ATBU - parents' reaction to affair

[MiniMummy576]

Recently my friend found out that her sister was sleeping with her husband. She's obviously devastated but she's getting no support from her parents, she's tried to talk to them about how she feels they've taken her sister's side but they dismiss it as 'preposterous'.

My friend was always close with her younger sister - even though she was very coddled and a bit spoilt as the ‘baby’ of the family. Two months ago, after becoming suspicious, my friend went to her sister's flat and caught them at it. She 'caused a scene' (as her parents put it) and hasn't spoken to her sister since.

Her parents have told her to ‘stop making a fuss’ and seem very embarrassed by how upset she is and keep telling her to ‘be reasonable’. When the husband has the children for the weekend they all (husband, sister and parents) go out ‘as a family’ but the parents are always ‘too busy’ to see my friend when she has the children. Yesterday my friend found out that the parents are planning on taking husband, sister and children away on a ‘family holiday’.

On top of it all my friend gave up her job on her husband’s insistence to raise their family and is now struggling financially. Her (rather well off) parents won’t help but they are lavishing gifts on the sister, husband and children during their weekends with them.

I think her parents’ reactions are unbelievably cruel and it’s like they’re trying to push her out of her own family in preference of the new little unit they’ve set up. It’s not just me, right? I know the parents have two daughters and it’s a careful line to tread, but I don’t think they’re even bothering to try.

I second getting your friend on MN, there are so many people with so much knowledge, professionally and otherwise, plus of course the immense amount of support she will get.

this is an interesting article about parental alienation. There's also a book called divorce poison which, although American, so the legalities of the situation are not relevant, makes for some interesting reading and has a lot of guidance on how to best manage the situation (from an alienation perspective - doesn't help with the fact that her family are a bunch of utter twats).

Wow, your friends parents are behaving like complete arses. I would be moving myself and kids as far away from them as possible.

I'm actually shocked. This is the worst AIBU I've seen.

There must be something that can be done about it, for your DF to protect herself & the DCs from these vile people. Do her own emotionally restrained parents even like her? How sad that it's come to this.

God that's just so awful! and what makes it so much worse is she can't get away from it! She needs to make another life for herself and show them all!!! And only see them when she really has to! People are just so mean!

Sorry to hear of your friends situation. When I told my parents that I was separating from my husband because of his cruelty they were totally unsympathetic- saying it had to be you, you had to be different and your were always causing trouble. A few months later it also came out that my ex had been abusing my daughter and son for years and I didn't know - when I told my parents they took his side not ours and I was shocked and devastated by their total lack of support. I have since had counselling and managed to come to terms with a lot of the situation, and been able to look at other things in my childhood where they were downright cruel. Unfortunately not all parents are supportive or even nice. On Mother's Day and fathers day it's all about wonderful parents but I have since realised that this just isn't the case for many including me. I haven't spoken to them now since January and to be honest am relieved not to have to anymore which I am sure to some will sound cruel. Thankfully my friends have been really supportive and without them I could have really become very depressed - I was very low at one point. But life is for living. You cannot control others thoughts only your own and live the way you want to live. Be true to yourself and everything then can take its course. Good luck to her. She is better off without them.

EXACTLY WHAT NotAnotherNoughtiesTune said!! 17 million times over!!!

This is quite possibly the worst AIBU I've ever read.

I have no words!

How heartbreaking, your poor friend. At best her parents are trying not to take sides so have gone too far the other way. But more likely they are all just horrible nasty fuckers. Thank goodness she has you. Do encourage her to come on here, as others have said.

Arseholes. What a dreadful situation. Poor kids and poor friend.

I could understand trying to maintain a neutral stance (as there are always two sides to a story) but your friends parents don't seem to be doing that at all. I'd suggest she limit all contact with them and file for divorce (if she hasn't already citing infidelity and naming the sister of possible). That way it's in black and white and can't be argued by her parents as to who was in the wrong

There would be no more little family unit outings I would just put a stop to it. Petty perhaps but if they are turning the children against their mother than this is unacceptable. I would wipe the parents and sister out of my life by refusing to speak to them ever again. I wouldn't be able to forgive that.

I'm actually a long term poster but re-registered to post this.

