To wonder why women fall for this?

[Falalala]

My ex got remarried two years ago. He hasn't seen our son for four years. His choice. He hasn't paid a penny in maintenance, he ducked and dodged the CSA for ages and now I've given up.

He got together with his wife very soon after we split up. Not sure if she was OW. She's well off, and I suspect ex is a cocklodger with her as he was with me. She did send me some out of the blue texts telling me that I was a terrible person and I'd never be able to touch a penny of her money. Not nice, but I suspect ex was filling her head with shit. So I don't hold it against her.

Anyway, I've heard through mutual friends that she is pregnant. My son will have a sibling he'll probably never meet. It's dredged up a lot of thoughts and feelings to be honest. Ex has already abandoned one child. He's said some awful things about me,but if they were true then why was he happy to leave his son in my sole care? With no support?

Now he has another woman eating out of his hand, making herself vulnerable, and he'll probably fuck off on her in a few years too. and no doubt charm another woman into paying for him to sit on his ass.

I wonder about his wife now. Does she ever think of the child he abandoned and worry he will do the same to her? Will their happy family life seem hollow, knowing there's a little boy who for all they know, could be living a shit life? My son has a great life by the way, but how do they know that?

Maybe my experiences have made me overly cautious, but I really think men who don't support their children should be shunned. When a woman abandons her child she is vilified, she is seen as an unnatural bitch, but when a man does it he still has a queue of women lining up, ready to give him another chance, making excuses for him.

This really isn't right, is it? A man who abandons his children should not be seen as a good relationship option. I see this time and time again, they walk away scot free, only to do the same thing again

My ex lives the life of Riley, drives a fancy car, has multiple foreign holidays a year while I slave to afford a week's camping for DS. How on earth do.these people sleep at night?

I would never get involved with a man who abandoned his child. His dw is a stupid cow.

I once worked with a colleague who was engaged to a man who already had two DC by different women and he never saw his children. No idea whether he paid maintenance. She genuinely believed the "crazy exes won't let me see the kids" explanation for both women. Thing is she's intelligent, no issues with self esteem etc. She's gone on to have a DC of her own with him (planned) and he is still living with and providing for them both. So who knows what goes on? Personally I'd have run like the wind though.

I remember her gloating in the changing room of the gym that her DH had been able to drastically reduce the child support he paid his first family (or that bitch and her sprogs as she referred to them) by getting his accountants to cook the books on his very lucrative company. I can remember the shocked silence when she said this but she was oblivious to everyone's pitying looks

Silence? Surely silence is the issue? Why don't we challenge this kind of attitude? Why do we so easily dismiss it as a 'domestic' or 'personal' issue? Nothing to do with us? It seems to easy to just say 'well, she got the house/has a good job/has her own family to help' rather than actually grow a pair and say it like it is. Why don't we say to these women 'don't his children need financial,support? Why is it just the mother's responsibility to provide for those,children? If she's so mad/crazy/abusive, why does he not contact social services/remove his children/speak to the school/see a solicitor/take the matter to court?

It is the silence which allows this to continue.

I once had a colleague who's DH had SIX children by 3 women but only saw 2 of them as apparently their mothers were terrible people etc.

Colleague was married to him with a child and had another one on the way. They then moved to Australia and a few years later I saw her post on Facebook, saying that he'd left them.

Surely the fact that he'd done this not once, but 3 times before should've been a red flag for her?

Yanbu

It's because yes some women are ridiculously stupid and fall for the "bitch of an ex doesn't let me see my kids line"

They fall for it because it suits them to. Others are simply utter bitches who don't give a toss about children or care that they may go hungry

at the comment about men supporting kids alone. Pull the other one. Once in a blue moon and usually following a bereavement.

And to Notinmybackyard

It's not to your fathers credit he paid maintenance. It's what he is legally and morally supposed to do. He doesn't get a pat on the back for it for crying out loud.

im still gobsmacked that my ex managed to keep the OW to the point she went with him to court for him to answer his assault/threats to kill charges that were against me :/ she genuinely believes a man who was screwing her whilsr his 3 week old baby was in hospital poorly and had a proven history of horrendous dv against his ex is the victim!

