Regret having a baby

[Bunnychops]

I feel terrible posting this - I've made a throwaway account as I couldn't bare for anyone to know this is how I really feel ☹️

DD was born 4 wks ago and I have been overcome with a constant feeling of sadness and regret ever since that time. We so wanted a baby and I feel terribly selfish. I feel no connection, no happiness, no love, just emptiness. DH, Family and friends are all overjoyed and I feel I have to fake that I am happy because that's how I'm expected to feel. I feel guilty as I've got a great support network around me but I just feel nothing but sadness and regret. I thought I was prepared but I never realised in a million years that a newborn baby could be this hard, I feel I've thrown all hopes of future happiness away.

Please tell me I am not alone and that this feeling will to away?

Talk to your GP, but another one here who thinks it may not be PND. It could just be a very normal response to one of the biggest things that can happen to you in life.

I felt exactly the same, a year on I love being and people comment on how calm and happy I seem (as a mother). They're not wrong, but they don't realise that I feel like I completely fell apart and had to piece myself back to get together in order to get to this stage. The newborn bit is HARD.

i had this with my first born. she was 6 weeks old and i sat in a coffee shop to try and cheer myself up and cried.

i had pnd with her, and now have 3 kids and can honestly say that those first 3 months were absolute hell. it all finally lifted when i stopped bf at a year old and didn't feel so smothered.

i know it's pnd, but i think it's normal when you consider a complete change in circumstances, loss of freedom, lost sleep and the realisation that this is it. no going back. some people relish it, i hated it.

subsequent babies weren't nearly so hard. this is the worst it gets i promise. the night is darkest before the dawn and it's easier from here on.

It does sound like PND, you know what, I felt the same, I just don't do babies. My first born, my daughter now 10, used to cry from morning until night every day, she was so hard. So hard to settle, and I felt confined to the house as she just would not stop crying. It got a lot better once she was older.

Please ask for help. When we had my eldest (and much wanted) child I told my husband we'd made a mistake and I wanted to have him adopted. I was ill. I'm better now and I love him and his brother hugely. What you're feeling is not unusual but it's not a good place to be and you can feel better with help.

Oh darling, its so common to feel this way and is usually down to pnd. As you have another couple of weeks til your 6 week check you should call your GP or HV today to see if someone can come out to see you.
You don't have to suffer in silence

Also I know people keep saying this but it does get easier, I promise xx

Definitely speak to GP. Make sure you are also carving out bits of time for yourself to have a bath or a nap or go for a walk while someone else has baby for a bit. You probably have lots of processing to do and you need a chance to catch up with yourself when you're not focused on her. How was the birth? If you're finding it hard or upsetting to think about that is worth mentioning to GP too.

Look after yourself

Even without PND know that your thoughts are really normal. I was really lucky, I didn't have PND. I also spent 4 years and ivf to conceive DS - he was very very wanted. And at your stage I clearly remember me and DH repeatedly saying to each other "holy fuck, what have we DONE?!!". If I could have returned him then I may well have done.

He's 6 months now, the absolute light of my life. I've honestly never felt love like it.

So know, you have nothing at all to be ashamed of xxxx

I felt exactly like you, and I so wish I'd had 50+ people tell me I had PND. Please take it on board and see your doctor love.

I would have saved myself years of heartache if I'd got treatment when I needed it. It's nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. It's a medical condition just like any other. Good luck.

Hell yes, I remember toying with the idea of putting DC1 out of the window about 3am one morning when he was 3 weeks old. And I didn't really bond with DC2 until he was 3 or 4 months old (looked after him as best I could but didn't really feel it) then suddenly had an overwhelming rush of love and our relationship now couldn't be stronger. It'll all be fine op.

"Apparently in the middle of the night I called my beautiful newborn dd a cunt and told dh to take her off of me.

To this day I have no recollection of the conversation".

I must be a weirdo cause that made me burst out laughing.

In all seriousness though ThanksMsMay; it's honesty like that that helps people.

You are not alone. My DD is 5 weeks on monday. I did not love her when she was born, or feel any sort of 'connection'. I knew I needed to care for her, but that was it. When we got home, 5 days after she was born, I thought, 'What the hell have I done? Our life is ruined.' She is a much wanted baby, I have a wonderful, supportive DH & family, and a lovely home - perfect set up for a baby from the outside.

But I felt absolutely broken - I just wanted her to go away. I would wake up in the morning dreading the day ahead. I had no interest in her or her development. I just didn't care.

My wonderful mum had experienced pnd when I was born, and recognised the signs straight away. GP started me on Sertraline the following day, and within a week I was feeling a bit better.

Now I feel good - I'm enjoying being a mum (most of the time!) and bonding with her. I feel like I've grown to love her, which is also normal (I think there's so much emphasis on the 'rush of love' at birth - we don't all get it, PND or not!)

Please see your GP and have a chat- you are not alone.

I hope you feel better really soon xx

You're not alone, you're amongst thousands of other women who feel like this. It really sounds like PND, and there is help out there. Your HV will understand, will have learnt all about this in their training and will have met lots of other mothers feeling like this.
Don't be embarrassed, dont feel guilty, it's not your fault. You wouldn't feel guilty if you fell over and broke your leg, because you couldn't help it. This is the same, you can't help your feelings and emotions. You can get help to deal with it though, just like you could get help with a broken leg.

