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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset my parents will be on holiday on my 40th birthday?

111 replies

tootalbugging · 06/06/2017 13:32

I mean, I know I'm 40 so AIBU to be upset about it? I have three kids, one of whom is only a few months old, so I won't be going away on holiday, was hoping for a family meal to celebrate. They said it can wait til they're back from holiday, ten days afterwards.

They also did this on my 30th birthday, which was shit. DH is the worst person in the world at organising anything, so can 100% rely on him to not bother. To make matters worse, my birthday is a Monday, and the weekend before DH will be away on business.
It's still three months away, but I am already pissed off.

OP posts:

EvansOvalPies · 06/06/2017 15:24

I honestly don't understand all the hype around so-called 'landmark' birthdays. Once you get to 75+ then yes, possibly (although it still wouldn't be my personal choice). Otherwise, it's all a bit naff, imo (and I'm approaching 60, and couldn't give a shiny shit about anyone making a special fuss). I actively discourage it, in fact. I know everyone's different. But to be upset that your parents won't be there for a 40th? Sorry, but I think you are being unreasonable.

Have a nice meal when they come home. And Happy Birthday

Let your parents go on their holiday, go out for a nice meal together when they come home, if that's what you want to do, job done!

NameChange30 · 06/06/2017 15:27

Christ. I knew this would be ugly - a birthday thread on AIBU - but I'm still shocked by how nasty some people are being. Get over yourselves.

I agree with Leda: "If your dh got his finger out of his arse, i am sure your parents being away wouldnt feel like such a big deal."

I think you need to explain to your DH that your 40th birthday is important to you and you'd really like him to organise something or at least help you to organise something to make it special.

I think an adult's birthday is something to be celebrated, especially a milestone birthday, and if that puts me in the MN minority, I don't give a shit.

It's always the women making an effort for everyone else's birthday, isn't it, and then getting all sorts of nasty abuse for admitting that they feel disappointed when no one does the same for them.

EvansOvalPies · 06/06/2017 15:36

'Adult' birthdays are Not Approved of on Mumsnet

That seems a particularly silly thing to say. All sorts of opinions are expressed on MumsNet. My views outside of MN are exactly the same as the views I express on the forum. This is another thing I ponder on. Why do some posters insist on saying things like 'Only on Mumsnet'? Surely these are only the views of lots of different posters, from lots of different walks of life, of lots of different ages? Should there be a standard 'MumsNetter? That would make for a very boring forum indeed.

Some people agree with the OP, some people disagree. Only on Mumsnet, eh?

Underthemoonlight · 06/06/2017 15:37

To give you some perspective, I'm only 30 my DF is dying of cancer he will be lucky to see my 31st birthday and my DM has heart failure and has a few years at best, I most likely have no parents by the time I reach 35 let alone 40. Count your blessing your parents are around not everyone is so lucky. You can always celebrate when they come back. Surely it's down to your dh to organise something for the actual day than your parents.

Joolsy · 06/06/2017 15:45

You say you won't be able to do anything the weekend before, but couldn't you arrange something with friends, even if it's just a couple of drinks at your house?

Groovee · 06/06/2017 15:45

Some harsh replies on here. It's my 40th this year and would love to have had a surprise organised for me but that never happens. I also have crappy timing of being born the week before Christmas. So I have decided to go away the weekend of my 40th. Just hoping Dd can be off work that weekend to come with us.

My group of friends love nights out for their birthdays. Yet can never make an effort to make my birthday but expect me to go away for weekends for theirs. I've turned down most offers and it's been interesting to note this year that it's obviously been booked prior to asking and not being too amused that I don't want to spend £300 of my money on a weekend away!

Joolsy · 06/06/2017 15:48

I also really don't like all these posts that say "well I don't have parents so think yourself luck you do" as if to say that if you have something that others don't you must never complain about it. Lots of people don't have children and would love them - I have 2 but that doesn't mean I never complain about them!!

Joolsy · 06/06/2017 15:48

*lucky

EastMidsMummy · 06/06/2017 15:51

For me, this is one of those "only on Mumsnet" threads. In real life, I don't know any parents who would book a holiday over their DD's big birthday. And I don't know any adult children who wouldn't be at least a little disappointed by it.

For me, this is one of those "only on Mumsnet" threads. In real life, I don't know any parents who would think twice about booking a holiday over their DD's big birthday. And I don't know any adult children who would be at all disappointed by it.

KeepCalm · 06/06/2017 15:52

I don't have my parents anymore and my DH is shite are organising birthdays so for my 40th last year I organised my own!!

Take control and then you won't be disappointed

StarHeartDiamond · 06/06/2017 15:55

I think it's quite reasonable that op is upset for a special birthday. If it was 41, not so much.

Ops parents could have booked just before or just after, if they aren't bound by certain dates then why wouldn't they want to do both - have a holiday and celebrate their daughters landmark birthday?

Does anyone one on mn here who think op is being unreasonable not celebrate landmark birthdays with their parents/wider family?

It's not that parents shouldn't be on holiday. It's that it's odd they would want to be on holiday over ops Birthday.

