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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have a secret stash of money from DH?

96 replies

AnAngelWithin · 20/03/2007 12:43

Since DH has got his new job and we have got money sorted, I have been trying to put a bit away each week. I am not planning on using the money for anything in particular, especially nothing for myself but DH is dreadful with money and if he knows we have any spare he goes and blows it on stuff for him and his bike/car/bloke stuff etc. I was thinking of saving the money hopefully for our first family holiday together? I told my friend about this and she thinks I am being deceitful hiding HIS money. If I went and booked a holiday I am just hoping that DH wouldn't see it as that I have been lying to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnAngelWithin · 20/03/2007 14:47

so why the emphasis on it being money that HE had earnt ??

OP posts:
UnquietDad · 20/03/2007 14:49

Because the impression given was that you were squirreling it away somewhere he can't know about it. Don't get me wrong, it's not the saving I'd find a bit odd, just the secrecy.

Catbabymummy · 20/03/2007 14:54

It's a tricky one! I can see where you are coming from, it is hard to get someone out of the habit of impulse buying, and I can see where having this stash would be useful, for example, do you have money set aside for an emergency, say the boiler broke down? Or would you have to dip into the secret stash? I think that it would be hard to hide this forever, as soon as the need to spend it arises, he'll want to know where the money has come from. I think he may be hurt by your seeming lack of trust in him, no matter how good your intentions.
Maybe you do need to sit down and talk to him about his spending habits, maybe persuade him to set up a direct debit into a high interest account with a notice period? You could have it in joint names, so it would need both your signatures to withdraw any money, and with most of these you would need to give notice of withdrawal as well.

Judy1234 · 20/03/2007 14:58

If it gets massive you might have to declare the interest on your tax return. Also on divorce the question of finding out what money your other half has can be pretty hard for some couples particularly if they've left money issues up to the other one. Always best to try to know everything.

kimi · 20/03/2007 15:10

Can I just point out that a few days ago some of you were encouraging another mumsnetter to stash away some money as an escape fund, please tell me what is different now?

Judy1234 · 20/03/2007 15:13

In a loving marriage you have openness. If you have a husband who isn't good with money and we're probably talking about pretty tiny sums here, just enough to pay for one holiday it's probahly neither here nor there whether she hides it away and he'd probably be grateful. It's the men who show off to me post or during a divorce that they're £200k in Jersey their ex or about to be ex wife doesn't know about that are the people to avoid. It might seem financially wise but it's not what makes good relationships.

grouchyoscar · 20/03/2007 15:13

UQD, when I did it I wanted it to be somwhere he wasn't aware of so it never became an issue, not so I could tap into it.

Please I did cos with that ISA and the cash I stashed rather than paying bed and board in my pre DS days we have a safety net should any domestic disaster happen. I've been able to buy a new top of the range vac, pay for the roof fixing, cover the cost of repairing a HUGE leak into the cellar, replace the fridge freezer with a food centre, pay off the £2K OD and pay for the bannister/ballustrade repairing.

Never spent any on me directly TBH

MamaMaiasaura · 20/03/2007 15:15

I have a stash too x

Hillary · 20/03/2007 15:17

Always good to have a secret stash especially if your DH is bad with it. One day it will come in very useful & he will be very greatful

MamaMaiasaura · 20/03/2007 15:18

I have a stash too x Dp knows I that I am saving but the money I am saving/stashing mainly is for ds. Ds's dad gives me maintenance and the majority of it I stash so that ds will have a nest egg.

I also save a bit of my own as I want to have that so i can buy birthday pres etc for dp without him knowing. It also makes me feel less dependent on dp for financial support, therefore re-inforcing the fact I am with him cos I love him, not cos I have to stay iykwim

abismom · 20/03/2007 15:20

Not unreasonable at all. I am responsible for all money matters in our house, I hold all the bank cards etc as dh is a bit of a spend thrift. I give him cash each week which includes a resonable amount he can splurge/save as he will, and put a bit each week in a savings account for holidays, emergencies etc

Judy1234 · 20/03/2007 15:29

Make sure the secret stashes don't caued tax problems if he does your tax return and says your income is X when in fact it's Y or he gets a new ISA in your name when you already have one etc.

