To think not having children because you've never met the right person...

[user1485342611]

is just as sad for someone as not being able to have children due to infertility?

I have a friend in this position. She has always longed for a baby but just never met the right person to marry and start a family with. She's 45 now and recently had to have a hysterectomy.

I was saying to a mutual friend how sad I felt for her because she would have been a great mum. The friend just shrugged her shoulders and said 'well, that's life'.

Fair enough, you might think. But mutual friend has been terribly sympathetic to other friends who have been unable to conceive. So AIBU to think she should be equally sympathetic towards this friend?

YABU, OP. But I seem to be in the minority here. There is nothing wrong with your friend wanting her 'family life' to include a partner and children.

sorry that should have been NOT being unreasonable, obv (not even on the wine yet, promise!

I would imagine that, essentially, the pain of not having a child will be the same, regardless of cause (being single or suffering infertility).

Theoretically someone in either situation could 'do it alone' but that' not always possible or feasible.

It's not just the physical presence of a child in your life, it's the whole life that you had envisioned that you grieve for.

nutrogena, that's not true. I'm single but there is not one single person I've rejected who I could be happy with.

I'm infertile, and I think what has happened to your friend is devastating.

My sympathies are with anyone who wants to have a child but circumstances prevent it.

For example, I just realise I've said that I'm infertile but actually my DH is. I say "I am" as we are in it together. People could easily say if I wanted a child I could leave him and go it alone, but that's not what I'm going to do. So circumstances prevent me from having a child just as much as it does your friend.

As a childless woman who hasn't met the right person, and is probably now unlikely to conceive if I do, I couldn't agree more with the OP.

I'm a bit disappointed by the lack of compassion in some responses though.

AguacateMaduro

That's because your standards are too high
You are only happy if a partner has qualities A, B, C and D. If you settle for just qualities A & B, you'll find someone. Adjust your happiness levels to something more realstic.

As a childless woman who hasn't met the right person, and is probably now unlikely to conceive if I do, I couldn't agree more with the OP.
I'm a bit disappointed by the lack of compassion in some responses though.

Totally agree. I'm 47 now so it's too late for me. I'm the only child of an only child and it will be down to me when my family line dies out. But I just never met the right man at the right time.

There was a right man but it was the wrong time for him (he was separated and it was too soon for him to get so serious and eventually the angst he felt about walking out on his DCs meant he decided he wasn't ready for a serious relationship with me - or anyone). Broke my heart but I understood. There were a few "maybe right" men when I was younger but deep down I knew it was too soon in my life and we wouldn't last, and I didn't want to bring a child into the world without giving them the best chance of two happily married parents (very traditional I know but that's how I was brought up and what I wanted for any child I had).

And so here I am. Childless, alone, married to my career pretty much. Partly through choice, partly through circumstance. I also have PCOS but never got as far as finding out if infertility would be an issue so maybe children were never on the cards for me. I live a pretty great life and am happy most of the time. I know my life would have been so so different if I'd had children. I wouldn't have been able to do so many things and have the same freedom that I have now. But my childless state has also lost me some good friends (as they gravitated to the world of "mummies"). Very sad but that's life.

Just because it all fell in to place simply for you Neutrogena doesn't mean that other single people need to lower their standards! Shocked to read that on mumsnet. Sounds like something a sexist man would say.

I guess you're forgetting that it's not necessary to couple up to survive. And I guess you're forgetting that freedom is valuable. Why compromise for somebody whose company you don't enjoy.

It's an interesting question though. I think you've reduced it to something that makes it sound very simple but it isn't simple. There is somebody I feel like I have an ''emotional chemistry'' with and yet his teeth are so awful I just don't know if I could kiss him. I care more about him than my last bf though. Who was a clever, nice man but we were too similar and we didn't spark each other at all. Anyway, would it be settling to go for it with the man with bad teeth? How would I kiss him? Would it be lowering my standards if I just tried? Was I lowering my standards with the man who was clever, well-dressed, nice, smelt of lemons and yet bored me by talking a lot and never ever saying anything. I have tried, and tbh, it always feels like trying. I don't think it's as simple as you think it is to just change gear in to a lower standard because the engine says why bother.

HundredMilesAndHour I'm 47 and really tired of the world of mummies. Some of them are amazing people and some are good friends but it's the homogeneity and the two by two (in the ark) of it all that I feel I need to get away from. Now that my children are old enough to leave them on their own ( just some might judge ) I look forward to making friends with a more diverse bunch of people. Women who could have been great friends, motherhood or childnessness can make their paths diverge but I really hope that there's a ''reconvergence'' for women of our age. I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound too Oprah. I am an ENFJ!

Wow birds I think you (and others) are being really harsh.

Having disability myself, I understand what you mean by having choice taken from you and how that feels, but equally if the OP's friend does not have the right circumstances to comfortably and happily and responsbily be a single mother to a child, then there is not a lot of difference.

She would have had a child if she could, just like you or I would do things if we could.

Personally. we have 'made the choice' not to have children whilst being unwell and having far too many ups and downs - but it wasn't really a choice - it was the only responsible course of action for the good of the child.

But of course in that situation you have that tiny part that says well you brought this on yourself, you 'chose it' - mainly because others like you and other posters, will say oh, well it was a choice after all. Well, was it? Theoretically, maybe but practically? No, no choice at all. The illness took that choice away too.

There are differences, but I really don't think that hurts any less.

