To hope this Is just a teenager thing?

[PookieDo]

Im feeling a bit sad right now please go a little bit gently. I am conscious this sounds like I don't like my kids but it is more what can I do so they like me?

My teen DD's (13 and 15) seem to often be repulsed by me. Even writing it makes me feel a bit emotional. There is not much love or affection towards me at all anymore which was to be expected as they get older (less cuddles). The younger one is less like this than the elder one.

But when I speak to them (about anything) they often act like I am irritating and repulsive. When I am eating they leave the room and say they can't bear to sit in the room with me. They even say they don't like the sound of my voice or my laugh. I understand being embarrassing but this is in private so no one else can see. They will help do things if I ask but always complain endlessly and loudly about it and never offer. Sometimes they will make unpleasant remarks about what I am wearing or disparaging comments about me being lazy or greedy.

I've been relentlessly reprimanding them just how rude and hurtful this can be to say something rude to someone who not only loves them but cares for them, but yesterday something just snapped in me and I went to bed at 8pm and just closed my bedroom door and felt like crying.

My eldest isn't really speaking to me because when I explained my feelings were hurt over this and it felt a but like bullying in my own home, she told me I am over reacting.

I really don't like them very much right now even though I love them. Will this pass? What has happened?!!

As background their father (ex, split up 10 years) is absolutely horrible and treated me like this when I had DD2 so I left him

Not talking to you? Does it make me a shit parent if I admit that sometimes I am slightly relieved that my kids aren't talking to me for an hour or two? Rather that that shouting and yelling!
I am NO expert but have you heard of oppositional defiance disorder (if that's even the right name?) I can't tell if her behaviour is a result of the situation or suggests something underlying?
School don't sound much help! It's not about labels but about knowing the best strategies to cope (and sometimes a "label" can lead to this.)

Had a similar situation with my stepson. I was in his life from two and father would spill poison about his mother every opportunity. They rarely saw one another, advent of internet lead to DSS being disruptive, violent, destructive, kicked out of school. It took them living together, for all of two months, at age 15 for DSS to realise just how the land lay.

I think your eldest may need a similar life-lesson. It was heartbreaking to watch him go through it. They've not spoken for six years, DSS sees father as scum and essentially wishes he was dead.

It does get easier. Punishments did nothing for DW and I, just made fallout worse.

Can I be honest I wonder deep down if she has borderline personality disorder. Sometimes dealing with her is like you are in the matrix it is so confusing and twists and turns to her emotions, I can never keep up with what does make her feel happy, or what is right with boundaries because they shift and change. Not sure I am explaining this correctly. All the advice about boundaries is great, and I am not some soft old tart who has none. The amount of effort I have to put into the boundaries is phenomenal and she is constantly trying to break them down. So I need new ones because the old ones don't work. I don't know if that is my weakness (wanting her to like me wanting to make her happy) or because something else is wrong that I haven't worked out yet. I have the same rules as I have always had but she is fighting them/me constantly and as her mother I do want to make things better but I need her to try too.

Partly I wondered if this was normal teenage behaviour because I remember being a teenager and it was shit. I also have separated parents and that was shit too. I was an angry kid myself at times. I have sympathy for her for many of these reasons

Actually that's something I forgot, DSS has autism, only just picked up on in the last 12 months (21 now). His primary head suspected it but getting a diagnosis was impossible, even after he suggested to a dr if he had a gun how he'd kill his sibling, in graphic detail!

Good luck OP

So she wanted to leave and she ramped up her behaviour to get what she wanted and then won?

You need to detach. She says she doesn't care? You say excellent, turn to Dd2/your mum and say 'do you fancy a game of monopoly'. Or something equally time consuming and non emotive. Be relentlessly 'normal' and give rudeness no reaction or reward.

Kids break boundaries. They do.
She switches and twists and turns. But so do you. Different consequences. She acts up and things shift. She's unsettled and so acts up more.
Can you agree some very basic rules together? Don't sweat the small stuff. And maybe allow her to have some say?
She sounds desperately unhappy but also very hard to live with. But only an expert could diagnose.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this and I think you're obviously trying hard, especially having been to counselling with her. Something you said about her not caring about accessing the Internet and her never seeing her friends made me wonder if she's actually just crying out for help or just deeply unhappy? Does she have friends? Do they come round? Could she be being bullied and just be very angry and unhappy? This could also explain her behaviour at school? (I could obviously have read that wrong and be way off the mark!)

SHe does sound pretty unhappy. If she dislikes school ( I sympathise with that) then imagine from her point of view it's like being in a job you hate with no friends there and no way out.

Is there anything in life she enjoys? Does she have friends?

