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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think not having children because you've never met the right person...

171 replies

user1485342611 · 16/06/2017 14:12

is just as sad for someone as not being able to have children due to infertility?

I have a friend in this position. She has always longed for a baby but just never met the right person to marry and start a family with. She's 45 now and recently had to have a hysterectomy.

I was saying to a mutual friend how sad I felt for her because she would have been a great mum. The friend just shrugged her shoulders and said 'well, that's life'.

Fair enough, you might think. But mutual friend has been terribly sympathetic to other friends who have been unable to conceive. So AIBU to think she should be equally sympathetic towards this friend?

OP posts:
YouWouldntLetItLie · 16/06/2017 14:58

There are different shades of pain - the pain of a couple trying to have a child and failing, versus the pain of never being able to try at all and always wondering 'what if I had met someone?' All are worthy of sympathy. A little kindness when it comes to family situations goes a long way, especially when many people have a hidden raw spot, whether it's no mum on Mother's Day or a miscarriage or something else.

And 'getting a donor' really isn't the neat solution to everything. It's turning into the new 'why don't you just adopt?'

Flippetydip · 16/06/2017 14:59

Yes horribly sad. I have a friend in exactly the same situation and it's heart breaking. She has had years of counselling and still never got over the fact that she's not going to have children. I'm so sad for her.

JacquesHammer · 16/06/2017 15:00

I think this is a really tasteless thread.

Of course it is a sad situation but why the need for comparison? Why not just be a friend and support HER situation instead of trying to compare it to other situations?

JacquesHammer · 16/06/2017 15:03

Actually though - maybe she's at peace with not seeking medical help to conceive because of her beliefs because that was HER choice.

I had absolutely no choice in losing a baby or the resulting damage that meant I was never to get pregnant again.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 16/06/2017 15:05

Because, Jacqueshammer, it has made me think of how society doesn't always acknowledge or understand the pain many single childless (not by choice) women are going through.

It is not about comparison, and if you think the thread is tasteless please report it.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 16/06/2017 15:06

Not having a child when it's something you have desperately wanted is the most heartbreaking thing there is. I don't care if you are married or single. Or whether it's because of medical reasons or because you haven't met the right person. The longing for a child is soul-deep.

I would never say 'Well, that's life' to (or about) anyone who has not been able to have children for any reason.

MatildaTheCat · 16/06/2017 15:07

They are very different situations and not really comparable.

My friend would have adored to marry and have DC but just didn't meet The One. She met her dp when she was in her late forties and he already had teenage DC so wouldn't have been interested. One of those DC has recently had a baby so her dp is a grandfather and she is....well, I don't know. Probably just partner of gf as the DC didn't really want to get to know her. She would make a lovely step granny so I'm keeping my fingers crossed but can see she might well have more heartache coming her way.

So yes, it's so sad and certainly not everyone has the resources to go it alone.

OliveSoap · 16/06/2017 15:11

One of those DC has recently had a baby so her dp is a grandfather and she is....well, I don't know. Probably just partner of gf as the DC didn't really want to get to know her. She would make a lovely step granny so I'm keeping my fingers crossed but can see she might well have more heartache coming her way.

In fairness, though, Matilda, I can imagine it might be challenging for a new parent to deal with the fact that a 40-something 'step-granny' might be trying to live out a motherhood she didn't get to experience herself through her partner's grandchild. I mean, it's very sad for her, but it might also be a difficult situation all round.

confusedat23 · 16/06/2017 15:22

Realisically (and please don't roast me) surely both women could be mothers by adopting? There are plenty of children out there who need mothers!

Flippetydip · 16/06/2017 15:26

confused - not that straight forward - my friend did try to go down the adoption route and was thwarted at every turn.

takeaweeseat · 16/06/2017 15:26

Is it some sort of competition?

This is what totally pisses me off about Mumsnet. First comment on the thread and it's just so so so rude. Why would you even take the time to type that out?

confusedat23 · 16/06/2017 15:27

Flippety sorry didn't mean to sound like it was easy! I have a lady I work with who has just spent 5 years trying to adopt so yes its a hard slog but can be done =)

AguacateMaduro · 16/06/2017 15:29

Well I agree with you. I think it's sad, because they're single (as am I, but with children) and they would never have known if it would have happened. Also, women in that situation can't really talk about it). I've a friend who turned forty six and she only recently acknowledged that she would have liked to have had children.

AguacateMaduro · 16/06/2017 15:32

PS, I think ''going it alone'' takes a strong woman because she must know that there's gonna be a bit of chit chat and sensible women won't care but at the same time, I picture my mum's crew of friends and I know I would have found their silent opinions hard on the nerves.

