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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to start a job that dh doesn't want me to do?

100 replies

Shloooooob · 06/06/2017 16:06

I'm torn.
I've been a sahm for years now, dh has worked hard at his career within that time but does have to work away a lot of the time. His career has always come first.
Now I'm getting bored of being at home all the time and feel ready to start work again. I've been really lucky in that I've been offered a weekend job already. It's nothing amazing, clearing tables and some reception work for minimum wage, but as far as I'm concerned it's a start and I won't have to pay for childcare.
The problem is that DH isn't keen on me going. He's upset that we won't be able to see each other much and is worried it will put a strain on our relationship.

I can understand his worries and I do genuinely feel sad that we won't have as much family time, but then the selfish part of me thinks it's his turn to do some childcare while I go and work.

Now I've written it I'm not sure what I want from posting this. I guess I'm a bit scared of starting something new and worried I'm doing the wrong thing.

OP posts:

Upanddownroundandround · 06/06/2017 16:29

Are you doing it for the money? If you don't need the money, then I would consider doing something else. Those hours will severely affect your family life. I don't think your husband is being unreasonable in these circumstances. Also weekends are important for families to spend time together and for some rest. I know that is hard to come by with young children but I can understand your husband not wanting to spend all his time off work as the sole caregiver all day when he is off work.
Again if you don't need the money, could you work a couple of evenings or a couple of weekday shifts somewhere and put your LO in childcare and just write the costs off for now.
I do think unless it is a necessity then this arrangement will have a negative impact on your family. Family time over financies every time when you can.

museumum · 06/06/2017 16:30

Surely for that kind of work it would be relatively easy to share the job and do either one day or two halfs and someone else do the other?
Or Is it a touristy thing? Would your mil be happy if you only commit to one "season" (i.e. Now till sept)

PaintingByNumbers · 06/06/2017 16:30

the childcare costs come off both your salaries, not just yours
honestly, it sounds rubbish unless you dont like family time with your husband or really need the money, or its a good career move, in which case, its a good plan.

SweetLuck · 06/06/2017 16:31

He can't be relied upon for any childcare at all during the week

Then he can get to fuck.

Do it!

Cuppaoftea · 06/06/2017 16:31

It sounds like a good way to get back in to work to me. Do this job for 2 years and then you've got the recent experience and reference to help get something else when your youngest starts full time school.

Your DH should be supportive and needs to step up with the childcare.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/06/2017 16:32

Maybe your DH could work 4 days a week so that you have family time. Mind you, there is always some reason why men can't do this, even though many women do.

cjt110 · 06/06/2017 16:33

HRTFT....Pre children I worked Mon-Fri. My husband did 3 out of 4 weekends for a good few months. We barely had any quality time together. From my limited experience, this would put me off doing it again.

araiwa · 06/06/2017 16:35

seems to me that youre cutting off your nose to spite your face

ijustwannadance · 06/06/2017 16:36

Why do people think that it is somehow easy to find school friendly working hours?

At the very least OP work one day of the weekend. I also think it's most likely your DH just doesn't want to look after the kids all day.

I hate all the, well the men work hard all week bollocks too. We both work, odd shifts mean little family time sometimes and my DP has had to plan his rota around childcare before DD was at school.

PragmaticWench · 06/06/2017 16:36

Would you consider instead of working, using one day of the weekend for studying on a distance course over the next year, then being in a better position to get a job that paid more? Just thinking that would help more towards your share of childcare, plus stop you going crazy with boredom.

Original poster

Shloooooob · 06/06/2017 16:40

He can't do any childcare reliably during the week as he has to travel all over for meetings etc at short notice.
We could just about pay for childcare but my salary would only just cover it so that seems pointless.
We don't desperately need the money but it would definitely come in helpful and relieve some strain.

I do get how he feels because I've been in his position so many times.

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 06/06/2017 16:42

You don't work just for salary. You say yourself you're going mad at home. Even if you break even, it's worth it for your own happiness and self worth. Your husband does care about your happiness and self worth, doesn't he?

Hiphopopotamus · 06/06/2017 16:42

When you say you couldn't afford to pay childcare, is the implication that childcare would come out of your wages alone, or do you mean that you and your DH couldn't afford childcare between you?

Hiphopopotamus · 06/06/2017 16:43

Sorry - X post!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/06/2017 16:43

I don't see the logic in taking a minimum wage job and paying for childcare. You'd pay more than you earn.

If you want to take the job because you're bored/need a challenge then as suggested, taking a distance course which would increase your job prospects when the dc are older might be best.

If you just want a break from the drudgery of doing all the childcare and everything at home, then leave the dc with their dad for part of the weekend and do something you enjoy.

DerelictWreck · 06/06/2017 16:44

Isn't it interesting that he doesn't want you to work weekends as he won't see you, so the option is for you to not work then.

Why isn't the option for him to consider not working one day in the week? Why is it you who has to be flexible, who has to consider family time, who has to think about childcare costs?

It's a partnership - if this is something you want then you both need to find a compromise, whether its time or cost of shifts, and some of that burden is his to bear!

ijustwannadance · 06/06/2017 16:45

I also understand the need to go to work for a break op. It's about much more than money. It's actually having time when you are in an adult environment with grown up conversation and company with some independence.

Nonibaloni · 06/06/2017 16:45

You'd be sacrificing "family time" of course but it's not like there's a lot of options.

It's true that it's easy to get work when you are working and there are millions of school time jobs around. I think that you do get to do what you want even after being a mum.

And it's a job not the foreign legion!! Maybe he'll love his weekends with he kiddos and forget he was ever resisitant. Maybe itll be a disaster and you'll have to quit.

Do you have a crystal ball?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/06/2017 16:46

Sorry I missed your update!

Look into job sharing the weekend shift with someone else?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 06/06/2017 16:48

I think you'll find it hard not to have any down time with the family - basically you'll only ever have the kids on your own and I think you'll miss being more relaxed at the weekend.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. If it's too much you can always stop, right?

BorisTrumpsHair · 06/06/2017 16:50

I do get how he feels because I've been in his position so many times.

He doesn't want your job to impact on his life/weekends.
But he is happy for his job to impact on your life and further he wants to dictate if you have a job or not.

If you want to do the job, go for it and enjoy.

Ravenblack · 06/06/2017 16:50

Can you not take up some hobby if you're bored?

I don't think I am ever bored.

There's always 'some^thing to do.

GahBuggerit · 06/06/2017 16:51

Go for it, it wont be forever and all this suck ass family time crapola is just that - I know couples who cant stand the fucking sight of each other but make a big thing out of #familytime #memories

Your family time will just be in a different form, and probably much better as you'll be happier in yourself by the sounds of it. Its quality not quantity.

Do it!!!!

C8H10N4O2 · 06/06/2017 16:52

It isn't every weekend. He can step up and support you on the weekends you work or he could consider going to say 4 days himself. You shouldn't think of childcare being 'your' expense, its a family expense and part of the exercise is to get your CV moving again so that you are better placed for future work.

If you are a SAHM at the moment are all your finances shared and are you getting NI credits?

BorisTrumpsHair · 06/06/2017 16:52

and you can stop at anytime, or it will only be for 2 years. Once your youngest starts school you can look for something during the week.

What you wants matters too Shloooooob

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