To hope this Is just a teenager thing?

[PookieDo]

Im feeling a bit sad right now please go a little bit gently. I am conscious this sounds like I don't like my kids but it is more what can I do so they like me?

My teen DD's (13 and 15) seem to often be repulsed by me. Even writing it makes me feel a bit emotional. There is not much love or affection towards me at all anymore which was to be expected as they get older (less cuddles). The younger one is less like this than the elder one.

But when I speak to them (about anything) they often act like I am irritating and repulsive. When I am eating they leave the room and say they can't bear to sit in the room with me. They even say they don't like the sound of my voice or my laugh. I understand being embarrassing but this is in private so no one else can see. They will help do things if I ask but always complain endlessly and loudly about it and never offer. Sometimes they will make unpleasant remarks about what I am wearing or disparaging comments about me being lazy or greedy.

I've been relentlessly reprimanding them just how rude and hurtful this can be to say something rude to someone who not only loves them but cares for them, but yesterday something just snapped in me and I went to bed at 8pm and just closed my bedroom door and felt like crying.

My eldest isn't really speaking to me because when I explained my feelings were hurt over this and it felt a but like bullying in my own home, she told me I am over reacting.

I really don't like them very much right now even though I love them. Will this pass? What has happened?!!

As background their father (ex, split up 10 years) is absolutely horrible and treated me like this when I had DD2 so I left him

Thank you all so much for being kind to me.

I do feel like I have to say something when a DC repeats something he's said that is racist/homophobic/ out of The Sun because it is so far UKIP for my liking and I just do not want them to believe that kind of thing is ok!

Sadly I am not even sure DD1 would get anything from a thread like that I do not think she relates the 2 together, she probably does idolise him a lot and want his approval. He treats her very well and clearly she doesn't feel like I do the same, she's jealous of DD2 (who isn't treated half as nicely by her father?!!). He never punishes or reprimands DD1 and she is a golden girl to him.

So we have sibling jealously in the mix as well. DD1 will not believe for one moment her behaviour is as bad as I portray so we end up in a battle of wills where no one will back down. Usually I back down because life is too short

I probably do more things with DD1 in a sad frantic attempt at trying to get her to like me. We watch films/shows and do things she wants quite often.

I do go out and do have a social life but also I like to go to bed quite early and am happy at home (when it is not a war zone that is).

Honestly they're old enough to pick up after themselves,cook they're own food,do they're own laundry ect so stop doing all of those things for them.

Explain that just like them you have thoughts and feelings and that if your not treated with the respect you deserve then you won't continue to bend over backwards doing things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves.

If they call you names,try to slate you about the way you eat ect don't speak to them(send them to Conventry)it's bloody hard and if your as soft as I am it will feel bloody awful for a long while whilst your doing it but it can work!

My Mum had to do that with her oldest Son and it worked(and he was a nasty arsehole)I've had to do it with my DD14,it's been bloody hard, but both me and her have learned the hard way that when she was being really awful to me and I carried on being really nice to her and doing everything for her it just prolonged it all and it was horrendous.

Now it feels like were starting to come out the other side,it's been hard and there's been tears from both of us.But we are getting there and it's alot better now than it had been for years.

Trying to get her to like you.
Back down
Him!
That's the problems.
Hard (impossible it may feel) you need to take your feelings out of the mix! Look back at your posts. You have written loads more about how you feel than about how she behaves.
Focus on actions. What she does. How you respond. Not how you feel about it.
Does that make sense?
You are in a really difficult position.
But she's struggling too. Her dad doesn't want her. He's not a consistent and caring responsible father figure. He may buy her stuff but she clearly can't count on him. She wants his approval so she can't act up and say how she feels.
School can chuck her out.
You are the only place she can express uncertainty and upset and explode in safety. You back down. You meet her emotion with emotion. So she's more uncertain and the emotional atmosphere gets more and more heightened.
I think some of that makes sense!
Interesting information about teens. It can take until about mid 20s for the part of the brain that controls reason and understanding of consequences to develop. Teens are emotional and impulsive.
Be clear, consistent and calm.
On the outside at least!!
It's hard dealing with teens. Being a single parent makes it harder. Having an ex who undermines you makes it harder still.
Why wouldn't we be kind? You're trying your best in a really hard situation.

Sorry for all any mistakes in my post,really ill(and disabled) at the moment.

It really does make sense. I do meet her emotions with more emotions and then she gets more emotional!
We are actually very alike in many ways.

I am so USED to this behaviour from her it isn't new, it's been since she was very little. It's just now more and more twisted towards personal insults and revulsion against me that is why I am feeling so emotional about it almost like a wall I can't get over.

So usually in the scenario she will begin by making a demand at me (not of, at) about something she wants. This is usually food/money/a lift home. I do not bow to this I tell her to be patient or ask nicely. After school she is often in a horrible mood. She dislikes most of the teachers and I don't take her side if she is in the wrong.
Usually she will then be doing the demanding rude behaviour whilst I am cooking/clearing up after work and I am not giving her any of my free time. So often I will stop what I am doing to give her the attention she wants.
Then I don't know what triggers it all the time but usually it is me asking something of her will start this nasty behaviour. So I might ask her to pick up her things or do the chores I pay her pocket money for. She will kick off at me with rudeness and I will then get into a row with her about how rude she has been. She denies saying it and calls me more names.
She will storm off. Eating alone and being more rude. Sometimes she will apologise.
DD2 hates these arguments so stays in her room.

