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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have a secret stash of money from DH?

96 replies

AnAngelWithin · 20/03/2007 12:43

Since DH has got his new job and we have got money sorted, I have been trying to put a bit away each week. I am not planning on using the money for anything in particular, especially nothing for myself but DH is dreadful with money and if he knows we have any spare he goes and blows it on stuff for him and his bike/car/bloke stuff etc. I was thinking of saving the money hopefully for our first family holiday together? I told my friend about this and she thinks I am being deceitful hiding HIS money. If I went and booked a holiday I am just hoping that DH wouldn't see it as that I have been lying to him.

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 21/03/2007 19:57

As long as everyone who is happy for mothers to have secret stashes of money is happy for fathers to do so too.

NoodleStroodle · 21/03/2007 20:11

I have a secret stash fund which I do use for shoes and lippy - sorry grouchyos! I am SAHM and as DH gets plenty of perks in his job and I need them in mine. He doesn't notice the odd extra cash withdrawal but does read the cc bill like a bestselling novel. I also like having a stash to pay for a wild weekend with my secret lover...if I had one (and why would I be paying?!!)

LadyOfTheFlowers · 21/03/2007 20:12

i dont have one, but my mum has always said i should have one.

q7 · 21/03/2007 20:16

People have always said this is a good idea - although I don't have such a fund myself. Think it's a good idea - even if it's something you end up spending together in your retirement!

ebenezer · 21/03/2007 22:11

Why not get a job and save some of your own money?

q7 · 21/03/2007 22:19

We weren't talking about where the money comes from, but about keeping it a secret. Getting a job isn't really secret.

ebenezer · 21/03/2007 22:23

absolutely not unless you're working extremely odd hours!! But it's easier to save a secret stash from your own earnings, and personally I'd feel much more comfortable doing this.

casbie · 22/03/2007 08:54

I wholdheartedly support OP in saving a secret stash.

My hubby is terrible with money and even though he gets Tax Credits and Child Benifit (he's a house-husband), to pay for food and weeklies, he still expects me to bail him out at the end of the month.

If I didn't 'hide' money from him he would spend that too.

We don't have a joint account for this very reason. At least the bills get paid and some savings are made this way.

I've had to pawn jewelery before, because he has forgotten to pay a certain bill and I'm not going to let that happen again.

SSShakeTheChi · 22/03/2007 08:56

I think it's a wise thing to do

Original poster

AnAngelWithin · 22/03/2007 09:22

we would be financially worse off if i worked unless i had a really highly paid job, as we have 4 children so childcare would be a huge issue. and anyway, i am taking the money i am saving out of the tax credit in MY name ebenezer.

OP posts:

charlottegeorgiaolivermums · 22/03/2007 09:48

My DH hides money in is wallet from me. If I'm out and him if he's got any he says no go to the atm and get more. Towards the end of the month when the bank accounts are empty and we run out of milk I say we have no money and surprise surprise if like magic out comes 2 unused £20.00 notes. 1 for him one for me and that happens most months. If he didn't hide it it would get spent and when we run out of milk the kids would have to go without so I like it. This month I'm opening a saving account as have realized that we fritter some £600 a month and have sod all to show for it. I'm planning on putting in a savings account that I can pull it back from if needed etc. Hope to save enough to take dh, my 3 stepchildren (plus 2 girlfriends and poss a boyfriend)and my dc3 on holiday in 2009 for 3 weeks. My dh wouldn't be mad he'd think I used my God given intelligence to ensure we have a holiday he'll thank me when the holiday comes round.
I think yours will too. If your not saving it as a f**k off fund, to spend just on yourself then no harms done. I think money can cause major relationship issued did in our past when we had none but saving I personally thinks fine if your boring money and running up big debts without telling dh then this is as bad as an affair in the trust scale.
Keep going ignore your friend and if your really worried may be get dh to plan as holiday with you and tell him you need to save. Don't tell him your doing it yourself as he'll never get round to it I bet but will know that you intended to when the monies in and the time comes to book the holiday.

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 22/03/2007 10:02

To answer the OP, your friend is being unreasonable to suggest that saving money is deceitful. How on earth could it be? Agree with the last poster that it is very responsible and you never know what good will come of it - certainly no bad, anyway. It is in all your interests that you have a stash of savings, it really does make life easier, gives you peace of mind and allows for treats when you think the pot is empty. Good on you, keep it up!

Hassled · 22/03/2007 10:06

You're being very sensible and responsible - I've done the same with my ex-DH.

moyasmum · 22/03/2007 10:14

You are saving money from the housekeeping, what you 're doing is resonable.
My mother always told me to get a private fund set up ,just in case,so i could always finance my own decisions and didnt feel cap in hand .
Also, if it wasn't for me saving we'de have no savings. I dont work, but we consider dh income, family not just his, so we can both use it as we think fit ,and I think saving in my name for things I approve of is part of household management.

ebenezer · 22/03/2007 22:13

mAybe I'm missing something here! Isn't an upfront dialogue about money with one's partner better than secretly stashing money away? If one partner is not earning,then presumably that's a joint decision, and the money earned by the other partner should be considered joint income. Therefore you're not taking something that belongs to your partner! If he's the only one working and considers the money to be all his - then I'd get myself a job and some financial independence pretty damn quick!! Take the pointabout childcare - it's a pain when your paying as much or more for it than you're earning - but this phase doesn't last long and they'll be in school for most of the day. presumably if you have four, at least one can't be far off school age?

LowFatMilkshake · 22/03/2007 22:18

x-posts

but wanted to say - your friend has no right to comment on your financial situation really.

But if what she has said has struck a chord with you, why not come half way. Tell DH you do save a little but are not revealing how much and where because you want to use it for nice family things or emergencies.

talcyone · 22/03/2007 22:20

I have my own fund
DH knows about it
Gives me a sense of security
I am saving for a rainy day

He doesn't know how much is in there though

Thingiebob · 26/03/2009 01:34

Sensible if you ask me
You are not being 'underhand' nor are you being 'deceitful'
You are managing the finances in the best way you can.

StercusAccidit · 26/03/2009 01:41

Put money in an icebox account

Or in bonds for kids where it takes you a month to get to it..so no pinching out of it lol

I would have a secret bank account..IMO DP is fucking terrible with money..it all goes on his car..but when we are both skint we do help each other out, but thats not the point..i buy the kids stuff and pay the bills..he goes mad with his and gets naff all for any of the kids.

However guilt trip he is on is leading him up to town this weekend to buy new coats for DSC's..he just doesn't know it yet

No..YANBU IMO

ChippingIn · 26/03/2009 01:56

YAB Reasonable/normal/sensible - sometimes one person in a relationship is better with money and has the responsibility of making the money work for the whole family - which is this case is you. You aren't telling him because you know it would be spent on things you can all do without. It's good to have a rainy day account and it will be easier to do without the presure of him constantly 'needing' it... squirrel as much as you can.

Yes, in Utopia we'd all have a nice talk about it and it would be tickity-boo, however, best we deal with the real world while we're stuck in it

Phoenix4725 · 26/03/2009 06:43

i had a secret fund as back up for emergencys after my first dp left me with noting and 2kids to look after,continued to do when i got married and oh boy was I glad cux after allthe promises my now x did the same but leaving me with 4 kids .If in future I ever met anyone else I would do the same

And as your trying save for something special for all of you I would say do it

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