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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lies, my DS and my DH

92 replies

JustForThis15 · 05/06/2017 11:35

We have issues with DS1 lying about things. He has trouble understanding right from wrong and lies about things if he thinks he will get into trouble. It seems impossible to fix and we are getting no where with it.
I'm working today and came home just now after a couple of hours of work. My DH is minding the children at home.
My 6 year old comes over to me and says that daddy went away and left them at home with no parents. His car was gone and his baby bother was crying a lot.
His brother is 3.
I laugh and said "thats silly he didn't leave you, did you?" while calling upstairs to DH who is changing beds (Not something I've ever see him do on his own accord before!)
DH says "No, I didn't" in a snorting, kind of astonished he could say such a thing, way.
I asked DS1 why he said that and he repeated DS2 was crying. I asked DS2 why was he crying. Then I asked DH "was DS2 crying earlier?"
DH turned back to the bed and muttered, "I was only 2 minutes". Turns out he did go to the shop (which is far more than 2 minutes away).
We've never left children at home alone. And I'm mad about it. But more than that is I am mad that he lied quite openly in front of DS1 to me.
No wonder DS1 has issues with lying when he is learning from his dad.
I am raging and DH has now said I am overreacting, look at all the cleaning I am doing. I've spent the morning cleaning, the place was a tip and you didn't even bring home any lunch.
FFS. I love the way he has turned this on me.
I am working. The place is not a tip.
AIBU to empathise the seriousness of this and how do I stop my DH from these stupid lies. No wonder DS1 is behaving the way he does.
How can I help DH to gain some morals and cop on?

OP posts:
BlurryFace · 05/06/2017 12:52

I would be very careful OP, my DH knows someone who left her baby with her BF (the dad) while she worked nights and only found out he'd been leaving the kid to go to the pub when Social Services visited as a neighbour had realised what was going on.

Can you trust him not to do it again? He obviously knew it was wrong if he initially tried to hide it from you, calling your son a liar in his earshot as well.

metspengler · 05/06/2017 12:59

Leaving a 3 and 6 year old without an adult is in the foreground here.

Especially a 3 year old, that is effectively a baby. Most parents would die before casually leaving such a small child unsupervised, you are just asking for them to get into something or fall and hurt themselves (or worse) and have no adult around. With this cavalier disregard for their safety I would be wondering what else there is that you don't know about.

This is unfit father level stuff. I don't know how I would deal with this but even if you love DH and he loves DCs and you want to move forward I would be considering moving out for a couple of weeks and taking DCs with you over this.

This can never happen, not ever again, and it isn't a joke. You could have come home and found one or more of your children dead ffs

CondensedMilkSarnies · 05/06/2017 12:59

It's his attitude that would worry me. We all make mistakes (although leaving vulnerable kids alone is stretching 'mistake' to its absolute limit) . The fact that he hasn't apologised and is turning it all on you is massively worrying. I'd be worried what else he lies about.

rightwhine · 05/06/2017 13:06

This would be a deal breaker for me. Both the lying in front of the kids and the dangerous leaving them on their own. It wouldn't be quite so bad if he immediately realised what he did was crazy but if he's still unrepentant and trying to turn it back on you...

I really don't think I could get past this.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/06/2017 13:12

If he doesn't have the intelligence to see that a. he took a huge risk with his children and b. he's effectively completely undermining himself to you as a partner then I'd consider if he's worth being with at all.

What's he saying about himself here?

  • I can't appreciate the potential danger of leaving small children alone.
  • I can't understand that if I lie to my wife, she isn't going to trust or respect me and eventually our relationship will go down the pan.
  • I can't understand that showing our small children that it's ok to choose to lie will make them untrustworthy liars in return, which isn't exactly what most parents want. In fact, we're already having trouble with this with our son, but I'm too thick to join the dots on it and I just keep lying.
  • I can't understand any of the above, which put together makes me a pretty hopeless partner to have. My wife could do much, much better. My kids have a dad with some pretty shitty parenting ideas.
-Oh and I can't understand that doing housework in my own house isn't a favour to anyone, it's called living an adult's life.

You say he's reading OP. His response will be really interesting. This is about the fundamental quality of the person you're with. Are you going to get a sulky child stropping, or an intelligent adult prepared to take on board some of this?

Original poster
JustForThis15 · 05/06/2017 13:13

He still doesn't realise that it was crazy.

I can't get through to him. He won't be rational and discuss it with me.
He says "I know it was wrong, can you stop going on about it now."
He won't talk about it and he won't apologise in front of DS1 for lying to me in front of DS1 as he doesn't want DS1 to "take sides".
As in, he doesn't want DS1 to be exposed to him showing some backbone and humility and apologising to me.

OP posts:
RainbowAura · 05/06/2017 13:14

This is making me cross just reading this. You have my sympathy OP.

You can't help him gain some morals, I'm afraid. Unfortunately, he doesn't see his lying as a problem in the same way you do. My husband is like this. I also have been brought up to believe lying is fundamentally wrong. I went to see a counsellor and she explained it so: 'Years ago, people lived in close-knit communities and were brought up with similar values in similar ways. People married from within those communities and would naturally have similar morals. Nowadays, peoples' lives are more diverse and we marry people who are completely different from ourselves. He may have been brought where lying was acceptable and even protected him and helped him get ahead in life and so he continues to do it without remorse.'

This did help me to understand why some people don't see it as a big deal, although I still do!

