Friends DC eating so much crap all the time

[letsmargaritatime]

Not just one friend, every friend. Plus my siblings, well that is how it feels. I posted before about my overweight dd (I can't work out how to link to it) and had some advice on here which I have been trying to follow. But this half term has been like every other school holiday, every occasion and meet up has to involve loads of food, and every friend I meet up with seems to constantly ask their dc if they are hungry (surely they would fucking say if they are at ten years old, why ask?!) And producing snacks all the time. Even the snacks that aren't so bad are still calorific (home-made banana bread, flapjacks etc) I'm so fed up with it

Nobody gets it, and they don't give a shit because their kids are skinny. And say unhelpful things like "oh she will grow into her weight" I know I'm being unkind to my friends but I just don't understand why dc can't get together and play without bags of sweets, packets of crisps, popcorn, chocolate buttons, fruit shoots, and I can't single out my dd and her not to be the one to have it. I have literally no other friends who have overweight dc and posting here hoping people in a similar situation will get how I feel

Worst of all was friend saying that if I stop overthinking it, it wouldn't be a problem. So basically if I let her eat whatever she wants the weight will fall off 😡

Sorry pressed send too soon! My point is some kids do eat for want of something better to do! A few months ago DD and I agreed she'd only have 1 small healthy snack before bed (from a health point of view rather than a weight thing) and it was great- she stopped eating because she was bored and enjoyed her snack much more.

It's not your fault OP. I was a chubby child and it took me many many years to get a handle on my weight. Sorry if I'm saying things you already know but having been through that experience there are things I would recommend that might help? Feel free to ignore if it's not helpful!

The first would be to teach your daughter to cook - from scratch, lots of interesting and fresh ingredients. Make it a fun thing you do together. It'll teach her what goes in to meals and put her in good stead for when she's older. Order delicious salads in restaurants and let her try them, ooh and ahh over exotic fruits, try and introduce veg that's outside the norm - Mediterranean, Asian etc. Basically actively demonstrate the joy that can be found in healthy food.

Do exercise around the house where she can see - something like yoga or a dance DVD - don't make her join in, just actively model regular exercise. If you think she'd respond, find a physical activity the two of you can do together, as a treat - it doesn't have to be "exercise", it could be something as simple as going to get your nails done but parking at the other end of town and briskly walking to the salon and back.

I don't know if you have any issues with her wanting to snack but one thing I found really helpful was to learn how to listen to my body. If she says she's hungry, make her drink a big glass of water and wait 20 minutes, then say if she's still hungry. If she is, offer raw veg or fruit (veg more than fruit) - but let her eat, even if she then doesn't eat her dinner. It honestly took me years to learn to tell the difference between hunger and dehydration, and to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full.

If it helps, what did the most damage for me wasn't the actual weight (I lost most of it without trying in my late teens though unfortunately yoyo'd throughout my twenties thanks to an eating disorder). It was the comments, the restrictions, the equating food with shame and guilt and secrecy and punishment and reward. That's what took years to unpick. You're quite right not to embarrass your DD, and taking a hard restrictive line isn't the right solution - that only leads to secret eating. It has to be a long-term concerted effort that teaches her that her self-esteem and her weight aren't connected, but her energy levels / how good she feels physically and the food she eats ARE. Teach her that she can be beautiful and valuable and loved at any size - but she will be stronger and more comfortable and be able to do more exciting things when she eats good nourishing food and moves her body every day.

This reminds me of Doctor in the House this week- similar aged child, very active, good diet, gaining weight fast- turns out he had something wrong with gut bacteria (not enough variety). I'm not saying this is what your daughter has but might be worth a look i-player.

In response to you AIBU- a little but I get it. It's frustrating when you do something to help DCs which is seemingly over-ridden by friends.

Trampoline park is a great idea. My kids will bounce for an hour without stopping. I got on and managed 5 mins!

peach hear hear

I don't give mine the chance to claim they are starving. I give bigger portions at mealtimes that they don't finish. That way I know they are having me on. All this tiny portions stuff is imo.... DC will eat healthy food (ie new potatoes) until they aren't hungry any more. Rubbishy snacks, however they will eat regardless.

So I'd give more new potatoes and not let her eat after dinner at all.

OP did you watch doctor in the house on bbc1. There was a little boy on there who was obese but had a healthy diet, it was very interesting.

