ATBU - parents' reaction to affair

[MiniMummy576]

Recently my friend found out that her sister was sleeping with her husband. She's obviously devastated but she's getting no support from her parents, she's tried to talk to them about how she feels they've taken her sister's side but they dismiss it as 'preposterous'.

My friend was always close with her younger sister - even though she was very coddled and a bit spoilt as the ‘baby’ of the family. Two months ago, after becoming suspicious, my friend went to her sister's flat and caught them at it. She 'caused a scene' (as her parents put it) and hasn't spoken to her sister since.

Her parents have told her to ‘stop making a fuss’ and seem very embarrassed by how upset she is and keep telling her to ‘be reasonable’. When the husband has the children for the weekend they all (husband, sister and parents) go out ‘as a family’ but the parents are always ‘too busy’ to see my friend when she has the children. Yesterday my friend found out that the parents are planning on taking husband, sister and children away on a ‘family holiday’.

On top of it all my friend gave up her job on her husband’s insistence to raise their family and is now struggling financially. Her (rather well off) parents won’t help but they are lavishing gifts on the sister, husband and children during their weekends with them.

I think her parents’ reactions are unbelievably cruel and it’s like they’re trying to push her out of her own family in preference of the new little unit they’ve set up. It’s not just me, right? I know the parents have two daughters and it’s a careful line to tread, but I don’t think they’re even bothering to try.

Her parents are cunts.
Real, nasty cunts.

It's a shame the kids have to see them re: DH.

Get her to go on Jeremy Kyle to show how scummy her family is.

Honestly, minimal contact is best way to go.

Only talk to any of them about the kids - nothing else.

This is one of the instances where I think the OW is just as culpable.

Be there for your friend like a family - she needs real family (i.e people who care) now.

Bless her heart. I'm so angry for her.

It sounds a bit like they have decided they must keep the husband sweet at any cost, or at least make themselves seem like a big childcare asset to him so they can see the grandchildren during "his" time.
I'd understand them not wanting to get too deeply involved in taking sides between their daughters (although clearly the one who was left deserves to be sided with more than the ow, unless she was abusing her husband in some way), but I think that the behaviour described above is taking sides, and actually, even giving the abandoned one more practical support than the other would still be fairly neutral behaviour.

Wow, that has genuinely shocked me. Your poor friend, her parents & Family are twats. I have no idea what you can do except be there for her as much as possible.

'Stop making a fuss'

Awww how awful, maybe she needs to cut her parents out of her life.

Your poor friend and they aren't thinking of the children's welfare at all are they. Suddenly seeing Aunty with Dad and having her pushed on them as a new Mum. Very damaging.

Sounds like they're trying to normalise it and cruelly push your friend to do the same. NC with her parents and sister would be best for her. Only speaking to her DH regarding arrangements for the children.

Thank goodness she has you for support.

Fuck! She's doing well not to stab all four of the bastards! TABVVVVVU. Your poor friend.

Fuck! She's doing well not to stab all four of the bastards! TABVVVVVU. Your poor friend.

(not sure why that posted twice. but i do feel it very strongly!)

That's really, really shitty. Your poor friend , I'm glad she has you.

Wow, if my parents treated me like that, I'd be livid & never speak to them again - although easier said than done if she is hoping for some financial or childcare support from them.

How awful! Your poor friend; she has no family to turn to at such an awful time in her life.
She should make no attempt to 'cover' for them outside of the immediate family (i.e. tell people that found her husband & sister together & that is why they are apart), she should not take on any of the shame & not attempt to hide it in any way. Does she have any aunties/grandparents/family friends that she can lean on? Some outside support from people connected with the immediate family may start to shame the husband, sister, parents into realising their rightful places. I hope the DCs are ok, how confusing for them & it sounds like they are un danger of being turned against their mum.

I wonder if there is more to this i.e. If the relationship between friend and parents has always been fraught and this has brought it more to the fore.

To be honest they're in a really difficult position, I know that as outsiders it's easy to say that they should take sides but as a parent I imagine that it's really not that simple, however much you want it to be. And this embracing the husband with the sister seems almost like a denial on their part. But if friend generally has a decent relationship with her parents then I would go and speak to them without the sister or the kids present and question why they are clearly taking the sister's side in all this given what's actually gone on, and be open to what they have to say. It's entirely possible that the husband and the sister have put their own slant on why their relationship has come about which the friend is unaware of.

Bastards. You cant reason with twats!

Omg that's beyond horrendous. If it wasn't for keeping kids able to see their dad I'd be tempted to pack my bags and move somewhere else.

I know a family who went through this (only brothers not sisters). Parents were horrified and disgusted but bent over backwards to maintain friendly relationships with all parties in the interests of family unity. There were difficult times, as you'd expect. 20+ years on the brothers have a very strong relationship and the children are close to both father and uncle - parents get on with everybody, errant W is accepted by all including her exH new W, and all family get-togethers include everyone. They've demonstrated very clearly to all who know them that if it's possible to act neutrally and reasonably there are great gains to be had.

Crikey that's absolutely awful!! What do his parents think?!

I've read some things on here in my time but this is up there in the awful list. Your poor, poor friend.

I think this is a time in her life when her friends need to step up and pull her through this. No matter how long it takes. She has effectively lost her parents and sister in such an awful way. All four of them are indeed cunts.

As others have said she needs to distance herself.
If she can needs to apply for jobs and become as independent as possible.
She is going to need good friends

Wow.

That is so messed up!

Jesus that is horrible!

The kids must be so confused, too.

I think if I was her I'd be planning to move to the other end of the country and do my absolute best to lose contact with all of them - ex H included. That is one absolutely SHIT dad.

Yes I also know a family where the husband ran off with the sister and where the family embraced all parties involved. It took a couple of years but sisters ended up back very close and the husband and sister used to regularly socialise with the one they had cheated on and children all had an exceptionally close relationship, even the grandchildren.

It's easy to say go no contact but ultimately the children will have a relationship with these people and as hard as it is when this kind of thing happens within the family there sometimes has to be a way to make it work.

What a bunch of arseholes!! I'd be tempted to to smile sweetly about it all and then in a year or so I'd be paying for a honeytrap to catch the husband out because if he can cheat on the mother of his kids with her own sister then he'll dip his dick anywhere the nasty shitbag.

Can I just clarify - are the sister and husband now openly an item?

Jesus that is fucked up, her parents should be ashamed, they have treated their daughter (the wronged party) appallingly. A 'family holiday'? Are they for real. I would be beyond livid and would cut all of the wankers out of my life, NC with 'sister' (undeserving of the title imo), NC with wanker, head in the sand parents and only contact regarding DC with the abhorrent ex.