Regret having a baby

[Bunnychops]

I feel terrible posting this - I've made a throwaway account as I couldn't bare for anyone to know this is how I really feel ☹️

DD was born 4 wks ago and I have been overcome with a constant feeling of sadness and regret ever since that time. We so wanted a baby and I feel terribly selfish. I feel no connection, no happiness, no love, just emptiness. DH, Family and friends are all overjoyed and I feel I have to fake that I am happy because that's how I'm expected to feel. I feel guilty as I've got a great support network around me but I just feel nothing but sadness and regret. I thought I was prepared but I never realised in a million years that a newborn baby could be this hard, I feel I've thrown all hopes of future happiness away.

Please tell me I am not alone and that this feeling will to away?

And, I forgot to say, I now have a great relationship with my DD, who is 20, and I didn't feel like this when I had my second child.

Oh OP Promise you are definitely not the only one to feel like that and definitely ANBU. I felt really guilty and that I obviously wasn't cut out for motherhood because I didn't get that instant rush of love everyone talks about and didn't enjoy every second. In fact the first few months were shit. Hated it. Go and see GP or hv. Talk to other mums. Get out and make yourself go to the baby groups to talk to other mums. I bet most of them feel the same.

Promise it gets better

At about four weeks in, I clearly remember (well, as clearly as I remember anything from that period) wailing to DH, 'I just wish someone would take him away and not bring him baaaaaaack!'

How you feel is so, so common. You are not a bad mother. Go see your GP/HV, call on any support you can, and in the meantime just keep getting through each day as best you can. This will be a distant memory soon enough, I promise.

Please remember - this will pass, you will not feel like this for ever.

Please seek help, this is not uncommon and can be dealt with.

Well done on getting through the first 4 weeks of motherhood 😊

A few of the mums I've talked to have admitted to this (and I suspect that many more are too embarassed to do so - like you creating this throwaway account and suffering alone). I think it's a lot more common than we are led to believe.
Before you have a baby the only images of motherhood you see are suffused with love and joy, you expect that you will suddenly change as a person and transform into this selfless being who lives for another - nonsense. It takes time in many cases to fall in love with your baby, and feeling guilty if you don't do so immediately is not going to get you there quicker.
In my case it took nearly a year, till he started exhibiting a very distinct personality. I felt so guilty about this until a friend of mine 'confessed' that she didn't enjoy spending time with her 3 month old. That made it easier for me to broach the subject with others and I was surprised to hear that I wasn't a terrible person, or at least not more terrible than quite a few mums I spoke to.
You don't have to be ashamed, talk about this and you might help some other mum like my friend helped me.

YEP defo post natal depression!

Sorry you feel like this OP, but I'd think it was odd if you didn't! I bet most women wished they could send the baby back to where it came from, at least once, in those first few months. It's very hard going, it's 24/7 work, you never get a reprieve, and your lack of sleep will not be helping the situation. It gets easier as the months go on though, and you will wonder why you struggled so much and felt like this.

A friend of mine had a baby (girl) in 2009, and said she felt envious of the people of her age at the time (22-25,) who were tootling off to the pubs and clubs on a Friday night because she was stuck indoors. And she even envied people going to work at 8.30am and returning at 5pm, because that was their day's work over. Her job never stopped. And on a Friday, they were off for 2 and a half days, and she stared in envy at them, as they went shopping with mates, went to afternoon BBQ's getting tipsy, and went to concerts, and nightclubs etc. She didn't even have time for a decent bath.

But now, her daughter is 7 (almost 8,) and is a total poppet. A lovely girl who see has lots of fun with, and absolutely adored. These same people now have 2-6 month old babies themselves, and say to her 'omg, I wish MINE was 7. It seems so far away.'

So it will get better. Talk to your doctor though, you need some support.

Yes, yes to all the above. Don't feel guilty and don't feel you're the only one.

It could well be a touch of PND, but it could be first baby shock. I thought my world had ended when i had DD1. (unplanned)

4 weeks in i was still deep in shock from the birth, deep in shock from the pain, deep in shock from the relentless tiredness just as bad as late pregnancy, in shock from the sudden huge sense of responsibility, in shock that my body hadn't gone back to normal, and just - full of regret.

I can't tell you when exactly the turning point was. It might have been as much as 6 months in. Surfice to say i went on to have 3 more children :) Still hate the newborn stage though. It's HARD. Be kind to yourself

The early days are SO hard and it sounds like you really would benefit from talking to your GP about depression. Antidepressants made a bit difference to me - they took a few weeks to work but then life started seeming more enjoyable and less bleak.

As long as your baby is being taken care off - like feeding and nappy changes etc then it doesn't matter at all if you take longer to bond. With Ds2 I went through the motions of minding him but didn't love him at the start. I would not have wanted anything bad to happen to him but I didn't feel partucularly connected to him. He's 5 now and we're very close and the lack of a bond at the start is irrelevant.

