To be depressed at the parenting I've seen today

[sowhatusernameisnttaken]

On Friday at the supermarket some woman came across the car park f'ing and blinding and shouting at her husband saying "you can forget me going anywhere tomorrow" her daughter piped up "going where mummy?" "Anywhere with your fucking father" cue more swearing from him then them piling into the car and her screeching off. I felt so much for the poor girl.
Today, same supermarket, woman having a go at her toddler sat in the trolley scowling at him and then when he made a fuss her saying patronisingly "bye bye" and waving slowly side to side whilst walking backwards away from him, again I felt so much for the poor little boy.
Then walking out to the car a woman swearing into her phone with her daughter by her side saying "you can't just fucking drive off you're supposed to be picking up your fucking daughter" And more swearing and shouting.
I realise people don't lead perfect lives and I sometimes shout myself but the way in which it was done shamelessly in public in full view I felt so much for those poor children and the environment they're being brought up in. I found it so depressing.
I'm lucky I just have one child and no stress which I realise makes me less likely to act like this but still :-(

Sweary language not sweaty 😂

People prefer to think these episodes are one-offs because it's easier to assume all mums are good and loving deep down, and to retreat to a lovely fantasy land where everyone's fundamentally loving and kind

Yup, which of course is bullshit. Often these parents lose their rag at something really minor. I had one mum on a train launch into a 5 minute sweary, shouty tirade because her son asked for some squash. Of course that's not a one-off, she is no doubt the same at home and so are most of the sweary, shouty parents you see in the supermarket. At the end of the day, it's a shitty, shitty environment and I feel desperately sorry for the kids.

And as someone else said, the problem is not about exposing kids to swear words- it's about shouting at them and generally treating them like dirt. You can tell that it's not a one-off because often these kids don't even react to the shouting anymore- it's become so commonplace.

I think, tbh, it's the tone of voice and not the swearing in and of itself that does the damage.

Two parents having a raging argument in front of their children - that is the problem, regardless of what words they use. Equally the examples people have given of swearing in the office - the one of voice and intent / anger behind it may well not amke it stand out particularly from the conversation around it.

Of course i have been angry with my DCs. Of course I have been angry with my DH. I have also been angry with other people in my DCs' hearing. I feel that the thing which is damaging to children is not only having anger / violence unreasonably directed towards them on a regular basis, but also living in an environment where the adults most responsible for looking after them are consistently aggressive / violent (in words or deeds) towards each other, especially if it is about / related to the children in question.

Do you have a place to send your child when you want a date night/coffee with your friends/want to make a trip to the mall without your child? If you answered yes to any of the above, you don't get to be upset with those parents who've had long days and are human and most probably irritated.

So what username, I find it very difficult when I hear parents speaking to others/children like that. I've sometimes loose my patience with my children but would never speak like that to them. I sometimes wonder how they even think it's acceptable. I wonder how they'll deal with their children speaking to them and others like that in the years to come.

Crumbs that's really lovely to hear. My son is a chorister at a local cathedral, and it's lovely to sit through choral evensong. Our youngest is 6, but she was only 1 when ds became a chorister. I find cathedrals much more accommodating to young children, our elder daughters are always offered a order or service, and the youngest is often given a bag of books and crayons during long services.

People at a certain airport witnessed a mother swearing and angry in front of her son...sadly my DS had just witnessed the degree to which his father can be abusive both verbally and physically towards his my mother. Up until I had managed to protect my son from it. I was soo mad that my ex (hence the airport, yes I had to move to another country) had done this in front of him that I just let loose! It would be too long to explain everything, my point is, it was awful, I was in shock and scared. I certainly would never speak to my son like that on a normal day. Life isn't easy...cut people some slack, very judgemental indeed

Hopefully you caught some extreme moments and that is not the norm. I know what you mean though, I've seen awful examples too. It really leaves you feeling sad.

I knew there'd be lots of posters defending this sort of shitty behaviour from other parents.

What haunts me is that if these parents can lose control to this extent in public, then wtf is their behaviour like behind closed doors

Because I'm not very confident at all that the Mum screaming and swearing in front of her dcs in the supermarket will calm down, go home, cook them a nice and healthy tea and spend the evening quietly reading with them.

I think they just go home to more shitty chaos.

