To wonder if "family secrets" are normal?

[SurfacingTrunk]

I'm posting here for traffic.

When I was a child there were things we weren't allowed to tell anybody outside our family. That meant anybody other than my mother or younger brother.

I can't remember what they all were. There were times when it was explicitly said that "this is a family secret" (can't remember when, just remember it being said) on many occasions). There were times when it wasn't explicitly said, but ironically these were worse things (physical abuse) and we just knew never to talk about that outside the "family" (or even within in fact).

So I grew up thinking it was normal that every family had "family secrets", but now I'm wondering if it is or not.

In my own family (DP & kids) there's nothing I'd tell the kids, or that we do, that they couldn't tell someone about.

Loads of family secrets in my mum's family. I wish I didn't know any of them. My mum's family is sort of messed up.

I wonder if it depends what sort of things have gone on in your family, and whether it warrants keeping a secret. My family had a few big traumas when I was younger (suicide, murder) and my mum did explain them to me as I was around 16, but they wouldn't be openly talked about now, and my children certainly have no idea because I don't see the point in telling them. I guess if your family is lucky enough to not "need" secrets then that's a good thing, but some are necessary, through the fault of no-one, does that make sense?

I think in my case, calling them a "secret" is perhaps the wrong word, sometimes things don't need to be discussed with all and sundry and that's fine, it's not a secret, it's just not their business or anything that they need to know. We haven't sat down and decided on our "secrets", it's just obvious I think xxxx

Mycats
It's hard to imagine how the adults in your life after the tragedy of your parents death, could have mismanaged it more. What a devastating impact on both yours and your sister's lives.
My heart goes out to you both, and so glad that you're so close to each other now for you both.

My mum was an alcoholic. My dad said if I told anyone I would be taken into care (probably true, it was a very abusive home).
When I was 11 I told my so called best friend, who used it to blackmail me with for three years.
Unsurprisingly I don't like secrets.

Ragdoll that made me laugh.

The privacy issue is something I'd not thought about. Agree it's an important one. Good distinction too.

I think part of the burden of our "secrets" is that (and I'm unpicking it as I'm reading through the posts) is that regardless of what they were, I was always very afraid of what would happen if I told. Anything from my "D"M going nuts to our family being broken up. The latter, in hindsight, was unlikely, but the fear was definitely there.

My aunt was a family secret, except she wasnt. She was born 4 months early in 1939, 5 months after the marriage of my grandparents. She weighed 7lb something and was a bonny healthy baby.

Everyone knew that she wasnt 4 months early but things were just brushed over and not talked about then. I only found out recently as I hadnt thought about her having a big 0 birthday a few months after my grand parents 40th/50th/60th wedding anniversaries, it just didnt occur to me!

I think most families have things that are kept in the family. After all, it's nobody's business but their own if Cousin Katie's mum is really her grandmother or if Uncle Joe has a drinking problem. That's their business to deal with. But I do think that things don't really need to be shared that cannot be talked about in the family. In our family, my brother, sister, and I were told that one of our uncles has an illegitimate child. Our mum let it slip during her grief when he died. She immediately clammed up when she realized what she'd said so we don't know if our cousins know they have a 1/2 sibling. It's information that we really wish we didn't have as it's none of our business!

BUT, if it's that Uncle Jim beats Auntie May and the children or that Cousin Bob is 'odd, just don't let him be alone with the children' those are secrets that should not be kept.

My family have things that are 'private' - like I never knew how much my Dad earned, and we wouldn't blab if someone had diarrhea but it was mainly that it would be embarrassing or not quite polite to talk about it with other people. If one of us said something we'd kind of laugh awkwardly and that would be it.

DH's family (well, his mum) have 'secrets'. He's never been allowed to know who his dad was (his DM still has never let him have his full birth certificate), she has cut people out of the family, then pretended that they never existed, to the point of destroying photos etc, and we're supposed to be bringing DD up with MIL's version of history. These are secrets, not private things. There will be dire consequences if we ever tell (hopefully, she'd stop talking to us).

I see my family as being more normal, and DH's mum as being really very toxic.

We were doing the family tree and were told a sister of a great grandma died in the war. Turns out she got pregnant with a GI and moved to the US which means we have a whole branch of family over there.

This was the type of 'family secret' that used to be bandied about a lot alongside fudging wedding / Birth dates to hide shotgun marriages etc....

It's also worth looking at the power play behind a secret. If something is used to keep you quiet, or to give someone some control over you, it's a bad thing. If it's just that other people would gossip, or maybe to protect someone from unkind comments, that's a very different kind of secret/private matter.

Secrets and Lies is a great film - I still occasionally rasp "it's all just secrets and lies" to my bemused children..

That said there ARE secrets in my family but I'm not sure they're worth being secret IYSWIM.. Nothing outrageous or interesting - in the cold light of day its just that great grandfather was mentally ill and there might be gypsies somewhere in the past!

There was a big one in our family, about a baby out of wedlock. It's all out in the open now (because it's the 21st century) but there is a weird side of the family that's religious and struggles with the fact that granny had a baby with a war hero, but wasn't married to him. So they refer to him as her husband, even though I correct them every time. It's like they can't hear it.

