To hope this Is just a teenager thing?

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Im feeling a bit sad right now please go a little bit gently. I am conscious this sounds like I don't like my kids but it is more what can I do so they like me?

My teen DD's (13 and 15) seem to often be repulsed by me. Even writing it makes me feel a bit emotional. There is not much love or affection towards me at all anymore which was to be expected as they get older (less cuddles). The younger one is less like this than the elder one.

But when I speak to them (about anything) they often act like I am irritating and repulsive. When I am eating they leave the room and say they can't bear to sit in the room with me. They even say they don't like the sound of my voice or my laugh. I understand being embarrassing but this is in private so no one else can see. They will help do things if I ask but always complain endlessly and loudly about it and never offer. Sometimes they will make unpleasant remarks about what I am wearing or disparaging comments about me being lazy or greedy.

I've been relentlessly reprimanding them just how rude and hurtful this can be to say something rude to someone who not only loves them but cares for them, but yesterday something just snapped in me and I went to bed at 8pm and just closed my bedroom door and felt like crying.

My eldest isn't really speaking to me because when I explained my feelings were hurt over this and it felt a but like bullying in my own home, she told me I am over reacting.

I really don't like them very much right now even though I love them. Will this pass? What has happened?!!

As background their father (ex, split up 10 years) is absolutely horrible and treated me like this when I had DD2 so I left him

When you're on your own with your younger daughter and it's lovely, do you talk to her about how horrible it is for you the rest of the time?

Yeah they still see him and he still behaves like I am a 2nd class citizen

I agree that this is probably the root of your problem. Can you find a friend IRL who you can get support from or even some counselling? Just having someone in your corner would help

Change wifi password and make access to it dependent on behavior. Same with pocket money, lifts, treats of any kind.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm assuming that DD1 is unaware that her dad doesn't want her to live with him. With that in mind, do you think she perceives the whole situation as you "preventing" her from moving out? If that's the case it might explain the animosity she's feeling towards you. It doesn't excuse the rudeness however!

Sorry yes I work full time but I work good hours so that I can drop/collect them to and from school, or they go home after school and I am not long behind them. They don't mind being home alone for a couple hours, they usually choose not to come to the shops with me or anything which is fine.

I have friends and sometimes go to the gym for an hour in the evenings. I have close family who have witnessed this behaviour and are pretty shocked by it.

I also have a boyfriend of less than a year but he doesn't really feature in DD's lives. I see him when they go to their dads (or they are with my family).

DD2 is straight A student
DD1 is a middling student with a bad attitude towards teachers and I am constantly mortified by phone calls from school about it

hi OP I was a pretty unpleasant teenager myself I'm afraid - I'm now 39 and me and my mum are good friends! She looks back at those days (I'd say age 13 to about 17) in horror. I think pre-16 was the worst time.

I can only imagine how hurtful this is but perhaps what you need is to take a big step back, see the long view and not be drawn into debate over it with your teen. Presumably it's very painful on many levels for your elder daughter to see the divisions between you and your ex -

When I was a teenager my mum was left in a bad situation by my dad - you know what, I blamed her! I resented and blamed her for being sad and unhappy - teenagers are not rational. Your teen will grow up and see that you were the one there for her as my mum was for me.

Keep saying the calm things you are saying but try to rise above it - your daughter is getting sadly mixed messages on kindness from her dad but you will prevail in the end. She won't be like this at 20 I promise.

Everyone here is saying its not normal but to be honest it does remind me of what I was like - and I really did change enormously by the time I got to about sixth form / uni age.

Living with divorced parents is very very painful for teenagers no matter how normal it is become. Their personal identity as a human being is split and divided, the two people they love most (subconsciously if not consciously) are at war and they are torn internally over it.

Many many teenagers are horrible - go over to the teenagers thread to see that. It doesn't mean you should tolerate rudeness just try to see a longer view.

Do you find that their behaviour is worse after seeing him? What happens if he goes on holiday (I bet he doesn't take them with him) and they don't see him for a couple of weeks?

Does he speak to them in between visits?

remember also that your two girls will not have had identical experiences of the family split as they were different ages . I was also the eldest and I felt I took it in a different way to my younger (and also much nicer and better behaved) sister.

I do speak to DD2 sometimes and she is quite mature. She doesn't like her own father very much and doesn't really buy into the stuff he says. She finds him irritating, ignorant and a twat. But when DD1 is around she often behaves the same way, although she is less rude and more likely to apologise

I have nothing useful to suggest but I just wanted to give you a giant hug (sorry MN) because what you're enduring right now sounds rotten when you sound like a lovely mum.
I hope some of the advice you've been given here helps you through this phase, and it does sound like a phase. Chin up, tits out. And in the meantime.