Even if it was because of biology, surely in this enlightened age, biology is no excuse.

Biologically, most women are physically ready to have children in their teens, but nobody thinks that is a good idea any more, and teen mothers usually have to deal with a lot of judgement. I'm sure there's other examples where biology gives way to reason, but I can't think of any off the top of my head

The only time it seems to be accepted as a casual shrug, "Well what can you do?" excuse, is when it involves men who can't keep it in their pants, or who are irresponsible.

I actually think we need to sit down with our daughters and really spell this out to them. Expect more of men. If you're dating a man with children from a previous relationship, watch what he does, watch very fucking carefully

And women who excuse themselves because they are only interested in protecting their own offspring and another woman's offspring are a threat... Honestly, it takes men and women for this behaviour to perpetuate.

Yes, another time where biology gives way is the narrative that unplanned pregnancy is the woman's fault for not taking precautions/having a termination. Never the man's fault for not wearing a condom; he was "trapped"

Some women have very low expectations of men, and some are very naive. Laments about crazy bitch exes are always a red flag in my book. And I'd have no interest in a man who doesn't support his child.

This woman will find out soon enough.

I'm in my 40's and I have yet to meet a man (and yes it is in the main men) anyway to meet a man who has an evil ex that doesn't 'let' him see his children.

DP due to being involved with the forces, high divorce rates, I've met a lot of divorcees. In the main they're more than happy to support their children, love seeing them and co parent well.

But then as always you have the bellends, 3 in particular that I can think of. When they start ranting they can never answer certain questions. If the ex is so evil why have they left vulnerable children with her? If she's so evil why aren't they doing everything in their power to get residency? If she's so awful/bad to the children is Social Services involved? Are they paying child support?

Oddly enough they can't answer the first 3 and bluster through the last. They all avoid me now

I don't doubt that there are some ex that make access difficult. But a good man, a good father would have evidence,turn up for their days send cars etc, pay child support & possibly have court dates etc.

Personally I wouldn't touch a man who didn't see/support their child with someone elses barge pole, and I really can't understand anyone who does.

Of the 3 bellends 2 have gone on to abandon second families. Both women were warned by friends, both are shocked that he's done this to them…

If I ruled the world child support would be based on the previous years wages, (to prevent hiding of assets) the amount would be paid by the government, (to stop the child going without) and then the gov would be responsible for chasing the NRP to pay them. Penalties would start at fines, end in jail time.

Men, and let's be honest it is mainly men that abandon their children should be ashamed and shamed. We as a society are so quick to blame mothers, when will we routinely ask where's the father?

Yes sometimes it is better for a child not to have contact, but we're not talking about them, we're talking about the ones that choose not to support their child.

Oh and before anyone accuses me of being bitter etc, neither DP or I have children.

This woman knows already, it just doesn't suit her to acknowledge it. It is not naivety, it's spinning a narrative to suit her own agenda.

Why just daughters? Surely we need to also sit down with our sons and say we expect the absolute best from them? If my boys ever do this, I will make it clear that they will not be welcomed at family events and that they will get nothing from me or my family inheritance wise (we are a small family, all members are in agreement). I don't care how mad the ex is, their children will still need to eat and the rest can be dealt with using legal,processes.

What was it about him that you fell for, Op?

Was he a "cocklodger" before or after you had your son?

To my mind this is the final frontier of feminism - holding men to account for the children they create.

I have no idea why someone wouldn't firstly swerve a man who had a 'problematic' ex or at least devote a bit of thought to unpicking the matter. Low standards, I guess.

I don't understand it but when I have seen this, from women, it's usually linked to low self-esteem or a similar issue.

I have a close family member who truly believed a cock and bull story she was fed. The ex was a bitch, she'd been a horrible wife, she'd cheated and now wouldn't really let him see his kids but he still paid lots of money. His excuse for essentially cocklodging was that all his money was sent to the children he "wasn't allowed to see".

