Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think I really shouldn't have to keep asking

107 replies

idontaskformuch · 13/06/2017 13:00

My OH has private medical insurance through his company. I met him 9 years ago. He was covered along with his kids. After 5 years and his daughter sneering that if I or my son got ill we wouldn't get the quality of care that she would, I asked OH if it would be possible to put myself and my son on the health insurance. He agreed and we were added to the policy.

18 months ago, I needed to have a colonoscopy. He offered for me to go privately, I declined and said I would go through the NHS. I had a horrendous experience and it had to be repeated. This time I asked OH if I could go privately and could he help me sort it out as I had no idea what the procedure was to arrange it all. He didn't help me and I had to muddle through sorting it out myself and feeling pretty stupid not knowing anything about the policy because it's through his firm and I have no paperwork at all. A few months after the procedure, I got an invoice from the hospital for around £500 this was apparently due to an excess on the policy. I asked OH why I had received it, he got angry, said I must have done something wrong but said he would deal with it and his firm would pay the bill and then claim it back from another insurance policy they have. I then got another reminder, I asked him again, he got angry with me again for causing him a problem but promised he would deal with it. 8 months later I get a final demand. This time I paid it and he said it was too late to get the money back from his firm who had another insurance policy for the excess payment. I expressed my disappointment that he hadn't dealt with it and was upset at his lack of support. I made it quite clear I didn't understand the situation and I was relying on his support - which he clearly hadn't given me.

I have recently had a sporting injury. Again, he has said "put it through the insurance" and told me that if they say there is an excess, say "that is fine and my firm will sort it". I have and again, I have received another bill. He has promised to sort it and again I have now had the second reminder. He told me to phone the hospital and insurers to ask what was going on. I did, while he was sat next to me and he gets angry that they were telling me what I had already told him. I have left the reminder sitting on the kitchen table because I really can't speak to him about it again. I think he's going to get angry with me and yet I have no idea why!

I should point out that his children have had countless procedures paid for by the insurance over the years and this evening, I am giving up a night out to go with him to a private doctors appointment. All of which, he seems to have sorted out with no problems or bills to pay at the end.

I am seriously thinking he is deliberately setting me up to fail by not giving me the correct information?!

I should point out that I never ask him for anything and I have brought up his kids day in and day out for years with not much help from him or their Mother. I don't mind and I work full time but surely when I ask for a bit of help and support, I shouldn't have to fight for it or be made to feel I have done something wrong?!

OP posts:
idontaskformuch · 14/06/2017 09:41

Yes, I think that is exactly it. I am perfectly capable of sorting this out myself but I have been specifically told something by my OH who was keen for me to use the insurance. I shouldn't have to go behind his back to get it sorted should I? The last time I was very clear in asking him if I have the same cover as him and his kids, if not, then there's not much point in him paying the tax on a benefit on kind that is not of much use to me. He was very clear that we are all on the same policy and treated in exactly the same way.

His daughter was about 15/16 at the time, and no, he didn't pull her up on her attitude towards me or even offer about the insurance himself, I had to ask.

OP posts:
newmumwithquestions · 14/06/2017 10:39

When you checked the insurance paperwork did it say anything about an excess?

It's a long time ago but my dad had private medical insurance through his work. If he claimed there was no excess payable (could have been covered by a separate policy - I don't think dad really knew as his work sorted it all out). As a dependant I was covered on his policy but if I claimed there was an excess payable. Could it be a similar set up? - immediate dependants of your OH are covered with no excess but as an unmarried partner you're a step removed so don't qualify?

Either way he should be sorting this out.

newmumwithquestions · 14/06/2017 10:41

Sorry, missed the bit where you said 'treated in the same way'

Loopytiles · 14/06/2017 10:48

It does seem to indicate that you and your DC are of lower priority to him. Perhaps different if he was generally scatty.

It's not "going behind his back" to seek info from the service providers: it's your health and there's money involved, so this is necessary.

redexpat · 14/06/2017 11:02

Lets look at the options.

  1. Leave it to him to sort again. And wait for the inevitable next bill. And argument which will follow.
  2. Ring his company and find out the info for yourself. Probably will result in either you finding out that what he has told you is false, and hopefully followed by the correct information, or that he hasnt done something he should have in order for this policy to cover you. Either way he sounds like the sort of person to get angry at both of those. No doubt he will be angry that you made him look like a dick at work.

Bottom line: He doesnt have your back. You need to take responsibilty and sort out this admin. That way you will have one angry DP but at least the bill will be paid and you will know what to do in future. Then think long and hard about a man who either doesnt care enough to sort this out for you, or is incapable of sorting it. Remember that he can do it for him and his dd. Why cant he do it for you.

idontaskformuch · 14/06/2017 11:28

I have emailed his manager this morning to ask for clarification on exactly how things work.

You are right. He will get angry if I leave it and "nag" him to sort it out (which I he won't sort out and feels controlling). He will get angry if I speak to his boss.

I don't care anymore.

OP posts:
idontaskformuch · 14/06/2017 13:10

Ok, I have just had a 10 minute telephone conversation with my OH boss. He was really helpful

There are 2 policies, I am covered on both and it is fine for me to claim on both with no restrictions. The first is the one with the excess. The second is one to claim the cost of the excess.

His boss is sending me the necessary paperwork which apparently has already been posted to my OH. Angry He has said I should never have had to pay the previous excess, but it might be too late now to claim it back.

He also made it quite clear that my OH understands the process as he has recently gone through it himself.