I do think he realised he was in the wrong though (or likely to get into trouble) or else why would he have been cleaning? Seems to me the cleaning was a pre-meditated attempt at a get out of jail free card.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/06/2017 13:14

Oh and I've just noticed this from one of your previous posts:

'He lies like it is the most natural thing in the world.'

Now that is something it's really worth getting out of your life, painful though it might be. Have a think about where you might end up with that kind of bloke as a partner?

RainbowAura · 05/06/2017 13:15

*brought up

FizzyGreenWater · 05/06/2017 13:16

He won't talk about it and he won't apologise in front of DS1 for lying to me in front of DS1 as he doesn't want DS1 to "take sides".
As in, he doesn't want DS1 to be exposed to him showing some backbone and humility and apologising to me.

He'll still be reading this.

OP I don't think you'll settle for a man like this forever. That's quite clear. Hats off to you.

FusionChefGeoff · 05/06/2017 13:16

Fucking hell OP I'd be livid - just the leaving them on their own is LTB territory - let alone the blatent lying and then attacking you. I've only commented really because you've said you've sent him the link so I wanted to make sure there were as many voices as possible to try to get through to him so he NEVER takes that kind of risk with his kids again.

Words fail me sometimes and this is one of them.

Lweji · 05/06/2017 13:19

What are the consequences if he keeps lying?

Lweji · 05/06/2017 13:21

He won't talk about it and he won't apologise in front of DS1 for lying to me in front of DS1 as he doesn't want DS1 to "take sides

He should apologise mostly to his own son. He lied to make him seem a liar. That's the worst part.

DancingLedge · 05/06/2017 13:24

Do you as of right now, feel you can leave the DC alone with him? On any occasion?

Knowing that they are not safe?

FizzyGreenWater · 05/06/2017 13:25

Lweji - I'd say the consequences are beginning to start right now.

He's got a wife who's rapidly losing all respect for him, and with respect goes love. He's got children learning not to believe a word he says and not to reply on him.

There's only one place that ends, and it's not him sitting at the head of the table looking fondly around at his loving family at his 80th birthday party.

He can't see it or won't see it. Either reason makes it a no-brainer: she should leave him, and she might well do that now that she can see it means putting her kids first and not just her.

Stupid man!

FizzyGreenWater · 05/06/2017 13:25

reply = rely!

Nonibaloni · 05/06/2017 13:27

Leaving kids alone is outrageous, there's no excuse.

But I think it goes deeper than that. When you've caught DS in a lie, have you been absolutely sure it's a lie. My 6y/o is a fan of the whopper, it's pretty normal and a good learning experience.

What I'm asking is has DH used DS to cover his lie? That's a dark road. I don't want to scare the life out of you but somone I know was used to being used to cover things for a parent , when a man asked her to keep other things secret she accepted it as how adults treat children.

Surely this needs to be a line in the sand moment.

What a stressful situation for you but you've got the lay of the land now.

DancingLedge · 05/06/2017 13:29

The lying, to you and DC, is really bad. In several ways at once.

And, whilst it has to be sorted, it's not going to kill anyone.

Whereas, twovery young DC left on their own could possibly result in death or injury. OrDC being removed. Surely you need to focus on this first?

Lweji · 05/06/2017 13:29

FizzyGreenWater

At the moment he thinks he can keep on doing what he's always done.

OP, you won't get through to him. Your best chance is for him to be convinced that you'll leave if he lies again. And follow through if he does.

paxillin · 05/06/2017 13:30

So he'd prefer social services to come and sort out the children when he leaves them? Since you can't leave the kids with him you will be a single parent with a grown up bloke in the house. Or perhaps without if this goes on.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 05/06/2017 13:30

Absolutely disgusting behaviour. The fact that he took the car, shows that it was certainly more than 2 minutes. Who the fuck leaves 2 small children alone like that and then lies about it! Sorry, but he sounds like a total PoS OP.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/06/2017 13:31

He's an utter fucking arse.
First off, leaving them -- how stupid does he have to be??
Second off - lying about it - bad enough in its own right, but THEN making DS1 out to be a liar as well? What a fucker. Who does that?

I'm so sorry. I really am, I can't bear liars, they are so fucking hard to deal with because you never know what's actually going on.
I'm disgusted that he won't take any responsibility for what he's done wrong, and disgusted more that he was happy to let a little boy take blame for something he hadn't done (lie) than own up in the first place.

Just repulsive.

Hissy · 05/06/2017 13:37

You need to sit him down and tell him absolutely that he is never, ever EVER to leave your babies alone in the house!

To accuse his DS of being a liar is utterly unacceptable. How dare he!

I'd not be able to trust him again tbh.

hottotrotsky · 05/06/2017 13:38

Tell your immature prick of a "d"h he's committing an offence by leaving his 3 and 6 yo on their own. Would he tell the cops and social services to "stop going on about it". This would be the last straw for me combined with the rank hypocrisy re your poor lads' fibs. I've a 6 yo too and embroidering the truth is par for the course and harms no one. Your arse of an h's whoppers are dangerous and - in this case - an attempt at covering up an offence.

Your dc deserve better. What shitty shoddy behaviour from a so called grown up who prob gets a kick out of fixating on his ds's supposed faults. Makes me vom.

LTB!!!!

Mummmy2017 · 05/06/2017 13:43

Ask you DP if he is as worried about someone reporting him to the police as you are? ask him if he is prepared to have a criminal record for child abuse and go to prison, because your scared stiff someone might have seen him go and the mental harm he has caused the children... and ask him what would happen if he crashed and was taken to hopsital, how you would lose your children.