We all warned the relative he was a dick. We all tried to get her to see the red flags. When he, inevitably, abandoned her and their children she finally saw the light. He was a lazy, alcoholic, emotional abuser. He'd never paid a penny towards his older children and tried to avoid paying for his younger ones. He just liked to go from woman to woman, getting them to support him while he manipulated and abused them, then he'd move on to the next one, of they seemed to wise up to him.

He left my relative when she expected him to do some parenting and couldn't keep finding his drinking as she had to feed their kids. He moved on to another woman who believed a fresh set of lies and a new sob story....one that omitted his first wife and kids completely!

So many children are basically abandoned by their fathers nowadays.

I'm going to be flamed by this but I really worry when one of my daughters is in a relationship with a young man whose Dad has fucked off and who has, inevitably, been brought up by a strong, capable woman. Because most of the young men do not really seem to understand the role of a Dad in the family. I worry if one of my daughters was to ever have a child with such a man they would have no compunction in fucking off themselves.

All you single mothers, how do you even begin in telling your sons that kids need a dad, if you are doing a great job without one and their Dad was a waste of space?

Yes, I should have said sons too. If my son behaved in such a way as an adult, I'd be absolutely furious with him and would seek a relationship with the mother/child separate from him if necessary.

My ex's parents accused me of trapping their precious boy too, and didn't have any interest in their grandchild,they facilitated ex's behaviour.

What attracted me to my ex? I was very young and naive. in hindsight, it's obvious that he was a lazy twat, he was older than me, living with parents, in and out of jobs, more interested in video gaming, but he was still young enough that it could just about be excused as an age thing.

Also he came across as quite brooding/intense, which I found flattering at first- I'd never really had a proper relationship before. Weirdly, he spoke of children /marriage very quickly, at a stage where I was no way ready for these things- I had actually said I didn't want children.

Very persuasive, to the point of bullying, when it came to not wearing a condom.

It became blindingly obvious that his intense brooding is actually ill mannered arrogance. He is outwardly rude to people - told my friends I looked like a whore, told my aunt I should lose weight, called his own mother a thick cunt to her face, hit his mother when he came home drunk one night. But by this point I was pregnant and I felt I owed it to my baby to try. And I tried, I really did. It almost destroyed me.

I went back to university, got a job, bought a house, I've fought and worked for everything, my ex just waved his dick until he found a rich woman to marry.

He should be shunned from society, but everyone has made excuses for him his whole life, and I imagine they always will

Hit send too soon.
My relative did a lot of soul searching to understand why she fell for his crap, despite people warning her.
But to me, it was clear she had self-esteem issues and was vulnerable to emotional manipulation. She liked the fact he made her truly needed and the idea that she was somehow "saving" and helping him. He knew exactly what to say to manipulate her....which escalated to emotional abuse.

calyrical you are not talking BS, you have given us some data ie 90% of all single parent families are headed by women with 7% of the remaining headed by men who have lost the children's mother through bereavement and only 3% of families headed by dad, where the children's mother is still alive. One in 10 or 10% of all families are headed by a single parent. Additionally, 40% of all families rely on the mother as the sole or primary earner (3x higher than in 1960).
How we interpret these data is a different matter. But I think that there will necessarily be a mixture of genetics and social conditioning going on.

Baffling that attention and outrage is towards mothers not allowing fathers contact - which is wrong of course, but there is much less focus on the wider issue of deadbeat dads. Funny that.

Isn't it awful he can't even be bothered to send your DS a birthday card or present? I expect christmas is the same.
I expect he tells the OW you wouldn't let him have them so he's given up sending.
She'll find out eventually, sad for her.

If it's genetic , why was it so much less common 70 years ago? Have genetics changed since then ?

In the 1950s, men who impregnated women and buggered off without marrying them or men who abandoned their wife and children were scorned.

Maybe genetics are different in other European countries , where this is still seen as unacceptable.

Smoking in front of your kids used to be seen as normal. Same as not wearing a seat belt and having your kids ride unrestrained in the front seat of the car.

Drunk driving was seen as a bit of a laugh.

Now all these things are frowned upon. Is it genetic change? No it's legislation and a change in social attitudes.