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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to start a job that dh doesn't want me to do?

100 replies

Shloooooob · 06/06/2017 16:06

I'm torn.
I've been a sahm for years now, dh has worked hard at his career within that time but does have to work away a lot of the time. His career has always come first.
Now I'm getting bored of being at home all the time and feel ready to start work again. I've been really lucky in that I've been offered a weekend job already. It's nothing amazing, clearing tables and some reception work for minimum wage, but as far as I'm concerned it's a start and I won't have to pay for childcare.
The problem is that DH isn't keen on me going. He's upset that we won't be able to see each other much and is worried it will put a strain on our relationship.

I can understand his worries and I do genuinely feel sad that we won't have as much family time, but then the selfish part of me thinks it's his turn to do some childcare while I go and work.

Now I've written it I'm not sure what I want from posting this. I guess I'm a bit scared of starting something new and worried I'm doing the wrong thing.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 06/06/2017 16:52

A hobby would still require time away from childcare if not the home, and wouldn't bring in any money.

ijustwannadance · 06/06/2017 16:53

She's with her kids all bloody week, her downtime would be the 9-5 away from them! Why is that so hard for people to grasp?

For some, being 24/7 mum is just too much. A long distance course? That just means she still gets no child free time and has to use her evenings to study alone. What's the point?

wiselyvanilla · 06/06/2017 16:54

I also think that masses of us work at weekends nowadays.
It isn't the sacred time of yesteryear.
It isn't healthy to stay home if you want to get out. The feeling of getting out may cancel out the negatives of less 'all together' family time. I honestly don't think its safe to have big work gaps. Anything on there looks better , than nothing when you start to look for something else.
I believe the fact you're wanting to work, shows you something about yourself and your situation.

BluePeppers · 06/06/2017 16:54

Do it!

I agree that his worries are that there wont be anyone at home to look after the dcs (as a guess, he has never been on his onw for that length of time with them), he will have to cook, do the washing (incl all the one he has left over from his trips during the week!) etc...

Even if you dont do it for years, just 6 months having to juggle everything will do him a lot of good and will (should) help him understand what you are re;ally doing.
He shoould be much willing to support you working after that, whatever the time/days yoou are doing.

WooWooSister · 06/06/2017 16:54

YANBU to start a job that he doesn't entirely support. But I'd be concerned about the practicalities of this particular job. 1) how can you commit to working if your DH often works away - how will you manage childcare when he's away? 2) working with your MIL may be strain on your relationship with MIL; your DH's relationship with MIL and your relationship with DH.
tbh I wouldn't take this job because it's with MIL but I'd have a long chat with DH to make it clear that your re-entry into the workplace isn't a negotiable.

IHateUncleJamie · 06/06/2017 16:55

When my DH worked shifts and I worked weekdays we were like ships in the night. We only had one w/e in four as a family and even that was hard. I would never do it out of choice.

Unless you really don't enjoy spending time at the weekends as a family, then personally I would not choose to work both weekend days. One's ok. Couldn't your MIL give you one day plus one evening?

Either that or I agree, do a distance learning course?

roundaboutthetown · 06/06/2017 16:55

How long have you been a SAHM, OP, and what did you do before? Tbh, weekends, 9-5, sounds a little bit crap as a job opportunity to me for a job that sounds like it could rapidly get simultaneously tiring and boring. I can see the attraction if you get on really well with mil and there is scope for flexibility and weekends off, though - to build confidence, provide stimulation that is not family-focused, put on your cv for the future, etc. If there is really no other way you can get around the childcare issue for your youngest child, I would keep working on your dh and make him understand how you feel. I'm sure he could make more effort to get home at a reasonable time on more days during the week if he had to in order to help ensure quality time with his whole family. Or you could find something else to occupy your time for the next year or two that might increase your chances of a better paid job later on? (Or use the money you earn at weekends to fund a self-study, distance learning course during the week, so he can't argue it's pointless to do it for minimum wage when the family doesn't even need the money?).

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/06/2017 16:56

I am with the very first poster. He doesnt want to do childcare.

As far as he is concerned weekends are for relaxing and he cant do that if he is in sole charge, and is conveniently forgetting that if the OP didnt do that during the week then he couldnt do his job.

BluePeppers · 06/06/2017 16:56

Re advice about taking a distance course or a hobby, you do realise this would mean the OP having to make all the effort whilst her dh will realisable say he cant help/isnt available/is so tired/this is family time so no you cant do your essay at the weekend?

Purplepicnic · 06/06/2017 16:58

What about a bar or restaurant job a couple of evenings a week?

donajimena · 06/06/2017 16:59

Do it.

BluePeppers · 06/06/2017 17:00

Fwiw i did someting similar.
Was out of the huse every other weekend for ther whole weekend for work. The rest of time at home whilst dh was at work/away for work.

