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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DP to do something useful during his lunch break?

115 replies

LottieG100 · 13/06/2017 14:17

If DP isn't working away, he's usually close to home or working from home and has 1-1.5 hours lunch break. If he's working close to home and I'm not going to be home with our 2 year old for lunch he stays at work and plays on his phone. If he's working from home he does the same.

Today I took one DC to school, one to swimming and the third to the doctor then had to do the food shopping. I'd put washing in the machine before I left and there was washing up to be done from this morning. I hadn't had a chance to walk the dog yet so he was itching to get out. I didn't tell DP I wasn't going to be home as I was too busy and forgot but after having arrived home, I can see he's been home for lunch briefly, left more washing up, not put the washing out or even just thrown a ball for the dog in the garden.

I know he deserves a bit of a break but I certainly don't get an hour to sit on my phone and play which he did after leaving the dog and going back to work. AIBU to stay home even if we're not here and to make himself useful?

OP posts:
BandeauSally · 13/06/2017 14:55

Btw you can leave the dishes for him coming in this evening and the laundry too. I would walk the dog though. That can't be left.

PinkPeppers · 13/06/2017 14:56

That's what you are talking about

There is no work or SAHM or whatever.
He has a lunch break, which means he isn't working. He is at home but just doesn't see puttingthe washingnto go, doing some cleaning or whatever as his responsibility. Even less because it's during the day becauso he is 'at work'.

YANBU? Yes he could do something in the house.
But I would start by ensuring he is doing something in the house AFTER work and during the weekend and hols (my guess is he isn't really if he doesn't see that as his responsibility)

BandeauSally · 13/06/2017 14:56

Xpost re dog walking! Grin

rightsofwomen · 13/06/2017 14:57

I get up at 6.15 and sit down at 10.30 pm and do everything with no downtime ever.

Well then you have a massive problem over and above what you say in your OP.

What exactly is your partner doing when he is at home and have you addressed this imbalance of down time with him?

No one is going to say YABU if you have NO down time and he has loads.

Hont1986 · 13/06/2017 14:57

There is a 0% chance that you have NO downtime between 6:15am and 10:30pm.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/06/2017 14:57

To be honest, if you are up at 6.15 and don't sit down till 10.30pm and you are a SAHM (sorry couldnt see if you are or not) then something is wrong with either your time management or you are taking on too much. I work f/t and also run a house, look after my kid etc etc and I still manage to get a lot of time to chill.

PinkPeppers · 13/06/2017 14:57

Xpost.
I can see I was right. He is doing NOTHING in the house....

You have bigger problems than just lunch time.
I would start by TAKING some time off away from the dcs, the house etc... and leave him to it.

Samoyedydog · 13/06/2017 14:57

And no you shouldn't have to ask/tell him to do stuff. He is an adult he should know what needs doing in the house. Especially something like dishes that are there for all to see! He's not doing them because he can't be arsed/sees it as your job.

PinkPeppers · 13/06/2017 14:58

Do you also have a child with SN betty?

bruffian · 13/06/2017 14:58

I'm up at 6, sit down at about 9pm

But dh does the same

babybat · 13/06/2017 15:00

YANBU - DH and I both work full time, sometimes from home. Neither of us would have a problem with loading the dishwasher/washing machine or popping to the shops to get food for dinner during that time. You're a team, you both live in the house, you have to share the chores.

bruffian · 13/06/2017 15:02

Yes

You are a team.

I can't bear men that play on their phones. It's so childish.

BeachyKeen · 13/06/2017 15:03

I'm trying to picture what you actually do all day that means you can't take 30 minutes, somewhere in the last 7 years.

What is your daily life like, if I could ask? I want to understand where your priorities lie.

Original poster
LottieG100 · 13/06/2017 15:03

I can't really send my disabled child back for having taken on too much Betty Hmm

OP posts:
VeryButchyRestingFace · 13/06/2017 15:05

or even just thrown a ball for the dog in the garden

How do you know that? Did the dog tell you? 😐

TantrumsAndBalloons · 13/06/2017 15:05

No one is suggesting that

Before you mentioned the child with additional needs it seemed ludicrous that you didn't sit down for 16 hours, that's all

JessicaEccles · 13/06/2017 15:09

I haven't ever left the house without DC since DS was born seven years ago

So what is your partner doing? Has he never looked after the children on his own?

This seems a bigger issue than the lunch break...

lanouvelleheloise · 13/06/2017 15:10

YANBU! He's taking the piss.

It's not just mental load, it's something called 'social reproduction'. Basically, the wage earner is only able to earn the wage that they do because of a whole pile of non-paid work that is done in the household by their partner. This includes childcare, cooking, housekeeping, grocery shopping, ironing - all that stuff. It isn't tangentially related to the wage - it's absolutely critical to it.

If you are on your feel from 6am to 10pm and he's only working 9am to 5pm, that is unfair. If you don't get any kind of break, and he's taking an hour for lunch, that's also unfair. There is no reason why a grown man can't wash a few plates or put the washing on. Until we stop this silly attitude that SAHMs ought to be the slaves of waged men every waking hour, we'll never get equality.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/06/2017 15:12

They "don't notice" precisely Because they think it's the woman's job. That's why it's a problem

A YET MORE WIFEWORK EXAMPLES. SIGH

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 13/06/2017 15:12

We have three children, numerous pets, a dog that needs walking twice daily, one disabled DC and DP does nothing except go to work

So the problem is far greater than him not doing anything in his lunch break isn't it. Are you saying he does no parenting, no pet care and no housework ever?

BandeauSally · 13/06/2017 15:12

I haven't ever left the house without DC since DS was born seven years ago

Has your partner left the house without DCs in 7 years other than for work? If so then that's your problem. The family workload isn't being shared fairly.

shinyredbus · 13/06/2017 15:13

If you really have zero downtime for the last seven years (and I'm really trying to believe that because I think no one can function like that) then your husband is a selfish selfish selfish person. You need to either sit him down and discuss how unfair he is being or consider other options (outside help with childcare etc)

JustMumNowNotMe · 13/06/2017 15:15

Not leaving the houde without your kids when they have a father at home is downright ridiculous and massively martyr-ish!

Bollocks to noy sitting down all day - I'm on mat leave with 2 under 2, another one and pets too- i find plenty of time to laze about in between housework and child stuff.

drspouse · 13/06/2017 15:19

If he was in the office and had lunch off a plate/cup he'd better be doing his own washing up there!

If he puts on the washing/walks the dog/does the DCs' washing up in the evening instead of lunchtime - his choice (well, possibly except for the dog who needs walking at lunchtime - perhaps an explicit share of that chore needs spelling out).

If he never does it - then the DCs/dog/house who he equally is responsible for are also equally his job, then he needs to have it spelled out.

TheSparrowhawk · 13/06/2017 15:21

Has your DP ever looked after the children on his own?