To think not having children because you've never met the right person...

[user1485342611]

is just as sad for someone as not being able to have children due to infertility?

I have a friend in this position. She has always longed for a baby but just never met the right person to marry and start a family with. She's 45 now and recently had to have a hysterectomy.

I was saying to a mutual friend how sad I felt for her because she would have been a great mum. The friend just shrugged her shoulders and said 'well, that's life'.

Fair enough, you might think. But mutual friend has been terribly sympathetic to other friends who have been unable to conceive. So AIBU to think she should be equally sympathetic towards this friend?

Wanting a child as part of a relationship (and not having one without) IS a choice. Whether conscious or not.

Staying with an infertile partner again a choice.

Being infertile is not a choice. Choosing not to continue with fertility treatments for money or health reasons is not a choice. Deciding to stop ttc because you're miscarrying three times a year IS NOT A CHOICE.

They may be 'choices' but not the kind of choices that makes the lack of a child any sadder or easier to bear.

It's not the same as prioritising a career or money or your figure over having a baby.

You sound very black and white and lacking in empathy.

It's sad for different reasons. But it's not the same as infertility.

No and infertility is not the same as being unhappily single and child less. Both huge sadnesses in people's lives, and both equally deserving of sympathy and empathy.

Lots of mothers are unhappily single the two aren't related.

The point is full on infertility can't be cured and your friend did have a choice.

Yes, a very difficult choice that has left her without a child she longed for.

'Having a choice' isn't the key issue here. Sometimes choices can be very sad and difficult ones, and whatever you choose you will end up unhappy.

Yes, a very difficult choice that has left her without a child she longed for.

'Having a choice' isn't the key issue here. Sometimes choices can be very sad and difficult ones, and whatever you choose you will end up unhappy.

People suffering from infertility often get annoyed/upset if people suggest they could just adopt. After all, they made a choice not to become parents by not adopting in the same way a single person made a choice not to become a parent by choosing not to use a sperm donor.

Would those of you feeling sympathy for those who suffer infertility rank your sympathy based on what efforts they are willing to go to in order to become parents? Those who try IVF but don't succeed get more sympathy than those who don't try? Those who move on to donor sperm or egg get more sympathy again while those who then move on to adoption but don't succeed get most sympathy?

Or would you feel that anyone suffering from infertility deserves sympathy and compassion?

Can you not just accept that some people would love to become a parent but, for whatever reason, have not been able to, and so, is deserving of sympathy and understanding?

I think its both sad, and also part of life. Loads of people never find a fulfilling relationship, loads of people never manage to have a child, and loads of people have all those things, yet other great difficulties in their life.

Being infertile isn't a choice.

Being fertile and choosing not to have kids because of circumstance is.

So no, I don't think it's the same and frankly quite insulting to suggest it is.

SwedishToast - people suffering full on fertility can still become parents if they want to. They can adopt. They have a choice.

Just to clarify, I know adoption isn't for everyone and that it is a long, hard road. Equally sperm donor and going it alone isn't for everyone. However, they are both choices available to people who wish to become parents.

RhubarbGin - being infertile isn't a choice. Choosing not to become a parent by adoption is a choice that many infertile people make.

Suggesting that comparing their choice to the choice made by a fertile, single person not to become a parent is insulting, is equally insulting. Both made choices based on their personal circumstances and belief system. Both are deserving of respect.

Not everyone can adopt though theynademe and it's a very difficult road to go down. I honestly believe someone who wouldn't be prepared to at least try sperm donor wasn't as desperate as some poor woman injecting herself with drugs to get pregnant or a person doing everything they can to adopt.

People who choose not to adopt do so because they don't think they'd have the same feelings for an adopted child and child thats a valid reason for the child not to do so.

Yanbu

I hate this top trumps of sadness thing. I'm equally sad for the woman who is infertile as I am for the woman who always wanted a family of her own but never met someone with whom to make this possible.

I agree OP - both situations are deserving of sympathy and empathy. I know several single women who would love to have had children but never met Mr Right. I was one myself until I met Mr Right in my early 40s.
I also know couples who have had struggles with fertility, and not had children.
Maybe part of the difference is that couples (may) make their wishes known, but single women who would like children generally keep their thoughts more private, so people assume they're OK as they are. I know people were surprised when I had DS (through donor egg IVF) - they had assumed I didn't want children.

And someone who chooses not to go it alone may feel that unless they can at least offer a chance of two parents in the child's life, that it is unfair on the child, so a valid reason for that child. They may also have religious beliefs that prevent them from using a sperm donor.

I just find your hierarchy of those deserving of sympathy for not having children to be very harsh and lacking in empathy.

Both are sad situations in their own right, but comparing the two is like comparing apples with oranges, not apples with apples. I think both are deserving of sympathy but rather for different reasons rather than volume of sympathy.

OP isn't saying the situations are the same. She is unimpressed that people don't seem to sympathise with women who have been unable to have DC for reasons other than infertility.

Mitzty - your term of "top trumps sadness" describes exactly what has been bothering me. Thank you for putting it so succinctly.

I know loopytiles. I was responding to the posters who say infertility is worse and in fact agreeing with the OP by saying both deserve sympathy based on personal situation rather than there being a hierarchy of sympathy with infertility deserving of the most volume.

Star - I don't think anyone is saying the situations are the same, anymore than the situation between two different couples dealing with infertility is the same. One couple may be successful with sperm donation while another may never be able to have a successful pregnancy.

Apples and oranges again but both deserving of sympathy.

Sorry - cross posts Star.

Some charming responses here. I see childless by choice and infertility as very related. FFS, anyone who hasn't had the opportunity doesn't even know if they are fertile anyway, and if they DO have the support and means to 'go it alone' as some of you seem to blithely think is an easy option, they are essentially going down the fertility treatment route. Sure, they might have a statistically increased chance of success but it's not a guarantee.

I am both, fwiw. Unexplained infertility after three and a bit years of trying with my husband, who then ditched me so I am now in the childless by circumstance camp in my mid thirties. Neither is much fun.

OP you sound like a lovely friend, she's lucky to have you.

Edit: I obviously meant childless by circumstance in the first sentence of my prior post!