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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be completely annoyed with my family?

97 replies

Laurenmclovely · 04/06/2017 15:33

Hi ladies,

This is my first time posting but this is an issue that has been brewing for a while. I am due to be induced next Saturday and my family keep demanding things of me that I really don't think I should be doing at this stage of my pregnancy. This is my first pregnancy and it hasn't been easy and I have had some health issues on top of being pregnant. Anyway, back to my question. My brother has an 11 month old girl and a 6 year old adopted son and as he and his girlfriend work full time they often just drop the kids off with ten minutes notice so I have to drop everything or look like a bad person. My older sister has no children and always makes excuses not to look after them. My nephew is a very boisterous and jealous child who constantly wants attention, which I cannot give when I have to watch my niece who has just learnt to crawl and walk and likes to stick her fingers into sockets or bangs her head etc. He acts up around me, I.e. stripping off and walking around the house naked, or lifting up my top to feel my bump or walking in while I'm on the toilet. He is very loud and has an attitude. My brother accuses me of bullying his son and yet still expects that he can drop him on me whenever he sees fit. A few weeks ago he asked if I could watch him for two days during the holidays at the end of May, I said as long as I'm not being induced and it literally is only for two days. We are now in June and he is aware I'm being induced on my niece's birthday and he has told my entire family and his partner's family I am watching his son for the whole 5 days before my induction which I definitely did not agree to. My family have also made or very clear they will not be visiting me in hospital because my niece is getting christened on the same day. I feel awful about saying no but this has been a consistent thing throughout my pregnancy and I feel like I am entitled to some rest before my son arrives, but am I being too harsh or is this justified?

OP posts:

Redredredrose · 04/06/2017 15:34

Say no, for God's sake. Your brother sounds like a complete dick.

MissBax · 04/06/2017 15:35

Jesus Christ, tell your brother to fuck right off!!
Sorry, I don't know how to say it any other way. Just say no. Don't keep doing it. It's the only way they'll learn.

MargotLovedTom1 · 04/06/2017 15:36

You need to stand up for yourself as no fucker else is going to, by the looks of things. Just Say No!!!

Hissy · 04/06/2017 15:37

The one here that COULD stop this is You!

Say to them now, "I can not have your children any more, you will need to make other plans"

InnerEar · 04/06/2017 15:37

My brother has an 11 month old girl and a 6 year old adopted son and as he and his girlfriend work full time they often just drop the kids off with ten minutes notice so I have to drop everything or look like a bad person

When they turn up on your doorstep, just say "No, I can't look after them" and close the door. After a few times, they'll get the hint.

My brother accuses me of bullying his son and yet still expects that he can drop him on me whenever he sees fit

Say this to him next time he accuses you of "bullying" his son and use it as a reason not to look after them.

My older sister has no children and always makes excuses not to look after them

If she doesn't want to look after them (and who can blame her after what you've said) then she doesn't have to; her not having children is completely irrelevant.

ShinyGirl · 04/06/2017 15:37

No. It's a complete sentence if you say it right.

Hissy · 04/06/2017 15:38

ONE text. Now.

Manage their expectations and put your foot down.

Do you have a partner to back you up on this?

Original poster

Laurenmclovely · 04/06/2017 15:39

I have said no and today he roped my mum in to ask me yet again, even though I told her on Thursday I'm just not happy doing it. I'm being vilified for being induced on my Niece's birthday but I don't see why I should plan around them!

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 04/06/2017 15:39

Read up on assertiveness and use the techniques.

Who cares if you "look like a bad person" to your family? His DC: his responsibility.

PotteringAlong · 04/06/2017 15:40

My older sister has no children and always makes excuses not to look after them

Well you don't have children either; she's just got more backbone.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/06/2017 15:41

You're being used as a doormat. Stop it now, or it will continue when your baby is born too.

Tell them you can NOT look after your nephew and niece as you will be BUSY.

Tell them you don't WANT The bunch of uncaring fuckers to come and visit you in the hospital, since they clearly don't give a flying fuck about your wellbeing - they can all sod off.

And then ignore them all.

Original poster

Laurenmclovely · 04/06/2017 15:41

Yes, my partner knows what my nephew and my family are like he is not at all happy with the way things are being handled. Yesterday was my baby shower and we spent half of it doing my brother's deliveries whilst he was on holiday which led to me passing out twice because we didn't stop for toilet breaks or food. When I got upset I got told to suck it up and just be happy I'm getting one at all.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/06/2017 15:42

OH god, ditch the bunch of twats RIGHT NOW.

Seriously.

