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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset my parents will be on holiday on my 40th birthday?

111 replies

tootalbugging · 06/06/2017 13:32

I mean, I know I'm 40 so AIBU to be upset about it? I have three kids, one of whom is only a few months old, so I won't be going away on holiday, was hoping for a family meal to celebrate. They said it can wait til they're back from holiday, ten days afterwards.

They also did this on my 30th birthday, which was shit. DH is the worst person in the world at organising anything, so can 100% rely on him to not bother. To make matters worse, my birthday is a Monday, and the weekend before DH will be away on business.
It's still three months away, but I am already pissed off.

OP posts:
Tumblethumps · 06/06/2017 14:27

I honestly don't know any adults who care much about adult birthdays.

But then I also don't know many people who live close to their parents and see them all the time either yet there seems lots of that on MN. Maybe other families are closer than mine and DH's was. Parents are dead but we he and I went off to university at 18 and then only saw them about twice a year.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 06/06/2017 14:28

I've learned you need to make your own happiness around birthdays. Plan what you like. It took me to after my 40th though to realise that (didn't get even a happy birthday from my parents for that one, and my 18th and 21st were barely acknowledged)

I make my own birthdays a nice day now.

dailygrowl · 06/06/2017 14:28

OP, why don't you just organise a meal with good friends? It's probably a bit too much at 40 to expect parents to plan their holidays around your birthday - any age after 21 you shouldn't expect your parents to delay their plans for you. They are older and won't get that many holidays left to enjoy so they should go while they can. Or why can't you choose it and ask your husband to do the organising and purchasing? That way you get what you like. You can book most restaurants and choose gifts, flowers etc online nowadays. Or at least look it up on the websites and show it to your husband. You are lucky to have a DH! I know many single/widowed mums who have to organise their own birthdays with small children to think of. If your DH is back on your birthday, you are already v lucky. Get a babysitter for Monday night or go to an early meal at a restaurant that accommodates kids. (Most will if it's before 7pm).

Original poster
tootalbugging · 06/06/2017 14:28

Thank you TheVeryThing

OP posts:
NellieFiveBellies · 06/06/2017 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brasty · 06/06/2017 14:29

I am in mid 50s. Most people I know don't have a proper celebration on their actual birthday, but on a Saturday close to their birthday. In my case I celebrated my 40th by a weekend away 2 weeks after my actual birthday. Just organise something, it does not need to be on your actual birthday.

Kokusai · 06/06/2017 14:29

40 is a good birthday - can't you organise a party or a meal with friends?

I am of the opinion that if you want a party/meal/fuss you organise it.

FreeNiki · 06/06/2017 14:30

I dont think so.

Your b.day is the one special day that is yours alone.

It is a big one for you and your DC are too young to do anything and your DH and parents are not around. I'd feel a bit disappointed tbh.

BeyondDespairandRepair · 06/06/2017 14:30

Hi Op I would be upset too.

If they are fit and well and would have been able to be with you.
I would certainly be hope to be there for my DD 4oth and 30th....life is short, cancer and death is everywhere. Sorry but I have lost both parents now and I feel if they can be there they should I think you have every right to be upset. I dont make any fuss of my bdays but I did for 30th and 40th, I don't normally literally do anything and expect nothing. These are big milestones and I cant see whats wrong with wanting to have some attention and being spoiled and put first on those days. Agree shame about your DH too. TBH I organised my own stuff though.

BeyondDespairandRepair · 06/06/2017 14:31

hey are older and won't get that many holidays left to enjoy so they should go while they can.

^^ sorry just read this, they are also older and may not get many more chances to spend one day special day with their child whom they created and brought into this world!!

brasty · 06/06/2017 14:32

Of course celebrate it, but you don't have to do a big thing on the actual day. Even kids understand that a birthday party is rarely on their actual birthday.

brasty · 06/06/2017 14:32

Beyonerepairandcespair Really??

treaclesoda · 06/06/2017 14:35

I don't know any adults who make much of an issue about birthdays either. In fact even the children's birthdays aren't a huge deal in my family, or for most people I know.

If your parents are the sort of people who expect a huge celebration for their birthdays then I can understand you being disappointed that they don't return the favour. On the other hand, if they've never been into making a big fuss of birthdays yabu to expect them to change their ways when it's just not on their radar.

Coddiwomple · 06/06/2017 14:43

I am invited to 2 adult birthday parties just this month. Birthday parties are still a big thing, thank god. So much shit going on in the world, any occasion to celebrate with friends and families are good for me. I am glad my friends are as big on birthdays than I am.

Elmo230885 · 06/06/2017 14:45

If it were me I would be disappointed. My family still make plans for birthdays. Its usually a meal out or going round to someone's house. Not always on the birthday but close to the day when we all can make it. We do this for all birthdays but usually plan something more on 'special birthdays'. I am very thankful for my family and its nice we still do this even though me and my sisters are in our late twenties/early thirties. I understand not all families are like this, as my DH found it odd at first but now enjoys family time. I hope to have the same relationship with my daughter when she has grown up.
Getting back to the OP, speak to your parents and DH. Maybe they don't realise these things are important to you.

