ATBU - parents' reaction to affair

[MiniMummy576]

Recently my friend found out that her sister was sleeping with her husband. She's obviously devastated but she's getting no support from her parents, she's tried to talk to them about how she feels they've taken her sister's side but they dismiss it as 'preposterous'.

My friend was always close with her younger sister - even though she was very coddled and a bit spoilt as the ‘baby’ of the family. Two months ago, after becoming suspicious, my friend went to her sister's flat and caught them at it. She 'caused a scene' (as her parents put it) and hasn't spoken to her sister since.

Her parents have told her to ‘stop making a fuss’ and seem very embarrassed by how upset she is and keep telling her to ‘be reasonable’. When the husband has the children for the weekend they all (husband, sister and parents) go out ‘as a family’ but the parents are always ‘too busy’ to see my friend when she has the children. Yesterday my friend found out that the parents are planning on taking husband, sister and children away on a ‘family holiday’.

On top of it all my friend gave up her job on her husband’s insistence to raise their family and is now struggling financially. Her (rather well off) parents won’t help but they are lavishing gifts on the sister, husband and children during their weekends with them.

I think her parents’ reactions are unbelievably cruel and it’s like they’re trying to push her out of her own family in preference of the new little unit they’ve set up. It’s not just me, right? I know the parents have two daughters and it’s a careful line to tread, but I don’t think they’re even bothering to try.

this is awful your poor friend. I don't have kids but can she legally stop the grandparents and her sister from seeing the kids? I would so want to hurt them back.

Absolutely appalling behaviour from her entire family. Honestly, sometimes the best thing you can do in these situations is just to walk away from the lot of them. There's clearly some deeply dysfunctional golden child/scapegoat thing going on here.

and quite apart from anything else - the grandparents are playing a losing game. If the new couple split up, who are they going to see their grandchildren with then? Are they going to be best friends with the son-in-law who is an ex to both daughters? I don't think so. Because if I was your friend I wouldn't be facilitating anything after that behaviour.

I am shocked. Your poor friend! Not only has she lost her husband, her parents and her sister are trying to write her out of the family.

I really like what Callmemaybe has said. I do hope she finds the strength to fight for her children before they become massively damaged.

@callmemaybe that would be the entirely reasonable and sensible thing to do. I do wonder though if trying to be the sensible person may end up being more toxic and stressful to her and the children in the short term. It surely cannot be good for her mental health to have the children sayingbhurtful things and dealing with the stress of the situation as a whole at the same time. This would result in her being very unhappy and maybe affecting her behaviour and relationship with the kids. It's all very well to say that they are hurting themselves and she is the adult in this situation so she should rise above it. But perhaps some time away is the best way to gather some perspective and heal. I guess it could be seen as treating her children as pawns.
In the very unlikely alternative, the scumbag couple may be truly in love, rise up to the occasion and be wonderful parents, in which case let them play happy families and she is free to start a new life unburdened and away from her disloyal family. She can still have a good relationship with her children as many responsible divorced fathers do.

Your poor friend - that is a shocking level of betrayal from her entire family. Thank goodness she has supportive friends.

Your friend needs needs a mountain of support right now to start fighting back - and fast!

Do the dc have passports and are they in her possession? Does Prick Head have keys to the house? If those passports were hidden and the passport office were contacted by a parent to state that no reissues should be made, what would happen?

Shit Hot lawyer required fast.

In her shoes, I would be discussing the emotional impact this has had on the dc with their school, GP and even the NSPCC (for advice). Because what those fuckers are doing is emotional abuse. I would want conversations with GP and school noted in writing, on the DC's records.

This will not go away and she needs to fight. She needs her friends to prop her up in what will be a long haul.

I cannot believe the level of betrayal to your poor friend. To lose parents, husband, sister, and now her children in basically one fell swoop. God, I feel so bad for her!

She can't control them. She can only control what she does. If she doesn't have a SHL she needs one badly. Is parental alienation a 'thing' in the UK legal system? Because that is what her family is doing, they are attempting to alienate her children from her and it needs to STOP.

All you can do, you and her friends, is circle the wagons around her and hold her as close to you all as you can. Cut her family DEAD if you see them and let all and sundry know what a vile bunch of cunts they are. She doesn't need to be silent (except to the children, as hard as that will be) she needs to sing it from the mountaintops!!

fatdogs her children need to take priority. If she capitulates now and gives them to her ex she will be disregarding the emotional wellbeing of children who are far too young to understand in the pursuit of her own wellbeing, and that in itself will make everything her ex and sister say to them about her true. Not only will they be able to state that it was all mummy's fault, but they will also be able to back that up by the fact that she will have abandoned them at the most crucial time, something which, if she has previously been the primary carer, will impact on them deeply.

