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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband's female friend is causing issues

82 replies

HannahGJ · 04/06/2017 13:35

I'm new here so forgive me for not knowing abbreviations and what not.

I have been married to a wonderful man for just over eight months now. He took my one year old twins on as his, he introduced me to his friends and family (His brother and his children with his first wife who sadly died) And he introduced me to his best female friend.

At first, I loved this girl - Went out with her for drinks, went out for girly days. You name it - We did it. She's recently gotten herself a lovely boyfriend. This guy could put all Men to shame, he's like James Bond but wears Jeans and a t-shirt but yet she still wants my Husband to fix her issues. She calls him all the time, she wants him around. It's making me sick with worry that this girl will ruin my marriage

I'm considering Divorcing him, not because I don't love him - I love him with everything but I'm not the kind of girl that does well with heartbreak. Neither of them realise that what they're doing is wrong.

Okay. That was one heck of a whinge
Once again, I'm new here so be gentle. I really could use a friendly bit of advice

OP posts:
Redredredrose · 04/06/2017 13:38

What kind of issues does she want him to fix, how long have they been friends and most importantly, have you spoken to him about this? Do you trust him?

FavouriteWasteofSlime · 04/06/2017 13:39

Have you spoken to him about it?

Ginosaji · 04/06/2017 13:39

You need to talk to him, unless you do he wont realise how much this is upsetting you

JeffStellingsLeftEyebrow · 04/06/2017 13:39

A pre-emptive divorce seems a bit much tbh.

LedaP · 04/06/2017 13:39

Why is this an issue now but hasnt been in the past?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/06/2017 13:41

He needs to back off from her issues. Unless he does this, you have a husband issue as much as the friend issue. How he responds to this is very important.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/06/2017 13:41

What's the issue here? You haven't really said... she calls a lot - more than she did before? How much is a lot? Have you asked your husband to reduce the calls a bit?

To be honest, it doesn't sound like you trust him, or them. I'm not sure that's an excellent basis for a marriage but I wouldn't divorce him on a whim either; I'd talk to him. It might help if you can verbalise why you're so worried about them, too.

ElspethFlashman · 04/06/2017 13:42

How long have you been with him?

Your twins were a year old when you got married? Or are a year old now?

Willyoujustbequiet · 04/06/2017 13:42

You have one year old twins but by a different dad, married this guy 8 months ago and are now considering divorce?

Blimey my head is spinning at how quick your life moved.

TheWitTank · 04/06/2017 13:44

Divorce seems an extreme first step to take. Talk honestly to your DH -it's not fair that he lose his friends, but their are boundaries be that friend male or female. Expecting a friend to be at your beck and call for EVERY favour or task isn't on.

PaperdollCartoon · 04/06/2017 13:44

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? It sounds like they're close, which is fine. What do you mean by issues, you haven't actually mentioned anything other than she has a new boyfriend

Ginosaji · 04/06/2017 13:44

If they have been friends for a long time she may being going to him out of habit, and he may be responding out of habit, you MUST talk to him and calmly explain how this is upsetting you, chances are once he knows this he will feel bad for unwittingly upsetting you and cut back on the help he gives her

TheWitTank · 04/06/2017 13:44

There not their. Gah.

pancakesunday · 04/06/2017 13:45

You need to talk to him about how it makes you feel. If he is thoughtful to your feelings he will ask her to back off a little. I have been in a similar situation years ago but sadly my feelings didn't matter as much as hers although she was 'only a friend'

pinkyredrose · 04/06/2017 13:46

If she's s girl then YANBU I'd be worried too.

TidyDancer · 04/06/2017 13:47

So would you have the same issue of this was a male friend? I very much doubt it.

I think you probably need to take some time to think if your reaction is proportionate or reasonable. You are someone who seemingly moves very fast and that may not lend to an overly rational mind. Divorce as a reaction to your husband's friend relying on him for help is not what most reasonable people would regard as 'normal'.

Alanna1 · 04/06/2017 13:48

I think you need to back off. My husband had a very close female friend for about a decade until they had a falling out. I did find it a bit threatening, but.... if anything was going to happen between your husband and her, it would have done. He choose you. Sounds to me like it might be similar. Good luck.

OriginalArchitect · 04/06/2017 13:48

I get the feeling that you somehow feel because she landed an adonis, she is more of a threat to your marriage than she was before, why is that?

Shloooooob · 04/06/2017 13:49

What happened between you becoming best mates with his friend to wanting a divorce because she calls him a lot??

bluebeck · 04/06/2017 13:50

Hmmm, well I would never have got involved with a man who had a female BF like this as I am a jealous bitch.

Has her behaviour escalated or is it your reaction to it?

Fairenuff · 04/06/2017 13:53

What does your husband say when you talk to him about it?

scottishdiem · 04/06/2017 13:58

So he has a best female friend. Who are been single at the same time he was single (cant tell totally be seems so?) but you are now worried that because he is married to you and she has a boyfriend that you think they are going to cause you heartbreak? This doesnt make sense.

This is a preexisting set-up that you have been welcomed into and he married you.

Have you given up your best friend for your husband? If not, why not. Surely this giving up of best friends should be a reciprocal thing?

Spouses are different from best friends. You do know he will have talked to her about you prior to you ever meeting her? You do know that he probably told her not long after your first had sex?

You can, if you think it appropriate, to work out how much time he spends there and then decide if its too much. Compare their friendship to your own with your best friends past and present. I think you can talk about how much time he spends with here and where the borders might be. If he spends more time communicating with her than you then you may have a point but on this post you come across as insecure and jealous.

TheNaze73 · 04/06/2017 14:02

I think you're overthinking it

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/06/2017 14:05

I had a similar issue when I was seeing my first boyfriend. A girl "friend" had introduced us, but she seemed to think that she had first dibs on my boyfriend because she knew him first, even though she had her own boyfriend as well, it was still MY boyfriend she called whenever she needed a lift, help, anything.
She was a threat to my relationship for sure - she thought she was more important to him than I was. Sadly for her, she turned out to be wrong - but it did put my relationship under strain for a while!

I wouldn't pre-emptively divorce him, that's a bit daft - but I would certainly sit him down and ask him why she thinks she should come first in his life, and whether or not he thinks that she is more important than you are to him, or whether you are.

Remember that it's YOU he married - you should be number one in his life, regardless of longevity of his friendship - and he should understand that.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 04/06/2017 14:06

So many red flags, he has to ditch his best friend to keep you, have you ditched yours? You have one year old babies, are now married to someone other than their dad and are now considering ditching him as you can't control him.

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