I think it maligns granny's character because it implies there should have been shame. I think, 'good for granny shagging that poor bloke before he headed off to his death, I hope they enjoyed themselves'.

When I was told it though, there was no expectation of secrecy for me. They had kept the secret but I wasn't expected to.

We never had 'family secrets' but that didn't mean that people weren't told. My mum was a bit of a gossip and I overheard something when about 7 that I repeated and it was horrible. Other stuff that she told me I was older and it was implied rather than stated not to share.

I really like Lotta's 'healthy secrets are short term and have an end point' because I admit I've struggled with explaining to my boys that grown ups shouldn't ask children to keep secrets, unless it's a good secret. That gives me a good way to explain it so thanks.

My gran on my dad's side spent lots of time in psychiatric care for depression, having numerous rounds of electric shock therapy over the years. My mother was so embarrassed, and used to tell people she had gone on holiday. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and my mum still has no truck with it - she's of the "pull your socks up" school - and I expect I am now the dirty secret!

Ours has a few but nothing abusive or neglectful. My great granny was in bedlam with probable bi-polar which I've inherited. Last time I was in a psychiatric hospital my mam told non-family members I was on holiday

My grans MH problems were brushed under the carpet for years my grandad covered for her a lot and my brother was only told who his biological dad was when he started going out with our cousin.

I tell my DD's all the time we don't keep secrets she knows she has to tell me or her stepdad. For Bdays and things we say surprises and it seems to work.

My DM is very secretive about things / prudish? I don't know how to describe it. There is a history of issues with mental health on her side of the family, but the family members involved are quite open (and unashamed - quite rightly) about it, so I don't know why she's so weird about these things. Like, I will go see my aunt and she'll say "blah blah is on new medication now, after a stint in hospital" and when I tell my mom she looks aghast that they'd share such information. But it was like that throughout my childhood - didn't want to have it known that we were having financial problems (which would kind of be inevitable given my DF was out of work for years at a time).

There are things that I don't discuss more widely, but it's out of privacy. DH and I struggled with infertility and barely anyone knows. It's something that we found really hard to deal with, and neither of us thought that discussing it more widely would help anything.

I have a big half brother my parents don't tell anyone about, because it would involve admitting Dad had been married before and that net bro was the result of an affair and my parents are overly Catholic. He's not a family secret anymore though because teenage me made an effort to mention him in conversation in front of my parents friends at every single opportunity, even if it was in no way related to the conversation. There's quite a few other secrets on both sides of my family that would be too outing to post.

Some children do need to know about privacy though, some of the things children tell me at school I definitely don't need to know, for example one of my year 1's dad missed the loo and got pee on the floor too many times and now mum says he must sit down to wee.

I had a family secret that i did not know about, but when i found out, it;

A. Made sense of things i knew i remembered from childhood, but was told i was wrong about.
B. Really blew my mind.

I still do not know the whole truth, and guess I never will, i dont think there is anywhere i could get the necessary information from.

I only found out when a distant relative said she had a box for me, which she had been holding for many years. Not for me specifically, but a box that was given to her for safekeeping, and to be honest, i think she just wanted rid of it.

I have to say though, i am incredibly impressed that it was kept a secret for so long, and by so many people. I would have blabbed within weeks!

Sometimes children find things out that would hurt and upset other family members and you have to ask them to keep it silent.

When ds was little he accidentally overheard a conversation that told him that somebody we knew had been murdered by her boyfriend. If he had been allowed to talk freely about it, it would have traumatised his younger cousins.

In the same way, he also has had to keep the secret of his sister's MH problems because she hated the thought of it being talked about or known to certain family members. But it was hardly possible to conceal it from him.

My grandmother won't talk about her childhood much because of physical abuse by the auntie who fostered her. I only found out recently she had a brother with Downs Syndrome who spent his life in a home, and that her mother committed suicide.

My family didn't, but my husbands did and still do.

Even now they try and keep information between siblings and expect each other not to tell partners (which of course they all do!)

I know that my cousins have an older sister by their fathers first marriage. Everyone in the family knows, apart from them. In fact I don't think they are even aware that their dad was married before he met their mum.

My mother has mentioned secrets about my grandmother down through the years. When I asked her what they were she said 'I'll tell you when she's dead.' I flipped my lid at her at that point and told her to stuff her stupid secret up her arse - I didn't want to know. Why hold a secret out in front of someone and then say something horrible like that? It's a total powerplay.

IMO many 'secrets' are used as narcissistic playthings. Most people don't give a flying fuck if Johnny was born 3 months after Granny and Grandad got married - but people enjoy knowing something other people don't know and lording it over them. It's ridiculous.

I can see that in some circumstances keeping something from someone until they're older is sensible. That's not a secret as such that's being considerate of someone's needs.

But withholding information because of some weird idea about gossip or some such shit is pathetic.

'I know that my cousins have an older sister by their fathers first marriage. Everyone in the family knows, apart from them. In fact I don't think they are even aware that their dad was married before he met their mum.'

That sort of thing is just totally unforgivable - leaving the people at the centre of a 'secret' entirely in the dark while everyone else around them knows. It is so incredibly unkind that I don't know how anyone could ever justify it.