FreeNiki · 06/06/2017 14:50

Isnt being alive and reaching a big milestone enough to celebrate. Otherwise what is it all for?

Jeez so many killjoys, birthdays arent a big deal, even your dcs arent. why not?

notangelinajolie · 06/06/2017 14:50

YABU. You are a grown up woman not a child - do you really need your mum and dad to be there? What is wrong with celebrating the day with your own family? If that isn't enough for you and you still feel like you need a day with your parents paying homage to you then you need to plan something around a date when they can be there. Problem solved - you really are making a big fuss over nothing.

Tumblethumps · 06/06/2017 14:50

Elmo, do your family all live close to each other then? (Or maybe you're in London)

Certainly most couples we're friends with are maybe 50-200miles away from parents so maybe they're Home Counties, sibling in Edinburgh, sibling in Bristol and parents in Harrogate. But maybe we've just naturally gravitated towards similar people meaning we see that as more normal or widespread than it actually is. The only families I know all close by each other live in London.

Jux · 06/06/2017 14:52

Move your birthday. I move mine almost every year so that the people I want to see will be around, or so we'll get thebetter weather.

Then you can have a quiet, close family celebration on the actual day. You have to organise everything yourself, of course, but that way you can be more sure of things going how you'd like them to do.

It took only 3 years of buying my own presents until dh started asking me if there was anything I'd like. Grin

I haven't worried recently as I have no big birthdays, but next year will be 3 score, and I may have to organise a meal out at a restaurant I want to go to, and I'm vaguely mentioning a half-day sushi making course I'm quite interested in as a present, too.

DD has been old enough to do nice things for my birthday without his help, so we just get on with it.

dailygrowl · 06/06/2017 14:53

BeyondDespair - you can say that, but if it was the only deal they could afford, it's a bit mean to expect the parents to forgo a holiday this year just to organise a birthday. I don't really know the details (and no, I'm not free to read 3 pages of posts). Put it this way - if the parents expect her to drop everything to celebrate their birthdays - or if they are the kind to make a big fuss that Christmas must be celebrated with them at the same time (eg Christmas dinner and not Christmas Eve or Boxing Day) it would be reasonable to have the same expectations for her birthday. Or that if they did big fancy parties for her siblings' 40th and nothing for her (I don't know if OP has siblings) then fair enough. In my family, you organise your own do if you want it your way. Otherwise, you get something you won't like or it gets completely forgotten. Obviously the kids (under 15) get it done for them as they are too young to pay for things with large sums of money or credit card. But they still have to say what they would like and not expect it to appear miraculously like magic.

treaclesoda · 06/06/2017 14:55

Jeez so many killjoys, birthdays arent a big deal, even your dcs arent. why not?

I'm not a killjoy. It just doesn't occur to me that people want a fuss made for their birthdays. I buy my kids a present, we don't ignore it. But I don't stop everything and have all our relatives over and expect everyone to acknowledge it. My own siblings don't tend to bother with my birthday tbh, and my parents are elderly and almost housebound and don't necessarily remember when it is. Birthdays just aren't really on my radar.

Floralnomad · 06/06/2017 15:06

YABU , especially as they've said to go out for a meal when they get back . We would never do more than cards , presents and a cake on birthdays here any meals / get together get floated to the weekend before or after when it's more convenient for people .

Birdsgottaf1y · 06/06/2017 15:15

""I think you're right notafish, I need to alter my expectations. ""

Did you bring it up that your Birthday was whilst they were away?

One year I booked a holiday, forgetting that my Eldest DDs Birthday was occurring in the middle of it. It wasn't a 'big' Birthday and there was a good reason why I needed those dates.

She's never let me forget it, though.

We all went to a 'destination' for her 30th.

I know people who are still having parties thrown for them at 40/50 and one at 60, by their Parents, but it's a Saturday close to the date.

OP, from now on, allow yourself two Birthdays.
Have nice food etc on the day and a Celebration or two (one with your DP and one with your Parents). That's what I always did, because my BD often fell on Mothers Day.

If there wasn't a good reason for their dates, then it's hurtful.

However, what I will say is that Post Menopause, certain foods and alcohol are not your friend.

So make the most of the next 5-10 years. Give your DP a kick up the arse and treat yourself.

ExPresidents · 06/06/2017 15:19

'Adult' Hmm birthdays are Not Approved of on Mumsnet. Once you are over 18 you are expected not to give a shit about celebrating your birthday with anyone and if you do, you're selfish and a petulant child. It's really weird.

OP, I'm sorry you feel crap about your birthday and I hope your DH plans something nice for you. It's not too much to ask for the people who love you to make an effort for you once a year, and those who think it is must live life with very low expectations.

Slimthistime · 06/06/2017 15:21

Yanbu
What are they like otherwise.?

Not sure why specialsubject is telling you to look in a mirror.

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