Mumzypopz · 06/06/2017 15:57

Didn't know it was imperative parents were around for birthdays over the age of 21? Mine are never with me on my birthday, but then I wouldn't expect them to be either.

Floralnomad · 06/06/2017 16:03

Does anyone one on mn here who think op is being unreasonable not celebrate landmark birthdays with their parents/wider family?

As I said upthread , we celebrate every birthday with wider family but are adult enough to be able to float it to a weekend nearby when it's convenient for everyone involved , which is what the OPs parents have suggested .

brasty · 06/06/2017 16:04

I had a big do for my 40th and 50th, so I do celebrate special birthdays. But none of my dos were on my actual birthday.That is what I don't understand being a big deal. My 50th was actually 2 weeks after my actual birthday, so that everyone I wanted to come, could make it.

EvansOvalPies · 06/06/2017 16:05

StarHeartDiamond - what, exactly, makes a 40th birthday a 'landmark'? Honestly - just what? It is the year you reach your 40th year of birth. What is special about it? (Having had one myself, and a 50th, it is honestly just another birthday). 40 IS NOT SPECIAL (neither is 30, for that matter) Doesn't matter if you celebrate it on that day, or the following weekend, or the weekend before, or two (or three, or four) weeks later. It's not a wedding (don't get me started on weddings) or, thank goodness, a funeral. It's a bloody birthday. FFS - get over yourselves!

If you get to 90 or 100, now that is something to celebrate, if the birthday person wants it. 30, 40, 50, 60 - then no!

NameChange30 · 06/06/2017 16:14

"If you get to 90 or 100, now that is something to celebrate, if the birthday person wants it. 30, 40, 50, 60 - then no!"

Actually I think every year of life is something to celebrate. A decade is a big deal. Some people don't actually make it to 30. For some people who have battled cancer, or all kinds of physical or mental health problems, reaching 30 (or 40 or 50 or whatever) is sure as hell something to celebrate.

Even without health problems, life is still something to celebrate.

What a bunch of killjoys on threads like this. Just because you don't care about birthdays doesn't mean no one else should care.

piglover · 06/06/2017 16:17

40 is a big deal, but equally by 40, you are well into adulthood and I think it's weird to expect your parents to be there for you.

ExPresidents · 06/06/2017 16:24

Evans why is it a particularly silly thing to say? Mumsnet is hardly representative of the country as a whole. It's very female focused for one thing.

In my family and in my circle of friends birthdays are a cause for celebration (as are weddings but hey ho). Even at work people bring in cake and do cards for birthdays. In my experience it's just as valid to enjoy your birthday as an adult, yet on this forum that viewpoint is often rubbished (as in this thread).

It's an instance of something on the internet not matching up to a real life experience. It's not at all unusual for people to exaggerate their reactions/responses on the internet when it has no impact on their real life and nor is it surprising when the internet doesn't reflect real life situations.

For example, posters on here calling the OP petulant/selfish etc. If your colleague was chatting to you while making a cup of tea and said they were a bit disappointed about their upcoming birthday as nobody had made any plans, would you say 'oh that's a shame' or 'Christ you petulant bastard, grow the fuck up, how old are you?'

I would be inclined to suspect it would be the former, but it doesn't stop people responding more along the latter lines here.

EvansOvalPies · 06/06/2017 16:28

AnotherEmma - not that it's nothing to celebrate, if that's what you want. OP said nothing about being ill with cancer or any other life-threatening illness (thank goodness) - just she was put out about her parents 'not being there for her 40th birthday' because they were on holiday, but they will be there a week or two later. It's not a big deal. Stop being such a drama llama

EvansOvalPies · 06/06/2017 16:34

Mumsnet is hardly representative of the country as a whole. It's very female focused for one thing.

I like to think (hope) it is actually representative of the country as a whole. What on earth makes you think otherwise? And on a subject such as this, does 'female focus' really count (there are many male posters on here, incidentally)

EvansOvalPies · 06/06/2017 16:37

No-one has 'rubbished' the notion of celebrating a birthday, if that's what's wanted, I don't think. Some people (like me) have wondered why some people are so precious about it. Does it really matter if it's celebrated on the day, or if significant attendees are away, then celebrate it another time?

EvansOvalPies · 06/06/2017 16:41

Christ you petulant bastard, grow the fuck up, how old are you?

Now, I missed that. Sorry Ex - Who said it? I probably would agree, but would use kinder words, if I were to be that person making a cup of tea. As I said, my views on here are actually what I express in real life too.

1234hello · 06/06/2017 16:41

What EastMidsMummy and whoever she is quoting said. x 1000

YANBU OP

EeekWhat · 06/06/2017 16:45

Adult' birthdays are Not Approved of on Mumsnet

I don't think that's true. What's seems to go badly is posters getting sulky or upset if they don't get the birthday they want. There is a HUGE middle ground between birthdays being totally ignored by friends and family and having to have everyone race around on your actual birthday making a massive fuss.

EvansOvalPies · 06/06/2017 16:49

EeekWhat - nicely put!

1234hello - you've misread Eastmids post - she means the exact opposite of what you've interpreted.

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