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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that its wrong to exclude a toddler from toddler group

85 replies

twobabies · 19/03/2007 15:04

I go to a toddler group on Fridays and last week there was an incident with one of the toddlers I think shes just under two. She had been playing and another child took the toy she had been playing with and she tapped him on the arm. Another child then came and tried to take it and she hit him too. I have never seen this child hit before and she is quite a popular member of the group. The mum of this girl got up told her daughter off and made her cuddle both other children she then apoligised to the other mums and took her child away to a quite part of the room. When she came back to join us the leader of the group came over to her and in front of about 4 other mums told her that there was a "behaviour policy" in the group that if a child hit more than twice they would be asked to leave.... The mum seemed quite embarrased and I was quite embarrased for her. She had done everything she could after the incident and the leader acknowledged that these things do happen but that it was to "stop bad feeling between parents". She then went on to add that "this was only the second time that she had had to tell a mother this and that the first one had started crying, left the group and never came back! This mum then quietly left 10mins later. So do you think I am being unreasonable in thinking that this is a ridiculous policy for a toddler group to have? or is this quite common? I would love to know what you would have done had this been you as the mum seemed quite embarrased and then left. By the way this is my first post so hi to all as well!!!

OP posts:
beansprout · 19/03/2007 15:07

Hi and welcome to MN!
Does seem a bit odd to me. Ds would certainly be banned and so would all of his friends! How awful if the mum left thinking that she has a child with behavioural difficulties!

fryalot · 19/03/2007 15:07

Hi twobabies, welcome to mumsnet.

I cannot believe this!!!

It is absolutely awful. All toddlers hit, lash out, bite, kick and are generally not very nice people sometimes! I have no idea if this is common policy at toddler groups, but it isn't at the one I go to and if it were, I wouldn't go any more.

It sounds like the mum did exactly the right thing in the circumstances and everybody could see that.

Spaceman · 19/03/2007 15:09

That is well out of order. At the toddler group I go to the kids sometimes hit each other and the mums are really chilled about it. The other day someone stopped me from breaking up an innocent fight, claiming 'it's okay, they know each other!' The incident at your place could well affect the mum and the child for ages after as it must have been extremely embarrassing. If I were you I would complain. There's no point in adults going over the top and trying to fabricate love and peace when it's just not the real world. Kids will be kids...

americantrish · 19/03/2007 15:11

i've never been to a toddler group where a child has been asked to leave for 'bad behaviour'. :I

i feel quite bad for that mom. its hard ENOUGH being a mom of a toddler. and now she probably feels bad

FredAdair · 19/03/2007 15:12

My daughter would also be out on her ear! She hit twice at a drop-in today and I did all that you've described as well as leaving (it was a 'consequence' I'd talked about). Surely it's about giving children help to get over the terrible twos (learning to share, learning to talk rather than hit, etc), rather than effectively penalising the parent (they might be left with no other social outlet) for 'normal', if undesirable behaviour, of their child.

Caligula · 19/03/2007 15:12

It is absolutely effing ridiculous.

Only in a wanky country with a huge hang up about kids would this be possible.

I just wouldn't go back to such a place.

I just want to swear and swear, so will stop there.

fryalot · 19/03/2007 15:13

yeah, but caligula, what do you really think?

Caligula · 19/03/2007 15:14

Honestly I can't stop

I'd contact the local press to let them know about this policy. This is a playgroup that can't cope with children being children. It should have its funding stopped. Who funds it? Write to them and complain.

clarinsgirl · 19/03/2007 15:14

Best find a new toddler group before you suffer the same indignity! Loonies.

JoanCrawford · 19/03/2007 15:16

Hi twobabies, I think that was totally wrong to exclude the childd, quite ridiculous. I don't know how I would have handled it if they had've asked me to leave. But if I was an observer and I felt it was out of line, I would have left by way of protest. It's a wonder they have any children still in attendence!

RedTartanLass · 19/03/2007 15:16

OMG twobabies, do you know the mum? She must be feeling pretty crap. Poor woman, what a crazy rule!

MrsPhilipGlenister · 19/03/2007 15:17

OMG the poor woman. That's awful.

fishie · 19/03/2007 15:18

hello twobabies

what a horrid incident. was there any discussion after the poor woman was thrown out? 'leader' sounds a right hag too, why was she boasting about making another mum cry? i'd complain about this, or at least seek some clarification from someone else - committee etc as this policy is not reasonable.

twobabies · 19/03/2007 15:21

I am so relieved its not just me who thought this out of order. To be fair to the woman who runs the group she did try to say it in the nicest way possible that she understood there was no malice on the childs part but that it was policy to make things worse I know that this mum has been coming to this group for a long time now and this is I think the first incident with her child.

I would complain but the group is not actually funded by anyone, I think its like a private music group just run by the leader.

OP posts:
beckybrastraps · 19/03/2007 15:22

Barmy.

We would have been social outcasts!

twobabies · 19/03/2007 15:25

Whats more is that I'm now worried about still going because my son has just started getting a bit arsey when toys etc and taken and I really don't think I could stomach being asked to leave in front of everyone. I wonder if you would get your money back???

OP posts:
fishie · 19/03/2007 15:27

sounds a bit of a funny set up, is she insured etc? where is it held? i hate it when there are all sorts of rules etc and nobody ever tells you what they are until you've broken one!

twobabies · 19/03/2007 15:28

And she did also add that she had the policy all typed up and she could show it to the mum if she wanted to read it.

After she left I don't think there was much of a discussion because people weren't really sure if they had heard what they thought they had heard!! One of the other mums did ask her what was going on and she told her and I don't think she could believe it too.

OP posts:
Caligula · 19/03/2007 15:29

Honestly, i would call the local press and shame the wretched woman.

It is the most ridiculous thing I've heard in a long time.

And let's face it, there's more than enough ridiculous things you hear about on mumsnet to be going on with. This takes the biscuit. (Or sausage roll, or quinoa rissole, or whatever.)

I'm sitting here unable to concentrate on work with steam coming out of my ears.

It is a stupid policy. How can it stop ill-feeling among mothers? On the contrary, it encourages adults not to learn how to negotiate the minefield of toddler group politics.

doggiesayswoof · 19/03/2007 15:29

Poor woman. Agree this is a ridiculous policy. Do the leaders actually know anything about toddlers and how they interact normally

FioFio · 19/03/2007 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

doggiesayswoof · 19/03/2007 15:32

At dd's nursery the staff observe and record "normal" toddler behaviour for developmental reports. The normal behaviours include

hitting
biting
pushing
snatching toys
screaming

I mean it is a toddler group ffs

doggiesayswoof · 19/03/2007 15:32

lol Fiofio

Caligula · 19/03/2007 15:32

Lol at Fio.

Does this playgroup leader have children?

foxybrown · 19/03/2007 15:36

presumably its a new policy, or there wouldn't be any toddlers left.

That is the most ridiculous thing I've heard.

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