To wonder why women fall for this?

[Falalala]

My ex got remarried two years ago. He hasn't seen our son for four years. His choice. He hasn't paid a penny in maintenance, he ducked and dodged the CSA for ages and now I've given up.

He got together with his wife very soon after we split up. Not sure if she was OW. She's well off, and I suspect ex is a cocklodger with her as he was with me. She did send me some out of the blue texts telling me that I was a terrible person and I'd never be able to touch a penny of her money. Not nice, but I suspect ex was filling her head with shit. So I don't hold it against her.

Anyway, I've heard through mutual friends that she is pregnant. My son will have a sibling he'll probably never meet. It's dredged up a lot of thoughts and feelings to be honest. Ex has already abandoned one child. He's said some awful things about me,but if they were true then why was he happy to leave his son in my sole care? With no support?

Now he has another woman eating out of his hand, making herself vulnerable, and he'll probably fuck off on her in a few years too. and no doubt charm another woman into paying for him to sit on his ass.

I wonder about his wife now. Does she ever think of the child he abandoned and worry he will do the same to her? Will their happy family life seem hollow, knowing there's a little boy who for all they know, could be living a shit life? My son has a great life by the way, but how do they know that?

Maybe my experiences have made me overly cautious, but I really think men who don't support their children should be shunned. When a woman abandons her child she is vilified, she is seen as an unnatural bitch, but when a man does it he still has a queue of women lining up, ready to give him another chance, making excuses for him.

This really isn't right, is it? A man who abandons his children should not be seen as a good relationship option. I see this time and time again, they walk away scot free, only to do the same thing again

My ex lives the life of Riley, drives a fancy car, has multiple foreign holidays a year while I slave to afford a week's camping for DS. How on earth do.these people sleep at night?

Seriously, I've lived with a cocklodger husband, thank your lucky stars he is gone and isn't fighting you for custody of your son. he is a weak minded, pathetic sponger and no role model for your child.
I get on my knees every night in my head and thank God mine pissed off, no doubt there will be an OW but he isn't my problem any more.
I'm happy to work all hours for me not for some lazy gobshite.

I don't know tbh, I could never be with a man that abandoned a child as to me that says the kind of person they are. Only a certain kind of person doesn't see the child!

Will your ex really hang around for this child when the going gets tough, I'd bet not

Your child has you and is better off without a rubbish father

Chances are he has told her a totally different story and in it you are the baddie. That's how blokes like that work. I have seen a few threads on here about bitch ex's and how partners are totally innocent.
Let them get on with it and don't give it head space. Monkeys and circus and all that

I think anyone who puts their sex/love life over their children, is an utter bell end

as PPs have said, men like this tell lies about their previous partners- if you haven't had the life experience to tell you such lies are deeply suspect, you might believe the sob stories. I don't know what the answer is in terms of protecting women but I can only suggest you kick him out of your head for the sake of your and your son's peace of mind.

I don't think it's just limited to men. Plenty of both sex don't financially support their children and go onto have more. For many, the need to have a partner and sex life is far more important sadly.

Oh I'll never stop thinking the universe he fucked off! I tried so hard to facilitate a relationship between him and DS but if I'm honest it's much easier with him not around because as DS gets older I can see what a horrible role model ex would have been. He would have ruined DS.

Don't get me wrong, I'm delighted he has gone, but the news of this pregnancy has just made me think a lot.

I have no doubt he told his wife that I'm a huge massive bitch whore. But there was never any effort to gain custody of DS, even to see him more frequently, to make sure he had what he needed. DS used to visit ex, and he'd come home starving because ex didn't feed him all day.

From what I know of the wife, she's a reasonably bright woman. So why is she having a baby with the man who is happy to leave his firstborn son in the hands of Bitch From Hell, aka me? And given that he DOES seem happy to leave his son in my sole care.... Would that not indicate that I'm maybe not that bad?

And either way, ex knows where I live. For £2.50 or less, he could send my child a birthday card at least. He's never done that either.

It's not just the new wife.... When we split up he inherited our friendship group....the friends that I introduced him too. Presumably they buy into his nonsense too.

Again, he has contributed the square root of fuck all to DS. He has spent every penny he earns on himself. If I did the same thing, I would very rightly be taken up for child neglect as DS would be left hungry and cold. Yet my ex has carried on with his life with apparently not one cloud to sully his perfect horizon

It's bloody bonkers isn't it? I've been working so hard this past few years, I think it's only hitting me now how utterly warped the whole scenario is- and it's not an uncommon one at all

I do generally roll my eyes when I see a man's ex described on here in the most awful terms by the new partner. And usually they're are terrible mothers. I wonder how intelligent women fall for the bullshit.

I'm a bitch whore too.

Sorry to hear this OP.

I bet he has told her that you have made his life hard, a misery, you keep him from his son, etc etc.

I do agree with Mermaidinthesea "... thank your lucky stars he is gone and isn't fighting you for custody of your son."

Maybe one day your son will meet his half sibling. I think (I know you did not ask this) but it would be helpful to think about how to tell your son about his dad and half sibling. Just because it is better to always know about these things.

Plenty of both sex don't financially support their children
Really? I'd love to see the stats for single parent families headed by men with 0% contributed by the mother.

The cost of benefits to bail out men who dodge their responsibilities is many millions, potentially billions a year (not easy to find, as no govt has actually totalled it, but a good guesstimate makes it shit loads of money).

I agree that any man who is known to be a father but isn't doing the best he can to raise his kids, should actually be a complete social outcast. Imagine how much more in taxes could be saved if men actually paid the money they owe for raising their kids.

Many, many other countries have very workable systems that don't allow this to happen. I have no idea why UK govt. seem to prefer spending millions a year rather than making men step up and support their own children. What with the need for 'austerity' you'd think a govt would jump at the chance to slash the benefits bill.

