to ask if this is normal behaviour for a 10 year old?

[LottieG100]

DD is 10 and while bright at school, she seems to have a complete and utter lack of common sense. She does things and totally doesn't see that it could go wrong and then becomes very defensive when it does.

Some examples:

She raced ahead of her brother to open a door and got there first. After going through she pushed it in his face. If I hadn't managed to catch it, it would most likely have broken his nose. She seemed genuinely shocked when I told her this - there wasn't malice in her eyes, she intended it as a joke but just couldn't foresee the consequence.

At swimming she was playing a game where her and her two year old sister raced to get a ball in the water. 2 year old got out onto the side to jump in and DD shouted 'fetch!' and threw the ball on the side of the pool. Of course, 2 year old chased it and slipped and banged her head. Again, DD was totally bewildered that things had gone wrong.

Without fail, when we walk our dog she will throw her ball in a bush, long grass or the water and or dog will lose the ball. She just doesn't see that throwing it in certain places will mean it gets lost and end playtime with our dog.

She was playing with DS and picked him up and spun him round several times. He gets dizzy really quickly and when she put him down she told him to run because there was a monster and he ran straight into the wall opposite.

I could go on as these instances are becoming almost a daily occurrence. I feel like she needs supervising and reprimanding more than her 2 year old sister a lot of the time. AIBU to ask if your ten year old is like this?

Sounds like she's a bit jealous of the attention her 2yo sister is getting. Elder kids often revert to babyish behavior when younger siblings come along. A bit of one to one attention or babying might appease her?
I think you also might need to run through scenarios with her cause and affect etc and also let her deal with the consequences of her actions. So if she throws the ball into the nettles ask her how she is going to get it back or how she is going to deal with the distraught dog.
A 10 yo can't really be held responsible for a 2yo. They enjoy it when they are getting attention for it but you can't trust them to remain attentive.

I don't see how her sister falling over wasn't her fault. She told her to run and if she hadn't she wouldn't have fallen. Same with her brother running into the wall. I don't expect her to be responsible or look out for the younger two, I just don't expect her to actively do things that hurt them or encourage them to do things that will hurt them.

It's usually others that her behaviour affects and she will be very upset if it affects her. For example, there's a place we walk our dog where the water isn't safe for the dog to swim in yet frequently she'll throw the ball in so the dog goes in. The dog then isn't allowed on the sofa to sit with her as usual and she'll be absolutely distraught but still repeat the behaviour next time.

Shes not really actively hurting them. I think you are being quite harsh, she is being thoughtless but I think you are expecting too much and putting too much blame on her. She's not encouraging them to pinch themselves or something.
It was your 2 yo that ran not her, you should be making sure your 2 yo doesn't run on the side of the pool.

She can be spiteful, but through words and being irritating (blocking their path ect) rather than trying to inflict pain. I think she's aware how much she hates pain so she's super cautious about keeping herself safe but isn't bothered if anyone else is hurt.

I see we've been told not to mention any labels etc already on this thread but I wanted to just echo CountessYgritte on the ADHD points...

The inability to see consequence, the need for routine,emotionally Immature and clingy. Does she struggle to concentrate and focus? It is nothing to do with intelligence by the way. People often get tetchy and say it couldn't possibly be ADHD because their child is bright and not naughty.

My now 11 year old has just been diagnosed after years of being 'that sort of child'. No empathy, no idea of consequences, no understanding of how on earth anything could be his fault, massively immature emotionally... His behaviour was more or less controlled at school until the last year when the wheels came off and he ended up with sanctions and exclusions. Eventually people starting listening to us as parents, hence the diagnosis and also further issues picked up by an Ed Psych.

How is she at school/clubs away from her siblings?

I have an 11yo dd and your dd doesn't sound typical to me, there are def a few red flags there. It may be worth speaking to the SENCO at her school to get their opinion.

The over reaction to pain and the hair brush points towards sensory issues which can also be a trait of ASD.