It did us a hell of a lot of good as
1- it forced him to bond with the dcs in a way that he hadnt done (never needed to be really there for them!0
2- he had to actually do what I have been doiung day in and day out and he strated to appreciate how hard it was, and how challenging being with two young dcs could be
3- it forced him to take some responsibility for the dcs, to think about the could or couldnt do, think ahead about food/tiredness etc...

Wo thos three years living like this, we would have been separated tbh.

happypoobum · 06/06/2017 17:00

I would do it.

If it doesn't work out you can ask MIL if you can drop down to one day or work both days but just the morning or afternoon.

It will do DH good to see how hard you work as a SAHP.

roundaboutthetown · 06/06/2017 17:00

The best thing about having one parent SAH or working very part time is the extra time available to spend as a family, though. So low pay in a very part-time, very low paid job but still not much family time all together because of the hours of the part-time job is a bit of a bum deal if it is avoidable!

EmNetta · 06/06/2017 17:02

Voluntary work could get you out of the house and ease you into paid work later, without taking over most weekends.

scottishdiem · 06/06/2017 17:05

If you are looking for something different then instead of that job - try something like the Open University?

Also, if genuinley cant change his hours (been there, done that) then you have to be prepared for not seeing him all that much. Do you currently do things at the weekend together and as a family? If the answer is no and that he buggers off to do stuff on his own for him then he is being unreasonable. Not such much if that is family time you have decided to drop.

Also, whatever it was he does during the weekend, be prepared for less of it to be done as he looks after the children.

roundaboutthetown · 06/06/2017 17:06

Clearing tables all day, 9-5, sounds a lot more boring than a weekend with the family, I have to say. You could end up being bored at home all week, bored at work and never having any fun at all!

DarkFloodRises · 06/06/2017 17:07

He's got a choice.

Either he pays for childcare so you can work in the week (it's not pointless if it builds your self esteem and gets you back into employment), or he accepts that you won't be around some weekends.

You being bored rigid at home for another two years is not fair and NOT an option.

caffeinestream · 06/06/2017 17:08

I have to say, I wouldn't voluntarily take a job that meant I'd never/rarely spend a day with my partner and children altogether. I can see it putting a strain on your relationship after a while - where's the quality time?

I occasionally work weekends and DP works Mon-Fri. Even without kids, when I work 2/3 weekends in a row I miss quality time with him. I don't think it's necessarily about not wanting to do childcare.

Are there no other options? Working from home or paying for childcare so you can work weekdays?

mygorgeousmilo · 06/06/2017 17:08

If you can afford it, can you do some form of training until your youngest is at school? It would be good for your desire to do something, there may be some crèche or childcare options or evening study, and you wouldn't lose your family weekends? I wouldn't be happy if my husband did this to be honest. I do know the feeling that you're having, of itching to go out there and do something, but this doesn't seem like the best use of anyone's time.

Iamsounreasonable · 06/06/2017 17:13

Just do it. You aren't committing to doing this forever. If in a few months you don't enjoy it you can stop / get a different job. It's so much easier to get a job when you already have one.

howabout · 06/06/2017 17:15

Could your MIL do some babysitting to give you a break during the week instead of offering you a minimum wage drudge job to give her a break and keep both you and your DH under her control? (I may be overly cynical)

BluePeppers · 06/06/2017 17:23

But where is the quality tome for the OP atm?
She is dealing with the dcs all day, plus evenings (as he is away). Then she is still deal;ing with them at the weekend. Weekends are only relaxing when they have a different routine to your normal day to day. Which isnt the case for the OP.
I know I felt that weekdays and weekends just blended into each other and there was no difference in between. Just the same drudgery all day long.
Very different when you are working and you actually have a break in the routine, where yu are and what you are doing.

Re 'family time'
Seeing that the OP NEEDS a change of scenery and starts working again (adult situation, adult talk etc etc), if her DH is so keen on protecting family time, why isnt he doig his best to allow her to get that break during the week?
By accepting that some money needs to be paid for childcare, by checking that he can change work/his ways of working to be more supportive for his dw etc...?

Fwiw if the OP does a course with the OU, she wont get the adult company she craves. She will also end up working in the evening (impossible during the day with some dcs around or of you didn't pay for childcare) so this will encroach into 'couple time' anyway. And she migt even needs some time at weekends too....

soontobeamum1982 · 06/06/2017 17:25

I think he isn't being as unreasonable as you suggest. DP and I work shifts and are often rostered on opposite weekends. We don't even have a child yet (i'm pregnant with our first now) and it's put huge pressure on our relationship only having about two to three full days off in each other's company per month. We've been together almost a decade, but it's amazing how quickly you can feel distant from one another when you don't regularly spend time together due to clashing working hours. We've had to work really hard on this, and keep talking about it - and remind ourselves, when we get short tempered, that a lot of it is because we really miss one another.
It's made me quite sad and I can't wait to go on maternity leave (2 weeks left!) because that means every day he is off work I'll be off too.
Having said that I totally understand your desire to work again. Are there any roles that you could take during the week?

ijustwannadance · 06/06/2017 17:30

The OU is also bloody expensive.

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