My ex husband is now married to my sister and my parents did exactly the same thing after they had an affair. I found them in my bed. I was expected to "just get on with it", "accept it" and to sit at a fucking Christmas dinner with those cunts and say nothing. I moved on, had as little contact as I could and remarried. I had a child in my 2nd marriage and when he became domestically violent I left him with my child. This is when it becomes like Jeremy Kyle. My second husband moved in temporarily with my first husband and my sister when I threw him out. She had both of my ex's under her roof. Some may find this funny or unbelievable but it happened. I thought I was living in some sort of hell for a while tbh. I went NC and haven't seen or heard from any of them for nearly 18 years now nor has my child. I really don't care what people think of me but no way in hell were any of them getting near my child and expecting them to find that situation remotely normal. It happens more than people think. I don't hate any of them, I feel sorry for my sister as she clearly had something fuck knows what against me or had something to prove. I can see that now, but at the time it didn't feel like that and it honestly felt the full family was against me. I don't for moment regret my decision to leave my ex. It's a hard pill to swallow though and I will never forgive her or any of two exs for what they put me through. I sometimes wonder who I'm still standing!

What? This is total madness- the parents need to be psychologically examined because I am absolutely sure they are mentally sick. They have lost their moral compass

Thanks, Mummy.

Thinking about your friend a bit more, there's one thing I would urge her to do, which is to see a therapist for help dealing with her emotions.

It's the one thing I really, really should have done myself. I think it could have saved me years of pain.

Best wishes to her -- this is all very hard to read about.

Wow, what an utterly bizarre situation!

I feel so sorry for your poor friend.

She's had her kids turned against, betrayed by her husband and sister, and pretty much cast aside by her parents.

They're all utterly despicable.

Disgusting behaviour by them all, especially corrupting the children

Oh my god, user. You too. Shit. Sorry, so sorry.

Parental alienation is certainly a thing in the English legal system.

She just has to hang on with her children, be the reliable parent who is there, is loving and is consistent.

A friend of a friend went through a terrible divorce after a horrible marriage. Father was the fun parent, denigrated mother as difficult and tried to blame her when he failed to turn up for contact etc. The children were bloody awful to their mother for a lot of the time, partly under father's influence and partly because, frankly, they were secure in their relationship with her and felt able to lash out without fear of rejection or abandonment. 2 years on and the children have got better, and now see through father.

It will be bloody hard for your friend for a while but tell her to have faith that things will get better.

Your poor friend! I know this situation sounds almost unbelievable but it absolutely does happen, as my colleague can attest to unfortunately. Almost the same exact situation, her DH had an affair with her younger sister but the horrible part for her was that she had been dealing with infertility and the affair only came to light because her sister became pregnant. Her parents also wanted to sweep everything under the rug! They were upset and they didn't just tell her to "get over it" but they were frankly excited to have a GC on the way and just wanted everyone to get along! The sister and her ex-dh are now married and my colleague moved across the country from her family and has no contact with them (for her own peace of mind).

Your friend really needs you which obviously you know but at some point please try to help her move on. The best thing she can do for her own sake and her children's is not to allow this horrible situation define the rest of her life. Easily said than done and she's obviously a long way off from moving on but it breaks my heart when I think about my colleague's situation, she hasn't really gotten over what happened to her.

OP, thinking about this a bit more, yet again...

she will be dealing with a terrible mixture of rage, grief and self-loathing and that's why I really urge your friend to seek counselling.

She should also most definitely cut contact with her family and do whatever she can (using legal channels if nec) to keep her children away from her ratbag of a sister.

Jesus!!! This is like something out of Downton Abbey!? (And not in a good way) your friends family sound AWFUL and I can only send flowers and say thank god she has good friends like you. You can just be there for her and just keep supporting her and letting her know her family are in the wrong so she doesn't keep doubting it (as if she was on her own they may wear her down) her husband also seems like an absolute prize CUNT (along with her sister) I just hope her sister and husband both have affairs on each other eventually and make each other very unhappy. What a terrible situation for your friend. Can I also suggest you show all of these comments to your friend so she can see how much support she is getting?? She has done amazingly well to grow up NOT a cunt in a family like that. They sound like absolutely horrific people. Urgh. Hopefully the daughters will see sense soon. 6 and 8 is still young but soon, hopefully, they will be able to see what happened was very, very wrong.

The dps knew, hence...'don't make a fuss'

What cunts they are!!!!

Can't believe people actually behave like this. Your poor friend.

I'd cut contact stone dead. No way would they get the opportunity to fuck my kids heads up with that shit.

That is so awful!!! Sounds like she needs to cut sister, parents and husband out her life. Good riddance