And there's no such thing as children coming to a sudden realisation as they grow up, yes some do, but if this woman walks out on her children now they will only ever believe that she abandoned them at a crucial time in their lives and that their father had no option but to divorce her. Those relationships are unlikely to heal given the ages of the children involved.

As hard as it is she has to put her children above her own feelings, however much that may hurt her at the time. The relationship with her ex and her family may be damaged, but any damage to the children's relationship with her will be of her own making if she walks away from them now.

Their behaviour is disgusting (and short sighted). Definitely encourage your friend to see a solicitor and financial advisor.
I'd also hope she's not talking to her parents or sister, and especially not sharing any advice or plans with them.

Actually open mouthed in wonder at the total shit fest your poor friend is enduring. Her sister is a slack fannied judas, her husband is a wank badger and the parents are a matching set of cunts. Wow, who needs friends with family like this!!!!! Poor, poor woman.

Your friend must name them both for adultery in her divorce, they go low, she must go high, and higher against them.

but fatdogs if that happens, she's unlikely to have a good relationship with her children in the future, given how all the other adults are behaving and poisoning them against their mother. And in any case, what sort of blueprint for family relationships is it giving two very young children?

A good family solicitor would be more than helpful.

OP, I'm truly shocked and appalled at what your friend is going through. Thank God she has good friends to support her.

Fuck me this is the worst thing I've ever read on MN. I cannot believe that your friend's parents are gaslighting her and the children to that extent - it is out and out abusive.

This is the worst thing I have ever heard - your poor friend!

If it were me I'd be taking the DC far far away from those horrible nasty cunts.

I feel angry for your friend

This is awful! Her own sister!!! Her parents sound vile and I'd be getting myself a shit hot lawyer. Him and her sister are damaging the children. What they've done is awful and you think they'd be trying to minimise the damage. What utter fuckers!!!!

I've never commented on something like this before, but I think I'd be gathering together all the friends and their partners and turning up mob handed at the parents house to read the riot act. This is one of the worst things I've read on here.

As hard as this is she needs to be seeking mediation with regards to the children, because that way it can be discussed with him in front of a third party and he will hopefully be made to see that alienation is not in the best interests of his children. If he doesn't back down then and it goes to court, the discussions in mediation can be presented in order to hopefully strengthen her case for greater access.

Don't bother with naming people on divorce petitions. Nobody actually gets to see it, it doesn't make any difference to the outcome, in fact it will delay the process as all parties then have to respond, plus the courts take a pretty dim view.

She needs to play everything by the letter here. Things will go in her favour if she plays by the book, especially if he is playing games in contrast. it's only temporarily gratifying to try to seek revenge etc, but in the long term the best revenge is living well.

She may not think so now but things will get better and she will come through this.

She needs a SHL, she needs to be making records of chats with the children (and with parents, DH and her parents) and she may need to consider getting support/counselling for herself and her children. The fall out from this will be long term and she will need help to wade through it. Callmemaybe has it right - Her children must stay with her.

I'm quite happy to throw insults around when there is cause but I don't have sufficient words for the actions of her DH, sister and parents. Beyond vile.

It's rare I get so angry with people I don't know but I wish the worst luck in the world on ex, sister and GPs. If I knew them I'd tell them how cunty they are and that Jeremy Kyle rejects would be classy in comparison.

I'm glad the friend will have support but the DC being turned against mum is ducking sick.

Wow. Surely this can't be real.
Appalling behaviour.

Get your friend on here, there are so many knowledgeable MNetters, she'll get awesome support.

The rest of us can cheer her up plotting revenge for in a few years time when the shower of bastards least expect it.

Your friend needs to go totally no contact with her birth family. Completely cut them off, and enjoy the thought of her parents rotting in a home, all alone when the sister has bled them dry and abandoned them.

The STBXH, no discussion apart from through solicitors.

Any of them contact her she has them warned off for harrasment.

This is the first time an mn post has made me literally cry! How she hasn't broken all of there noses I don't know ! I would stop contact with all of them and get a shit hot lawyer for custody proceedings sending hugs and support to your friend ❤

Can her friends support her to seek legal advice
Is parental alienation a 'thing' in the UK legal system? Because that is what her family is doing, they are attempting to alienate her children from her and it needs to STOP.
Has your friend looked up narcissistic personality disorder? It sounds as if the parents are narcissists and her sister is the golden child. Are the parents superficial, vain and believe they are entitled to special treatment ? It appears they are punishing your friend and she is scapegoat as she is the truth-teller, and this doesn't fit with their lies and narcissistic and inflated views of themselves.