To be completely annoyed with my family?

[Laurenmclovely]

Hi ladies,

This is my first time posting but this is an issue that has been brewing for a while. I am due to be induced next Saturday and my family keep demanding things of me that I really don't think I should be doing at this stage of my pregnancy. This is my first pregnancy and it hasn't been easy and I have had some health issues on top of being pregnant. Anyway, back to my question. My brother has an 11 month old girl and a 6 year old adopted son and as he and his girlfriend work full time they often just drop the kids off with ten minutes notice so I have to drop everything or look like a bad person. My older sister has no children and always makes excuses not to look after them. My nephew is a very boisterous and jealous child who constantly wants attention, which I cannot give when I have to watch my niece who has just learnt to crawl and walk and likes to stick her fingers into sockets or bangs her head etc. He acts up around me, I.e. stripping off and walking around the house naked, or lifting up my top to feel my bump or walking in while I'm on the toilet. He is very loud and has an attitude. My brother accuses me of bullying his son and yet still expects that he can drop him on me whenever he sees fit. A few weeks ago he asked if I could watch him for two days during the holidays at the end of May, I said as long as I'm not being induced and it literally is only for two days. We are now in June and he is aware I'm being induced on my niece's birthday and he has told my entire family and his partner's family I am watching his son for the whole 5 days before my induction which I definitely did not agree to. My family have also made or very clear they will not be visiting me in hospital because my niece is getting christened on the same day. I feel awful about saying no but this has been a consistent thing throughout my pregnancy and I feel like I am entitled to some rest before my son arrives, but am I being too harsh or is this justified?

What was your familys reaction to you passing out?
Have you been checked over by midwife since then?

Im surprised your brother is happy for you to babysit if you are passing out.

That aside you need to send a text or email to your brother now saying you can not watch his children anymore.

You need to rest.

So OP - what are you going to do?

Laurenmclovely sorry pregnancy has been tough but congratulations on your forthcoming exciting event!

"My brother has an 11 month old girl and a 6 year old adopted son and as he and his girlfriend work full time they often just drop the kids off with ten minutes notice so I have to drop everything or look like a bad person."

How did you get into this situation. Why did they think this was OK? Why hav eyou acceoted it until now? I used to be a people-pleaser and found it hard to say no, but I toughended uo read a book on assertiveness and now take pride in being assertive.

"My brother accuses me of bullying his son and yet still expects that he can drop him on me whenever he sees fit."

Just be super clear. No, I do not bully your child. At all.

BUT also, you need to say no, not anymore. I am *no longer available to look after your children, at all."

You are prehgnant and unwell, unabel to look after kids and once yuor baby is born you need time with your baby alone, no other kids and that s that.

"We are now in June and he is aware I'm being induced on my niece's birthday and he has told my entire family and his partner's family I am watching his son for the whole 5 days before my induction which I definitely did not agree to."

Call him now and say "I belive you are telling everyone that I am looking after your kids before my induction, I cannot do it, I did not say I would and I cannot. Do nbot bring them here."

If your family members bring the kids to your door, do not open the door.

YOU are being bullied by your brother, you may not realise it but that is what is happening,. You must say NO, now.

"My family have also made or very clear they will not be visiting me in hospital because my niece is getting christened on the same day. I feel awful about saying no but this has been a consistent thing throughout my pregnancy and I feel like I am entitled to some rest before my son arrives, but am I being too harsh or is this justified?"

Your brother having his dd Christened on a day you cannot attend as you are being induced, seems very bad of them.

Did you say you did or did not want the family at the hospital?

With christening in my church, they are normally booked 8/10 weeks in advance at the church and the same for the hotel so I don't know that the brother and his partner are to blame for that? Unless the op has known for months when she was being induced, in which case yes of course they are.

LiveLongAndProspero "Yes, because you CHOSE not to eat anything all day. Your choice not someone elses."

I t sounds to me like she was stuck in a car being driven around with no food, that doesn't sound like a choice. She asked to be taken home.

Your post is so offensive.

