ATBU - parents' reaction to affair

[MiniMummy576]

Recently my friend found out that her sister was sleeping with her husband. She's obviously devastated but she's getting no support from her parents, she's tried to talk to them about how she feels they've taken her sister's side but they dismiss it as 'preposterous'.

My friend was always close with her younger sister - even though she was very coddled and a bit spoilt as the ‘baby’ of the family. Two months ago, after becoming suspicious, my friend went to her sister's flat and caught them at it. She 'caused a scene' (as her parents put it) and hasn't spoken to her sister since.

Her parents have told her to ‘stop making a fuss’ and seem very embarrassed by how upset she is and keep telling her to ‘be reasonable’. When the husband has the children for the weekend they all (husband, sister and parents) go out ‘as a family’ but the parents are always ‘too busy’ to see my friend when she has the children. Yesterday my friend found out that the parents are planning on taking husband, sister and children away on a ‘family holiday’.

On top of it all my friend gave up her job on her husband’s insistence to raise their family and is now struggling financially. Her (rather well off) parents won’t help but they are lavishing gifts on the sister, husband and children during their weekends with them.

I think her parents’ reactions are unbelievably cruel and it’s like they’re trying to push her out of her own family in preference of the new little unit they’ve set up. It’s not just me, right? I know the parents have two daughters and it’s a careful line to tread, but I don’t think they’re even bothering to try.

Your friends sister is such a massive cunt because she was taught to be one by her horrific parents. I would be moving as far away as possible

That is all kinds of messed up. What utterly horrible people. Your poor friend! My parents would go absolutely ballistic if something like this happened, as I would expect anybody to really! I understand not wanting to get involved but that reaction is truly shocking.

What do they mean by ‘stop making a fuss’ ?

Are they wanting her to stay married and forget about it ? or accept her sister and her DH are now an item?

They do seem to have gone beyond neutral and keeping everyone on side.

Is there a history of a bad relationship there - or are they thinking if it's all ignored it will go back to how it was or have the sister and husband been pouring poison in their ears and suggesting this is somehow her fault suggesting she had an affair first or something or have the claimed the affair is all a lie and she's been paranoid and misconstrued situation?

I think going NC would be a mistake - fading away while everyone else plays happy families and bad mouth her to the kids would be a tactical error - I'd suggest LC and hugh emotional distance and a refusal to let it go. She going to have to lower her expectations of them and try and get back on her feet without their support. She must be very hurt by it all.

Though if she can move away in future - I'd suggest she does so - more physical distance easier LC would be.

That genuinely is appalling. I can't imagine how hurt she must be feeling.

This is one of the worst things I have read on MN - your poor poor friend, she has been betrayed four-fold, by all the people in her life who should be the closest to her. Thank goodness she has a friend in you at least. I am so appalled by the behaviour and cruelty of the people involved here that I can hardly think where to begin - but I second the poster suggesting she puts some physical distance between herself and her 'family' and husband. The children will be damaged by this weird 'new family' set up - what a despicable lot your friend's husband, sister and parents are, they should all hang their heads in shame. It's so wicked I can hardly believe what I'm reading.

I really feel for her.

Equivalent happened to me more than thirty years ago (only at least there were no children involved, and I was not married but hopelessly in love with my fiancé).

Parents thought I was making a fuss and even tried to send me to a priest to discuss why I'd been so unreasonable (I called my sister "a bitch and a whore" and they took exception to that language).

The experience spoiled my last two years at uni. It was seven years before I could go out with anyone again. Ten years before I forgave my sister. I absented myself from family gatherings to avoid her, which made for many lonely Christmases and summers. It was also about ten years before I felt comfortable around my parents again, in fact I would say my relationship with my father never recovered and he's now dead so that's too late.

I can tell you, it is really a seriously unforgiveable thing they're doing and if she's at all like me, she'll never really get over it. Sorry to say.

I am definitely not a drama queen either. Tend to take things in my stride. But this knocked me for six -- in hindsight I had a mental breakdown from it but felt I couldn't get help because the whole thing seemed to cheap and sordid I couldn't talk to anyone about it.

Reading what's happened to your friend, it's my experience with added insult. How horrible. She has my every sympathy but sadly, what kind of constructive advice could you give her? I am stumped.

This is disgusting. I feel very sad for your friend. Her family is abusive and horrible.

How weird for the children. "Why is auntie with daddy now? Where's mummy? Is auntie daddy's new girlfriend?"

Does her sister have a family of her own? This seems unhealthy for the children/strange and toxic family dynamic going on.

Awful, awful people the lot of them. Your poor friend. Personally I would not be trying to move past it to play happy families all round- I think it sends a terrible message to the children that you can hurt people as much as you want because everyone will come around and forgive you.

so cheap and sordid

That's so fucked up that I really wish the kids could be stopped from seeing their father.

