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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have a secret stash of money from DH?

96 replies

AnAngelWithin · 20/03/2007 12:43

Since DH has got his new job and we have got money sorted, I have been trying to put a bit away each week. I am not planning on using the money for anything in particular, especially nothing for myself but DH is dreadful with money and if he knows we have any spare he goes and blows it on stuff for him and his bike/car/bloke stuff etc. I was thinking of saving the money hopefully for our first family holiday together? I told my friend about this and she thinks I am being deceitful hiding HIS money. If I went and booked a holiday I am just hoping that DH wouldn't see it as that I have been lying to him.

OP posts:
winnie · 20/03/2007 13:45

I don't see anything wrong in this.
You have a certain amount of money that he is aware you have to spend and you have chosen not to spend it all but save some. Good for you.

In fact, slightly off the point, I beleive everyone should have a running away fund. It is amazingly comforting to know you have it. It also means if things get too tough you can make the choice to get out.

Mumpbump · 20/03/2007 13:45

If I were you, I'd tell him this time around. If he does blow it, then do it in secret. Unless there is a particular reason why you are convinced that he would blow it...

winnie · 20/03/2007 13:47

but I am old and bitter and have failed at relationships so what do I know

octopussyintummy · 20/03/2007 13:48

winnie - I once had £15k in my account ready to pay for the conservatory and it did cross my mind!

Stigaloid · 20/03/2007 13:48

I don't think it is unreasonable. He gives you some money each month - if you save some of it for emergency purposes that is your choice. It sounds sensible to me not deceitful.

Original poster
AnAngelWithin · 20/03/2007 13:53

he has given me full control of the finances. He just asks me at the end of each week if the bills have been paid, and they have. If we ever go anywhere, even shopping, he asks if we have got enough money to buy everything. He doesn't take money out of the account without telling me now, but if i give him money for petrol, or anything, he never gives me the change, so i know he has got his own stash! His past spending habits have meant that I am more careful about letting him have control of any money. I know though that if I told him I was saving money, he would be like 'oh i wish i had the money to buy such and such' and i would feel really guilty. So its almost better he doesnt know. That sounds really harsh

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 20/03/2007 14:04

Plenty of men buy their mistresses flats, never mind hide savings. In your case it sounds sensible given how he is. He'd probably be pleased anyway.

Original poster
AnAngelWithin · 20/03/2007 14:07

he inherited some money while he was out of work and i had to scrape every single penny together for bills while he sat there deciding what to do with HIS money. Rather than give me £100 to do a weeks shopping, he bought a new shed instead. Thats what has made me think about having some money saved just in case.

OP posts:
kslatts · 20/03/2007 14:08

Dh and I have a joint account, I manage our account online, dh will ask me how much of our balance is available to spend, I could easily transfer money to another account as dh doesn't even check the bank statements, but I would never hide money in another account as dh trusts me to tell the truth about our joint finances. If we save for something like a holiday we do have a seperate account that we transfer money into, dh leaves it up to me to decide how much we can afford to transfer each week and doesn't usually ask how much on a weekly basis, he will sometimes ask the balance of the saving account. I think deciding what to save for should be a joint decision, you may think you are justified because the money will be spent on a family holiday, but your dh may prefer to spend that money on something else and as the money belongs to both of you I think you need to decide together what to save for.

Enid · 20/03/2007 14:09

i have my own stash called my running away fund

but dh knows abuout it! I tend to use it for christmas in fact

Original poster
AnAngelWithin · 20/03/2007 14:10

why would he not want to go on holiday though? we have never been away together. ever. i just thoguht it would be a nice surprise

OP posts:
zephyrcat · 20/03/2007 14:11

I think you are doing the right thing. I've done the same in the past and have just found out that dp has a secret stash of £1000 so he can buy a car. He's being really tight with giving me money for shopping etc and my tax credits got messed up back in Feb so I get nothing to live on until april/may/june! If I had the chance I'd def keep my own stash after this!

Enid · 20/03/2007 14:11

my dh wuold be thrilled if I had saved secretely and then paid for a holiday

Louise2004 · 20/03/2007 14:21

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. When we first met, mine laughed at my regular monthly savings that I made out of my salary - he wasn't laughing when it helped him take a year to do his MBA without either of us working full time! He was such a bad saver when we first met, but now he understands that a "rainy day fund" isn't such a bad idea... Lots of friends I know save some money for emergencies, which are usually family/children related (lots wish they could spend it on clothes/shoes for themselves, but they never do in the end!). I think it's a lovely idea to be able to surprise him with a family holiday!

kittywaitsfornumber6 · 20/03/2007 14:22

That's a really sad thing to have to do. It is being underhand. I can see why you feel you have be like this, but it does not say much for trust and honesty in your relationship.
I would feel very unhappy being with a man who was so irresponsible that I had to act in a deceitful way.

Original poster
AnAngelWithin · 20/03/2007 14:24

fgs im not talking about stashing thousands here!!! i probably wont even be able to save enough for a bloody holiday to butlins anyway!!

OP posts:
kittywaitsfornumber6 · 20/03/2007 14:26

I think it is great that you are acting with such responsibility and forethought. Your dp however........... Wouldn't it be better if you could trust him?

grouchyoscar · 20/03/2007 14:27

Anangel, absolutly not. If your DH is as bad with cash as mine I wholeheartdly applaud you.

When DH was on a fairly good wage, after many months of financial troubles, I decised to take a stand. I began to fund an ISA in my name with money from the joint account. I deliberatly kept the installments low so he wouldn't notice as he never checks his statements. By the time I fessed up (cos we had an IFA who was trying to sort us out) I had stashed £1700 away.

Yeah, he was well miffed but I pointed out that the money was still there and I hadn't burgled the account to squander it on clothes lippy or shoes, he saw that it was a good plan. It stands at over £2k at the moment and will be raided for severe panic moments.

Original poster
AnAngelWithin · 20/03/2007 14:28

my trust in him and his money lead to my bankruptcy so no i dont trust him with money. yes you may see that as being a lack of trust in the relationship but what can i do??

OP posts:
Original poster
AnAngelWithin · 20/03/2007 14:30

surely it would be different if i decided i was saving it to squander on stuff we dont need, excess clothes/make up etc??

OP posts:
grouchyoscar · 20/03/2007 14:30

I refer you to the answer I gave some moments ago

Original poster
AnAngelWithin · 20/03/2007 14:33

sorry xposted. thanks.

OP posts:
grouchyoscar · 20/03/2007 14:38

The thing is it's a secret stash for your family, you DH and the DCs, it's not as if your about to use it to visit a chat room friend/buy a mink coat/Get some Jimmy Choos is it.

DH's with cack cash handling skills are notorious. My mate is from a very MC family, her dad is a fantastic business man who has retired young and very wealthy. DF told me that early on, her mum took over the finances and running of the house to keep everything ticking over

mammaduck · 20/03/2007 14:42

I have an ISA that DH knows about, but can't access. He also has one that I can't access. The money in my ISA was stuff I earned and saved when I was working full time and only renting one room in a house (hence quite a bit of disposable income that I decided to save rather than blow).

it's not loads and we have needed to draw on it on occasion.

DH is on the whole fairly good with money, but is definitely less inclined to save than me.

UnquietDad · 20/03/2007 14:46

angel - no - we have ours. Everything joint.