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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DP to do something useful during his lunch break?

115 replies

LottieG100 · 13/06/2017 14:17

If DP isn't working away, he's usually close to home or working from home and has 1-1.5 hours lunch break. If he's working close to home and I'm not going to be home with our 2 year old for lunch he stays at work and plays on his phone. If he's working from home he does the same.

Today I took one DC to school, one to swimming and the third to the doctor then had to do the food shopping. I'd put washing in the machine before I left and there was washing up to be done from this morning. I hadn't had a chance to walk the dog yet so he was itching to get out. I didn't tell DP I wasn't going to be home as I was too busy and forgot but after having arrived home, I can see he's been home for lunch briefly, left more washing up, not put the washing out or even just thrown a ball for the dog in the garden.

I know he deserves a bit of a break but I certainly don't get an hour to sit on my phone and play which he did after leaving the dog and going back to work. AIBU to stay home even if we're not here and to make himself useful?

OP posts:

JoshLymanJr · 13/06/2017 15:25

If I had no downtime between 6.15 and 10.30 I'd be getting rid of the 'numerous pets', frankly.

BandeauSally · 13/06/2017 15:28

OP could you try scheduling your day to match his working day so you "start" at 9, take a lunch hour at 12.30 and then finish at 5pm. During those hours just do the child related stuff. Before he leaves for work in the morning he can stick a wash in the machine or hang it out to dry if switched on the night before. And he can load the dishwasher/do breakfast dishes, make DCs packed lunches etc. Could he also do the morning school run? Then in the evenings he can do dinner half the week, bring the laundry in, tidy after dinner, do the DCs bath time etc (all suggestions of what he could do, not saying he has to do it all every day) and you could have a couple of evenings a week to go out and see friends, do a class, go for a swim/run/walk etc.

NerrSnerr · 13/06/2017 15:29

What about his days off? Annual leave? Weekends? Could you go out this weekend? Go for coffee, a walk or something you want to do.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 13/06/2017 15:32

YABVU. He needs a lunch break to rest, not to do even more work.

I'd tell DH to fuck off if he ever even thought about suggesting this, but thankfully, he wouldn't.

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 13/06/2017 15:34

I can see he's been home for lunch briefly, left more washing up,

This is the part that gets me. Why has he left more washing up? Does he plan to do it when he gets home (somehow doubt it). At work, would he make a mess in the staff kitchen and then just leave it there too?

VestalVirgin · 13/06/2017 15:38

At work, would he make a mess in the staff kitchen and then just leave it there too?

Possibly. After all, there are women there, too.

Perhaps he was planning to do it later, but in that case, NOT doing it yourself is the only way to find out.

RedSkyAtNight · 13/06/2017 15:41

If I'd popped home for lunch and (say) just used a plate and a cup, I wouldn't wash them up straight away either.

JoshLymanJr · 13/06/2017 15:44

Why has he left more washing up? Does he plan to do it when he gets home (somehow doubt it).

He may not have had time, seeing as he was on his lunch break. There are people who don't consider dirty dishes to be an emergency which must be dealt with immediately.

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 13/06/2017 15:53

RedSky and Josh - those are fair points. Altho i think OP mentioned he spends his lunch on his phone playing games? And from her description, it's not like he dives in to help with washing up when he gets home from work either, so still doubt he's planning to do it when he gets home. My other question still stands, if he was in the staff kitchen at work, would he do the same?

BandeauSally · 13/06/2017 15:58

He may not have had time, seeing as he was on his lunch break.

If he hasn't time to eat and rinse a few dishes during a 60-90 minute lunch break then I suggest it isn't worth his while coming home. However I suspect the truth is that he did indeed have time, just not the inclination. Which is fine. But he should do them when he gets home.

Ladyformation · 13/06/2017 16:11

His lunch break is not the issue here. YwouldBU if that was all that's going on.

I work from home a lot and this is not time when I am available for household chores. Some things I do do, like taking 5 minutes to load and unload the washing machine because it's nice not to have drying washing everywhere in the evenings/weekends. Similarly, if I've got 10 minutes and I want to take a break, I might unload the dishwasher or whatever. But I do NOT consider myself obliged to do these things during my working day, nor would I tolerate if my DP was put out by my not having done them (he wouldn't be. Because he knows I have a business to run). Similarly, if I'm out of the house all day/week/month, neither of us feel like "my" tasks haven't been done - we just split them when we're both home.

(I also wouldn't wash up if I'd dirtied one plate and fork at lunch, just wait for the next batch!)

But obviously if he's never looked after the DCs alone and never does any household chores, that's the problem. What I don't understand is how you've both got into that position without talking about it...

WannaBe · 13/06/2017 16:14

"It's not being a martyr - I get up at 6.15 and sit down at 10.30 pm and do everything with no downtime ever." I don't believe this, not even with a disabled DC. Because if the DC is so disabled that you are unable to do anything for yourself between the hours of 6:30 and 10:30 at night then you should have applied for help from SS by now and be receiving additional help from SS. Respite care? And if you've never left the house without DC in seven years then you are being a martyr. They have a father. Leave them with him.

And frankly if you're not coping with three dc as well as numerous pets then the pets need rehoming.

You need to be proactive here. You need to have the conversations with your DP re doing things, not about what he does on his lunch break, that's his lunch break to do with as he sees fit, but what he contributes to the household when he's not at work. But additionally you can be resourceful, sort out care for your SN dc, speak to the relevant authorities re the right kind of support, and get rid of the animals you clearly are not in a position to cope with.

bruffian · 13/06/2017 16:16

Oh fgs. If you have no help and lots of pets and children it is perfectly possible to keep going from 6 to 9, I do AND I have an amazing helpful dh!

