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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be completely annoyed with my family?

97 replies

Laurenmclovely · 04/06/2017 15:33

Hi ladies,

This is my first time posting but this is an issue that has been brewing for a while. I am due to be induced next Saturday and my family keep demanding things of me that I really don't think I should be doing at this stage of my pregnancy. This is my first pregnancy and it hasn't been easy and I have had some health issues on top of being pregnant. Anyway, back to my question. My brother has an 11 month old girl and a 6 year old adopted son and as he and his girlfriend work full time they often just drop the kids off with ten minutes notice so I have to drop everything or look like a bad person. My older sister has no children and always makes excuses not to look after them. My nephew is a very boisterous and jealous child who constantly wants attention, which I cannot give when I have to watch my niece who has just learnt to crawl and walk and likes to stick her fingers into sockets or bangs her head etc. He acts up around me, I.e. stripping off and walking around the house naked, or lifting up my top to feel my bump or walking in while I'm on the toilet. He is very loud and has an attitude. My brother accuses me of bullying his son and yet still expects that he can drop him on me whenever he sees fit. A few weeks ago he asked if I could watch him for two days during the holidays at the end of May, I said as long as I'm not being induced and it literally is only for two days. We are now in June and he is aware I'm being induced on my niece's birthday and he has told my entire family and his partner's family I am watching his son for the whole 5 days before my induction which I definitely did not agree to. My family have also made or very clear they will not be visiting me in hospital because my niece is getting christened on the same day. I feel awful about saying no but this has been a consistent thing throughout my pregnancy and I feel like I am entitled to some rest before my son arrives, but am I being too harsh or is this justified?

OP posts:
Sunnymorningwithbacon · 04/06/2017 16:44

And you should have had a breakfast before half nine surely?

PersianCatLady · 04/06/2017 16:45

I understand my nephew is 6 and it probably is hard for him to adjust
How long ago did your DB adopt his son??

By adjust, do you mean adjust to his adoptive family or adjust to being cared for by you??

Pinkheart5919 · 04/06/2017 16:46

Just say no ffs!

It doesn't matter he if then ropes your mother or the pope in to asking you, say No!

If you let people treat you like a door mat then they will

PersianCatLady · 04/06/2017 16:48

His paper round?
It sounded more to me like the DB is getting the OP to do his job for him.

I wonder how an employer would feel about someone getting their very pregnant sister to do their job for them??

OnionKnight · 04/06/2017 16:51

*It sounded more to me like the DB is getting the OP to do his job for him.

I wonder how an employer would feel about someone getting their very pregnant sister to do their job for them??*

I was joking about it being a paper round but yes a delivery company would take a very dim view of what is going on.

IHateUncleJamie · 04/06/2017 16:51

MsStricty is spot on: "Which is why it's so hard to break this: you are being asked to go against the conditioning of a lifetime."

It's very hard to suddenly set boundaries when you have been conditioned to think this is normal behaviour. BUT if you don't start now, things will get worse and worse, OP.

You do now need to put you, your DH, and your bump first. You do not owe your family anything, despite how they might make you feel.

Time for some self-preservation - you need to put a stop to their antics now. A pre-emptive text to your brother saying "I won't be able to look after your children any more". If your Mum pipes up, tell her that as nobody else in the family is prepared to put your welfare first, you will be doing so yourself from now on.

Did you have a choice of dates for your induction? If not, just be straight and assertive with your family and say "SIL had a choice of dates for the Christening, I did not."

Your family are treating you like a mug and you're letting them because they have brainwashed you into thinking that this is your role. It's not. Start setting boundaries and do it now, otherwise nothing will change.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 04/06/2017 16:52

Changing the habits of a lifetime are the hardest to break. That's why you need your partner's help if you can't tell them to sod off and leave you alone.

If you really can't find it in yourself to make a stand, and I do understand why you feel you can't or won't; never, ever answer the phone if it's not a call you welcome. And NEVER answer the door if you're not expecting someone. Better still, get your phone to divert all calls to your partner, so he can deflect all demands for short-notice childcare help while you get a PAYG handset and sim so you can keep in touch with everyone else.

You really, REALLY need to do something before your baby comes as they will all see you as emergency childcare on tap as you'll then be a captive audience for weeks and weeks if not months. Get your partner to tell them that hell will freeze over before you look after his kids again if you can't do it yourself. Ask him to do it now, this afternoon.

PersianCatLady · 04/06/2017 16:53

Are going to be induced on the day of your nieces birthday which is also her christening? Could you have asked if they could change the day?
Are you for real??

You sound as bad as her family that the OP could possibly change the day on which she is going to be induced to fit in with the christening.

Hubblebubble64 · 04/06/2017 16:54

For gods sake if you have no regard for your own wellbeing, consider your unborn baby. You allowed your blood sugar to go low resulting in passing out, learn how to say no.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 04/06/2017 16:54

I was only thinking in terms of the op mother visiting. She's hardly going to be able to visit easily if the op wants her too.

