To wonder if "family secrets" are normal?

[SurfacingTrunk]

I'm posting here for traffic.

When I was a child there were things we weren't allowed to tell anybody outside our family. That meant anybody other than my mother or younger brother.

I can't remember what they all were. There were times when it was explicitly said that "this is a family secret" (can't remember when, just remember it being said) on many occasions). There were times when it wasn't explicitly said, but ironically these were worse things (physical abuse) and we just knew never to talk about that outside the "family" (or even within in fact).

So I grew up thinking it was normal that every family had "family secrets", but now I'm wondering if it is or not.

In my own family (DP & kids) there's nothing I'd tell the kids, or that we do, that they couldn't tell someone about.

Not in my family, but DH has a secret aunty! Found out when aunty M was a bit tipsy that the family have an older sister who was given up for adoption as their parents could not afford to raise her.
Apparently they have met her, and she is lovely, does not resent her situation at all!

We had a family secret that everyone but my sibling and me knew - aunties, uncles, grandparents, cousins.

I found out when a relative accidentally mentioned it thinking of course we knew too.

It was directly about my sibling. They were the very last person to know and it blew a hole in the family that never recovered.

I don't think they are normal, no.

I can understand keeping secret embarrassing things such as that Linda is the result of a teenage pregnancy, as this sort of thing might lead to bullying in school if someone talked about it.

But with such things, children should'nt be told them at all. Especially if Linda is their age and is not to know about it!

Also, it cannot be called "normal" to have something like that in the family.

And anything that is illegal (like if Linda were not the result of cousin Nora having consensual sex with a boy her age, but the result of incest) shouldn't be swept under the carpet, anyway.

Expecting children to cover up crime within the family, especially crime that's never been punished, is abuse.

Children should only ever be told secrets that would not lead to a catastrophe when they talked about it. Like surprise parties or the like, where only the surprise would be ruined.

We're a family secrets family. I know virtually nothing about my family beyond my granny's. I don't know who either of my grandfathers are. I come from a small Scottish town. There's a man there who is the spitting image of my youngest brother, they could be twins! As far as I know there is no family connection, but it's hard to believe when you see him. I'm the eldest in the family now so it seems those secrets have gone to the grave.

My mum still frequently says 'but don't tell anybody'.

However, she's a narc and a liar so whenever she pulls that phrase out, I know it's because she's lying about something and trying to be manipulative.

My mum and he siblings have a secret long lost sibling somewhere - apparently the result of my grandad fathering a child when he was 14! That's a family secret and nobody is supposed to know about (however we all do, my grandad just didn't know we all knew!)

Justmadeperfectflapjacks I'm not minimising your experience, but surely something that has the power to cause pain should just end with you. Why would you need to share it? (That's rhetorical by the way, I'm not fishing for info).

I think some secrets just need to die. There is nothing to be gained by putting the burden onto someone else. I've never understood the handing down of painful information to another generation.

I agree with AnnieAnoniMouse that there is a huge difference between secrets and private things. I mean, I don't think we have any secrets from our kids, but they know that most stuff doesn't need discussing outside our four walls.

Unexpected things turned up when I started researching my family history after both my parents died.
An unrelated stranger (also researching the same surname as me) unwittingly mentioned 2 uncles I never knew I had, and who had both died in early childhood.
Another relative died from alcoholism in his 30's.
My grandparents only married 6 months before my mother was born.
Another distant relative was murdered.

My family, no. We're very upfront about things. However, there is one small exception.

My cousins father died when he was 3, cousin idolised him. At 5 he still does everything he can to 'make dad proud'. It transpired a little while after his death that he had sexually assaulted several children, and was in possession of indecent images. It's a secret for now, and my aunt will tell my cousin one day when he's old enough to understand. But for now, the kid has enough going on with losing his dad, regardless of what sort of person he is.

DH's family however, is bursting with family secrets. Everything is brushed under the carpet. It's pathetic and breeds resentment.

I'm adopted as my parents died when I was 6. I have a sister who was just turned 2 at the time and our dad killed our mum and then took his own life.

We were put into temporary care in a children's home and then both adopted separately with wider family.

My sister grew up thinking I was her cousin. They only told her she was adopted and I was her sister when she was 12. I knew she was my sister but had to pretend she was my cousin (this is all the adults who decided this). The explosion this all caused when it came out ripped my sister's life apart. She went completely off the rails and ended up in the care system. I had far too much dumped on me at a young age, being expected to 'sort your sister out' at the age of 17.

The result is my sister and I are extremely close. Neither of us have ever hidden anything from our children, things might be diluted down to be age appropriate but we never, ever lie to our kids. We have seen the damage it does. Both from things being hidden from her and me not being allowed to form a bond with my sister.