Original poster

Laurenmclovely · 04/06/2017 15:43

My mum said I wouldn't want visitors anyway, but still insists on driving me to the hospital. My partner and I have asked his friend to drive us as a back up. I know I need to be more assertive but my family just know how to push my buttons to make me feel like shit

OP posts:

Birdsgottaf1y · 04/06/2017 15:43

It sounds as though your Nephew would benefit from structured childcare, were he won't be in the same room as his little Sister.

Your Brother is expecting too much.

However it can be tough on a first adopted child, when a sibling comes along, so lighten up on him a little. Stripping off, having a 'attitude', could be a normal six year old stage, or acting up because of his Sibling.

Try to stop viewing him as "a jealous child" and see him as a child who is struggling with the change.

InnerEar · 04/06/2017 15:43

Yesterday was my baby shower and we spent half of it doing my brother's deliveries whilst he was on holiday which led to me passing out twice because we didn't stop for toilet breaks or food. When I got upset I got told to suck it up and just be happy I'm getting one at all

Who told you to suck it up?

Why didn't you just fuck his deliveries off when you were unwell?

Are you getting paid to do his deliveries?

I'm sympathetic towards people who get bullied by family (having been myself in the past) but this is crazy, OP. You know you need to grow a spine. So fucking do it.

HildaOg · 04/06/2017 15:44

Why are you feeling guilty for their horrible behaviour to you? The more you bow down, pander, indulge, beg for more shitty treatment, the less respect and more contempt they have for you.

Stop.

Find your back bone.

Refuse to have the kids again. Ever. Say no. It doesnt suit you. Repeat as often as needed. If he turns up with them, don't answer the door. If he leaves them there anyway, call social services and declare them abandoned.

Stop being a wimp. Stop caring for the opinions of people who don't care about you, you will never please them.

Cut the bastards out. You're about to have a baby. Put your own health and child first.

Birdsgottaf1y · 04/06/2017 15:45

""I'm being vilified for being induced on my Niece's birthday but I don't see why I should plan around them!""

Did you have a choice?

MargotLovedTom1 · 04/06/2017 15:47

Please don't keep coming back to passively relate more and more examples of their shit behaviour. Are you going to tackle this?

witchofzog · 04/06/2017 15:48

Bloody hell op. This is shocking. If you dont feel able to tell them to do one then get your dp to do it. He can tell them you are unwell and they have contributed towards this. You should be resting now before the baby arrived. Not doing childcare for ungrateful arseholes

MatildaTheCat · 04/06/2017 15:48

I say this nicely but for gods sake grow a backbone right now. This is going to be even worse with a new baby. They will be visiting left, right and centre, leaving the DC for 'a few minuteshours-' and pressing all your buttons.

Send a group message saying you cannot do any childcare for the foreseeable future and you will contact each family member when you are ready for visitors. And mean it.

Your Db sounds awful and should be caring for his DC himself.

DoomGloomAndKaboom · 04/06/2017 15:49

Text him, tell him you'd love to help and you're looking forward to all the reciprocal childcare he's going to be offering after all the free childcare you've given him. However now you're not very well and you can't look after your neice and nephew for the TWO DAYS planned. Say you're very sorry but of course he wouldn't want you to be ill and collapse whilst in charge of his children, that would be very dangerous (for them, sounds like he doesn't give a shit about you) so you know he'll understand you're doing this for the children's best interests.

In other words, passive aggressive the shit out of him. As it would appear that's what he's doing to you.

Do you have a partner who can help you stand up to him? Does your SIL have family/friends who could help out?

Their childcare problems are theirs, not yours. Not facilitating their demands is OK. You can say No, sorry, I can't help you out there.

rollonthesummer · 04/06/2017 15:51

You need to stand up for yourself-no one else will!

LiveLongAndProspero · 04/06/2017 15:52

You're being a bit of a martyr. You passed out TWICE because you wouldn't stop for food? That's only on you, I'm afraid.
Your sister says no to things, why don't you? There's more to this story.....

Original poster

Laurenmclovely · 04/06/2017 15:53

Well, my mum and sister were taking me to a salon in the morning whilst they did his deliveries. However my mum got the time wrong and so I spent three hours in the car with them. I asked to be dropped off at home and they could collect me when the time came, however the deliveries were 'timed' so they were unable to. I understand your point about having a backbone, I do. Without all the hormones and being pregnant , before I would have stood my ground. And I have done so throughout my entire life, but for some reason I am always punished a little harder. I understand my nephew is 6 and it probably is hard for him to adjust, but he only acts that way around me, he is much better behaved around his parents or my mum for example. I do feel bad for snapping at him sometimes, but I just don't have the patience at the moment to deal with it. I love my niece and nephew dearly, but I just feel taken advantage of. I have told my brother that it hurts me that he feels I don't like his son, but he needs to appreciate my situation at the moment and if he really felt that way, why does he still expect me to look after him on a regular basis?

OP posts:

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