Also ditto the suggestion for a trampoline park.

increasingly was that comment for me?

Now I can't bear trampoline parks

30smum you allow her to eat all that after dinner? Especially knowing its from boredom? How old is she??

Yeah the 'half a salmon fillet', 2 new potatoes etc. I would give more at mealtimes if she is claiming to still be hungry after dinner.

Sorry oneplus2is3 cross post, great minds and all that!

Sorry 30smum that was a cross post!

Yeah I think actually scrolling back mine was a cross post too. If you've cut out snacking after dinner in time that will make a difference.

She is 8. I don't know if it was strictly boredom or what- she was watching tv (a treat as it's half term- normally she'd be in bed!) and said she was really hungry. At dinner she had more new potatoes and her plate and didn't eat them all. Ate all the salmon and veg (half a big salmon fillet and loads of veg I mean like 20 green beans and 4 'trees' of broccoli). But wouldn't have had more. Then 1/2 a mango.

Like I said, my point was that she (and I suspect other kids) would sometimes snack on not so great stuff partly out of boredom, and it's easy to allow this to happen if you're not careful. Normally of course she wouldn't have so much after dinner... she'd be in bed. The one snack rule after dinner worked well for a while so we might go back to this next week.

Sorry cross posts here too.

I'm overweight, if I so much as look at a biscuit I put on 10 lbs lol.
I don't expect my friends to not eat biscuits infront of me because I'm fat and they're not though.
Same goes for you and your dd. She's not their responsibility.

I wouldn't dream of going on a playdate and taking a load of food I knew one kid couldn't/shouldn't be eating. I guess there's not many of us though

Yeah that sounds fine, I wouldn't let her snack after dinner at all personally, my two don't. I don't have a before bed and I go later (and eat tea at 6). If she left a boiled potato at dinner then she isn't hungry would be my mantra.

Although I fancy some mango right now as you've mentioned it

increasingly you're probably right. TBH they had an earlier dinner today (4.45) ironically to stop them snacking (!!) because they were hungry- but actually I think that's a lesson right there- to be able to say (and I do, usually!) no, dinner isn't for x minutes, you'll have to wait, rather than bring dinner forward.

food+mothering = simmering marsh of self-loathing and guilt.

my mum, who has an eating disorder and very unhealthy body image, started to restrict my food intake when i got a bit chubby (by which I mean, what we now consider not even over weight) in my teens. It was a big factor in me developing anorexia. i used wonder if it would really have been that bad if i'd got fat? would the earth have stopped turning? ok, so maybe boys wouldn't have fancied me but I nearly killed myself - was it really worth it? or would i be 20 stone now if she hadn't intervened? there's no way of knowing. but i did feel that i wasn't valued for who i was, but what i looked like. which sucked.

i honestly don't think there is a right or wrong way to handle this. all you can do is your best. i'm not sure how old your daughter is but what helped me was a) finding exercise that i loved and b) learning how to cook. i learned to see my body as having a purpose other than being something that other people looked at and judged. my body was for me and I learned to enjoy it.

on a practical level, portion control has always worked for me. i get to eat what i want and read somewhere once that you only really notice the first and last mouthfuls anyway.

oh and i'm fine now - perfectly happy and healthy and have been between 8-9 stone for about 15 years. i can honestly say that my weight is really not that important to me anymore. 20 years from now, this might be a distant memory.

good luck - try to reduce the pressure on you and your daughter a bit. it sounds like it's making everyone unhappy and happiness is more important than thinness.

For ref, she's not a good breakfast eater at all. Today she had dried fruit and natura yogurt. Lunch was grilled chicken, noodles, cucumber, carrots and sweet corn (at wagamama) and then later a mini ice cream for pudding. Then no snacks between lunch and dinner. Only water to drink and a glass of semi skimmed milk at dinner.

OP I feel for you - my dd was also in this situation - not obese but heavier than she should be. Other DCs tall and skinny. However, Y7 she started to slim down - I didn't push it but it gradually started to sort itself out. By end of yr7 she had grown but not added any weight. Now y9 and slim. Hopefully your DD will also fall into this category as puberty hits. I offer support and a hand hold. Just keep positive and not make her feel any more body conscious than other children's hurtful comments have already done.