To be upset my parents will be on holiday on my 40th birthday?

[tootalbugging]

I mean, I know I'm 40 so AIBU to be upset about it? I have three kids, one of whom is only a few months old, so I won't be going away on holiday, was hoping for a family meal to celebrate. They said it can wait til they're back from holiday, ten days afterwards.

They also did this on my 30th birthday, which was shit. DH is the worst person in the world at organising anything, so can 100% rely on him to not bother. To make matters worse, my birthday is a Monday, and the weekend before DH will be away on business.
It's still three months away, but I am already pissed off.

Evans

The country is not made up mainly of women (however many male posters there are on here)
I think the middle classes are over represented here
Likewise those with higher education
Likewise those with centre-left political views

Yes I think female focus counts. Organising/planning birthday parties and presents usually falls to women (the 'mental load' and 'wife work' being two well known terms regarding this kind of thing)

Women on here are most likely planning these things for their partners, parents and partner's parents yet being made to feel shit about wanting a bit of fuss made on their own birthday by other women, possibly because those other women are also being taught to have low expectations in their turn.

If they know your birthday means a lot then YANBU. Did you let them know you felt snubbed on your 30th?

You have three months. I have recently had a great Monday birthday. Arrange to go for a nice breakfast, brunch after school drop off. Book hair/make up appointment. I choose to buy a plant an apple tree on our new garden.. My DH would leave it to the last minute or not bother, so I trawled online for a menu I really fancied and then booked it and arranged a sitter. It may not be a surprise but you get to choose something you want to do and celebrate the day.

With a baby a few months old it's hard to have a big celebration.

I would cut back on the parties for others if no one can be bothered to reciprocate. My DH isn't good at choosing presents for me so I arranged my own hols for the big birthdays.

I actually didn't claim to be quoting any poster when I wrote that Evans so why are you trying to pick apart my wording? I notice you didn't do the same for 'what a shame' which is the alternative I offered, perhaps it was clear I was using my own words there?

Some examples of things people have said to the OP though, from the first page of comments alone:

May be time to take a look in the mirror.
You are 40, and throwing a tantrum
Have you considered your parents might have purposely booked the holiday for that date because they know how much of a baby you are over birthdays?
OP, you sound like a petulant teenager.
You sound like those strange people I remember from university
Unbelievably pathetic. Grow up.

So it's not toooo much of a leap to what I said, is it.

Well done for holding the same views on MN compared to real life, it still doesn't change the fact you admit you would use different wording in a real life situation, so I don't think I'm wrong to say people react differently to birthdays on MN than they would in real life.

Please remember OP is in fact a person in real life and the things being written here are actually being read by that real person. If you would be kinder to a person standing in front of you, try to adapt your tone here in the same way.

ExPresidents The country is not made up mainly of women And who said that?? Certainly not me, so I'm not quite sure why you are directing that comment at me.

I said (implied, can't remember my exact wording) that this forum represents opinions of people from all walks of life, be it class, gender, age, etc. So the phrase 'Only on Mumsnet' (which I see a lot) is nonsensical, IMV. Surely the view expressed on a forum is the view that would be held by that person. It is just common sense to think that. The views I express on here are exactly the same as I would say to my neighbour, friend, family member, or acquaintance, if the situation arose. So 'Only on Mumsnet' is a ridiculous comment.

Of course, female focus counts, who said it didn't? What is the topic is that the OP is feeling disgruntled about her parents not being present ON the day of her 40t birthday. Which I feel is being precious. It can be celebrated when they come home. It is not a particularly special birthday. No one is suggesting the birthday should not be celebrated at all - it could just be postponed for a week or so. No Big Deal.

Err...Evans are you feeling quite alright?

Of course female focus counts, who said it didn't You did!! See your quote below.

In response to me saying Mumsnet was not representative of the country as a whole, as for one thing, it's mainly made of up women, you said it is actually representative of the country as a whole. I pointed out once again that the country was not mainly made up of women, therefore MN is not representative of the country as a whole.

Your quote directly below.

I like to think (hope) it is actually representative of the country as a whole. What on earth makes you think otherwise? And on a subject such as this, does 'female focus' really count (there are many male posters on here, incidentally) smile

I think that one of the issues is that what does 40 actually mean these days. Why is it important? I had mine recently and only went for a meal with DP and my father. My 21st had the entire family but that was the last big one. 50 will be the next wide party I guess but the numbers between 21 and 50 dont mean much do they?

Yanbu to feel disappointed that your husband is away and probably can't be bothered to organise anything. But yabu to be upset that your parents are away.

I think YABU, but then I don't really care about my birthday! Just have a nice meal with your DH and don't make your parenrs feel guilty about their holiday

Agree with ExPresidents that there often seems to be a kind of competitive nonchalance about birthdays on MN, with posters gleefully telling you about how they haven't bothered with cards or presents since they were 9 and spent their last birthday happily cleaning out the freezer while everyone else they knew went for cocktails at Buckingham Palace and that was GREAT and they wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

OP, your parents being away is a small thing in itself, but not so much so in the context of no one really bothering with tour birthday while you make a big effort with theirs. So, first off, tell your husband you want to celebrate your birthday. Second, think about what you would enjoy doing, and who with, and arrange to do that. Even if it's two weekends after/before the actual day, it's more important IMO that you actually have a good time rather than doing what's preferable or convenient for others. Third, stop making the big effort for other people's birthdays until they do it for you. I've seen plenty of posters insist that this seems 'petty' but for me, carrying on just reinforces the (possibly unconscious) idea in family members' heads that you don't need or merit the effort that they do. You're effectively telling them that by continuing to make a fuss of them when they don't reciprocate.

buttery at your first paragraph

Very sensible advice there for you OP.