Lies, my DS and my DH

[JustForThis15]

We have issues with DS1 lying about things. He has trouble understanding right from wrong and lies about things if he thinks he will get into trouble. It seems impossible to fix and we are getting no where with it.
I'm working today and came home just now after a couple of hours of work. My DH is minding the children at home.
My 6 year old comes over to me and says that daddy went away and left them at home with no parents. His car was gone and his baby bother was crying a lot.
His brother is 3.
I laugh and said "thats silly he didn't leave you, did you?" while calling upstairs to DH who is changing beds (Not something I've ever see him do on his own accord before!)
DH says "No, I didn't" in a snorting, kind of astonished he could say such a thing, way.
I asked DS1 why he said that and he repeated DS2 was crying. I asked DS2 why was he crying. Then I asked DH "was DS2 crying earlier?"
DH turned back to the bed and muttered, "I was only 2 minutes". Turns out he did go to the shop (which is far more than 2 minutes away).
We've never left children at home alone. And I'm mad about it. But more than that is I am mad that he lied quite openly in front of DS1 to me.
No wonder DS1 has issues with lying when he is learning from his dad.
I am raging and DH has now said I am overreacting, look at all the cleaning I am doing. I've spent the morning cleaning, the place was a tip and you didn't even bring home any lunch.
FFS. I love the way he has turned this on me.
I am working. The place is not a tip.
AIBU to empathise the seriousness of this and how do I stop my DH from these stupid lies. No wonder DS1 is behaving the way he does.
How can I help DH to gain some morals and cop on?

I would be more angry about him leaving and 6 and 3 yr old at home whilst he went to the shop!

I would be fuming... firstly at leaving the dh home alone, secondly lying about it, thirdly trying to say the dc lied about it and lastly teaching the dc it's ok to lie...

Not to mention trying to pin the chores, housework and lunch on you too whilst you're at work!

What have you said to DH about leaving a 3yr old and a 6 yr old home alone?

Shocked about him leaving the kids at home. It must not happen again.

The other two issues of lying in front of your older son & blaming you for the house being a tip (and all the so called cleaning he's doing because he's guilty AF) are equally shitty... I'd also be in a rage.

Absolute twatish behaviour

I know. Its awful.
I'm so angry at him. He is breezily accusing me of over reacting.
How do I get through to him the seriousness of it?
I remember being left at home aged 6. It still stays with he as I was scared shitless.

He lies every now and then about stupid things. Its obvious that DS1 copies him on it. We have already spoken about it and he agreed not to do it again.
His lies also imply that he thinks I'm stupid and enough of an idiot to believe it. This time is much worse as he's lied about what DS1 said in front of DS1. So undermining DS1 in the process.

I've had so many discussions with DS1 about lying. I don't do it myself, no matter what. I was brought up to believe lying is one of the worst possible things you can do. And no way would I lie in front of DS1 when DS1 knows the truth. What a example to set.

How do I try to salvage this? Insist on DH acknowledging his lies and apologising to DS and me in front of the two children?

Actually, putting small children in a dangerous position because you're irresponsible is one of the worst things you can do.

He obviously knows that what he did was wrong, otherwise he wouldn't have bothered to lie about it.

The issue is his complete and utter arrogance. It's his belief that putting his children in danger is worthwhile as long as it makes his own life easier.

i would annihilat him seriously consider leaving him, 6 and 3. what if someone had crashed into him? what's so desperate he couldn't wait/take the kids?

Seriously, that's before the lying... if I couldn't trust him to look after his children or to parent them- i'd see no benefit to our relationship continuing.

Is this the first time you've noticed your husband lying?

Does your husband get irritated by his son's lies?

I'm with hodd. I would never be able to trust him alone with the DC again.

My dh did that once when ds1 and ds2 were 5 and 2. He really, really did not get why I was upset and cross. In his home country, he said, it would be totally normal. But the thing is he didn't lie and as soon as he realised it was a bad idea, he never did it again.