She has friends but she is on the outside of the groups. She can be very funny and lovely but her short fuse has not won her too many friends. I also think she has found it hard lessons to learn with other girls because she has fallen into the trap of bitching about girls to other girls then being branded a gossip. Her bad behaviour in school doesn't endear other parents to want their kids hanging out with my kid. She has claimed bullying a few times but school have always told a different story, that she goes out of her way to wind people up then gets upset when they retaliate.

She's always permanently scowling and pessimistic. Sometimes she is a bit happy but usually over being bought things/possessions more than a warm fuzzy feeling of doing a good deed or being kind.

She does care about the Internet she just doesn't want to show me she does.

We have rules/routines that are the same every day. The main rule is be polite and kind to each other (broken daily), use manners, clear up after yourself, no internet after 9pm or before school, set chores for pocket money, do homework on time when it is due etc etc

Consequences are usually the same: no pocket money no internet no phone

Also she is banned from using the internet freely (and I have a filter) and only Apps I approve can go on her phone/iPad and I have all passwords. Because she can't be trusted in the past having done stupid things on social media

Oh lovely it's bloody hard when you have s good dad to have your back but must be so so hard without.

All I can say is my 4 were pretty vile at 13/15 and now at 28/27/18/18 they are different people xxx

She sounds very similar to my eldest DD. its shit and you have my sympathy, I'm waiting for her to leave home tbh I think we'll both be happier but can't see it happening for a long time. She's desperately jealous of her siblings and the fact that we have a better relationship but refuses to see that the way she is towards me has anything to do with it. It's like she's constantly testing my love for her and I'm failing but tbh I'm giving up, I do love her but it's very unrewarding being her mum. Wish I had some words of wisdom to offer.

Teenagers are just toddlers inside, they look like adults but their brains have not fully formed yet, and wont until age 25. Their behaviour can be horrible. Even with straight As, they are still just children when it comes to emotions.

This must be really hard but maybe you could try to rise above it, don't take it personally, they are being childish.

It takes 2 to argue and if you don't want to argue just perhaps leave the house or go away from her till she calms down. Don't give the rudeness any attention, if she starts being rude just ignore her completely.

Maybe you won't be able to get her to tidy her room or whatever it is you ask, but it might not be worth arguing about. Just ask again later and leave it to her to decide.

Is she always like this? Could you just say 'you seem to have your rude head on today' and just try to see the rudeness as an affliction which she can't help, implying it is not part of her actual personality?

You are doing all the right things - I'm sorry but it just will take time till she comes round - you can only hold firm meantime (easier said then done I know!).

Lots of your DD's behaviour is the same as our DD's behaviour.

We've started seeing Camhs now and they've agreed with us that our DD is asd,we have 5DC and our DS15 and DD9 are both asd.

Have a look at this link,this is what our DD is being assesed for
www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/pda.aspx

I really hope you find some practical support and help,I know how exhausting and alone this can all make you feel sometimes.

not RTFT but
I have a teen and a pre-teen who can be vile at times so know how you feel.
Eldest has commented on my weight before in the past. Not in a nice way. So know where you're coming from.
Keep firm boundaries, you're the one in charge. Nice, always there for them, but fair and with consequences such as lack of wifi or whatever,

www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/Things-Girls-Need-Most-Interactive/0008146799/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1496797851&sr=8-1&keywords=10+things+girls+need+most&tag=mumsnetforum-21

Try this book. 10 Things Girls Need Most

It explains in this book where your dds are developmentally. It gives practical advice for how to tackle each life stage. I know your daughters have been through a lot of the stages. The book explains it's not too late to go back and fix things. Someone mentioned upthread teenagers are toddlers and the book says the same thing. From memory, I think to get their second baby age, you subtract 12 off their actual age. This makes your eldest dd around 3.

I was the angry girl on the outside, full of angst, rejected and confused. Reading this makes me think of me as a teenager. I hated myself, I had done since I was a little tiny girl. Unlike me, your daughter is so lucky because she has a mum, who cares about her emotional wellbeing and is seeking help. My mother is highly narcissistic. My father was very self centred and and largely absent before he died when I just turned 16. It is incredibly confusing and angry making to be the child of a narcissist. Your dds are children of a narcissist and dd1 is golden child with dd2 as scapegoat (I assume). Right now at 15 (3), she's lapping it up. This is normal at her age. Her younger sister is 13 (1) so it's normal to copy her sister.

I really think you should read this book and try starting again with your dd. All I wanted at that confusing age was to be scooped up and held and rocked, adored and kissed to get the love, I didn't get as a tiny child. I don't know if your dd will let you do this. She has built up massive defences against the world to protect herself from the pain she is feeling, which you will need to penetrate first with consistent messages of how much you love her and that nothing she can say or do will change that.