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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to start a job that dh doesn't want me to do?

100 replies

Shloooooob · 06/06/2017 16:06

I'm torn.
I've been a sahm for years now, dh has worked hard at his career within that time but does have to work away a lot of the time. His career has always come first.
Now I'm getting bored of being at home all the time and feel ready to start work again. I've been really lucky in that I've been offered a weekend job already. It's nothing amazing, clearing tables and some reception work for minimum wage, but as far as I'm concerned it's a start and I won't have to pay for childcare.
The problem is that DH isn't keen on me going. He's upset that we won't be able to see each other much and is worried it will put a strain on our relationship.

I can understand his worries and I do genuinely feel sad that we won't have as much family time, but then the selfish part of me thinks it's his turn to do some childcare while I go and work.

Now I've written it I'm not sure what I want from posting this. I guess I'm a bit scared of starting something new and worried I'm doing the wrong thing.

OP posts:

ShakingAndShocked · 06/06/2017 17:31

We could just about pay for childcare but my salary would only just cover it so that seems pointless.

Just AARRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH to that. Why oh WHY is this or a variant of it posted so many frickin times?

Childcare is a cost to be divided amongst those working, NOT something to be solely taken from the woman's wage as 'she' is not doing her 'job' at home. Boils my piss - and yeah, how fucking great is it for the menz that so many women think like this about childcare costs?

roundaboutthetown · 06/06/2017 17:39

Fact is, you do not need your extra wage, so it would be better to spend it all on childcare for a frankly more interesting job undertaken at the same time your dh is at work and most of your children at school. Clearing tables does not provide huge amounts of adult stimulation and it is no kore intersting cleaning tables in someone else's workplace than in your own home. Finding work that bears no resemblance to what you already do every day at home would surely be more stimulating?

caffeinestream · 06/06/2017 17:48

Childcare is a cost to be divided amongst those working, NOT something to be solely taken from the woman's wage as 'she' is not doing her 'job' at home. Boils my piss - and yeah, how fucking great is it for the menz that so many women think like this about childcare costs?

Pretty sure people who post this mean that they can't afford to lose a whole wage and then some to childcare. Calm down.

LesserofTwoWeevils · 06/06/2017 17:48

What are your weekends like now? Does the family spend a lot of time doing great stuff together? Does your DH pull his weight with childcare and household stuff then?

Longdistance · 06/06/2017 17:58

Do it for a little while, only to get out of the house, and talk to others.

I found being a sahm boring too. When dd2 turned 3, I was back working. I've just left this job as the company is a nightmare, but that's the beauty of not needing to work. I just liked the extra money in my pocket.

How much time do you spend as a family together over the weekend?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/06/2017 18:02

The point is if they could do with some extra money, paying more for childcare than the job generates is pointless.
It's not a feminist issue, it's just basic money sense.

Starlight2345 · 06/06/2017 18:28

Can I ask how old your other child is because I get the impression one child is in school so you would get no quality time with them either.

Did you work previously. Could you do a college course that will give you better opportunities when youngest is at school. I used to be able to put my DS in Creche at college.

I think how involved he is with the kids is relevant if he wants you to do all the care it would do him good to not take you for granted but I really think the lack of family time would bother me.

PinkPeppers · 06/06/2017 18:34

Yep but what you need to take into account isnt just the financial side.
How well the OP feels weithin herself and the importance of working for her MH/balance is just as important as the financial side.

Besides, if working again (even if its only cleaning tables) means its the first step for her to do more and in particular better and more interesting jobs, then it makes sense financially to do that for a while, even if its at loss.

Also working, even with a basic pay, will help her get a pensions etc... that she woudnt get wo working. Will her DH be happy to pay into a pension for her if sshe inst working?

There is so much more involve in working than just the money you bring at the end of the month....

caffeinestream · 06/06/2017 18:40

Of course there is, but not everyone can afford to lose an entire salary and then some. It's basic maths for a lot of people, sadly. No manner of future benefits will help if you can't afford to live in the present day.

I do sympathise with the fact that she's bored at home/wants to work, but both partners need to be happy with the situation. I wouldn't be happy if my partner got a job that meant we never got to spend a day together.

Ohbehave1 · 06/06/2017 18:41

Sweetluck. He can go to fuck can he as he can't do childcare. Have you not read the OP. He works away and long hours. That means he can't do child care during the week. All that's missing from you is LTB

Working both days will severely limit family life. What is the point of family if you don't get to spend time together. And what about the children. They will never get to see mum and dad together.

It's worth waiting for the 15 hrs free child care and do it in the week so you don't lose family time.

rolopolovolo · 06/06/2017 19:00

Get a voluntary position that you can do part of online.

Original poster

Shloooooob · 06/06/2017 19:48

Sorry for the late reply, had to ferry an elderly grandma around!

I would love a job that would fit in with school hours but I just can't see that happening yet. I had our first child quite young and didn't have much work experience when I left to be a sahm. I've been a sahm for 7 years now.
The job itself doesn't excite me but I'm viewing it as a start. It's something to go on my cv and as others have pointed out it will hopefully give me some confidence. Then when my youngest starts full time school I'll have more experience to offer an employer and hopefully find a job with better hours, or you never know mil might be able to find me a better hours job within that time.