Sorry if that was a bad suggestionBlush Sad I'd have asked because I wanted my mum there and she was my birthing partner with my first because my husband was deployed so it would have left me on my own when I was started

PersianCatLady · 04/06/2017 16:55

I was joking about it being a paper round but yes a delivery company would take a very dim view of what is going on
Sorry I don't pick up on jokes very easily, both face-to-face and online.

Often my son will say something that he calls a joke and I will tell him that it isn't a good idea and he says MUM, JOKING!!

LiveLongAndProspero · 04/06/2017 16:55

I know it seems over dramatic but the fact is I did pass out due to low blood sugar

Yes, because you CHOSE not to eat anything all day. Your choice not someone elses.
Take responsibility for yourself and your life. Do you enjoy all the drama or to feel needed? Because you must be getting something from this situation.

PoorYorick · 04/06/2017 16:56

he only acts that way around me

That's because he picks up on the fact that you don't stand up for yourself, like everyone else. Your sister doesn't get this crap because she doesn't take it (she's not making excuses, she just realises that she's not obliged to plan her life around your brother's idiocy and she doesn't allow it). Take a leaf out of her book.

PersianCatLady · 04/06/2017 16:57

Sorry if that was a bad suggestion
I misunderstood you, I thought you meant that the OP should change the day to suit DB.

Sorry.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 04/06/2017 16:57

I don't understand why I was so attacked there. I don't think it's a totally silly suggestion if the op needs support? And the op will be stuck in hospital being induced - that's normally partner only except visiting times and the visiting is in the middle of the afternoon which will clash with a christening and then early evening which will clash with a meal? What's the family to do there - surely they can see the op the next day? First babies induced don't come quickly or they didn't with me anyway.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 04/06/2017 17:00

Your brother expects you to look after his son because it's cheap and convenient, and it's as simple as that.

You need to get your head around the fact that you are shortly to become a parent and your child's needs trumps the needs of everyone else (except your health). Tell them that you will not be caring for your brother's children for the foreseeable future because they will dump those children on you every working day during your maternity leave. You think it is hard caring for them now, imagine caring for them and a newborn while recovering from labor. They will no doubt strop and take themselves off. Quite honestly this a good thing as it sounds like you could do with a break from the lot of them. I'd be profoundly grateful to not have them at the hospital while being induced tbh.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 04/06/2017 17:01

This is what the op says

My family have also made or very clear they will not be visiting me in hospital because my niece is getting christened on the same day.

So she wants her family to visit? I don't understand why you would at least ask if it might be possible to wait a day due to wanting family support which isn't available because they are all due to be at a christening?

My sister was induced 6 weeks ago with my niece and they gave her a choice of 2 days and I would have expected her to choose the other one if there was a family christening on one of the days.

Maybe I'm too soft

TheMysteriousJackelope · 04/06/2017 17:04

OP Another reason for sticking up for yourself now, is that you are going to have to stick up for your child too soon. It sounds like you are the subordinate sibling pushed around by your brother, sister, mother. It is quite common for that to go down through the generations - so your child will be forced into that role too with his/her needs coming behind those of the cousins. I can see it would be hard to stand up for yourself, but really, you are standing up for your child and what they need. You need to draw a line in the sand now before the birth, that you will consider their needs first.

PersianCatLady · 04/06/2017 17:11

I don't understand why I was so attacked there
Sorry, I misunderstood what you meant.

Inertia · 04/06/2017 17:14

You need to start saying no and not caring if they badmouth you.

eddielizzard · 04/06/2017 17:24

one thing having kids teaches you is how to say no. because you have to start saying no for their sake instead of yours. i wouldn't be looking after anyone's children except your own for the next 6 months at least, or until you feel you WANT to. if it were me i'd never want to.

RichardSimmons · 04/06/2017 17:29

Well, YA certainly NBU to not want to watch your brother's kids. But YABU to think there is some medical or pregnancy-related reason why you can't or shouldn't do it. What do you think people do with their older kids when they have subsequent pregnancies?

dailyshite · 04/06/2017 17:32

I think the fact that this little boy is adopted is relevant in lots of ways but I'm not sure that the OP quite understands why.

He sees you pregnant and this may be quite hard for him. He didn't get to stay with his birth mum, this might bring up feelings of fear, abandonment etc and he may be testing out those feelings. It's totally natural for a child who has experienced disrupted attachment and perhaps trauma to behave in what might be perceived as a demanding way.

However, you DB sounds like an arsehole who is putting both you and this little boy in a very difficult situation.

You need to say no and he needs to think about how his behaviour affects the people around him.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/06/2017 17:33

Your DP and impending DC are your family now. Your brother is prioritising his DP and dc. It's strange when the shift happens but you just need to acknowledge that the natural ebb for you to form your own family is here. There are many catalysts for the ebb to occur but children is one of the strongest ones.
Once DC is there you will hopefully find it easier but just think about how your parents situations have probably changed with your grandparents and siblings once they had kids.

Shutupanddance1 · 04/06/2017 17:36

I'd be putting my feet up, locking my front door and on no uncertain circumstances answering any calls and texts off family until your happy to do so.

Fuck that for a bag of noise!

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