I bet your husband has lied and your son told the truth many times, your son being the innocent scapegoat. Your poor son, trying to tell you that he knew the situation was wrong and no one believing him until his father finally caved. What a horrible way to treat a little boy. I'd be leaving him I think.

The lying and contradicting DS1 was very poor plus anything could have happened in that "two" minutes either to DH or to the boys. DH must have thought his pressing need for what he needed at the shop was worth the risk.

DH has also damaged trust between you by lying to you to get out of a fix. It was a knee jerk reaction and he would have boldly carried on with a bare faced lie had you not questioned DS1 further.

Why lie? To keep you happy and still do what he wants to do?
There's no way to tell how often he does that! You work outside home so you don't know what he's doing.
I'm not saying he's a regular liar but it would give me cause to reflect. Especially if now he's making light of it.

Your DCs need to trust their parents and you two need to trust each other.

PS Forgiveness doesn't mean trust is instantly restored after being caught lying.
Does DH get that?

I sense that there is also a backstory about this irresponsible, lying idiot. No way leaving children unattended and then lying about it in front of them is an isolated incident.

Yes, it is horrible. The more I think about it the madder I am. My poor son. And I do wonder about what else he has lied about. I can't believe anything he says anymore.
He lies like it is the most natural thing in the world.
Its so obvious why our DS is doing it too and I imagine there have been plenty of other times where DS has heard DH lying to me and known it was lies.
No wonder DS has such difficulty understanding lies from truth.

And how confusing it must be for DS to figure out all of this. The world is difficult enough to make sense of, when you are 6 without his daddy who he completely trusts, trying to say something didn't happen when it did.
I've sent DH a link to this as he still thinks its no big deal and "can we forget about it?"
I really can't change him. He is who he is. But I wish he would stop lying.
You are right Donkey, I don't trust him whatsoever. How could I?

My ExH used to do this sort of thing - sort of a "tell the little woman what she wants to hear" kind of attitude. Never anything as serious as the whopper your DH told OP - that really is beyond the pale.

No advice - just sympathy. x

That's awful, I would be concerned about how this will affect your DS long term if your DH is able to continue lying in front of him.

Your DS needs to feel like he is treated fairly and will be believed when he tells you something.

Is there any trust and respect in your relationship if your DH can lie to you like this?

I'd be so worried about leaving my DH in charge of DC if he couldn't see the problem with leaving them home alone.

If he needs to drive it's a lot more than two minutes - it's two minutes to get into the car, put your seat belt on and start the engine FFS!

So he's an irresponsible liar (at a push I'd walk 200 yards to the corner shop without my nine and seven year olds) who appears to be using his own son to gaslight you. He's not winning many fans right now.

It sounds like you've done that classic thing of trying to correct a fault in your DH through your DS. Forget punishing your DS for this. The only way to stop him lying is to stop allowing lying to be acceptable in your home.

Either your DH goes to therapy for his constant lying or he leaves. anything else and your DS WILL pick up this habit. Don't think that you can offer "an alternative". You can't counter it. You are modeling this to him in his home.

Almost as bad as the lying is accusing your DS1 of lying here. The only way your DH could cover his own dishonesty was to make out DS1 is the liar.

6 year old will take from this that daddy is a wimp who would prefer to wrongly blame a small child old to owning up. So he thinks it is fine and dandy to get his young child into trouble to cover for his lies? It will destroy all trust the little one has in daddy, because he knows when push comes to shove, daddy will chicken out at all cost.

His lies could ruin your DSs OP.☹️

Christ ! What a mess to sort out. The thing is kids do lie but it's how you deal with it that helps to teach them it's wrong . With a liar as a parent the poor boy will be so confused.

And as for leaving young children alone- words fail me!

Jesus. Leaving a three year old with a six year old, it just beggars belief! And if you do show him this thread, let me just say that I am as easy going as you like, but this has shocked me. It is not normal. Not at all. And it is against the law, as they are not able to look after themselves/assess risk etc.
And that isn't even the worst part! Making out your son was a liar.
OPs husband- YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE ARSE!!!!!!