I've supported dh 100% to go and do whatever he has to do to get ahead, I feel it's his turn to support me. Plus it won't do him any harm to spend some time with the DCs. He's not exactly a hands on parent as he's never had to be.

Anyway, reading your responses has given me food for thought. Still not sure if I am being unreasonable though!

OP posts:

caffeinestream · 06/06/2017 19:55

Just think before you sacrifice all your time together as a family. It might seem nice now to work and have some time to yourself, but what if you want to go out at weekends? Are you going to be happy working while DP takes them on days out etc? Especially during school holidays etc.

Don't make any rash decisions, especially ones that might involve missing quality time with your kids and partner.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/06/2017 20:09

If it's a fairly casual arrangement with your mil and only occasional weekends then I think it would be worth trying, perhaps on a trial basis? I see your point; it's not really about the financial gain, it means a lot to you for various reasons. I don't think you're unreasonable in wanting to do this.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 06/06/2017 20:24

Work one day. Either a Saturday or the Sunday so that you have a family day. Ensure that it's 50:50 for childcare/housework on that day

HungerOfThePine · 06/06/2017 20:44

It's worth doing for your sanity op, you can take it on trial basis at first and see how it works out. It might not be ideal but you have given 7yrs to support your dh in his job and now it's his turn to do it for you and it will benefit you for even trying.

Over time you can keep looking at your options and developing skills for when the kids do go to school.

AyeAmarok · 06/06/2017 20:58

As it's not going to be every weekend, definitely give it a go.

If it's too much, either your DH can cut down to 4 days (it may have tax benefits to do this?) or you can cut down to one day. Or you can ways stop altogether. But it sounds like a great opportunity for you, for your future, and it sounds like it will do him good to actually be a parent.

gleam · 06/06/2017 21:29

Go for it, Schloooooob.
It sounds like you need the experience for your CV.
Dh having to step up for the kids seems like a good thing too.

BellyBean · 06/06/2017 21:36

Not every weekend sounds like 3/4 which is a lot. If you could do every Sunday for e.g. Sounds better.

Personally, I think a day in the week and a day at the weekend, even if you're not earning much on the weekday until dc is 3 and getting funding, would at least mean you get quality family time.

This all assumes your DH does step up and give you a break at the weekend, and you value that time...

NameChange30 · 06/06/2017 21:52

I think one weekday and one weekend day would be a good compromise. That's if you can get childcare for the weekday - maybe you could find a childminder that is happy to have the DC for just one day a week? Then your DH would look after the DC for one day at the weekend, and the other day would be a family day.

It should still be worth it financially (and don't forget to look into childcare vouchers, your DH might be able to get them from his employer) plus it would be good work experience for you - hopefully a good starting point for future job opportunities.

I agree with PPs who said the value of work is not just the net "profit" made from salary after childcare costs are deducted - it's also NI and pension contributions, increasing future earning power by gaining work experience, plus all the non-financial rewards, including increased independence, and confidence for the SAHP who is returning to work.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 06/06/2017 22:14

YANBU!

If 'family time' is so important to him - why has he not implemented a better work-life balance with regards to his job?

No doubt he makes time for himself on the weekends too so even then you've been doing the majority of the childcare - especially seeing as he's never been a hands-on dad.

You've basically been single-parenting all this time and he hasn't given a toss about being a partnership.
He obviously prioritises his own wants and money over what is best for his family.

He's been selfish to your detriment for too long.
It's time you made your needs and wellbeing a priority.

You will still get 'family time' after work so he's got no grounds to whinge.

Seriously though - why is it purely YOUR responsibility to ensure the family get time together?
If he's genuine about his concerns then he will look to making changes to his own working hours/pattern before trying to guilt-trip you.

I can just imagine his shock and horror when he realised he would be looking after the dc on his own!

NotWaitingAnymore · 06/06/2017 23:20

If you don't need the money but need adult company, a challenge and so on as well as some useful experience for your CV, why not volunteer? You might be able to find something with less hours at the weekend and more flexible than the job.

caffeinestream · 07/06/2017 08:58

If 'family time' is so important to him - why has he not implemented a better work-life balance with regards to his job?

Presumably because OP doesn't work and they need his salary to pay the bills and, y'know, survive?

BitOutOfPractice · 07/06/2017 09:02

If 'family time' is so important to him - why has he not implemented a better work-life balance with regards to his job?

This!

I'm prepared to bet that he's not even that engaged with the kids when he is there - am I right?

DotForShort · 07/06/2017 09:20

Go for it. You will get some good work experience that may lead to a better position in the future. It sounds like a good opportunity with some flexibility.

When your husband says he doesn't want to miss out on family time, what does he mean? How do you usually spend weekends? Obviously, with both parents working, it does mean that the amount of time you all spend together would be reduced. But you could arrange for time as a family in the evenings, as well as the weekends you are not working.

IMO the benefits of working in your situation definitely outweigh the drawbacks.

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