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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hope this Is just a teenager thing?

92 replies

PookieDo · 06/06/2017 19:31

Im feeling a bit sad right now please go a little bit gently. I am conscious this sounds like I don't like my kids but it is more what can I do so they like me?

My teen DD's (13 and 15) seem to often be repulsed by me. Even writing it makes me feel a bit emotional. There is not much love or affection towards me at all anymore which was to be expected as they get older (less cuddles). The younger one is less like this than the elder one.

But when I speak to them (about anything) they often act like I am irritating and repulsive. When I am eating they leave the room and say they can't bear to sit in the room with me. They even say they don't like the sound of my voice or my laugh. I understand being embarrassing but this is in private so no one else can see. They will help do things if I ask but always complain endlessly and loudly about it and never offer. Sometimes they will make unpleasant remarks about what I am wearing or disparaging comments about me being lazy or greedy.

I've been relentlessly reprimanding them just how rude and hurtful this can be to say something rude to someone who not only loves them but cares for them, but yesterday something just snapped in me and I went to bed at 8pm and just closed my bedroom door and felt like crying.

My eldest isn't really speaking to me because when I explained my feelings were hurt over this and it felt a but like bullying in my own home, she told me I am over reacting.

I really don't like them very much right now even though I love them. Will this pass? What has happened?!!

As background their father (ex, split up 10 years) is absolutely horrible and treated me like this when I had DD2 so I left him

OP posts:
Fluffypinkpyjamas · 06/06/2017 19:35

It is not a teenage thing it is a your DC are being incredibly rude thing. Pull rank, stop doing anything for them and stop putting up with such appalling behaviour. Sorry they are being so awful to you OP, but no, it is not normal.

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2017 19:36

Do they still see their dad?

I think eyerolling and tutting are to be expected with teenagers, but they are bullying you. Are they getting validation for this from their dad or another relative?

missiondecision · 06/06/2017 19:37

2 teens here. Def not a teen thing. It's a spiteful disrespectful thing.

KeepCalm · 06/06/2017 19:37

Holy shit no that is UNACCEPTABLE! My DD is just shy of 14 and wouldn't dare.

I have three girls. This family is a team and whilst we don't always get on brilliantly we all have each other's backs.

You need to remind them of that and start ruling the roost.

So sorry your feeling so hurt Flowers

Allthewaves · 06/06/2017 19:39

I'd be tempted to go on strike. Washing u uniforms only, let them make their own meals, no buying any extras for them or giving money.

Wolfiefan · 06/06/2017 19:40

What is normal is for teens to distance themselves somewhat from their parents. This is to prepare them and you for when they leave home! They may confide in you a bit less and be more private.
Teens are very self conscious. Mine gets embarrassed if I behave in certain ways in public! Blush Any public dancing has him mortified! Grin
Rudeness or disparaging comments about how you behave or dress. No. Not normal. You should issue clear consequences for this.
Don't put guilt on your kids by crying in your room and saying they are bullying you. Be clear and consistent with what you tolerate and consequences issued.

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2017 19:40

It's so horrible when you're the only adult in the house when you're in a situation like this. Nobody has your back.

Leeds2 · 06/06/2017 19:41

Not acceptable behaviour at all. Do you pay for anything for them, phones, wi fi, clothes etc? Or give them lifts? Consider withdrawing some or all services until they can show you some respect.

Original poster
PookieDo · 06/06/2017 19:44

I didn't do it to make them feel guilty. I just was trapped in my own house with this stuff and no where to go. I just wanted to hide, because it got on top of me.

I honestly just leave them in their rooms a lot, I never invade their privacy, I'm open and helpful to them iyswim.

It feels like it has gone too far and I can't pull it back. Punishments don't seem to work, DD1 just seems to dislike me even more. I suppose I may have made the mistake of trying to get them to like me but it's not working

Yeah they still see him and he still behaves like I am a 2nd class citizen

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 06/06/2017 19:48

Fresh start. House rules. Clear consequences when they break those.
It's really hard (ok can feel impossible) not to take rudeness etc personally. But as parents it is our job to set and enforce boundaries.
Perhaps stop letting dad treat you like a second class citizen too.
Head up.
Calm.
Don't let the buggers get you down.
Flowers or would you rather Gin!

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2017 19:49

I think that's where they are learning their disrespect. Certainly if they are critical of you when they are with him, he's not going to disagree.

What a horrible situation.

Do you have many friends? Do you work? How are the girls doing in school?

LindyHemming · 06/06/2017 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2017 19:50

Just a guess - is your ex better off? Does he spend money on the girls?

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2017 19:50

It wouldn't surprise me to hear he spends money on them and doesn't like giving you child support.

Acopyofacopy · 06/06/2017 19:51

Your house, your rules: everybody is being treated with respect and people are polite to each other.
If the rules are broken there should be clear consequences.

Flowers, teenagers are not always fun

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2017 19:54

That's all very well, Acopy, but as the only adult in the house it's not that easy when the girls have got the backing of a man like that.

Original poster
PookieDo · 06/06/2017 19:55

He spends money on them, hates giving me child support, makes inference about what I spend money on, tells kids I'm a cheapskate, is better off than me. All of it. Tells them I'm loud and my house is always messy (it isn't) and that I am always late (I'm not). DD believes all this rhetoric, to her I only spend money on myself, an selfish and disorganised. I've got them to school every day on time for over 10 years by myself.

I repeated to DD what had offended me as she asked what it was she had said this time - and replied that I had made it all up. So I'm a liar too.

Whatever I take away from her she just resents me for it.

DD2 will listen when I talk to her if DD1 isn't there

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 06/06/2017 19:57

I do not allow him to treat me like this it is what he teaches the DD's about me and I can't control it

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 06/06/2017 19:59

He sounds like an arsehole. Sorry OP but he does!
Let them resent you! Mine was in a right strop with me. I said no screen time as a consequence. Long story. Just a day. He "forgot". So I made it two days to see if that would make it sink in. He hated me. Sulked. Quietly mind. He knew if he was rude it would end up being a week of being banned.
Teens are hard. We want to start to have a more grown up relationship with them but so often they act like kids.

squirreltrap · 06/06/2017 19:59

Perhaps she can go and live with her dad for a while

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2017 20:04

Maybe it's time for your elder daughter to move in with her dad. It would give them both a huge reality check. Does she really think he'd keep coming up with treats if she lived there?

Separating your daughters might be the best way of preserving your relationship with your younger daughter.

How would you feel about this? Does your ex live near enough for that to happen?

Original poster
PookieDo · 06/06/2017 20:04

I think she should go there too and she would like to but guess what? He doesn't want her.

DD2 refuses to visit him quite a lot. When DD2 is home with me alone when DD1 visits him it is like Narnia or some twilight zone she becomes a completely different, lovely, polite child all over again.

DD1 can be nice when she is alone with me but it's hit and miss.

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 06/06/2017 20:06

Also not to drip feed - I've tried counselling for us both. I get upset and DD just says she doesn't think anything is wrong. I end up doing all the talking and all the work and she nods her head then forgets everything that we said we would work towards.

OP posts:
friendlyflicka · 06/06/2017 20:06

I know this is difficult but I would actually try to be a bit more teenage and 'whatever' about it myself and try not to take it personally. Say when they treat you like this it doesn't make you keen to give them lifts/give credit/make food, but otherwise be offhand. And try to find some interests in life that make you very happy independent of them. And think about these things when they are being horrible.

I am a single Mum to 2 girls and find detachment and humour work wonders for the atmosphere in our house

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2017 20:08

But bullies never think there's anything wrong!

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