feeding him too much, not enough, how much weight should he gain, am I holding him too little, too much, am I not helping his sleep associations, when will he sleep better, is sleeping on me bad for his naps... etc etc). My nurse (equivalent of HV) realised I had anxiety with a touch of depression. I felt so out of control that forgetting to put the bin out on bin day had me in tears because I "failed".

I fought it for 6 weeks. I promised my OB that if I didn't feel better by then that I would at least try sertraline (zoloft). The first week is rough because anxiety tends to get worse so I had a quick acting medication to help with the rough patches. It took maybe 2 weeks, it can take 4 or so, but that's when I felt like myself again, more able to cope. I still had panicky moments (work related), but it's been a while now and I feel a world of difference!

Like you, I was numb the majority of the time, but then I would have an anxiety attack over the stupidest things (or him crying). We had baby photos taken for Christmas. I look back now and feel bad how uninterested I was in them. I wanted the photos, I knew I SHOULD want the photos, his first Christmas and all that, but I wasn't interested in posing him, or wanting this pic or that pic. MIL did most of it.

I don't know where I'd be without the support system. I'm not sure part of mine was due to going into labour 3 weeks early (water broke) and just not thinking it was "time" but now I'm glad I did those photos, I'm glad I saved the stuff from birth until I was feeling better (to make a shadow box). I was really hoping that I'd feel like it one day (and have the time frankly!) and I will and I feel excited about doing it.

As people always said to me you wouldn't suffer with a headache, you'd take something to help it. Don't feel like you need to suffer through. If medication doesn't work, you'll have other options too. Don't be afraid to talk about it. We'll help you through it (and I suggest you move this to relationships or a baby related thread.

Oh OP, I was here a few weeks ago, feeling so low and trapped and anxious. Support on here helped me so much. Time to pay it forward.

I remember feeling like I SHOULD be fawning all over this little bundle, but I wasn't, I was scared of him! I felt a very primeval need to protect him, which sounds wonderful but it was far from it. When family tried to help by taking him for a walk, I would feel very uncomfortable about where he was. I wanted him to be safe and cared for, but I certainly didn't have this rush of overwhelming love that everyone goes on about.

I remember praying to God (I'm not religious which complicates things in that regard) in tears, to make DC sleep so that I could nap, and this was during the day!

As everyone has said, it DOES get better I promise. I saw a great GP who made me feel normal and told me how well I was doing. That was the start of me feeling better. Go and see your doctor.

The second piece of advice I can give, and was given here, is to get out. It's the last thing you want to do, ABSOLUTE last thing, but put DC in the pram, pull on some clothes and walk. I walked for miles and that trapped feeling gradually lifted. Does wonders for mental and physical health and I swear it helped baby sleep better.

Hi bunny how did you get on talking to your dh? Did you call your gp this morning?