Noton Sorry, yes, I should have made that clear (my page kept refreshing so I ended up typing it out 4 times and forgot what info I'd included!) husband and sister are now openly a couple. He essentially just shrugged when my friend caught them and said he wouldn't bother coming home. Divorce proceedings have begun.
deugain they mean for her to stop crying and talking to her friends about it.
His parents never liked my friend, so they aren't fussed. She has a gran who will be appalled when she eventually hears of it but she's 'touring' Europe at the moment and is quite old-fashioned so doesn't like phones etc (rich and eccentric is all I can say).
We're a pretty tight knit bunch of friends, known each other for years, but we've all cut ties with the husband. There was a massive argument about it at a BBQ shortly after it came out and the other partners had to restrain husband's brother from punching him. The sister doesn't seem to think she's done anything wrong as my friend 'let herself go'.

Sounds like the BIL is at least on this poor woman's side.
Hopefully the gran will disinherit everyone else and pay for lots of lovely holiday for your friend and her poor DCs.

they mean for her to stop crying and talking to her friends about it.

Ahh - well she shouldn't as they are giving no support what can they really expect - they are being very unreasonable there. Not talking about it won't make the mess go away.

The sister doesn't seem to think she's done anything wrong as my friend 'let herself go'

What an utter bitch.

My god , your poor friend, that is soo shit, and those poor children!
Thank goodness your mate has you and other friends. What a betrayal from her parents & sister , to me that is worse, than her arse of a husband behaviour, what a dick. Your friend need a bloody good lawyer, hit the bastard in his pocket, and she really should go for counselling about this whole situation, and go NC with all of them

This is so awful, your poor friend.
I would be struggling not to commit a crime if this happened to me.

I like the sound of your friendship group though. Rally round like you've never rallied round before and help her survive this.

Liking the idea of the honey trap in a years time as well.

Personally I would not be trying to move past it to play happy families all round- I think it sends a terrible message to the children that you can hurt people as much as you want because everyone will come around and forgive you.

This with massive bells on. Normalising such truly awful behaviour does nobody any good in the long run.

I have a knot in stomach for her. What a bunch of slimy cunts! I really hope what goes around comes around and reality smacks them in the face very, very hard!

Let herself go.. you mean she had his children by any chance?

You seem to be a really nice group of friends. PLease carry on supporting her.
And talk about how awful both him and her dsis are. They wont like it as they are trying very hard to make it look oike its your friend who is unreasonnable to make a fuss

If I was her, I would cut ties with her DP and her dsis. It seems that she has just learnt how crap her dh is but also her dsis and her Dparents :(

Tell her to spoil herself rotten with the simple pleasures in life when DH has the children.. Karma will get these bastards.
Such a pack of nasty bastards. I have no doubt her selfish and shallow sister and x - DH will in time do themselves in and be seen by the children as they mature, for the selfish, shallow arses they are.

Your poor friend

"Stop making a fuss" is truly the "I'm not racist but..." cop out of shitty shitty behaviour
It was the straw that broke the camels back before I went NC with my father and it makes me raging furious when I hear people say it to excuse their disgraceful treatment of someone else

Well her husband, sister and parents are nasty cunts. Hopefully her kids see that onr day. If it's at all possible I would move as far away as I could with my kids if I was her as soon as. I would not want my children around people who think it's ok to be so nasty to others. God I can't imagine how she is feeling. At least she knows there'll be a spot in hell for all of them.

Oh my God, shockthemonkey that's awful!

The bit that really makes me want to cry and angry scream at the same time is that the DC are being turned against their mum.
The DD is 8 and seems to think it's all her mum's fault (it's all 'mummy's being silly' from her GPs). Plus, because the husband was too much of a coward to go home, it was up to my friend to tell the DC that daddy wasn't coming home. Add that to the awkward money situation and the lavish stuff being thrown at her by aunty and GPs and her mum's just 'being mean'. She tells her mum she hates her. The DS is only 6 so he just follows everything big sis does and walks around the house chanting 'hate mummy, hate mummy'. I gave them both a bit of a talking to - was promptly ignored. Now DD is saying she wants to live with daddy and 'fun aunty x'.

Heartbreaking. Your friend needs to gather all her strength, draw on you and her other friends for support and fight to protect her children from what is emotional abuse.

The attempt to turn her children against her following adultery with her own sister all needs to be brought before the court as they go through their divorce. The Father ought to have very minimal contact.

It's a massive betrayal from her parents. However, looking at the wider picture it's going to be nice and oppressively cosy for her EXDH as it will just be her sister and the parents who accept it. If his parents never liked her, they'll like the sister even less, the family are tarred with the same brush. The sister I feel will move on once the reality of being a step parent hits her and the grandparents will be left with a family they completely helped destroy.
Keep on with telling the kids the reality of the situation and pray Granny comes home soon and lays waste to them. Forgive them a little due to their age but they will grow and see the reality of the situation as it won't stay happy families forever.