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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think I really shouldn't have to keep asking

107 replies

idontaskformuch · 13/06/2017 13:00

My OH has private medical insurance through his company. I met him 9 years ago. He was covered along with his kids. After 5 years and his daughter sneering that if I or my son got ill we wouldn't get the quality of care that she would, I asked OH if it would be possible to put myself and my son on the health insurance. He agreed and we were added to the policy.

18 months ago, I needed to have a colonoscopy. He offered for me to go privately, I declined and said I would go through the NHS. I had a horrendous experience and it had to be repeated. This time I asked OH if I could go privately and could he help me sort it out as I had no idea what the procedure was to arrange it all. He didn't help me and I had to muddle through sorting it out myself and feeling pretty stupid not knowing anything about the policy because it's through his firm and I have no paperwork at all. A few months after the procedure, I got an invoice from the hospital for around £500 this was apparently due to an excess on the policy. I asked OH why I had received it, he got angry, said I must have done something wrong but said he would deal with it and his firm would pay the bill and then claim it back from another insurance policy they have. I then got another reminder, I asked him again, he got angry with me again for causing him a problem but promised he would deal with it. 8 months later I get a final demand. This time I paid it and he said it was too late to get the money back from his firm who had another insurance policy for the excess payment. I expressed my disappointment that he hadn't dealt with it and was upset at his lack of support. I made it quite clear I didn't understand the situation and I was relying on his support - which he clearly hadn't given me.

I have recently had a sporting injury. Again, he has said "put it through the insurance" and told me that if they say there is an excess, say "that is fine and my firm will sort it". I have and again, I have received another bill. He has promised to sort it and again I have now had the second reminder. He told me to phone the hospital and insurers to ask what was going on. I did, while he was sat next to me and he gets angry that they were telling me what I had already told him. I have left the reminder sitting on the kitchen table because I really can't speak to him about it again. I think he's going to get angry with me and yet I have no idea why!

I should point out that his children have had countless procedures paid for by the insurance over the years and this evening, I am giving up a night out to go with him to a private doctors appointment. All of which, he seems to have sorted out with no problems or bills to pay at the end.

I am seriously thinking he is deliberately setting me up to fail by not giving me the correct information?!

I should point out that I never ask him for anything and I have brought up his kids day in and day out for years with not much help from him or their Mother. I don't mind and I work full time but surely when I ask for a bit of help and support, I shouldn't have to fight for it or be made to feel I have done something wrong?!

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 13/06/2017 15:52

From a legal point of view after two years of cohabiting you have a legal right to "marital" assets anyway - you don't need to be married
No you don't.

If you live with someone for two years and they die leaving you homeless and without any provision for support, you have the right to go to court and ask them to consider whether you should be entitled to some financial support.

BMacklin · 13/06/2017 15:52

We have two policies through my husband's work. The first pays out for major surgery and the second pays out on excess and minor dentist bills up to £ 100 per year (i think its 100) so it's perfectly possible that there are two.

PersianCatLady · 13/06/2017 15:58

www.savvywoman.co.uk/556/no-ring-no-rights-if-you-live-together-you-have-very-few-rights-if-you-break-up-or-your-partner-dies/

It doesn’t matter how long you live with your partner, you won’t automatically get any rights because you cohabit. The only rights you do acquire after two years is the right to go to court for a share of your late partner’s money and property if he or she dies and hasn’t left you anything in their will, or they haven’t left a will. However, it doesn’t guarantee that you’ll get anything.

KeepingitReal2 · 13/06/2017 16:18

Ok I think everyone has laboured the cohabiting point... the real question is what do you intend to do about the relationship

idontaskformuch · 13/06/2017 18:00

What am I going to do about the relationship?

I have no idea.

I should probably leave.

OP posts:
NerdyBird · 13/06/2017 18:21

Does the bill clearly state the policy number, name of policy holder and the fact that it is excess for a claim under the policy?

I think you could phone them and talk it through directly with the insurance company.

Also, his messing about over payments and this 'other' policy sound dodgy. If it's a small company surely this could affect the cost of the policy and their willingness to provide it?

Others have already made the point about the possibly incorrect legal advice you've had about co-habitation but I would say sort out the pressing matter of the bill first so that any bad credit is not associated with your name then address the matter of the legal advice.
Good luck

idontaskformuch · 13/06/2017 20:15

I don't have any intention of not having this bill paid either by me, him or his company.

We have just been for his medical appointment, he is being referred. He told me it's ok because at least it won't cost him anything.

Sigh.

Is he thick or uncaring or nasty?

OP posts:
OrlandoTheCat · 13/06/2017 21:55

the big fat lesson you've learnt by now - I hope - is: make sure you have the names of the insurers, and the policy numbers, and the T's & C's to hand before you go for any private medical procedure.

I don't understand why you didn't make sure of this the first time, never mind the second.