She is extremely immature in all ways. She will ask the two year old and her little friends for a race and let them think they're going to win then nip ahead at the end and laugh and gloat that she's faster

I have wondered about ADHD. She can't sit still and has bags of energy. She often falls off her chair as a result of fidgeting. When she finishes eating she'll keep getting up and down or start singing extremely loudly. She knows the consequences for not waiting nicely while others finish are no pudding. I'll warn her once then ignore her. When everyone's finished she asks for pudding and is crying and hysterical when I say no. It's like she doesn't know how she's acting a lot of the time.

One thing the Ed Psych said about my boy was that he acted as though his behaviour was inevitable and he didn't seem to think he had any control over it. That appointment and his paed one where he was diagnosed and medicated for ADHD were very close so we didn't really have chance to address one issue at a time. The thing that stuck out to me though was that now he's far more settled he does see that his behaviour is a choice and he does have control - and this has been evident in his actions at home and at school.

Certainly not suggesting it is ADHD but it's definitely worth talking to school and your GP - we went to the GP after an exclusion with a really good letter from his class teacher that got us a paediatric referral. Also speak with the SENCo and see what they can observe for you.

lottie from your posts, it just sounds like you care so much more about the two year old. You have mentioned the two year old in almost every situation. If you pay that much more attention to the 2 year old in real life, no wonder the 10 year old is acting up.

Not saying that's the case, but it's how it reads to me.

No, it's not normal behaviour, especially the lack of empathy and failure to recognise / acknowledge the consequences that her actions have on others.

I sound completely fed up! It must be frustrating, and continuous if there's not a lot of learning going on.

What do you think is happening?

Ds is 10. He doesnt have common sense for some things - I can imagine him doing almost all the things in your OP for example but he does show common sense sometimes eg crossing roads / not blindly following friends when they're doing something wrong etc. He did split his sisters lip by swinging her round by her arms then letting go because he thought she'd just sort of fly

He also can be incredibly self centred and seems to forget the entire universe does not revolve around him but and this is his saving grace - he is very very empathetic at times eg cries at the news, gives hard earned pocket money to charity, sticks up for people etc etc:

It's quite the opposite Seoul. I feel the 2 year old is ignored a lot of the time that her sister is around because she dominates everything.

But are your interactions with her positive, OP? Or just you yelling at her that she is doing bad stuff every time?

Not saying that's the case, but you do sound very down on her.

I have children of similar ages and so much of this sounds like my eldest it's untrue. Loads of it is basically jealousy, not necessarily after more attention but in our case the eldest is jealous that he has much more responsibility due to his age. He does things like your a lot... But I've recently realised he only behaves like thus when his little sister is around. If she's not there he's much more sensible.

What was she like when she was younger?

We spend time just the two of us often and get on really well the majority of the time. But then she'll do something stupid like push her brother off a curb in the middle of it all and look bewildered as to why I'm cross and then her behaviour will be sulky and sullen as if she wants me to suck up to her to apologise for telling her off and win her over again.

She doesn't have any responsibility at all though, that's what makes it difficult to understand.

She seemed sensible when she was younger. She just doesn't seem to have matured at all.

So when it's just the two of you, does she do lots of silly things?

You really could be describing my eldest, it's uncanny. He was very sensible up until a couple of years ago, but since the youngest has been about a year old all sense has gone out the window. It's like he's regressed or something

I do worry a lot about it, I'm hoping it's a phase.

She can't because as an adult I can stop her - I. E. She couldn't shove me into the road or trap my fingers in a door because I'd move them. But she does still behave thoughtlessly.

She must have some responsibility? I mean, you do everything for a toddler don't you, while she'll be expected to do certain things for herself, tidy her room, do homework, etc presumably?

Me too. People say 'oh she can babysit in a few years' and the thought fills me with horror. There's no way she could be responsible for herself, let alone others.

It's funny so many posters on here saying 'she's only ten, give her a break - she doesn't understand the consequences' yet the age of criminal responsibility is 8. She could easily have seriously injured her siblings and I'm not sure you'd all be so understanding then.

She won't spend time in her room alone so it's not messy. Homework means time with me so she's fine with that.