Many years ago I was in the outpatients waiting room at the children's ward of our local hospital, with DD who has an obvious learning disability. There was a couple there with a toddler. He was playing quite happily, and brought a toy over to show them. The man ( his father?) said in a tone of cold loathing 'Fuck off you little retard". I have never forgotten it. We all lose it occasionally with our kids, but I hate to think what kind of man that little boy may have grown into.

Whilst these might seem like small events of no real concern to some, if the child is continually exposed to this/treated in this way it can be of detriment to those poor children - speaking from some experience here. YANBU, I see these kinds of things all the time and I worry for the children

Papafran it's about shouting at them and generally treating them like dirt
I'm a Gran, and I can't forget the sight of a little girl being marched around a supermarket, clinging to the trolley, constantly being shouted at by [I'm assuming] her mum, and being told how stupid she was. Her little face was so sad. I berate myself for not saying anything, even though it would have resulted in a load of abuse.

I swear, but have enough self control not to swear in front of children, and to be honest pretty much every parent i know is the same because they care. With swearing either you don't care or you lack self control. If you don't care, then I do think it says something about your parenting as you child will get told off a school for using words they don't know are wrong.. So even at primary they are in trouble, when the poor child doesn't even know its wrong. You as a parent should care about your child getting in trouble...

I hate parents shouting at kids who are crying in the pushchair in the cold/winter. You look down and the toddler isn't wearing any socks or no coat etc.. Then you think poor child, no wonder they are crying :(

That first woman was probably my mum. She always says that to my dad when he's done something "wrong"
Hell, if we were naughty we had a leather slipper across our backsides.
We're the closest family I know and would do anything for each other so certainly did us no damage.
Unless I see someone act violently towards a child, I wouldn't be that bothered.

Does anyone else click on threads with a title like this and have a sudden cold ice cube down the back moment of irrational (hopefully!) paranoia that the thread will be about them?!

I am going to counter this with an opposite experience :-)

My DDs and I were on a crowded, hot, train at the weekend, standing room only. Young mum, two toddler boys, Spanish speaking family. The boys were fractious, battling over push chair rights, and one hit the other on the head with a toy car. Cue wailing. My DDs and I were smiling sympathetically while expecting all hell to break loose.

The mum stayed calm, explaining to the hitter (in Spanish so we got the gist of it not the actual words used) how much that had hurt, calmed down the injured one and by the time they got off peace was restored. I was half expecting the whole carriage to break into applause. It was brilliant and left us all smiling.

Maybe my big mistake as a parent was to use English not Spanish .....?

That reminds me of a story a friend told me years ago about a harassed young mum on a boiling hot bus with two young boys who were scuffling, fighting, generally annoying each other. Eventually one howled and wailed something to his long suffering mother, who snapped and said a bit too loudly,

"Well, maybe he said that because you ARE a little cock monkey!!!"

Bus broke into hysterics; mortified mother went scarlet and dragged her kids off at the next stop!

Yes Dandandan me every time

I have sworn in my dc's earshot (although now they are 13 and 15 they probably know more swear words than I do, but yes, I have done it when they were small)

I've had a heated argument with dh in their presence - more than once.

I'm satisfied that I am a darn good parent - most of the time.

Shopping with kids is stressful Online Shopping is the way forward.

Don't agree with foul language whatsoever. Admit I do "think " it sometimes but never say it out loud. Language in general has slumped over the years just listen to soaps, film and some music for examples. Young folk can't walk about having conversation without swearing. Must hear it somewhere and see where it is used early on
On the other hand there are some folk who don't resort to swearing no matter what the situation.

Sometimes I think I must live in a bubble 'cos I've never worked anywhere where people swear freely, my friends don't swear and we don't swear at home.

And as for snide remarks about people who don't scream and swear in their kids faces being "perfect", it's nothing to do with being perfect. Refraining from verbally abusing your child is surely basic standard parenting.

If people think that not screaming abuse at your child = perfect parenting, then their bar is set pretty fucking low.

My DCs are teenagers and I have never yet sworn at or screamed at them. And they haven't at me.

I am usually in the "don't judge other parents unless you have a good idea what they're going through" camp, if it's something fairly harmless that is, but these three don't sound great tbh... I'd probably have found it quite depressing too, so no, I don't think yabu.

There is a world of difference between the odd swear word slipping out in front of a child and swearing and shouting aggressively around them. That must be quite scary for child to see their parents lose their shit to that point in public.

And okay, I will fess up to having shouted at my teens. But I haven't sworn or called them names, just vented about their behaviour. I'm a much worse parent of teens than I was of little kids.