I'm not sure I'd leave it up to my husband to be fully on top of such niceties as what, exactly, I'm covered for under insurance (be it travel or medical or whatever), even if the insurance was made available through his work.... it's a bit like planning holidays or sorting childcare etc. I do all the organising as I know he's just not that into it and therefore might not do as good a job as me

idontaskformuch · 14/06/2017 06:17

Orlando - but he is good at it.

He's the most organised person I know and has sorted this insurance / medical appointments out for himself and his children countless times.

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 14/06/2017 06:45

Any chance his ex is still on the policy and he's not told you? (Not sure how private medicine works)
But regardless, he's a knob.

LadyPenelope67 · 14/06/2017 06:46

I still can't get over his daughter sneering at you for not having medical insurance Confused Although, more likely, this was a dig at the disparity in status between your family and his. She sounds like a piece of work as well.

LadyPenelope67 · 14/06/2017 06:47

Anyway, he encouraged you to use the insurance. Twice. Then leaves you to deal with the outcome and pick up two hefty bills? Good grief.
The insurance is in his name. The bill has been addressed to him. Let him deal with it (or not).
And while he is doing that (or not), use the time to think about what you are actually getting from the relationship. Doesn't sound like much to me.

C0untDucku1a · 14/06/2017 07:03

His daughter aounds a real treat.
He sounds like a poor life partner.
If you have more assessts dont get married to him.
Leave

Bananamanfan · 14/06/2017 07:08

Pay the bill and leave. How does your ds get on with him?

Wallywobbles · 14/06/2017 07:17

He sounds utterly awful. Please start preparing to leave. He so doesn't cherish you.

Ficklemarket · 14/06/2017 07:20

You have no rights. I have seen this with a work colleague who naively thought she did because she had been with her partner for so long. Your priority is your own children.

mygorgeousmilo · 14/06/2017 07:24

He is unkind to you. Your partner is unkind to you. Just keep repeating that to yourself. The person that is supposed to be your life partner, is unkind to you. There really is no point in being with an unkind person. Does he have any redeeming qualities? They'd have to be pretty amazing qualities to balance out the fact that he's bloody UNKIND to you! I wouldn't want my son to see this kind of relationship as an example, or to see me being treated like a doormat. You cancelled a night out to go with him to the doctors. Funny how it was organised by him for a night when you were due to go out.

BrieAndChilli · 14/06/2017 07:30

From a legal point of view after two years of cohabiting you have a legal right to "marital" assets anyway - you don't need to be married

When DHs grandad died all his assets went to his ex wife (still legally married). His current partner of 30 years and daughter who were in her 20s got nothing and were entitled to nothing legally. Luckily DHs nan is a nice sort and divided the state up fairly between all the kids and Step nan taking nothing herself.

Bananamanfan · 14/06/2017 07:31

Is it that he has a lot of resentment towards you as you won't marry him? Does he think you have been trying to protect your own assets by remaining unmarried? Have you argued about it & his daughter has picked up on it?
Either way, it sounds like you need to call it a day if he won't talk properly.

Cupcake1315 · 14/06/2017 07:46

Don't tolerate this. He obviously only cares for himself and his children. His actions keeps showing you over and over who he is, yet you keep hanging on. He's not a catch. Throw him in the sea for someone else, he'll need to find another mug to raise his children, doesn't sound like they'll thank you for it especially his daughter.

You sound really nice. It's better to be by yourself than to be disrespected. Life's too short to settle for anything.

SquinkiesRule · 14/06/2017 08:00

He sorts insurance and payments for him and his kids only because he wants to. He isn't interested in yours getting paid.
Chances are he's probably also sorted what happens if he dropped dead, I'll bet he even has a will leaving everything to his kids and you will be homeless. He doesn't sound very nice at all.
I was shocked at work the other week to find all the young cohabiting women I work with had no idea there is no such thing as common law wife, they need to protect themselves legally and so do you.

Kokusai · 14/06/2017 08:03

I bet ex wife is still on the policy...

idontaskformuch · 14/06/2017 08:08

His ex wife isn't on the policy. I've seen the paperwork (which he has filed away in his office because he's organised like that 😏).

His will leaves everything to his kids. Mine leaves everything to mine.

His life insurance gives me a yearly income which I demanded as his daughter was living with us full time. She's an adult now so it's irrelevant.

OP posts:
Groovee · 14/06/2017 08:16

I think would be a deal breaker for me! 😢

CoraPirbright · 14/06/2017 08:51

He's the most organised person I know and has sorted this insurance / medical appointments out for himself and his children countless times.

This is very telling - he definitely sees himself & his kids as one unit and you and your son as somehow 'other'. Any adult should be able to get themselves sorted re: insurance but you specifically asked for his help and he has (purposefully?) mucked it up twice.

And as for this sneering daughter - how old is she? If she is 6 then she is a little madam and needs talking to. If she is 20 then she is a bitch who really needs to be taken to task on her foul attitude.

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