To wonder if "family secrets" are normal?

[SurfacingTrunk]

I'm posting here for traffic.

When I was a child there were things we weren't allowed to tell anybody outside our family. That meant anybody other than my mother or younger brother.

I can't remember what they all were. There were times when it was explicitly said that "this is a family secret" (can't remember when, just remember it being said) on many occasions). There were times when it wasn't explicitly said, but ironically these were worse things (physical abuse) and we just knew never to talk about that outside the "family" (or even within in fact).

So I grew up thinking it was normal that every family had "family secrets", but now I'm wondering if it is or not.

In my own family (DP & kids) there's nothing I'd tell the kids, or that we do, that they couldn't tell someone about.

Not all secrets are bad. I have known children to give chapter and verse on things their parents woukd not want their teacher to know which woukd make them cringe with embarassment !

Family secrets are not normal imo.

You do grow up thinking that your family is 'normal', even if there's stuff going on that you hate or that hurts you. Its only when you get older that you start to see it in a wider context and start to question what happened

I once read that healthy secrets are to be kept for short periods and have an end point - like 'don't tell Daddy that we're planning his birthday party this weekend, keep it a secret'. The kind of secrets where you must never ever tell anyone else ever are an enormous burden to put on a child.

Red these weren't things like "mummy had diarrhea". ;)

That sort of thing may have been included though!!

Our family was the same. Secrets including physical and sexual abuse as well as secrets involving relations not being as they seemed. E.g. "Your aunt Betty is not actually Linda's mum, but her grandmother. Linda's mum is your cousin Nora - but she was only 14 when she had her so baby was brought up by Betty and nobody is to know - not even Linda!"

Interesting Lotta - I like that end point idea. It's quite like surprises, rather than secrets, which I talk about to the kids.

We have dark secrets in our family. .
Never discussed.

So sorry can't elaborate.

Youngest are oblivious for now tho.
Gonna be a darker time still when they come to know. .
Sad sad days ahead. .

.

A few in our family from the trivial to the sad.

Loads my mum would often come out with blinders after too much Bacardi ;)

Showing my age here but there's a film called Secrets and Lies (British film directed by Mike Leigh) that came out in the 1990's that depicts an extended family with various family secrets. Great film, but sad.

I think its fairly normal to have Family information and keep it close, like what my Mum really thinks of nephew (he is a twat), how much I earn, that someone has recurring MC etc

I never forget my Mum saying we "would get a cup of tea if we popped into a house of a distance relative" so I proudly told them that was the only reason that we visited, got a wallop for that one.

My parents left us home a lot as DC and were advised never to tell anyone about that, it was arse covering for them.

I'm the secret-keeper in our family. I know stuff because people know I don't tell. If they wanted their secret out in the open, they'd tell. Not my job to do that.

Not really. I knew some things were 'private' rather than secret. Such as how much my parents earned or how much the mortgage was. I knew one of my Aunty's was a half sister of my Dad, it wasn't a 'secret' it just wasn't discussed because why would we make an issue of it & risk her feeling hurt. Oh & when my Dad had his vasectomy, I was 14, I wanted to know what was wrong with him, why he was in bed etc (my Dad was never unwell) I guess they decided telling me the truth was the best option, but I was told it was private & my Dad would rather the world & his dog weren't told 🤣

I like Lotta's rule of thumb about secrets being specific and time-bound. Surely every family has those sorts of things?

Most families probably also have things that are confidential rather than secret (such as salary, medical stuff, views on things and people).

Actual "you must never tell anyone about this or A Bad Thing Will Happen To You" secrets is almost always a sign of abuse, IMO

Secrets and Lies is an amazing film - I rewatched it recently.

My father's aunt had a child out of wedlock who was raised by her parents as her brother. My mother had a cousin who walked out on her husband and kids one day and never returned; the story is that she fell down a tin mine shaft but in fact there was another man. So yes, those were the family secrets of my parents' generation - these days people wouldn't bat an eyelid; there'd be no need to keep it secret.

OP - good for you that you've managed to be open with your own family despite that upbringing.

I watched a documentary about Hitler, looking for his last living relatives. It was a secret in their family that was not discussed and quite fairly!

I have 1 secret which is only between me and DM. She didn't tell me until I was an adult.

Lots of dark family rumours though! all the people who know the truth are dead

Finger, I love that film. Yes its very sad indeed

I agree there's a difference between confidential and secret. A 14 year old being told about her dad's vasectomy but also being asked to keep the information private is fine because the 14 year old is unlikely to find the information scary or upsetting. It would probably be more upsetting not to be told why dad seemed to be unwell in that situation

We had family secrets, but never more than dad's secret BBQ Rib Sauce, or mom's special chocolate cake (both completely normal nothing unusual in them)

As above we knew things like our family finances were private but no big secrets.

My mother was a dreadful social climber and snob, so there were things that she felt would have tarnished her queen bee status (self-appointed) and therefore had to be secret

It was really inane stuff like she bought things from bric a brac shops because we were skint

Lying witch I'm that person in my family too everybody tells me everything because they know I won't tell anyone else but no major secrets in our family, I also tell my girls we don't keep secrets you can always tell mum, dad or nanny but this is mostly to try and keep them safe.

Very trivial but when we moved into our current home the girls Nanny came down to babysit them and I told them not to let Nanny see in the utility as it was full of crap (all stuff we had yet to find homes for/throw out) when we came home I tried to get into the utility without mum seeing and one of them piped up don't worry mum we already showed Nanny all the crap :).

I don't know, it's a fine line between privacy and secrecy. We all knew that there were things to to discuss with other people, not secrets as such, just things that were (or aren't ) of anyone else business.

If one of your child had a pony for example, you would tell them not to mention it at school, that sort of things.

If things are really that secret, you shouldn't burden children with them in the first place.

There are mysteries and things unsaid in my family (the last couple of generations) but I think that some things are best left. Fudging of dates etc around babies born out of wedlock etc.

Medical information and stuff isn't the same as a family secret imo as everyone deserves respect and privacy there.

Eldest DD is only 5 but we have surprises, not secrets.

We have a family secret that I found out about as a teenager. It's definitely a justifiable secret (I can't elaborate, my posts are too outing) but it was difficult to find out and deal with as a young teenager. We aren't really a secretive family overall though.