I look back and fucking hate what they did to us.

No secrets. No lies.

ABSOLUTELY.
We have them.

I expect this in my family - I'm an adult but my parents still hide all sorts from me.

When I was 20-something my mum - unprompted - told me that X wasn't my cousin (long story about my uncle's previous wife). Fine, but the parties in question didn't tell X's sister, either, who obviously took it a lot worse when she found out.

I understand that there's never a good time to talk about these things, but still.

My family is pretty dysfunctional, but I give them credit for never doing stuff like this. Nobody can keep anything to themselves anyway.

There was stuff I didn't learn about until I got older, though, but I think a lot of them are for the best as a child doesn't need to be privy to sensitive information.

DH's family does the whole family secret thing. We weren't allowed to tell anyone his father had cancer. When he passed away because of it, everyone was shocked and felt bad for not knowing. That was hard.

Sadly I expect normal. Thankfully none of ours have involved harm to anyone.

Well I thought we were a no secrets fairly ordinary traditional family and I was the first for generations to divorce so that was gossip for a while. However it turned out that Granny's parents weren't married and had run from Ireland to UK to "live over the brush" pretending to be married. He was already married in Ireland and had a daughter who passed away and had then run off with great granny who already had two of his kids!!!

SO that was the gossip for a while!

I grew up in a family with a long history of secrets (my grandmother only revealed my aunt's true father on her deathbed) and when abuse happened in my home it did feel easier for people to cover up because we were all so used to keeping secrets.

I'm an open book now.

My family did a good line in 'don't tell anyone', especially my mother. My borther died when he was 3 (I was 6) and I was told sternly that I must never tell anyone I'd had a brother. He was then my most prized secret that I only told best friends about (all of them, over the course of 8-10 years)......

I am not keen on secrets now - too much hard work.

We had "And you dont tell ANYBODY"....about whatever it was my mother was on the rampage about or what she had done while on the rampage. She was physically abusive and dad was absent most of the time. I dont blame him for staying out of her way but I do blame him for letting us take her anger so he didnt have to and not protecting us.

In our house the kids know that there are good secrets which are things that make us happy, such as birthday surprises etc and then there are bad secrets, which are things that make us sad. We should never keep bad secrets no matter who tells us to and that the people who want us to keep bad secrets do it because they are the ones who dont want to get into trouble. I have told them over and over that no matter what a bad secret person says about them getting into trouble, its not true.

I hope the message has gone in.

BROTHER, not borther. Poor lad, I can't even spell him right.

The only "family secret" we had was that Auntie Annie wasn't actually Auntie Jenny's sister, they were partners instead. They lived together from their early 20s when they set up a shop during the war, and eventually they died (Annie a couple of years before Jenny) in their 90s. Nobody has ever mentioned it, but it's quite easy to see on the family tree that Annie was born somewhere "their" parents never lived.

If they met now, nobody would care enough for it to be a secret.

My cousin's father isn't her father. She knows. Not sure if her siblings now. She doesn't know I know.

My grandma's brother was in fact her uncle.

My husbands grandparents died when my MIl was around 21 - within a few years of each other. She never talks of them.

My husband was apparently the result of his parents honeymoon - but was born 2 months early - so 7m after marriage rather than 9.

Not so much secrets but lots of unanswered things

I'm a family secret.

My biological father's children don't know I exist.
-Misses point of thread entirely-

My parents aren't the family secret kind - they always told me everything and anything though certain things I was told to keep confidential (dads vasectomy, family finances etc). However neither of them have much contact with their parents and extended family and this is because of all of the secrets they found out as children and the pretty grim childhoods that they both had.

Dad's mum had mental health issues and schizophrenia and she spent a large part of his childhood in and out of mental hospitals. He was told never to tell anyone and had to make excuses for why his mum would disappear for weeks at a time. Both of his sisters got pregnant when they were teenagers and had abortions - much to the whole family's shame. His brother has cheated on his wife numerous times and drunkenly confides to dad about it.

Mum comes from a huge Welsh farming family and was privy to numerous secrets. Lots of dodgy dealings with money and inheritances, farms changing hands, gambling debts and loads of illegitimate children and random uncles that she didn't know about until researching the family history. Also lots of male family members who obviously had undiagnosed PTSD and "shell shock" following serving in WW2.

Her dad never spoke about his experiences in WW2 but she found out after his death that he'd been awarded a lot of medals and had saved his BILs life when they were fighting together. He'd never wanted anyone to know and refused to discuss it :(

They both agree that hiding things and refusing to discuss family secrets and also forcing children to keep quiet is extremely unhealthy and creates a bad atmosphere.