"Do you enjoy all the drama or to feel needed? Because you must be getting something from this situation." NO, not necessarily, some people get stuck with shit families, made to feel bad all the time, used all the time, sounds like OP has this type of family. Not someone who likes the drama of fainting while pregnant!

PoorYorick "That's because he picks up on the fact that you don't stand up for yourself, like everyone else. Your sister doesn't get this crap because she doesn't take it (she's not making excuses, she just realises that she's not obliged to plan her life around your brother's idiocy and she doesn't allow it). Take a leaf out of her book."

are you an expert on adoption Yorick. No, I am not either but I do have an adopted child and I reckon there may be another reason the child acts up around the *OP( and not his praents). maybe he feels more comfortable with her, maybe he is not yet able to play up at home because he worries what the consequences will be.

Anyway, either way, your brother and his wife chose to adopt and chose to have another child so they will need to handle this.

Sunny "Maybe I'm too soft", No I think realistically the OP should not attempt to alter her induction day for anything other than a medical reason. I would not risk it.

Not to suit her niece's birthday or Christening. As far as I am aware, induction is based on the best needs of the baby and mum, I feel pretty sure of that having been induced on my due date due to pre-eclamspia) and not based on other family birthdays or activities!

RichardSimmons "But YABU to think there is some medical or pregnancy-related reason why you can't or shouldn't do it. What do you think people do with their older kids when they have subsequent pregnancies?"

Maybe you should not make medical assumptions about the OP unless you are a) a doctor and b) have seen her medical notes and examined her!

Yes, loads of people look after kids while pregnant but not all.

Laurenmclovely

"I have said no and today he roped my mum in to ask me yet again, even though I told her on Thursday I'm just not happy doing it. I'm being vilified for being induced on my Niece's birthday but I don't see why I should plan around them!"

Tell your mum she is in danger of loosing a relationship with you and your child if she gives in to your brother's bullying behaviour.

"Yesterday was my baby shower and we spent half of it doing my brother's deliveries whilst he was on holiday which led to me passing out twice because we didn't stop for toilet breaks or food. When I got upset I got told to suck it up and just be happy I'm getting one at all." Who told you to suck it up?

Why are you doing things for your abusive brother? Say no, any argumens I woul seriously go no contact. You are putting yourself and your baby in danger.

Who do you want to drive you to the hospital? Get them to do it.

Do you want visitors at the hosptial? If yes, say so, if no, say so. If you say you want visitors and none come I woudl seriously see this as a big issue and would warn your family you are thinking of going no contact.

"... my family just know how to push my buttons to make me feel like shit." Then stop seeing them until they can behave.

Birdsgottaf1y "Try to stop viewing him as "a jealous child" and see him as a child who is struggling with the change." He is clearly a child in need because his parents are not looking after him properly. 'Dumping' him and his sister on the OP iwth 10 minutes warning must be awful for him as well as the OP. But really is it not her issue. Her brother and his wife adopted the boy, not her. I have an adopted son, also 6, I would never drop him at friends or relavties on a regular basis with only minutes warning.

To nogrip and all the other abusive unpleasant people on here. Cut it out. Support the OP or don't post.

Sorry I tried to break up those long posts but they are the wrong way round!

Sorry for the long posts OP I am just so fuming on behalf of you.

Definitely not being unreasonable. Go to the doctors, and then tell them all you have been told to rest - so no more. Do not look after your nephew or do any of their errands. They are being selfish and pig ignorant. Time to look after yourself and your unborn child. Nothing unreasonable about that at all.

And tell your brother he needs to find proper childcare for his son, as you will not be available at all - end off.

"why does he still expect me to look after him on a regular basis?"

Because he knows his expectations will be met.

"which led to me passing out twice because we didn't stop for toilet breaks or food."

I do understand that it is all very overwhelming, but I think you really do have to consider that you have a choice here.