Kif · 20/03/2007 15:31

I'd love dh to have a secret stash! Would be nice surprise, if we hadn't 'gone without' in the meanwhile.

I'm meant to put away some housekeeping each week for big ticket expenses - but I always blow it on days out... now my washing machine's bust - ho hum.

staceym11 · 20/03/2007 15:33

i have a small stashthat dh doesnt know about, its no problem as its for all of us, im not stashing 'our' money for me, its for all of us if we need it!

i wouldnt object to him having a stash if it was a fall back fund for all of us etc.

i do object to secret debt, which he has done before, and that does affect all of us and he will never do it again!

pansypants · 20/03/2007 15:36

no its good to have some independence, i would continue, especailly if you dont work
(not assuming it just lets you buy things you need without the guilt)i have had a secret stash for years, which has now been put a stop too since jnr, i had to declare everything as im the main earner now, damn!!!

MrsBadger · 20/03/2007 15:42

I have a private (not secret) stash, admittedly from my own salary though.

Tend to use it on/towards family things (new kitchen, holidays, second car when we suddenly needed two etc) and it always impresses DH.

juicychops · 20/03/2007 15:43

not unreasonable imo

i will always have my own money and savings from dp and im sure he will always have his own too. I have a child and he has 3.

after being in an awful relationship with ex and being left with absolutely nothing, im not willing to take that chance again.

i dont see it as being secretive or sneaky, i see it as responsible and looking after my ds's future.

i would use it if i needed to for me and dp, and in 30-40 years and me and dp are still togeether (which hopefully we will) we'll have a nice little bundle between us to retire on

thats how i see it anyway. I think me and dp will always have our own stuff. we have both learnt by mistakes we have made from past relationships

Original poster
AnAngelWithin · 20/03/2007 15:47

im not going to 'hide it forever' nor am i planning on saving up as much as possible to do a runner. I just wanted a nice amount of money for our first family holiday together. sorry if i have upset some people by appearing to be underhand/deceitful etc. I just thought that after the bankruptcy, i really wanted to have a good shot at a normal life and saving for things we wanted and be able to pay for things that need replacing (washing machine etc) as we go along rather than having to repay loans and credit cards.

OP posts:
grouchyoscar · 20/03/2007 15:58

Anangel...I totally understand your reasoning.

After DH ran up a £15k OD plus CC bills and mortgage arrears and we got out of that relativly unscathed (2CJJs both spent) I now work on the basis that 'If we can't afford it we don't need it'

DH has his own CC, I don't ever use it. I know it's over £5K but I have to think 'I am not responsible for any spending on that, it's his problem' mercenary but , ho hum

RubyRioja · 20/03/2007 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grouchyoscar · 20/03/2007 16:14

Hey Ruby! Nice to see you...You OK

RubyRioja · 20/03/2007 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

wheresthevalium · 20/03/2007 16:31

Angel, I thinl it is totally reasonable IMHO. I could be slightly biased given my previous experience though.

My exH went bankrupt and lost us our house (which I had paid a HUGE deposit on from the sale of MY flat). If I had managed to keep my stash secret, he might not have spent it, and we may have been able to appease the creditors he had and kept our home.

I appreciate that this is an extreme example, but if DP/H is really bad with money, I would look on it as a necessary evil to have a secret stash.

helenhismadwife · 20/03/2007 18:54

looking at this from the other side I would think it was lovely if my dh said he had been saving some money to take us all away on holiday, I wouldnt be thinking it was underhand or sneaky.

We have a few joint accounts, personal accounts and a business account. I have quite a bit in the personal account dh knows I have it but doesnt know whats in it.

winnie · 21/03/2007 13:55

Having skim read the rest of this thread (& I know it's not what AnAngelWithin is doing but I'd like to make a comment about 'escape funds'.

Most people think they are in loving, open relationships and it is not until they are dumped on that they find out they are not. Having an 'escape fund' openly or otherwise is a very good idea (especially if you are a dependent SAHM) because the end of a relationship is hard enough, being without any money at the end of a relationship makes it harder still.