I was exactly like this as a teenager, my mother was sooooooo irritating and her questions 'how was your day?' were the most idiot things in the whole world.

Obviously they weren't but that's how I genuinely felt. She couldn't do anything without making my blood boil.

I knew I was being disgusting but my feelings were genuine, lots of rage and irritation! I'm assuming it's down to hormones. I was raised to be very respectful etc so always felt bad about how I was toward my mum, but literally couldn't help it.

I don't know what to say other than, it got better once I left home and now we speak (cordially) most days and are good friends!

A lot of what people are saying makes a lot of sense. I'm really grateful. I have been taking this badly of late. I think when she was 7 I was doing all this stuff - bonding and consequences for bad behaviour but now she's not far off being an adult and it's just worse than ever.
DD1 knows he doesn't want her living there.

Keep saying the calm things you are saying but try to rise above it - your daughter is getting sadly mixed messages on kindness from her dad but you will prevail in the end. She won't be like this at 20 I promise.

I disagree with this being an absolute. It's 50/50 IMO. I'm glad you and your mum have patched things up between yourselves. However, I've seen cases where the situation just continues on a downward spiral until it reaches a point whereby the only thing left is hate or worse, apathy.

Do you trust them enough to leave them alone in the evenings? I think you need to start forging a new life for yourself.

My DDS were horrible at those ages. Their Father sounds very much like your Ex.
My DDS are 26 and 27 now. They are amazing women with very caring and compassionate souls.
So yes it will pass. And no its not easy where you are now but don't for a minute think you are doing anything wrong

You are being bullied by DD1 and it's being encouraged by her father.

Sounds like DD2 follows suit for an easy life.

Could you suggest to DD1 in a calm and friendly manner so she doesn't feel you're pushing her away that she may prefer to live with her dad if she can't abide your presence in a room. Keep it light and friendly.

That's what I am worried about. I've always been keen to let them live at home until they get on their feet in their careers after school/uni but I would not be able to live with DD1 as an adult if it was like this.

I've been to 2 lots of counselling with her and nothing has really changed. I know I am at fault a lot of the time, I AM over sensitive and I get upset easily, I take things to heart. I'm also a bit resentful of being house-maid to kids who never appreciate me and I might need to get over that. I row back with DD1 when I should not. I'm really trying to just stay out of her way but she sees this withdrawal as her own personal insult and keeps challenging me on it!

Your daughter knows that her dad, no matter what he gives her and how much he backs her up in her verbal assaults on you, doesn't actually want her. She knows that. She also knows that you have done everything for her, day in and day out, all of her life.

She's taking out her rejection on you and of course that's not fair, but if she was horrible to her dad, he'd probably stop talking to her. You are the safe one, the one who'll never leave her.

This sounds pretty awful. I don't know what I'd do and I don't have teens so no real advice, but I really feel for you! Must be so, so hard.
Maybe INSIST that dd1 go live with her dad for a while and mention this every single time she does this, alongside turning off wifi etc; if he is poisoning her like this, maybe he could either stop seeing them altogether or have them for 6 months and see what it's like?
I don't suppose social services involvement would help or be offered given that your dd1 is also having trouble at school?
Must be so tempting to just disengage, but they're your dds.
It sounds like if you can manage to sort out the issues with dd1, dd2 will probably be sorted as well.

OK, let's think what you can do to make things work with the girls.

What are they interested in? Do they like films? TV? Sport? Beauty treatments?

What are you interested in? I think it's important for you to have your own interests.

Wouldn't it be good if your daughter could read this thread?

they are bullying you.

I am so sorry that they are treating you like this. I had a son and went theough 'normal' teenage stuff and have only experienced teenage girl behaviour at school (I was a teacher). They could be so nasty and one or two would express contempt and disrespect which I dealt with using the discipline policy.

You need to make sure that they know that their behaviour is completely unacceptable and apply the sanctions you would for any other poor behaviour.

Its much easier when you are in a professional role though!

What friendlyflicka said at the bottom of page 1 is really sensible.

I've had similar with mine a few years ago and Imperial is right that they're taking it out on you as you are the only parent they can rely on and know that you won't reject them for bad behaviour (and in fact the only parent they love). It is very tough but I had strict boundaries and tried my best to remain calm when they were being rude etc. You are doing v well so hang on in there - you sound a brilliant mother! They will come through it (soon hopefully!) and as I'm sure you know don't even hint at anything derogatory about their father (my ex is a complete narcissist and whilst the children now realise the full extent of his evilness I wouldn't even agree with what they now say about him and just say mmmmm!). Huge hugs and try to stay as calm as possible at all times.

Have a very unmumsnetty hug from me. I want to come and give them a talking to for you!