To think not having children because you've never met the right person...

[user1485342611]

is just as sad for someone as not being able to have children due to infertility?

I have a friend in this position. She has always longed for a baby but just never met the right person to marry and start a family with. She's 45 now and recently had to have a hysterectomy.

I was saying to a mutual friend how sad I felt for her because she would have been a great mum. The friend just shrugged her shoulders and said 'well, that's life'.

Fair enough, you might think. But mutual friend has been terribly sympathetic to other friends who have been unable to conceive. So AIBU to think she should be equally sympathetic towards this friend?

And adoption is an option for people who are infertile if they want children. It's hard but it's an option that people can and do choose.

Everyone has choices. It's up to the individual to decide which one to choose.

Not something I want to waste any brain power debating.

Both situations profoundly sad, and I think best to leave it at that.

@Groupie123

Choosing not to continue with fertility treatments for money or health reasons is not a choice. Deciding to stop ttc because you're miscarrying three times a year IS NOT A CHOICE.

Why is not having fertility treatment a 'choice' for single people but 'not a choice' for infertile people?

Bold fail!

It IS a choice. It's a shitty choice that no-one envies you having to make, but of course it's a choice.

But it's also a choice if the infertile choose not to go ahead with treatment?

I hate this top trumps of sadness thing. I'm equally sad for the woman who is infertile as I am for the woman who always wanted a family of her own but never met someone with whom to make this possible.

@MitzyLeFrouf

I completely agree. Sadly the end result is the same regardless of the circumstances. But it seems there are a few people on here that think being infertile is a sadness top trump compared to a single person who find themselves, for whatever reason, unable to have a child. Because apparently it was a 'choice' (which it isn't always a choice and the point that is being missed).

It's not top trumps. It's not something I would have thought about without this thread specifically asking the question, but personally I find it that tiny bit worse if you don't have choices than if you did and your choices led you to a sad place.
That's just me, its a personal thing, I'd never say it to anyone and I'd still have plenty of compassion for both, so why can't I have my own opinion for my own good reasons?
Why is that a problem for anyone?

Why is that a problem for anyone?

I think it's a problem generally because the position of single, childless women in this society isn't always easy or pleasant. In fact, it can be a very vilified position. Women in this situation are "career-hungry bitches" too "selfish" to sacrifice things etc etc etc.

Think of all the imagery & stories in our culture about the "barren" older woman - usually called a "witch" in fairy stories, or the single women apparently on the hunt for "other women's men", or the "selfish" career woman, or the evil stepmother.

You get the picture ...

But you're not explaining why you think it's a choice for a single person ? You seem to have a* sweeping generic, black and white view that if you are single and not had a child that it was always a choice (yes, sometimes it is but not always).*

Bloody bold fail again!

I hate this. It's not easy for a single woman to go through the whole donor process by themselves. Plus there's the expenses and probably fertility treatment is needed as a lot of women at the donor stage could be hitting near 40 or in their 40s. Because of course before that there's still hope of meeting a guy to settle down with and have kids naturally. There are a lot of factors, so don't just say she could have gone for a donor, that annoys the hell out of me.

It's very very expensive to have fertility treatment and doing it by yourself is even harder. I'm 36 In May, desperately want children and hopeful I will meet someone so I can. But my worry is aswell I may leave it too long where I then can't have children. I mean really how long do you wait for until deciding to possibly do it alone. Its a hard decision it really is, and not always an option for people either. Like I say expenses is a huge issue, it's not cheap for fertility treatment.

I'm honestly sick of this reaction. Why do couples who try and are infertile get SO much understanding and sympathy, but a woman who never meets the right person and feels longing and regret for never having a child gets NO sympathy from society? She could get a donor... Do you have any concept of how expensive the cost of living is nowadays? Becoming an intentional single mother is irresponsible for most people unless they are high earners and even then, how will they cope with looking after a baby and returning to work? I wish more people empathised with us single women who always though we would have kids but never met the right person, and that less people would react unsympathetically, like you.

Oh yes, because having a baby alone isn't a huge emotional, physical and financial strain? Get a grip, honestly. It's not doable for most women and I'm sure you couldn't cope with it. Nobody wants to choose to have a baby alone and it's not as easy as just making that decision. Have some empathy, seriously.

It's very hard for a single woman to be approved for adoption in most countries. Financially, and otherwise. Think about what you post.

That's great but not everyone wants to adopt. Some of us are still struggling with the fact we never met a partner we thought would be a good parent and so can't have biological children. Adoption isn't for everyone. This post is about having as much empathy for those who couldn't have their own kids, for whatever reason, as those who have tried and failed at IVF and other treatments.

Are you trolling? Most people don't have a baby with the first person who comes along. Perhaps those who "never met the right person" were actually looking for someone who would be a good parent? It's fine to be bitter that you had to lower your standards so much to get what you wanted, but don't project that onto everyone else.

I was saying to a mutual friend how sad I felt for her because she would have been a great mum. The friend just shrugged her shoulders and said 'well, that's life'.
Fair enough, you might think. But mutual friend has been terribly sympathetic to other friends who have been unable to conceive. So AIBU to think she should be equally sympathetic towards this friend?

Haven't RTFT but the premise of your thread is a bit weird. You don't know that the mutual friend hasn't been sympathetic and supportive to the single, childless friend. She shrugged it off a bit when speaking to you - all that means is she didn't want to talk about the single friend to you. In other words, she didn't want to do that whole awful sympathy-gossip thing behind someone's back.

I was in a similar situation once - someone was obviously angling to have a good gossip about our poor single friend who'd missed the boat on having kids and wasn't it a shame. The friend had a lot going for her career-wise and was beginning to do really well in one of her amateur hobbies too and it just felt a bit off to be talking about her as if she was some unfortunate lost soul - a bit patronising. I felt I had to defend the fact that she still had a rich, fulfilling life.

This zombie thread is EIGHT YEARS OLD. So old I didn’t even recognise my own username.

If you have kids OP why not you know gently, subtly introduce the idea she can be a great bad "friend auntie" influence to your kids?
Or be a great auntie to her sibling's children?
You don't have to be a parent to be a strong, fun, supportive influence in a child's life.

Yes the comment "that's life" could be interpreted as very uncaring but in reality that is the situation with your friend right now, and with many others.

Some people don't long for children but a house by the sea, with a sea view and it can be a longing, but that doesn't happen for everyone, some people want to I don't know see The Great Wall of China or whatever, there are so many things that people set their life goals around and sometimes, a lot of times, that doesn't happen.

I agree that wanting a child, to be a family, to have that unit is the most complicated of the longings, probably the most basic human desire, and also probably the most complicated of desires to yearn for and it never be achieved.

But there is a fine line of acknowledging someone's sense of loss and sadness and it becoming something that defines them, they never move on or heal or accept and it becomes their defining feature, they tear up when others innocently mention their family or having grandchildren or whatever.

So whilst you think the "that's life" is cold it can also be part of the balance that people need to move on.