Just to put the other side of the story I am the half sibling who has now been reconciled with my three half sisters and brother. My Dad left their Mother because he found her in bed with his brother and before that he knew she had had other affairs. One of my half sisters might be my cousin too. She does know this now and jokingly says she doesn't look like the rest of us. To his credit he did pay maintainemce for his children and I know that my Mum sometimes went hungry because of the lack of money that was left over. She wasn't the other woman by the way, my Dad met her a year after leaving his first wife because of the affair with his brother. My siblings were told lies about my Dad and were told that he was the bad guy who left her for no good reason. He did see them as much as he could when he was allowed to. It is only now that all of our parents have died and that we are adults that they realise that their Mum was not blameless in this case and that it was her lies that kept us apart for so long. I agree though that I couldn't be with a man or have a child with a man who didn't have contact or support his children. I'm just saying that I almost missed out on having a relationship with my siblings and I'm so glad that they are now in my life as I'm an only child, my Mum had several miscarriages after having me. Both my parents died when I was only in my thirties, so having my siblings in my life since then has made me feel less alone and despite the missing years I have a very close bond with them now.

Apologies for The typos I'm tired and a bit emotional after hearing about the terrorist attacks last night and my stupid iPad keyboard seems to have a mind of it's own😳

Some people have an out of sight out of mind attitude. They dont think of the other dc. They also dont think the same will happen to them.

Denial can be a very powerful thing. People sometimes believe what they want to believe. He will have painted himself as the victim no doubt and told her you won't let him see his child. She'll probably find out what he's like once the baby is born.

I don't understand it either OP. My X became my X because he spent every penny we had on slot machines. I kicked him out when our sons were 2 and 1. His 'contact' was when he felt like it and never paid a penny maintenance. He next GF very quickly had a child, and then his next one - 3 more gfs after that! That's 7 children, never seeing their dad, never paying a penny maintaining his children. He eventually found another lady - who he left his wife for (he managed to not impregnate his wife), who yes quickly got pregnant, they had a beautiful little boy, he - my very X - decided to be a real dad asked if my DC could see him again, get to know their little brother etc. New son was found to have muscular dystrophy and VX 'realised' what an arse he was.
His gf found out she was pregnant again - she was freaking out, very unplanned - the bastard then left her as it was 'too much'. He left her pregnant, alone with a little boy with muscular dystrophy. VX never paid a penny, never took his DC out, never stepped up and looked after his DS or set eyes on his new DD. He had the nerve to ring me to be a character witness for him at court. I told him I would love to, I hope the judge makes he has to pay all his money to his X with a disabled child. He told me I was a little harsh with him! Funnily enough, I didn't get to be his character witness.
And STILL he found another female to shack up with him.
That's 9 children, 9 that's he's never paid maintenance for, at least 8 + women who didn't think, 'once is sad, but the rest of women? He doesn't want to see his kids?'
I really can't get my head around it.

"I think anyone who puts their sex/love life over their children, is an utter bell end"

This.

And no matter how "psycho" the ex, would you not be suspicious of a man who doesn't see his child? I'm sure there's plenty of "she doesn't let me..." but you'd have to be pretty thick to believe that "she doesn't let me" would stop someone seeing their kid if they really wanted to.

More fool her, and what a shame for the children, who'll be the ones missing out here.

Millionsmom
Did every gf know he'd had a child previously before getting pregnant?
Did he have to pay any money?
That poor woman! ( and you obviously)

You're lucky you're no longer with him op.
There is a chance he may stay with this one and bring this child up, or he may do the same thing to her.
Ofcourse you're going to feel upset.
Hopefully in the future your son and his sibling will be able to have a relationship.

YANBU. Non-payment of child support should be made into a crime in my opinion. If there was a threat of jail then I'm sure some of them would pay up.

I don't think I'm going too far by saying men like Millionsmom's X should be sterilised.... on a two strikes and you're out rule. Refuse to support your first family, and you get a prison sentence for neglect. Do it a second time and it's a longer prison sentence and a vasectomy.

Ps I don't have experience of this, so my views don't come from personsl bitterness.

My ex lives the life of Riley, drives a fancy car, has multiple foreign holidays a year while I slave to afford a week's camping for DS.

He sounds a piece of work. Try the CMS again - don't give up.

I don't know, it's like so many women are unable to assess a situation with any kind of logic. It happens too often and the hatred towards mothers is very much ingrained in our society.

I think all you can do is hold your head up and keep on doing what you're doing.

His chat up line - he always came over as sad/moody when ladies were around - he's just so sad he was unable to see is lovely boys. I was always an evil slag etc denying him his boys. His poor boys. Poor him etc. I do wonder how many told him to get lost mind.

I read something once along the lines of "never trust a guy who calls his exs crazy"

In most relationships there's some blame on both sides. Few people are so unlucky that all their exs were totally wrong and evil.

She was silly to trust him with no proof. Did you ever respond to her messages?

Millionsmom Wow That is precisely my point. Who on earth looks at a man like that and thinks he's a good option? What are they saying to these women?

To a PP who said both sexes do it, why bother even mentioning that. Of course women do it, but far, far less, and when it is a woman doing the abandoning, everyone and their cat knows about it and will tut about it for the next decade. Meanwhile the many more men who do it get away with "but my ex is crazy"

Part of me really wants to know if my ex even thinks about his son. I honestly don't think he does. Yet he's on the birth certificate, he has money for court, I have never restricted access. Even if I truly was Bitch Whore Ex, there's plenty he could do to free his son from my evil clutches.

I'd be really interested in hearing opinions from the other side- men who have abandoned their children and the women who are still apparently happily married to them. But I suspect those people don't admit to it. There must be vast amounts of denial at work