They are safe with you, you're their rock, so all their pent up hurt, anger and frustration is vented at you. Not fair, not justified, but that's what it is. And the root of all that is the break up of their family home. They won't vent at dad, because he's not their rock.

Sounds unfair? Yep, absolutely, but that's what it is.

So, like a lot of us single parents of teens, you are hurt, angry and worn down.

Set boundaries. He treated you poorly, your bar is low because of it. That's understandable, but fixable. Raise that bar. Calmly and repeatedly, call them up on every single hurtful comment. Let them learn that their hurtful behaviour will have consequences. Don't justify, "because I say so" will suffice. They'll rebel, you stay resolute, they will accept and respect you for having standards.

This will pass. Detach from the emotional side and manage this. They will react to your emotions, if you're cool, in control and appear indifferent, they have nothing to react to.

The row is the attention she craves!
She's using more and more extreme insults etc to try and get that attention.
Don't stop. Refuse to engage until she's calm and pleasant. Move away if you have to. (I gave teen DS a list of things he could try when he felt angry. Because teens do get angry and the brain development can stop them giving a reasoned reaponse!)
Do pick your battles too. DS has a lovely big bedroom. We extended the house partly for this reason. The deal was he should keep it tidy. Well it is. Sort of. Unless you look under the bed! Every few months I drag everything out and dump it on the bed and ask him to put it away. If I made him keep his whole room immaculate all the time we would have WW3. Used to be worse. Used to struggle to get through the door!

Or recently we went to visit my mum. She didn't want to be there as it's was boring so was insulting and rude to me until I had to leave.

No!
You pull her up on her behaviour.
You're the adult. You leave when you want to.
Take back control OP.

And then what? What consequence did she face for being rude? What did you do whilst she was being rude or were you scared to say something in case she kicked off?

I'm at the point where she wants it: I can't ask for anything at all, because I will get cruelly insulted. Anything she ever does is only ever on her own terms. It's so difficult because I want us to be a team who helps each other. She hardly has any 'jobs' and gets plenty of free time to herself. I pick my battles wisely, try not to argue back and she will push and push and I crack

No at my mums I warned her it was unacceptable and even my mum told her it was out of line. She said she did not care. I removed her phone. She said she did not care. I told her that I would leave when I was ready. Then she told me no wonder I was fat because I never stop eating (I was eating a snack at the time) and at that point I just stood up put my shoes on, apologised to my mum and got in the car. I couldn't face her doing that in front of my mum and DD2 any longer

So you understandably left because you couldn't face a scene at your mum's. Fine, I get that. So what happened when you got home? Hopefully she lost internet access, her phone and was grounded for a week? And you treated her with detachment until she apologised?

I'm not being harsh, I brought up three teens on my own and know what you're going through, and I teach KS4

She has no devices to access the Internet at the moment. Apparently she doesn't care about that either!

She never goes out with her mates anyway so can't ground her.

She has not apologised because she says I am lying and she didn't say anything like that

Why did you punish the "I don't care?!" she is just trying to not lose face and to provoke a response. Which she got.
She's rude.
Remove phone. Teen muttering.
She's rude again.
Phone will stay out of her use for an extra day. Ignore teenage muttering.
I couldn't face.... Again it's your feelings. You need to face it. Everytime you cave in she realises she can get her own way!

The last time I declined to put HER song on during a long car journey, as I was listening to something, she threatened to get out of the car on a motorway and has done this a few times so I have had to resort to putting the childlocks back on the rear doors of the car

Don't force an apology. She clearly isn't going to back down as it is.

Partly I cannot face my mum in that situation she makes things worse, bless her. She starts to argue with DD and then it is a 3 way row. It's so unhelpful

Have school mentioned any behavioural concerns. Threats sound very extreme.

I cannot face.
Again! It's not about your feelings.
She starts to argue? You tell her to stop and let you be the parent!

She says you're lying. Irrelevant, doesn't matter, ignore.
Stay firm, disengage. She wants a row, she wants to get a rise from you.

Feign indifference, cold shoulder, take control, asset yourself, and repeat.

She's not talking to me anyway so I am just staying out of her way. Although she called me a weirdo who needed to see a doctor I did just ignore it and didn't rise to it for once!

School say her behaviour can be odd sometimes, so defiant and rude and almost explosive. The last time I self referred to CAMHS for counselling I asked about ADHD (after filling out all the questionnaires) and they wishy washed a vague answer about 'not needing labels' and then gave her CBT during which they asked me to be present, she didn't really engage.

I cannot face.
Again! It's not about your feelings.
She starts to argue? You tell her to stop and let you be the parent!

Ok I probably should have said my mum makes this worse by arguing with DD and me in a bid to try to jell and then it becomes a 3 person argument and this is so unhelpful so I left before it escalated into that

*help
Not jell

I have 2 daughters like this. Do people really stop doing their chores, washing etc. What about school uniform? They won't eat what I cook because it's not what they want at that I'm etc and then demand money to go out and eat. I don't give them any money but then I worry they are hungry or they raid the fridge and cupboards trashing the kitchen whilst I'm sleeping!