You are not alone. I clearly remember feeling like this when I had my DD, in fact I remember she was 5 weeks old when it became too much and I admitted how I was feeling to DH. He begged me to go to the doctor's but I didn't because I was afraid of being put on medication while breastfeeding. I now wish I had gone and just discussed it with the GP to see what was available. It is so so hard - the lack of sleep makes it so much harder. For me it was just total shock at every aspect of my life changing overnight. My DD will be 2 in August and she is an absolute joy! I cannot imagine life without her, she brings us so much happiness. It was all worth it, every one of those first painful days and I must think so because I'm having another in November! 😁 Don't feel guilty, these are normal feelings but you don't have to suffer then alone. Reach out to your doctor or someone you trust. Wishing you all the best xx

You're 4 weeks in, it's an overwhelming, exhausting, shocking, bizarre time. You may have PND (I did not feel depressed but had massive PND which manifested itself in anxiety, OCD etc so please do not fall into the trap of feeling that to have PND you need to feel down that is not true for many women.)
It may just be the shock. Please do not just expect to feel better without help - it took me 20 months to seek help for my PND because I felt I was being silly, it was normal and I'd get better in time. I did not get better until I sought help from my GP and I wish I had gone sooner as PND is hell. So you may get better in time but please do not just expect or hope that you'll feel better.
Best wishes to you OP.

I will echo what a lot of PP have said.
Please go and see your GP on Monday. It is likely to be PND. Maybe its something else but the no bonding at all rings alarm bells for me (having had PND myself).
Sadness and struggling could well be down to just adjusting.
No bonding signals something deeper IMO.

Please also remember that PND is an ILLNESS and that there is nothing to be ashamed about. It doesn't mean anything about how you are and will be as a mum nor does it say anything about the bond you WILL build with your baby.

Oh yes can I echo too that the best yu can do is to go and see your GP and get help?

I'm another one of those new mum who didn't seek help/didn't see there was an issue. I struggled on my own (plus HV wasn't helpful at all either...) and that has much more profound consequences for me and Dc1.
I wish I had been to see the GP early on rather than thinking that was normal, it would pass, everyone feels down, it's just a bit of baby blues etc...

I just I found it an awful time, a lot of people do I think. I remember very clearly wishing it was a year later so the first year was over and done with. It felt like a prison sentence. I didn't get any help but wish I had as it sort of ruined my first year as a mum. Speaking to someone might help but Don't think you're the only one that felt/feels that way.

Gosh, not odd or unusual at all.

I think feeling overwhelmed and wtf to to point of regretting having a baby have I done is pretty normal in the first few weeks. And nothing to be ashamed of. It's fucking shitty, exhausting relentless and not in any way rewarding.

If you are feeling consistent low, definitely get some help, even just a chat to a sympathetic GP or HV. I struggled needlessly for months with PND.

Aw, you poor thing. Echo all the posts above and go see your gp or speak to your HV asap. And talk to your DH. Don't feel like this alone, it's not uncommon and help is there. Know that one day you will feel much better.

I don't often post on mumsnet but had to after reading yours. I also struggled massively after my first - didn't enjoy it at all. I also felt ashamed to admit it to anybody, utterly exhausted, overwhelmed and wanted my old life back. Looking back I often wonder if I had PND, or if these feelings are completely normal as it's such an enormous change, even with a support network in place. For me, the cloud slowly lifted over the first year or two, and I went on to have three quite close in age. The youngest is now four and I feel like a different person. I adore all of my children and love spending time with them - I wouldn't have my life any other way. Hang on in there - it does get easier. Also please do speak to your GP or HV as they have so much experience in helping people through what can be a very difficult time

Honestly it's not just you and you are so brave to admit it,far braver than I was when I felt the same!

I felt like you do after I had my first DC,I honestly felt so lost and alone and our baby was very much wanted and we'd been trying for over a year to have him so those feelings knocked me sideways.

I reached out once he was 6 months and got some help but I still wish I'd reached out so much sooner so I really hope you do.

Please don't suffer in silence,if you don't want to tell a family member or friend please speak to your Midiwfe or HV believe me your not the first to feel this way and they really will be able to help you.

You maybe mourning your lost freedom and sleep

It gets better

You are allowed to feel this way

This was me just over two years ago, I used to wish my dc would just disappear, I regretted having him so much, I pretended to everyone I was so happy when I was very depressed.

Now on 60mg Prozac and receiving professional help at my local health centre. I still have bad days which make me feel shit and frustrated, but on the whole I am so much better. I just walked into my Gps room and burst into tears. I should have done it way before I did. Nobody judged, nothing has shocked any of the people I have spoken to.
In fact you will be amazed how many people will come forward and admit to you that they felt the same.
Please get help. It is out there I promise.

Sweetheart, you have PNI/PND. I could have written your post word for word after DC1's birth. You are not abnormal, you are ill - please see your GP ASAP, ask for emergency appt on Monday.

You will get better I promise you (& no, DC1 feels no less loved & cherished than the other DC do).

I wish MN had been around then for me, but it is here for you now and pretty much everyone can see this is classic PND/PNI and all you need is some help and then all will be so so much better for you

please get some help. Things will get better. xxx

My DD2 is 4 weeks old too, and I had exactly the same thoughts- but having gone through PND once already with DD1 I restarted my antidepressants and got support straightaway (from HV and family). Even just sobbing on my mum's shoulder and unburdening myself made a huge difference to how I was feeling.

Make sure you look after yourself- sleep whenever you get chance. Eat and drink regularly even if you don't feel like it.

You are not alone. I felt shell shocked and like I was in a bubble for a good few months. speak to your health visitor if they are still visiting or a t a weigh-in clinic. I found getting out for a daily walk with the pram helped a bit. It passed for without treatment but wasn't until about 3 months that I started to feel like me again.

Everyone expects those first few weeks to be wonderful and they aren't, it's so much harder than you think.

Plus most people act as though it's fabulous which then makes you feel as something is dreadfully wrong.

In a few weeks the really hard part will have past and you will be feeling much better about it all.

Take care and be kind to yourself, if it doesn't lift and feels as though it's getting worse then have a chat with your GP