OP you need to give him tasks that are his alone. Walking the dog at lunchtime when he works from home is good for both of them.

bruffian · 13/06/2017 16:17

Even my teenagers wash up or put plates in dishwasher after lunch. Lazy bastard.

hopsalong · 13/06/2017 16:19

I haven't ever left the house without DC since DS was born seven years ago.

Really? Really?! You haven't ever gone out for a haircut or a half hour run while DP looks after the kids, or for dinner with him or for a couple of drinks with your female friends, or to a hen night, or a wedding (hiring a babysitter), or even alone to a medical appointment or to pop to the corner shop?

If this is true, this is the problem. It isn't that DP should be coming home to do housework at lunch time, it's that you need to get out, even if only briefly and occasionally and get some headspace!

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/06/2017 16:20

Didn't you get the memo, OP.

SAHMs are skivvies, and expecting your man to lift a finger is outrageously selfish on your part.

Wolfiefan · 13/06/2017 16:23

@momdancing
Thanks for the link. It's that exactly. Just emailed it to my DH!

Hellothereitsme · 13/06/2017 16:26

Walking the dog is downtime.

If it isn't then you need to think why you have a dog. It is meant to be fun not a chore every day. I work so would never consider getting a dog as I just don't have the time.

Can you pay for a dog walker?

I don't understand how anyone can say they never stop. I'm busy but I still get downtime - I'm on MN for a start and that is definitely downtime no different to your H playing on his phone.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/06/2017 16:26

I think you'd have got a lot more sympathy had you started a thread about his lack of helping. Yes he's an arse. I don't think you should pick on the lack of work at lunchtime but more in general. Have you talked to him about it? What does he say?

megletthesecond · 13/06/2017 16:27

Yanbu. He could spend just 10 mins on housework and still get a decent lunch break.

metspengler · 13/06/2017 16:28

YABU.

It's his break, because he works during the other hours of the day, everybody needs them and if an employer expected you to "do something more productive than having a break" during your break they would get in trouble. There's a reason for that.

If DH told me I had to pop home and do the washing up during my lunch break, because he didn't feel I had enough on I would tell him to FTFO.

It's not being a martyr - I get up at 6.15 and sit down at 10.30 pm and do everything with no downtime ever.

As a SAHP? Unless you live in a factory this is fucking rubbish I'm sorry. I actually have trouble believing that post.

WannaBe · 13/06/2017 16:30

No the OP needs to be having discussions with her DP about what happens in general, not about what happens during his lunch break. Because the reality is that he doesn't have to come home at lunchtime, sometimes he chooses to, so it would be unreasonable for the OP to set tasks for his lunch break, but not unreasonable to suggest that he look after the kids while she goes out.

As for the pets, they're a choice. If you can't cope with three kids, then adding more animals into the mix is just irresponsible.

But I am always a bit about people who say that they've never left the house without the kids as the partner doesn't look after them. Is it really that he refuses? Or is it that the OP feels she's the only one capable of doing so. Because there is a difference, but that needs to be found in conversations between her and her dp. I know women who never leave their DC with their partners ever. If you talk to them they'll tell you they're run off their feet, never get a chance to sit down, never get time to themselves. However if you look at the bigger picture it often transpires that the partner never looks after the kids because their dp never lets them and feels she has to do it all when actually she doesn't.

Sometimes these situations are straightforward, but often they're not so black and white.

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 13/06/2017 16:33

You haven't ever gone out for a haircut or a half hour run while DP looks after the kids, or for dinner with him or for a couple of drinks with your female friends, or to a hen night, or a wedding (hiring a babysitter), or even alone to a medical appointment or to pop to the corner shop?

i actually sympathise with OP on this one. We live far away from family, didn't have good friends to help etc for first year or two of DS life. The only times I got my hair cut in the first two years were when I visited my sister and she had her hairdresser come to her place to cut all of our hair (me, sis, kids). i took DS to every single dr appt i had because i had noone to watch him and H wouldn't have taken time off to help (fun when DS was upset because the dr was touching me). did have a couple of "date nights" out. think my only girls' nights out came after he was caught cheating when DS was 2. not quite as bad as OPs situation, but i can definitely believe it could happen as she describes.

bibliomania · 13/06/2017 16:34

*Walking the dog is downtime.

If it isn't then you need to think why you have a dog. It is meant to be fun not a chore every day. I work so would never consider getting a dog as I just don't have the time.*

Completely agree. Equating dog-walking with work is ridiculous.

That said, I do think loving partners should be looking out to ease each other's loads rather than add to them.

Lostbeyondwords · 13/06/2017 16:34

As pp have said, lunchtime is the least of the problem. I agree that lunchtime should be just that. I can sometimes go home for lunch and I work 10mins away from home. I get 1hr. So 20mins travel time, that leaves 40 to make something to eat, sometimes for dh as well or kids if they're home sick or holiday time. If I chose not to eat and to play on my phone instead, either way it's 40mins of not HAVING to think about work stress.

However, after work I help with (do) dinner and dishes and washing and occupy dc if needed, tidy, watch a bit of telly (rarely), "play" on my phone. I wouldn't want to be doing housework during my lunch nor would I expect dh to if it were the other way round.

But you're clearly running yourself ragged if you previous posts are a true reflection of things and your dh really needs to be doing more outside work hours for his family. And you need a break!

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