OP posts:
TheLegendOfBeans · 14/06/2017 13:18

You sound like you and your OH exist on completely different planets.

There's no impression of togetherness or being a blended family unit.

You've been together for this many years and yet you've seemingly no status as his partner; whether it be respect from him to help you get the paperwork right at a scary time, or respect from his DD who sounds like she needs some "manners insurance".

This health insurance thing is a complete red herring. You know you're living separate lives anyway, why would you continue to live with someone who leaves you to ring up their boss for help?

I'd be criminally embarrassed if I was in his position.

Ficklemarket · 14/06/2017 13:18

Well done for digging out the detail. If your OH was a scatty mare, I would say this aggro is just a symptom of that. But he doesn't sound like one.

idontaskformuch · 14/06/2017 13:22

My ex husband was scatty and a bit useless, it was his way.

My OH is super organised and efficient.

I actually am now thinking he has deliberately not helped me. Not just a case of "not caring enough" to sort things out, which was bad enough.

But a deliberate "I know what to do to help her, but I am purposely not going to".

OP posts:
DirtyChaiLatte · 14/06/2017 13:38

It sounds like there's something not right in your relationship if he's behaving like this.

Are you sure he's not trying to push you out of the relationship for some reason?

idontaskformuch · 14/06/2017 13:43

Well, he claims to want to marry me as soon as I'm ready and he also claims to not only love me but genuinely like me as a person.

OP posts:
DirtyChaiLatte · 14/06/2017 13:54

Well he's sure acting funny about this though. There must be some reason behind his avoiding dealing with this issue.

Maybe he feels that he takes on all the paperwork/organising stuff and he's feeling like he's being taken for granted and he's trying to make a point by not helping you and seeing how much trouble you get into without him.

idontaskformuch · 14/06/2017 13:57

Maybe. I deal with all the household bills and paperwork. He deals with his own car and own medical stuff (obviously as I know nothing about it!) and his own finances. So I doubt he feels he's left to do it all.

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 14/06/2017 14:00

His boss is sending me the necessary paperwork which apparently has already been posted to my OH

Now we can argue til the cows come home that we shouldn't judge him on this and that there's a chance that he simply mislaid/binned it. Bollocks to that, for some reason he's on an agenda to fuck with you. I wouldn't stick around to find out why.

idontaskformuch · 14/06/2017 14:02

One thing I have noticed is that he doesn't listen to me. He asks me the same thing again and again. He interrupts me and changes the subject often. I think it has got to a stage where I rush the words out in the hope that if I am quick, he might be able to take it in and hear me. If I am being generous and probably clutching at straws, he could simply have not heard me when I have explained it over and over. Not that it's really a legitimate excuse is it?!

OP posts:
Inertia · 14/06/2017 14:02

Sounds like your OH is deliberately trying to either make you beg for his help, or cause financial hardship. He'll look a fool in front of his boss now though.

SquinkiesRule · 14/06/2017 14:35

He sounds like a Dick.
I don't get why he does this though.
It costs him more money.
He claims to love you
He says he likes you
He wants to marry you.
He says these things, but doesn't act like he means them. Talk about mixed messages?

idontaskformuch · 14/06/2017 14:43

I don't understand either.

As someone once said to me though, judge someone on what they DO rather than what they SAY.

I hope his boss tells him I have spoken to him.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 14/06/2017 14:53

I actually am now thinking he has deliberately not helped me. Not just a case of "not caring enough" to sort things out, which was bad enough.

That's quite scary. If he deliberately wasn't helping you to sort out something minor or insignificant then that would be a bit rubbish. But this wasn't minor - its your health fgs. A colonoscopy isnt a walk in the park; it isnt something you just fancy getting one day. Your results were thankfully ok but what if they hadn't been? Angry on your behalf.

idontaskformuch · 14/06/2017 15:00

I came out of the first (NHS) procedure in tears. Devastated at the embarrassment of having it fail and a student nurse gagging and being re-assured whilst I was being accused of having an eating disorder which was why the procedure failed (I haven't and never have had an eating disorder) - I do have issues with my bowels hence the need for the procedure in the first place! My OH was on his phone when I left the hospital and stayed on the phone (business call) for a full 5 mins before he spoke to me seeing I was in tears. I was very upset and asked him then if I could go privately having refused to "not want to be a nuisance" up to that point. He said yes, then didn't help me. He changed the subject to ask what I wanted for lunch. Really lunch was the last thing on my mind at that point!

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 14/06/2017 17:40

My Dad actually stepped over me step mum when she collapsed and went and had his bath before calling an ambulance. By the time they arrived she was in a coma. He just didn't care enough to inconvenience himself at all. Please don't be her. It's miserable to be around.

idontaskformuch · 14/06/2017 20:56

wally - that's awful. Was she ok in the end?

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 14/06/2017 21:39

Yup she's fighting fit and he's dead! And it wasn't a good end. But she stuck by him and supported him and loved him and frankly I'm not sure he deserved the loyalty she gave him.

She now has a boyfriend who treats her like a princess. They're both 80!

Aroundtheworldandback · 14/06/2017 22:11

Not good enough. I have been in a marriage like that and I learnt he hard way that it meant he didn't care enough. I'm so sorry. I wish Mumsnet had been around. My now dh and I have no children together- but he sorts all claims for both me and my kids, takes total responsibility, even taking time off work to accompany us to consultant appointments if they're important. Having had this now, I can't see myself accepting any less.

Swipe left for the next trending thread