Women in couples have the option to ''go it alone'' sperm wise egg donation wise, and it's not as obvious. People also wish them success, they don't tut.

ps, I do knwo that the tutters are a small minority

MatildaTheCat · 16/06/2017 15:34

Olive, that's true on paper but in reality she would never do that. She's mid fifties now and has had a heap of nephews and nieces she's been very close to so would be very sensitive to boundaries. The sad reality is that as teens the DC didn't want their parents to divorce and on that basis didn't want to get to know my friend. So I fear she will be not allocated any sort of relationship with the new baby but I'm hoping I am wrong.

Actually I know a few people in this situation, so like infertility, being childless when you want DC is the gift that keeps on giving.

LeviOsaNotLeviosAR · 16/06/2017 15:40

I think her situation is perhaps slightly more difficult.
I have been TTC for 5 years with my DP. We are no further forward in our journey and it's an awful and shit situation to be in. But no matter what happens, I know I have him and he is a massive source of comfort and brings joy to my life. I think if for some reason I was alone and wasn't able to or missed my chance to have a child I might find it even harder not having the support or comfort of a life long companion. I think I would feel a bigger gap in my life than I already do.
Having said all that, like others have said it's not a competition and I think the sense of loss of what could have been would be pretty equal on both counts.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 16/06/2017 15:50

I agree. Obviously, most people in that situation just prefer to put on a brave face and get on with it.

It doesn't mean they're not quietly heartbroken though. That is one of the reasons that I really hate, when a poster comments on a thread about an issue to do with children behaving badly, another poster coming on and sneering "do you actually have children?" or implying that it is only people without children who would possibly complain about kids making noise on the street or whatever.

It's just cruel and nasty and deliberately exclusive.

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 16/06/2017 15:54

Realisically (and please don't roast me) surely both women could be mothers by adopting?

Unrealistically, rather.

Adopting is very hard, even for couples, I can imagine it is even harder for singles.

And indeed, sperm donation is not the solution for a woman who wants to have a baby with the right man.

The sperm donor is just some anonymous guy you know nothing at all about. Certainly not a Mr. Right. The only advantage, if you want to call it one, is that he might not pursue any rights to see the child. (Though that is also uncertain, laws change, and as far as I am informed the clinics are required to keep records)

And that's not even going into the fact that raising a child is fucking expensive, and few women are so rich or so optimistic that they'd intentionally set themselves up for the life of a single mother.

beekeeper17 · 16/06/2017 16:09

It's just as heartbreaking as a couple who are unable to have children. I have a friend who was with her boyfriend for quite a few years and she saw them getting married and having kids. Unfortunately he broke it off recently, and she is heartbroken, not only for the loss of the relationship as she thought they'd grow old together, but also for the loss of what could have been in terms of marriage and kids. It's not impossible that it will still happen for her, but unlikely given her age.

I really feel for her as she would make a brilliant mum and they had a great relationship, he just seemed to get a bit scared by the prospect of settling down and having kids.

JacquesHammer · 16/06/2017 16:17

surely both women could be mothers by adopting? There are plenty of children out there who need mothers

I am now single. For various reasons I wouldn't meet the criteria for adoption any longer.

If I could use a sperm donor I would leap at the chance. Quite probably would leap at him Grin but I just don't have that option. I might as well flush all the thousands it takes down the loo

Toddlerteaplease · 16/06/2017 16:20

Op, I totally get where you are coming from. I found it difficult when a 'friend' of mine went on and on about how much she wanted a child. Not realising that I desperately want one just as much. I know it's not the same as the pain of infertility. But it hurts none the less.

Toddlerteaplease · 16/06/2017 16:23

I've got MS so I don't feel I could bring a child into this world as a single parent with no support from a partner. I would t want to risk them becoming my carer.

qumquat · 16/06/2017 16:35

I agree with you OP. I have two friends in this situation and it's heartbreaking. Going it alone by donor sperm is expensive and neither can afford to do this. So unlike some PPS I don't see that they have choices.

Neutrogena · 16/06/2017 16:36

Not meeting the right person means having too high standards. If you want a shag/partner/car, you keep lowering your standards until you get what you want.

Birdsgottaf1y · 16/06/2017 16:39

I became disabled two years ago.

Someone who would want to go hill climbing (which i loved) but chooses to come up with a myriad of reasons why they can't, isn't in the same position as i am.

I know that having a child is a completely different scenario, i suffered secondary infertility, which isn't viewed the same as being infertile (i did have more), so i'm not making light of the issue.

But your friend still chose to not have a child, whereas a medically infertile woman has the choice taken from her. So there are different elements to her 'grieving'.

I agree that it isn't a competition, but i would feel similar to your mutual friend.

If my DH didn't want anymore children after my first, i would have ended my marriage and gone it alone, if needs be.

I would see your friend's lamenting the same as someone who wanted to do a certain degree or live somewhere (attainable), but it wasn't the most important thing for them, so didn't pursue all their options.