To wonder if "family secrets" are normal?

[SurfacingTrunk]

I'm posting here for traffic.

When I was a child there were things we weren't allowed to tell anybody outside our family. That meant anybody other than my mother or younger brother.

I can't remember what they all were. There were times when it was explicitly said that "this is a family secret" (can't remember when, just remember it being said) on many occasions). There were times when it wasn't explicitly said, but ironically these were worse things (physical abuse) and we just knew never to talk about that outside the "family" (or even within in fact).

So I grew up thinking it was normal that every family had "family secrets", but now I'm wondering if it is or not.

In my own family (DP & kids) there's nothing I'd tell the kids, or that we do, that they couldn't tell someone about.

My mother likes to keep up the pretence that we are one big happy family, when the reality is that I no longer speak to one sister or brother. I don't know who she thinks she is trying to fool, everyone knows we don't get along but she plays along, 'have you sent so and so a birthday card' or 'I heard from so and so last night'.
In laws that we are NC with told all of their family and friends that when we moved away, it was to manage a business meaning we couldn't get back very often. The reality is DH is disabled and we moved to escape their crazy games but they see illness as weakness so could never admit that. They all play along with it to outsiders apparently

I have a feeling my eldest DC is a family secret on my ex's side. He has a lot riding on his "solid family man" image, and a child he abandoned would certainly spoil that

I know that my cousins have an older sister by their fathers first marriage. Everyone in the family knows, apart from them.

I know one of my cousins is adopted. We (the rest of a large extended family) have always been told that she doesn't know.

I can't quite see how she would never have found out (she's nearly 40 and must surely have needed a birth certificate or medical history or blood group or something), but I can't really ask her.

It's so sad that so many of these are MH related.

It doesn't have to be about shame though, Unborn. Dd is adamant that her granddad must not know about her being suicidal at times because he is such a softie and just couldn't handle it. Her grandmother and I are made of sterner stuff. As for her young cousins, she hasn't wanted to frighten them. I'd say that's very understandable. And absolutely respect her wishes.

I am pretty sure my mum had an affair when I was younger (primary school age) with someone she worked with and I think it went on for many years. I remember my mum and dad having a HUGE row (not sure what it was about but I was terrified) and have never shared a room since! My mum still sees this guy every now and then, but more for companionship. When I was born I was the apple of my dad's eye and he doted on me and I think my mum was jealous. She was never a good mum in terms of affection. They would never get divorced as it would be frowned upon by family, Church and social circle, and I am an only child and they would both be the sort of people to stay together for the sake of their child. They have never really been happy but are still together. Part of me wants to know for sure, but it's a subject I don't feel I can broach on the very very slim chance I am wrong... It makes me very sad.

At my mother's wedding (young pregnant tounges were wagging whilst waiting for her to arrive) it was revealled to my mum's puritanical aunt (by her mother) that her "aunt" was in fact her half sister and she'd better shut her mouth about sex outside marriage.
The thing is there were about 12 of them (siblings). So they then just started loudly discussing this revelation.
The vicar had to shush them so the wedding march could be heard. Terrible though. The elder had known and had been sworn to secrecy. Always with the knowledge that her mother's husband only allowed her to stay with them (her own mother) if his family never knew.

My dad's aunt had a baby out of wedlock which the family all knew about. But said baby apparently died aged 9 months. I have researched the family tree a little bit and cannot find any evidence of a death certificate. I am convinced the baby was adopted as my great aunt was unmarried. When she died, my dad cleared her flat (she never had any other children) and he didn't find any evidence that the baby had ever even existed. No birth certificate, no death certificate, no photos, no baby clothes, nothing. Even now, 14 years after my great aunt's death, I hope I'll be able to find out the truth one day. The baby would be approaching 70 now if still alive.

My family has enough skeletons in the closet to fill a haunted house on Halloween. They think they are normal.

cory I was meaning more historically kept secret by family when there was a lot of stigma iyswim.

No offence meant my own grandad never knew about my diagnosis neither do my own young daughter and nieces with being little. It's my own mam who treats it like it's a personal failure on her part.

I was a family secret for years, in the sense that I'm not my dad's biological child.

I was bothered more by the fact that everyone knew, except me, than I was about what had been kept secret.

Not normal to have lots and to live in fear of what would happen if you revealed them, I'd say. None (that I'm aware of!) in my family. But I can't imagine any of my family swearing anyone to secrecy or going nuts about anything much really. They're just not like that. No family drama of any kind really.