Bunny first thing Monday morn go see your doctor and tell him or her how you feel you have every symptom of Post natal depression and as many other posters have said . Don't drag it out any longer it is treatable you will feel better trust me bin there and seen it and lived thru it wiuth my fist wife.

Please seek medical help right! Please?.

Gosh, this makes me so cross as it doesn't sound as if anything has moved forward in this area over the past 25 years.

I had very similar following 4 years of infertility treatment and 3 mmc's prior to much longed for DD being born. I just couldn't understand why I didn't feel the way everyone - including me - expected me to feel. I faked it BIG TIME! After several weeks I suddenly broke down in front of HV who got on the phone to GP immediately stating I had pretty awful PND. 3 weeks later - with the help of a prescription of AD's - I felt like a completely different person and my feelings for DD grew fantastically. I was so very grateful but when I realised how common it is I was left wondering why no-one had ever mentioned the possibility prior to me giving birth 🤔. Not at the ante-natal classes, midwife/consultant appointments, when I was hospitalised with pre-eclampsia etc. Not a word! Sounds as if this is still the case which is ridiculous. It would help so many women if warnings and symptoms to look out for were given in advance. Why are we STILL being left in the dark and being allowed to think we are an unfit mother/abnormal when we are unlucky enough to be hit with this? (Sorry rant over!)

OP, you are most definitely NOT the only one to feel this way but as other pp's have assured you, with a little help it will get MUCH better be it actually PND or just sheer exhaustion/newborn shock.

I didn't bond until about 12 weeks with my first, it felt an eternity of exhaustion and disappointment at the time but it is nothing in the life you will share together. Honestly the shock of new baby will ease over time and you'll grow to know and love your daughter. You don't need to force it, it will happen, suddenly all the caring behaviours that seem so hard and maybe a bit fake right now will become natural and confident. It really does get easier.

Just to note as well please ask your GP about getting checked for any vitamin/iron deficiencies. It's really common to be depleted in key things like iron, vit B and vit D and those can really add to the tiredness and low energy/mood.

Rafflesway, to be fair, PND was covered in my NCT antenatal classes and discussed at my 6wk check. I can't say whether it came up in NHS antenatal classes because I didn't go, but even now that it is much more publicly discussed I think it's hard, from inside it, to tell the difference between PND and 'I am a horrible person who has made a huge mistake'. Nature of depression.

I remember half-throwing DC at my husband, one night when I'd had a particularly bad day and was Really. Sick. Of. Breastfeeding.
I just wanted the baby to leave me alone.
Best of luck OP. I think people are really shit at knowing how to help new mothers. Everyone assumes I wanted to be with mine all the time. Actually, I was desperate for someone to take her off me.

It might not go away and it boils my blood when I see people saying "oh you're just tired" if a Mother has come on to a forum and admitted out loud that she doesn't love her baby then she almost certainly has given it a good deal of thought and almost certainly has PND. To this day my relationship with my eldest child is remote and troubled with much recrimination on both sides and it is all caused by untreated depression and attachment failure. Had I been diagnosed at six weeks and not 2.5 years old my life would be amazing and my sons even better, without the personality disorder my depression caused me to 'give him'

OP, you have a dh so don't worry about attachment disorder but do see a GP as I can tell you, it's not nice when you don't feel about your child what you should, especially if number 2 arrives one day and you fall head over heels for it like I did.

There is no harm in someone who is exhausted or who just has the baby blues seeing a Dr but there is every harm in a depressed mother not seeking help.

You definitely need to see your GP ASAP but can I also suggest talking to your dh today? I'm sure he has noticed you are not yourself and telling him how it is will firstly be a huge relief to you and secondly it will allow him to understand and support you.

Scary to get the words out but if you have to just write down what you've written here. You are going to be ok. This will get better.

Please come back and update when you can.

I felt the same as you OP and I saw the GP but they felt it was lack of support network in my case, definitely worth chatting to your GP though :) Right now your world has been turned upside down, you have been through massive hormonal changes and you are sleep deprived so it's not surprising you are struggling.

For me getting out to baby groups made a big difference and just time. DS is now 16mo and those early weeks are a distant memory.

Wow thank you so much for your replies. Means so much to hear I'm not as alone as I thought.

I honestly don't feel like I have PND... but then again I'm not sure anyone 'feels' like they have it until they are treated perhaps. I just never in a million years thought this would be me

I'm going to speak to DH tonight as I really need some support

Bunny, i had (have) PND and it was exactly like this. My DD is now 16 months old and I'm smitten. I've been on antidepressants since she was born and have had counselling and CBT. PLEASE see your GP. It took me about a year to start feeling normal. You will get through this but please don't try to go it alone.

Have a look at PND symptoms here: postnatal depression

It's really very common and it's not your fault. Having a new baby is such an enormous, unstoppable train going through your life isn't it? Physically, emotionally and financially battering. It's totally normal to struggle with all this.