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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to start a job that dh doesn't want me to do?

100 replies

Shloooooob · 06/06/2017 16:06

I'm torn.
I've been a sahm for years now, dh has worked hard at his career within that time but does have to work away a lot of the time. His career has always come first.
Now I'm getting bored of being at home all the time and feel ready to start work again. I've been really lucky in that I've been offered a weekend job already. It's nothing amazing, clearing tables and some reception work for minimum wage, but as far as I'm concerned it's a start and I won't have to pay for childcare.
The problem is that DH isn't keen on me going. He's upset that we won't be able to see each other much and is worried it will put a strain on our relationship.

I can understand his worries and I do genuinely feel sad that we won't have as much family time, but then the selfish part of me thinks it's his turn to do some childcare while I go and work.

Now I've written it I'm not sure what I want from posting this. I guess I'm a bit scared of starting something new and worried I'm doing the wrong thing.

OP posts:
DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 06/06/2017 16:07

I think he doesn't want to do childcare.

livingthegoodlife · 06/06/2017 16:08

I think it's a good idea but working both days of the weekend? I think that will put a strain on family life, when will you do things altogether as a family? Maybe just work one day? I think he is unreasonable to not encourage you in some form though.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 06/06/2017 16:09

Would you be working all weekend?

I can see his point if so. When would you spend time together?

acquiescence · 06/06/2017 16:09

What are the hours, how long will you be away from your family?

DarkFloodRises · 06/06/2017 16:11

YANBU.

Sit down with him and have a proper chat. Explain that you really, really want to go back to work. Tell him you know the hours aren't ideal, but you don't want to turn this opportunity down as it's getting your foot back on the employment ladder, and you'll switch to non-weekend hours as soon as you can. Tell him how much this means to you. Remind him how you've always supported his career. Ask him not to stand in your way.

Try to be calm and not let it turn into an argument if you possibly can.

Good luck with your new job OP!

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 06/06/2017 16:11

If you're working both days at the weekend then I am inclined to say I agree with him. I don't think it is as much not wanting to do childcare but you would never see each other.

fluffandsnuff · 06/06/2017 16:11

Are your DC school age or younger? Do you get time to be anything other than Mummy right now?

Original poster
Shloooooob · 06/06/2017 16:13

It would Saturday and Sunday but I wouldn't have to do every single weekend.
It's not great but there are no other hours I could do really. He can't be relied upon for any childcare at all during the week and my youngest doesn't start full time school for another 2 years. I couldn't afford to pay for childcare and can't wait 2 more years.

OP posts:
BTPlonker · 06/06/2017 16:14

I see his point on that job, as long as he is prepared to compromise, and maybe look at cutting his hours, or asking for some flexible working so that you can work some of the time he currently works.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 06/06/2017 16:14

What hours are you working?

Much better to do one day at the weekend or weekday evenings. It's reasonable to have one family day each week

Original poster
Shloooooob · 06/06/2017 16:15

Well I could wait 2 years to return to work, but I don't want to. I'm bored stiff and want to feel like I actually do something.

OP posts:
Cafecat · 06/06/2017 16:15

I'm a SAHM as well and have been for some years, but if I did return to work in some form it would be during the school day. If you don't want to pay for childcare and you're not desperate for the money, could you not wait until then?
It's fair enough if he's been at work all week (not sure how tiring / stressful his job is, of course) that he would want to relax at weekends and have some family time, rather than being left with the kids. Would you work all day both days?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 06/06/2017 16:16

So your plan is to do weekend shift for 2 years? Unless he can alter his hours during the week which is probably unlikely as you said he works away then I really can see why he is worried about spending no time with you.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 06/06/2017 16:18

I have worked weekends (and evenings) in the past when we needed the money but wanted to save on childcare/no childcare was available for ASD DS1.

There are pros and cons TBH. The main positive is that, like you say, you get to leave the house, meet different people and earn a wage into the bargain.

The main negatives were lack of family time and being almost permanently knackered. You will be doing sole childcare 5 days per week & then working 2 days per week. DH will be doing sole childcare 2 days per week & working 5 days per week. Neither of you will have a day off or a day when you are sharing childcare. It is definitely more exhausting.

IME it made for grumpy adults and, being perfectly honest, we did drift apart somewhat because we had no quality time together.

That said, lots of families do have this arrangement, either through choice or necessity, and I'm sure it works fine for many. For me personally though, I wouldn't do it again unless I absolutely had to.

Original poster
Shloooooob · 06/06/2017 16:20

My mil would be my boss so there would be some leeway in how often I work. The shifts would be a 9-5 set up.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'll go crazy if I have to wait another 2 years.

OP posts:
Squishedstrawberry4 · 06/06/2017 16:21

Work evenings or one day at the weekend?

stitchglitched · 06/06/2017 16:21

Why are childcare costs your responsibility? If your DH has a good career can he not afford childcare so that you can work some weekdays?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 06/06/2017 16:22

Just to add - if your child starts school in 2019, then won't he or she be eligible for the 30 hours free childcare from 2018? i.e. from age 3?

Unless you've already counted that in & he or she actually starts Reception in 2020.

wiselyvanilla · 06/06/2017 16:24

I'd look for a supermarket shift job.
Normally later in the evening and then one day at the weekend.
Tesco normally have quite family friendly shifts, if you can summon up the energy in the evening?
Good luck! :Smile

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 06/06/2017 16:24

stitch has an excellent point.

Could MIL offer you any weekday shifts at all & DH pay the childcare bill?

Afterthestorm · 06/06/2017 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rinkydinkypink · 06/06/2017 16:24

Try it and see. If it doesn't work you can always hand your notice in!

Cafecat · 06/06/2017 16:25

I was also wondering why childcare costs would be your responsibility. Don't you have a joint account?
The thing is OP, if you take job this you will still be with the DC 5 days a week, only more exhausted because you won't even have the weekends to semi-recuperate.

wiselyvanilla · 06/06/2017 16:25

Those suggesting daytime work, don't forget about school holidays.
Trying to pay for that could bring financial pressure.

Xmasbaby11 · 06/06/2017 16:26

Why can't you afford childcare? 2 is a good age to start nursery and when he's 3 he'll get some free hours anyway.

I can see his point not wanting you to work weekends - seems a shame to limit family time - surely it's the 5 weekdays on your own with your ds you want to cut down?