Why is it so hard for people to have empathy for others in all sorts of similar circumstances.

AguacateMaduro I hope so too!!! A few old my former/old friends seem to be just starting to reappear now their DC are a little older. I've had lunch with one friend TWICE in the past two months but prior to that I didn't even see her once a year. She was full-on ferrying her DC to and from school/ballet/rugby etc plus socialising with all the other mummies/DH's circle of friends.

I fully take responsibility for probably being the worst kind of friend for someone who has DC to look after as I work very long hours, and my work can be unpredictable (plans cancelled at the last minute due to emergency business trips/meetings etc, including at weekends or weekday evenings). My social life is usually quite spontaneous so that's not a good combination with the required planning for "mummies".

I'm an ENTJ so we almost match ;-)

and to Kelby and others all bearing the pain of not having the children you wanted, regardless of how or why.

I'm going through a more selfish phase. I can feel it, not sure if it's hormonal (in cave times I'd be a grandmother I suppose) but I announced to my Mother, manifesto style, that I had made enough sacrifices for single parenting, and I'd be putting myself first for the next decade. I've been a single parent for a decade, a parent for 15 years and I've never really fitted in with the mummies as a single person as you're neither completely one thing nor the other, although, I have made friends. I've just felt on the periphery I suppose. I like how at work there is a mix of lives.

ENTJs are always great at career! I am still trying to get one :-p And still trying to get a boyfriend! Before I'm fifty [0_o]

I'm also trying to get better at "constructing" my life. There's a craft school I want to go to for a week the next time I have a week free (my kids' dad not champing at the bit to take them though) and I want to learn how to do silver smithing and clay sculptures. I read something about finding your tribe and it interested me. To go off on your own and do something that sets you alight, YOU, not your girlfriends are your mc-boyfriend, you. And hopefully there you will meet your tribe. I think that's especially important when you're looking at a future as a single woman. God help us, sad souls! I am joking!

Off topic, but you write really well, Agua. I like your description of the unkissable man with bad teeth and the lemon-scented dullard.

I'm heartbroken at how my life has panned out. I always wanted to be a mum, really really badly. Having ASD and anxiety/depression and having never had a relationship at the age of 27, make all of that very unlikely.

I have cried and cried over it, but it won't change a thing. I'm so sad at all the hopes I've had that have been dashed. My heart aches for a family and I do get terribly bitter and angry at the cards i've been dealt. I've had a pretty shit life, and I feel even more of an outsider because I'll always be the childless spinster who died a virgin.

I actually sometimes can't believe that this is my life. I feel like I must have done something terrible in a past life.

User, 27 is so young. I can see you feel hugely defeated and angry, but there must be things you haven't yet tried to enable you to evolve a more satisfying life, despite the depression/anxiety. I had my son at 40. You have a lot of time still to potentially have a child.

I'm single, 34 and never met mr right, in Jan I began my journey to adopt, as a single adopter, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life, it's tough, it's going to get tougher buti've made that decision that I can't wait any longer to be a mum.

This is just my humble opinion & everyone can disagree with it.

I knew a woman who married a guy who was ADAMANT he never wanted children. It was a condition of marriage: no Kids. She settled for his wishes. They were together 20 yrs until... he went off with his post-grad student. Who was pg. They had 2 or 3 children.

But first wife didn't have the option to have children any more (due to her age). To me, that is sadder than only infertility or not meeting "the right person." But not as sad as lots of other things, too. The stuff that is truly most sad I am not tough enough to talk or think about.

User, I was you at 27. I am still you at 42. I felt someone had somehow cursed me from a young age. Still no relationships to speak of really. Last man I fell badly for in 2007 and it just about finished me off when he didn't return my feelings and got together with a colleague. Just typical, I thought. I'm kind of dead inside since (romantically). However the light of my life is my 5yo and I did go it alone, because fuck life and fuck destiny. I stuck two fingers up at what I thought was planned out for me. I love my child as much as I imagined I would and I KNOW this was right for me, it has eased my lifelong depression . Things might change for you and there are options. I understand not everyone is the same. But I do know how you feel. X

Just because it all fell in to place simply for you Neutrogena doesn't mean that other single people need to lower their standards!

Agua - no-one has to lower their standards, but the higher the standards, the smaller the universe, and lower your chances.

We all get together with people are 'good enough' - no-one is perfect. The fact is that some people's 'good enough' is unachievable.
It's a choice everyone makes - do I compromise or hold out for the perfect partner? I don't deny luck has something to do with it, but if you're unlucky repeatedly start lowering the standards.

'Why should I have settle for second best' has left a lot of good woman and men on the shelf. Maybe it's a generational thing....

brexitsucks

That gives me the rage.

Thing is, lower your standards and you end up on the Relationship board a lot faster than you think.

It's all very well saying 'go it alone' but a lot of women can't - you need a supportive family, which is not matter of choice. Good health, ditto. Had I wanted a child in my 30s, having one would have been bloody irresponsible.

My sister is in this situation, 44 and has never met the right man. Wouldn't have a child on her own as she believes you should bring a child into the world with at least a fighting chance of having both a mum and a dad. She has lots of friends and a really active, interesting life, but has this terrible underlying sadness that she doesn't have and in all likelihood will never have a child. It breaks my heart as I know how much it affects her.is it the same as infertility ? I don't know. Both probably equally heartbreaking situations for all concerned. I am so very lucky to have my girls.