You can choose to continue to be overwhelmed, allowing your family to control you and ... in doing so ... accept that you are putting not only your health, but especially your unborn baby's health, at risk.
(Added to which, you must be aware that ... unless you stop it now ... this will continue within days of your son being born. Are you willing to expose him to risk in this way?)

Or you can choose to finally unleash your inner mother-tiger, and defend your son. Both now before he is born, and once he is here. Starting now. Tonight.

I do know it's difficult to start. How about you start with a text message? I can't remember if you said if you have a husband/partner. If so, get him to send the text. If not, you can still do this yourself.

Simply say 'I'm afraid I am no longer physically, mentally or emotionally up to coping with DNeice and DNephew, so won't be able to help with child care. I know you knew that I intended to stop at the end of May, anyway, so I'm just confirming in case you'd forgotten'.

Then refuse to discuss with either your brother or your mother.

I t sounds to me like she was stuck in a car being driven around with no food, that doesn't sound like a choice. She asked to be taken home

Come off it. She's a grown woman who only had to say "pull over" and get out. Instead she sat there and dramatically passed out twice.

Who behaves like that?

Just to add, if you need to, I don't think there would be anything wrong with 'stretching' the facts to give you a bit of back-up in messaging them. Make them take you a bit more seriously.

Something like (if from your husband/partner):

'Hi Laurenmc's mum/brother/sister, You know Laurenmc has had unstable blood sugar for a while, well we had a bit of a scare tonight. Don't worry, she's okay but both the hospital and GP say that's it, she must rest for the rest of the pregnancy and beyond. Thought I should let you know, just in case you were planning any outings, or thinking about bringing the children over. It goes without saying that she won't be able to childmind or anything else, and if you're planning on visiting, phone first, as she will (hopefully) be sleeping. Quiet rest from here on in. I'll keep you posted as to how she is'

ADishBestEatenCold, great advice, get protective now. Remember if you do not challenge them then they will be doing this shit with your child too!

"...unleash your inner mother-tiger..."

Or mama bear but actually the animal kingdom has some awesome animal mothers!

www.thedodo.com/protective-animal-moms-1225565790.html

"Simply say 'I'm afraid I am no longer physically, mentally or emotionally up to coping with DNeice and DNephew, so won't be able to help with child care. I know you knew that I intended to stop at the end of May, anyway, so I'm just confirming in case you'd forgotten'.

Then refuse to discuss with either your brother or your mother."

Perfect, no future date that you may be able to take over being an unpaid childminder, no apologies, just the facts.

If they come to the door, do not open it.

LiveLongAndProspero still wanting to be mean? Maybe you have not been part of a manipulative family. I have not. But I can well believe they put their needs above the OP.

To put the christening thing into perspective : My ex inlaws a ranged my ex husbands funeral around my 34 week growth scan when I was pregnant with DD. This was for a child from my new partner and me and ex had a very acrimonious split including my having some rather blazing rows with his father! That is how decent people conduct themselves.

A christening will have been arranged long before, unlike a funeral which is a matter of days.
And I don't think its normal at all to arrange a funeral around an ex wifes hospital appts, I find that bizarre.

But I can well believe they put their needs above the OP

so can I. But OP can and should put her childs needs first, even if she won't do it for herself. She could easily have got herself food but she didn't.

If my heavily pregnant daughter or sister passed out when I was with her, I'd be pulling out all the stops to ensure she was well rested and properly cared for.

Anything else and they are not your friends.

Get your partner to send a nice text, as above, making it all clear, whilst you go and have a lie down.

Time to focus on caring for you and your baby.

I've been thinking about this all day.

Where I'm from, in my faith, christening are held on a Sunday.

Is that not the case in others?

Sunny agree christening are on a Sunday but some hospitals also do weekend inductions

No Sunny, I've been to Christenings on weekdays and weekends.

What the actual fucking fuck? Lock your door. Tell them all you're tired and resting. No looking after kids, no visitors. What is wrong with them?

As ADish says, get your partner to send a text saying you've been ordered to rest from now on. Then don't answer your phone and put the chain on when you answer the door. They sound like people who would just walk in regardless.